triple update?? anyone?? also, please you have to listen to blue by taeyeon. i was listening to this song and i changed the title of this chapter

Noeul can’t even begin to describe what a terrible person she was. Seulgi managed to convince her to attend the soccer game between UCSF and Berkeley at their home field. She’d said, quote, you can’t flake out of this one because it’s the first game of the season and Berkeley has a new striker who is rumored to be amazing—and no excuses because it’s literally at our school, end quote.

It was too late to feign sickness. Seulgi already stopped outside her dorm to physically witness Noeul’s wellbeing.

But, here’s where the blame falls on her, Noeul could have told Seulgi the truth. That the chances of Baekhyun being the striker on the Berkeley team were higher than she’d liked to risk. Because Noeul was weakening. She was already in hot water. The chances of her staying away from him were growing slim, and seeing him would not help her case.

But Noeul chooses not to. She didn’t know where to begin without sounding ridiculous. Seulgi would probably laugh at her for being dramatic over a high school relationship. They were in college, for ’s sakes. Everyone knew high school relationships didn’t last in college. But to Noeul, Baekhyun wasn’t just any boy. He’d always been the one. Someone she’d been drawn to no matter the cost.

She couldn’t help the nervousness boiling in the pit of her stomach. Noeul knew she would see him one way or the other. Berkeley was only half an hour away, and Seulgi loved to visit the restaurants in the college town.

Maybe this was what she needed. To once and for all sever the cord permanently. When it came to it, Noeul didn’t know if she could count on herself not to cry in front of him—to show him a moment of weakness, consequently letting him know that he won.

But, anyway, it was too late to fret now. Seulgi’s little bounces were filled with excitement. She didn’t want to weigh down on her friend’s enthusiasm, especially when Seulgi became someone Noeul cared about.

As Seulgi led her to their seats on the benches for the home team, UCSF, she could see the players in their jerseys warming up on the field. Some players were practicing dribbling. Others were chatting away in anticipation of the game. The coaches looked serious. One of them carrying out last-minute practice, and the other speaking to someone.

Noeul squints, realizing quietly that that someone was Baekhyun. Her breath catches. The cold air stinging .

Seulgi’s eyes catch onto Noeul’s direct line of vision, and she scrutinizes Baekhyun. “Huh. He’s kind of hot. A boy like that screams damage. You can just see it in his stance. Like he’s gone through hell and back; yet, he’s here, playing for one of the top universities.”

Noeul smiles at the irony. “And here I thought I was the psychology major.”

Seulgi wraps an arm around the girl, squeezing. “Communications is basically the same thing.”

She pauses, watching one of the assistants approach Baekhyun and his coach. He listens intently to what she has to say and laughs at something she says.

The girl proceeds to place a hand on his chest. More intimate than a friend’s touch.

Fiery envy lashes at , and Noeul swallows, forcing herself to look away. She had no right to feel this way.

Seulgi whistles. She must’ve noticed as well because she comments offhandedly, “of course, he’s taken. If he was single, I would’ve snatched him up myself. Shame, right?”

Her friend is met with silence, so Seulgi turns back to Noeul with a concerning look.

“Hey, you okay?” Seulgi asks.

Noeul forces a smile on her lips. “Yeah, I’m just tired.”

“Just tired? No stiffness or anything right? Let me know.”

Seulgi had been asking about Parkinson’s. Surprisingly, the girl has been one of the few people Noeul has told.

The night is cold, and Noeul shivers, regretting the thin cardigan she’d been wearing. Her limbs feel frigid today.

Of all days.

Parkinson likes to remind her that it still existed when she least expected it. Every second that ticked by, whether her body was functioning or not, her disease would be a constant in her life.

Sometimes, it was as simple as not being able to grip a pen. Other days, she couldn’t stop the tremor in her hands. Worst of all, she’d sometimes worry her friends by falling randomly. Those days when her legs would give out under her, and it would take a minute or two to regain her balance.

Noeul used to write it off until Seulgi interrogated her about it. By then, it was too much effort to lie. Besides, Noeul knew that this wasn’t high school. And luckily, Seulgi proved her to be correct. She put her arms around Noeul and told her that the girl was stronger than she could ever be.

Seulgi knowing about her Parkinson’s didn’t push her away from Noeul. She didn’t coddle Noeul either. And for that, Seulgi was someone Noeul truly appreciated. A genuine friend. Someone other than Luhan that knew who Noeul was and didn’t treat her any differently.

“Just a little heavier than usual, but it’s nothing I can’t handle,” Noeul tells her.

Seulgi nods. “Good. If it gets worse, you promise you won’t hide it from me?”

Noeul chuckles. “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

To which Seulgi rolls her eyes. “Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

When they share another laugh, this is when Noeul turns back to the field to check whether the game is starting soon—but whether coincidental or not, she meets Baekhyun’s eyes from across the field.

Like he’d known where she was sitting all along. A shiver runs down her spine, and she’s unable to look away. It’s like his eyes are telling her to watch him closely and only him.

And that’s exactly what Noeul finds herself doing. He’s mesmerizing. A sheen of sweat glistening on his skin. He’s glowing. He’s doing what he loves after all.

She holds her breath, watching him shoot goal after goal. He’s only become more languid with the ball, improving in the eight months they’ve been apart. Watching him is like watching a magician. She can barely follow the ball when he’s dribbling it between his feet.

It’s not so surprising when his team takes the game. Despite her school losing, there’s a tiny swell of pride in her chest. He hasn’t changed when it came to soccer. She can only wonder if he remained the same space-loving nerd that she once knew. Noeul was afraid to find out. She was already losing him so quickly. The Baekhyun that she once knew is all but a blur in her temporal lobe.

###

Noeul cannot fathom what the hell is wrong with her when she walks toward the center field as people are leaving.

Seulgi had gone off to the restroom, and Noeul got herself lost in the crowd. So, rather than trying to navigate through a sea of people, she decides to wait it out on the soccer field. Yes. So much common sense. Noeul’s shocked she isn’t dead on the street somewhere.

You know, just head toward the root of your problems, and everything will work out somehow. Or not.

Noeul walks along the edge, admiring the precise angles of the freshly cut grass. She clearly wasn’t that fascinated with the grass. It was a deflection. She could feel his presence lingering somewhere on the field. Another couple of minutes pass and the field is completely empty of people.

Players have filed into the locker rooms. All except for one. When she looks up, she catches him staring right at her.

Baekhyun doesn’t even try to hide it. There are no signs of shame, and he continues to look straight at her. Really look at her. Noeul’s cheeks flush, and she turns her head.

He’s taken off his jersey. It’s not that she hasn’t seen him before, but it was the awkwardness that she felt as his ex-girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

The word had a foul stench to it even in the form of thoughts. God. What is wrong with her?

Noeul meets his eyes once again, and for some reason, he hasn’t looked away. It was like he was trying to absorb as much of her as he could. It should be a familiar gesture. After all, she should be somewhat used to it. However comfortable she once was, this wasn’t the time.

She tries not to look at his stomach, toned from conditioning. It’s practically glistening from sweat, and she catches the bead of sweat glide from his neck to his collar bone.

.

Noeul is totally checking him out.

“Eyes up here,” he says in that casual, jokester tone of his. The one he’s used all throughout high school to get Junmyeon to lay off on him.

She searches for the resentment, but it’s not there. Noeul could’ve sworn she saw it in his eyes just last week.

“Great game,” she says weakly.

Christ. It was almost like she lost all ability to function, her tongue heavy and unable to speak intelligible words.

Baekhyun smiles. Again, this one doesn’t reach his eyes. Noeul feels a pang of guilt in her chest. She quickly chants an internal mantra to stay strong. This was like walking on the plank and pretending that there wasn’t a circle of sharks waiting beneath.

“I’m surprised you came. I got the impression from last time that you didn’t want anything to do with me,” he murmurs.

Noeul stares at him. What was she supposed she say? There wasn’t a single word she could utter that didn’t sound like a cheap deflection tactic. They didn’t do small talk. He knew her too well.

She got the feeling that he hadn’t expected her to say much because all they do is stare at each other.

Baekhyun clicks his tongue, turning to grab something off of the bench. He throws it at her, and Noeul stumbles to catch it.

The material is soft in her hands. It’s a v-neck sweatshirt with his numbers on it. She stares at it, drying. It smells so much like him. If someone bottled her favorite scent, it was this.

“You should probably dress warmer, doll.”

The familiar use of her nickname sends a flaring twinge up her side. She hides it well, masking it behind a shield. But if someone were to yank that shield from her, they’d find someone so utterly broken that it wasn’t even worth fighting.

She would forever be on the side of the losing team.

Noeul opens to say something, but she gets interrupted by footsteps resembling a run.

“Hey, B. Dad wants to speak with—“ It’s the assistant from early. She stops dead a couple of feet away from him. “. I’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

Baekhyun sends an easy smile in the girl’s direction, but he doesn’t take his eyes off of Noeul. “Tell him I’ll be in soon.”

She nods, blinking with her does eyes before turning to leave.

“You know, if you choose to not be with me, you shouldn’t look so sad,” he says.

Noeul ignores this comment, and instead, feigns, “she’s pretty. I think she likes you.”

He scowls. “Noeul, this isn’t fair. You know it. We both ing know it. How long are we going to play this game? I waited for you.”

Her hands are trembling. But not from the cold. Baekhyun knows, and he can tell. She wonders if he thinks to the many times in high school he would ask if she was cold and she said yes to cover up her disorder.

She couldn’t handle this at all. Him seeing her like this. Sick. Frail. He was the only person she didn’t want to see her in this way. It felt worse because he knew the entire truth.

“Baekhyun, you’re going to have to learn how to take hints. Her body language says she really likes you.”

Baekhyun grits his teeth, stomping to where she stands. There’s absolutely no space when he presses against her. “ you, Noeul.” The words are venomous as they lash out of his mouth. “Stop speaking in metaphors and tell me what the you’re doing. It hurts so goddamn much every time I look at you. Up there. In the bleachers. You’re laughing as if nothing is wrong. How? Tell me how so I can just stop feeling like you put my heart through a ing shredder.”

Noeul’s cheeks are wet. Her eyes sting with freshly fallen tears. . This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. She was here for closure. She releases a long shaky breath. “I never asked you to wait for me. You should have just taken the hint.”

“So what? I just it up now? Act like nothing ever happened?” He spits these words harshly.

She bites down to prevent the sob she feels threatening to spill from . “Yes.”

“You left me, Noeul,” he whispers, his voice breaking. “When I needed you the most. When waking up was the hardest thing I had to do after I lost my sister. You were the only person I had left. So how could you just—“

Baekhyun doesn’t finish his sentence. Noeul lifts her trembling fingers, brushing under his eyes, feeling the tears spill onto her fingers. She couldn’t begin to understand why it felt like this. Wasn’t love supposed to be beautiful?

This felt far from beautiful. It was razor-sharp. It cut deep, fresh wounds each time. All for what?

“I want to hate you,” he rasps. “You’re selfish. You don’t know how to love at all. But why are you the only thing I ever want? I can’t—I can’t do this, Noeul. You have to choose. You can’t just look at me with those eyes and expect me not to fall apart.”

Noeul turns to desperation. “You can’t! We can’t do this. Why can’t you understand? The pain that you’re feeling right now is temporary. What if you stay with me? It’s not happy ever after. It never is. I’m sick. I can’t get better. You’ll end up taking care of me your entire life.”

“I don’t care—“

“No,” she growls. “I care. I care that you have someone you can grow old with without having to ever worry about weekly doctor appointments. Someday, I may not be able to move or speak. I’ll be a vegetable, Baekhyun. You may not think it’s a big deal now, but I’ve witnessed forefront what this does to people. I’ll lash out at you. I’ll call you overbearing and tell you to off. And you know what? You’re worth so much more than that. Can’t you see that? You deserve so much more than I can offer you. I’m so tired. Please just let me go.”

Baekhyun shakes his head, grabbing onto her shoulders. He's begging her. “Noeul, please. You can’t ask me to do that. It isn’t fair.”

She sobs. “None of this is fair. So, we choose. We choose to avoid the inevitable. There’s more pain in the future than you can ever imagine. You have so much life. You’re going to be somebody.”

The hysteria digs behind her skull. It threatens to push her over. To lie more. To manipulate. To hurt him.

“You’re not giving me a choice,” he argues. “All I hear is yours. You’ve decided things for me since the moment you kissed me. This was never going to last, was it? Am I just one of the options for your Make-a-Wish list?”

“Baekhyun—“

“. This is so ed. You’re not going to die. We can have a life together, but you choose not to see. Can’t you see that you’re not your mother?”

“I am my mother. I’m selfish. I’m cruel. You said it yourself.”

Baekhyun releases a puff of air in disbelief. “I didn’t mean any of it.”

“I mean this. Every word of it. I will not be the next person to break you.”

He shakes, his chest wracking from the sobs he’s holding back. “Don’t you get it? You already are. You’ve been breaking my heart from the first day I laid eyes on you.”

“Don’t say that. God. Just stop it.”

“Why? So you can hide behind those white lies that you call helpful? Each time you lie to me, you’re taking back a piece of yourself. It’s like I’m on the losing side of tug-of-war. It’s been like that since the beginning. You’re the one with the say. You take control. And I’m the one on the receiving end. I’m not the one who’s sick, but I’m the one who should be pitied, right? I had to learn from my adoptive father that my ing girlfriend abandoned me.”

“Hate me. Let me go, and don’t turn back on it. That’s all I want from you.”

He takes a step back, bending over and clutching his head. From anger. From frustration. Maybe from the pointlessness of this conversation.

“You’re so ed up,” he barks.

The words sting. Hearing that from him hurts more than she anticipated.

“I mean—“ He coughs out a laugh of indignation. “Who chooses to die alone? You’re out of your ing mind. How can you push away everyone who has an inkling of love for you?”

“What about you? You’re afraid of being alone.”

Baekhyun scoffs incredulously. “I’m not going to play this game of manipulation with you.”

“At least between the two of us, you can be the bigger person.”

“You’re unbelievable. Absolutely fu—“ He exhales sharply. “Maybe you do deserve to be alone. You’re tormenting to be around.”

Noeul tries to ignore this shot, but it’s done. It shows on her face. Her mask slips and cracks into a million pieces.

The look that he gives her. It may as well kill her.

“You know, for someone, who goes on about choice, you’re terrible at seeing your decisions through. But this time—all of this? It’s on you. I’m not going to pick up your pieces. I can’t love someone whose form of self-harm is blatantly lying to destroy relationships she can’t handle.”

And then, he’s gone. His footsteps are quick, and he disappears into the locker room.

Noeul’s foot crumbles on her, and she falls. Everything is static, the white noise blaring into her ears until all she can hear is the sound of the sharp intakes of her sobs as it hits the air.

Yet, the whole time, she clutches onto his sweatshirt like it’s her lifeline. Maybe the question hadn’t been who are you but why are you a monster?

“Noeul! . I was looking for you this entire time. Where the hell did you go off to—Noeul? What’s wrong?”

“He’s gone, Seul. He’s done waiting.”

Seulgi doesn’t bother to decipher her cryptic words, instead, she puts her arm around Noeul and holds her. “You’re going to cry until there isn’t a single tear left.”

Noeul blinks at her.

She fixes a serious look at the tear-stricken girl. “Cry now, so you can explain coherently to me on our walk back to the dorms.”

[a/n] i'm convinced you have to be a sociopath to write this. this was worst than writing sehun and kyungha's fight. lol i'm praying for everyone. i felt so pathetic tearing up while writing this.