From the airport, they head straight to the hospital given by Junmyeon. Noeul’s head is more jam-packed with thoughts than usual. It seemed a lot like everything and anything was happening at once, and no matter how much she mentally tried to prepare for it, Noeul still couldn’t handle it.

Evident by her flushed cheeks and cold chills, she didn’t feel too good about any of this. Returning here like this.

Junmyeon is waiting outside the ICU wing, and his face lights up in relief when he sees Baekhyun and Noeul side by side. “How was the flight?”

“Long,” Baekhyun answers. It was long. They flew from the west to the east coast after all.

Noeul shifts nervously, craning her neck to see in through the doors of the ICU. “Is he okay?”

Junmyeon’s smile dims. “He’s hanging in there.”

“How long has he been hospitalized?” Baekhyun asks.

“It’s been a couple of days. We thought it was just routine. He usually gets the cold around this time, so I brought him in—but his condition hasn’t been improving.”

Noeul’s stomach lurches. “Is this it?” She searches Junmyeon’s eyes for the truth. And when she sees it, the mixture of sad reluctance that stares back at her is apparent. She doesn’t need to hear an audible answer. It’s clear enough, and it crushes her—eviscerates any amount of hope she had before coming here.

Shaking her head, Noeul resorts to denial. She wasn’t ready. There wasn’t enough time.

“Noeul,” Baekhyun calls after her.

It was simple. Overwhelmingly, pathetically simply. She couldn’t handle the truth. Hell, she couldn’t even handle the pity simmering in Junmyeon’s eyes.

Turning, Noeul just walks. She walks as fast as she can—away from the cursed corridor, away from the faint beeping of the heart monitor, away from the people that love her.

She doesn’t know how far she gets before she sinks down onto the ground, burying her face in between her legs. There was so much anger coursing through her blood. None of this was ing fair.

They were all so young, barely escaping their teenage years; yet, the world grew crueler each passing day. It didn’t matter how desperate Noeul was for a breath of air.

Her life was a constant game of tug-a-war with the ocean currents. What was a measly girl like her going to do against violent waves that tried to pull her under every time she got back up? Punch it? Cry?

Somehow, within a couple of minutes, Baekhyun finds her on the floor near the receptionist's desk. It was probably close to three in the morning, and there wasn’t a single person in sight.

Baekhyun crouches in front of her, hoisting her up with firm hands planted on both of her shoulders. “Hey.”

“I can’t do this,” Noeul whispers into her hands.

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything for a while. Not until she comes out from under her hands, peering at him.

Seeing him in the incandescent lights made his dark circles stand out. Like her, he must’ve fallen victim to sleepless nights—circling over dark thoughts and night terrors.

The color in his cheeks was duller than when she last saw him. They were sunken in. It made her heart pang with worry. He wasn’t taking care of himself properly.

Despite the voice in her head telling her that his wellbeing was none of her concern or business, Noeul couldn’t help it. She knew she had no right after what she did to him, but seeing him in front of her in this state. It didn’t sit right with her either.

Being broken up wasn’t as simple as turning off a switch. There was simply no turning off residual feelings, and Noeul could pretend as much as wanted but there was absolutely no way she could fool herself. Because the truth is—she will always care for him.

“There’s no rush,” he says gently. “We won’t be able to see him until later anyway.”

“I can’t leave. It doesn’t feel right,” she protests.

Baekhyun presses his palm against her cheek. “Someone once told me that it’s okay to be sad while you’re taking care of yourself.”

A tiny smile curves onto her lips. “That’s not fair, and you look like you haven’t been taking that advice.”

The corner of his lips lifts ever so slightly. “It’s complicated.”

“Girl problems?”

“Something like that,” he says good-humoredly, standing and offering her a hand. “Hungry?”

Noeul puts her hand in his, feeling the comforting squeeze of his fingers as he pulls her up from the ground. “I could eat,” she grumbles, slightly embarrassed at this predicament.

Baekhyun takes Noeul back to his home. Thinking about how far he came, she couldn’t help but feel glad that he wasn’t alone despite uttering those nasty words a month ago.

It wasn’t until she stepped into their home that she realized how homesick she’s been all along. How she missed not having a closet-sized room.

She helps him whip up a quick meal, and they both eat fast, exhausted from the news, the flight, and just about everything.

As Baekhyun occupies the shower, she thinks about everything that’s happened today. The surprising reconciliation that developed between the two of them. Neither of them brought up the fight or their current relationship.

Noeul doesn’t want to mention either. She decides to continue being selfish for a little longer. This bubble that they put themselves in. It was playing charades, but it was the only thing that comforted her. The only familiar thing that hasn’t changed from before.

She hears the door to the bathroom open as his quiet footsteps pad into his room. There’s a soft click, signifying the door shutting behind him.

He hops in bed beside her. They don’t touch, maintaining at least a couple of inches between them. It was so ironic. Here they were picking and choosing which boundaries were okay to cross.

“Are you asleep?” Baekhyun asks.

Noeul turns to face him. “I can’t sleep at night without pills.”

He doesn’t look too surprised at her admittance. “Do you still dream about your mother?”

“No,” she answers. “And you?”

Noeul tries to read the expression on his face, and she sees a little bit of everything—conflict, hesitation, and vulnerability. Before she can begin to think or even stop herself, she’s already reaching out to him, placing the palm of her free hand flat against his face.

He lets out a sharp exhale. And then he relents, “after you left—Dad forced me into an ultimatum.”

Noeul wonders if it’ll be easy for him to talk if she just leaned in closer. Just a little bit. This was fooling herself. Not at all a selfish choice when she presses her face to his neck, feeling the slight dip of his adam’s apple. “And what happened next?”

His arm naturally reclines against her waist, pulling her until they’re flushed against each other. “I was barely passing my classes, so either soccer had to go or I choose therapy.”

“You went to therapy,” she guesses.

His body relaxes. “Yeah, otherwise I wouldn’t be playing for Berkeley.” This admittance brings her some comfort. Without her, it was still possible for him to get his life together. Though, there was a sadness that resonated deep within her. In a screwed-up way, Noeul wanted to be needed by him.

But that was another selfish wish she would keep to herself. Noeul may have lied a lot, but she hadn’t been lying when she thought that he deserved better.

“At first, I resented him. But, the more I spent time in that box, I started to understand that it was more than having someone to talk to.”

Noeul presses, “in what way?”

“I tend to self-destruct when something pushes me astray. My mother’s death. My father leaving. My sister’s death. You leaving—“

Noeul feels her lungs constrict as guilt crushes her windpipes, but nonetheless, she remains quiet.

“We worked on rerouting my bad habits and redirecting those dark thoughts.”

He was moving on, and now, she’d been the one to remain behind. It made Noeul surprisingly bitter. Not for him—no. Definitely for herself. What was she even doing with her life? Noeul was giving him mixed signals. It was never him pulling her back, but her. She’d been the culprit, and despite knowing this, Noeul doesn’t want to put space between them.

She should obviously know better. Everything about this was inappropriate. Holding onto him after giving him no choice but to stay broken up? Noeul needed to grow the hell up.

“Are you coping healthily right now?” She asks him.

Baekhyun responds by laughing, but there’s no sign of humor anywhere in that laugh. “No,” he says breathlessly, “every time it seems like I’m getting somewhere, you’re somehow directly in front of me, and I’m back to that place, feeling these feelings.”

Noeul grips his waist tighter. Another selfish act. She’s lost count by now. “Will you let me go then?”

He pushes a knee between her legs, giving himself more access to get closer. He doesn’t say anything, but his silence is enough. The hand placed under her lower thigh, propping her higher against him, is enough.

Noeul finds peace in this irony. Just temporary peace, yet it offered her more stability than she’s had apart from him.

And when she sleeps, there are no dreams. There are no thoughts of Luhan dying.

In this reality, there’s a boy and a girl finding momentary solace, clinging onto not yet’s and just a little more’s.

###

The next day, they have a quiet breakfast before Baekhyun drives them back to the hospital. During the car ride, Noeul emails her school about a family emergency, so she got most of her deadlines extended to the end of the month.

She stands outside the automatic doors, ignoring the strange looks directed at her by passersby.

Baekhyun doesn’t give it a second thought when he patiently waits. In the car, he asked her a question that gave her the right push into the direction she needed to be in.

Is not cherishing the time you have left with him more important than wasting your time being panicked about the grieving that you’re going to do anyway?

It puts many things in perspective for her. Because, believe it or not, he was right. Baekhyun tells her that he lost too much. Sometimes, he still mulls over the goodbye that he wasn’t able to say to his little sister.

Noeul didn’t want that for herself, so she stood there, driven by the impulse to do her job.

Be Luhan’s friend.

When they walk to the hospice wing, they’re instructed by a nurse to carefully sanitize their hands.

Early that morning, the decision had been made for Luhan to be moved from the ICU to hospice care.

Junmyeon also texted them that morning that he needed to be at work, so it would be just the two of them until school hours were over.

Noeul didn’t think her heart could break anymore, but walking into Luhan’s room proved her wrong. She releases a deep shuddering breath, eyes scanning the room.

Luhan was hooked up to the machines, and from what she read about the final stages of Duchenne a while ago, which was the specific type of muscular dystrophy that Luhan had, he wasn’t able to breathe on his own without a breathing tube.

She knew that it was just a matter of time before he got cardiac failure. Just yesterday, Junmyeon told the two of them that he had already done Luhan’s paperwork. Noeul cried for an hour straight after she found out about Luhan’s decision for the DNR. Sehun refused to look at anyone.

It made her wonder how he was coping with this. Clearly, she wasn't.

But, now, being physically in front of him, Noeul put on her strong face. She would push those thoughts and her dread aside for now. This was about Luhan, not how she felt.

He was awake, judging by the bored expression on his face as he sifted through the channels of the TV. However, right when he sees Baekhyun and Noeul, his eyes light up.

Noeul laughs adoringly when Luhan scoots over, making space for her. She climbs in beside him, dropping her head on the crook of his shoulder.

He waves his phone, signifying for them to check theirs. Baekhyun sits in the empty chair on Luhan’s bedside, across from Noeul. He rolls his eyes as soon as he sees Luhan’s text. Curious, Noeul opens her messaging app.

Luhan: hey lovebirds. it’s about time you morons visited me. i thought i would pass away before you s got here.

Noeul: we wouldn’t miss it

Baekhyun: ha ha

Luhan: so, how’s everything going? i’m guessing you idiots decided to stop stalling and get back together

Baekhyun: that’s no man land

Noeul: sorry lu

Luhan: don’t apologize to me. apologize to yourselves. only prolonging the inevitable

Baekhyun: you’re such a busybody

Luhan: i refused to let the doors of death change me

Noeul: i can see that. how are you feeling

Luhan: ty. they didn’t anesthetize me when they shoved the tube down my throat. i puked all over myself

Baekhyun: explains the smell of barf

Luhan: you bacon bits. i smell like flowers

Noeul’s body racks with laughter. Her chest aches with how much she’s missed this. Them. All three being together for old time’s sakes.

Noeul: what have you been doing to entertain yourself

Luhan: watching awful television. ffs, you would think that hospice patients would be treated better than this.

Baekhyun: do you think they would be pissy if i brought in a chrome cast

Luhan: what are they gonna do? wrestle the damn remote out of my cold, dead hands?

Noeul: i hate you and your dark coping tactics

Luhan: no you love me. speaking of loving me and whatnot, we need to decide the soundtrack to my funeral. i’ll be damned if we let dad decide

Baekhyun: right. he’ll probably play drab classical music

Noeul: what are your thoughts so far

Luhan: careless whisper sounds like a good choice. if people aren’t sobbing at my funeral, i don’t want one

Noeul: christ

Baekhyun: how much do you want to bet our old classmates will be up on the stand and cry fake tears while they falsely reminisce the time they prayed to god for you to get better

Luhan: oh everything. how much do you wanna bet the popular girls will tell everyone they my before i died

Noeul: you guys…

Baekhyun: this is so ed up

Luhan: ikr imagine using a dead man for attention

Noeul: lu i don’t think that’s what we’re referencing

Luhan: let me have my fun. speaking of. i have tea. bianca’s pregnant.

Noeul: my half-sister?

Baekhyun: what the hell did i miss

Luhan: gold. lots of it. guess who she got impregnated by?

Noeul: ?

Luhan: mothering hendery

Baekhyun barks out a laugh as Noeul gasps out a no.

Luhan: yeah. karma’s a ing alright. he’s working at the grocery down the street. apparently, he got kicked out. the huang's family got more than one son, so they didn’t need him

Noeul: she’s keeping it?

Baekhyun: i’m not sure whether to laugh at them or pity them

Luhan: don’t let the thoughts of hell stop you. i’m laughing.

Noeul: how far along is she

Luhan: idk but they better have not throw a baby shower at my funeral. i want the spotlight to be on me only

Baekhyun: don’t worry. i may not be seven foot tall with bulging muscles but i volunteer as your bouncer.

Baekhyun and Luhan exchange an endearing smile. Noeul feels warmth blossoming in her chest as she watches the silent conversation from the exchange. They didn’t share the same birth parents, but they were definitely brothers.

Baekhyun: how’s dad holding up

Luhan: oh you know. same old. i’m afraid he’s aging prematurely because of me

Noeul: he cares about you

Luhan: too much if you ask me. i’m afraid for his game

Baekhyun: this is not a conversation i want to be having

Luhan: it up. he can’t be sad and single forever

Noeul: give him some time. he’s prioritizing you

The room becomes heavy when they broach the topic. There are no jokes that can prepare Noeul for the reality of what’s about to happen.

Luhan’s eyes dull for a split second before his eyes gleam with their usual mischief. Even if Noeul hadn’t caught that, Baekhyun and Noeul both knew that he was just as afraid as they both were.

Luhan: i don’t want him to be hung over my death forever

Baekhyun: just wishing it doesn’t mean you can manifest it, fruit loops

Luhan: shut up.

There’s no anger or maliciousness in the shut-up. Only endearment and affection.

They don't talk about Sehun. It was obvious Luhan is avoiding that topic for as long as possible. And she had a feeling that whatever it was, it was strictly between them.

Luhan drops his phone, reaching out to grab both of their hands in his. He squeezes, and his eyes tell them that everything will be okay. Noeul takes this affirmation to heart. She might not be ready for when it happens, but right now, she’ll take all the strength she can get.