Sadness is a grueling thing. It hits you when you least expect it. At least for Noeul, she can’t tell when she’s ever happy until she’s not. Content. Was that what it was?

These couple of months. Was she merely content? Hiding away from the inevitable until it finally came knocking on her door?

She hadn’t expected everything to go to within the past day or so. Just like she didn’t expect to pick up Baekhyun’s phone call to hear the devastating news.

Noeul couldn’t stop shaking. Her hands were still trembling as she touched him. His sleepy smile pierces her heart, and god, it hurt. She wanted it to stop, but it doesn’t go away.

Baekhyun wakes with a sweet smile, innocent of what was about to come. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ears and asks her what’s wrong.

He can see the panic on her face. The racing pulse in her neck. Her words come out slowly. A lot calmer than she’d expected.

Sohyun passed away last night.

They need you to confirm her identity.

I’m sorry, Baekhyun.

Noeul’s apology feels void, but there was nothing else. No words to make him feel better. Baekhyun stares at her without speaking or uttering a single sound. She knows it’s all he can do to not fall apart.

Death itself wasn’t scary. Not until it affects the people you’ve left behind.

He opens his mouth. Closes it. And when he opens it again for the second time, he’s still unable to say anything.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Noeul asks, taking his hand in hers.

Baekhyun’s eyes are so empty. They were more lifeless than she’d ever seen them. More lifeless than the night she found him drunk, mourning his mother’s death. Even then, Noeul figured that he came to terms with the loss of his mother years prior to her actual death.

But Sohyun’s was different. She was innocent in all of this. But she was gone before he could really know her. And for that, Noeul found that silence was more comforting than anything anyone could say.

She reaches out to hold him. Her own heart pounding ruthlessly. She may have not have known Sohyun, but she knew Baekhyun loved his sister dearly. And death was merciless. So merciless that in fact, the easiest thing to do was to self-blame—to question everything. To place fault on someone or something. If only to make sense of something so paradoxical.

Death wasn’t understanding, but it was reality. It was its own antithesis. If you tried to reason with it, you only risk putting yourself to feeling more loss.

Noeul rubs his back. For now, she would hug him for as long as he needed. She would sit through this silence and remind him gently of what was waiting for him. Because comforting words? Those words didn’t help you cope with death.

It only made it more real, and coming to terms with a daunting reality was nothing more than an excruciating nightmare.