One morning, Baekhyun wakes to the frantic and cryptic noises of Luhan’s heart monitor.

He stumbles blindly off the couch. From the prior exhaustion of staying up late last night because Luhan insisted that they had to watch every movie of the Star War’s franchise, he didn’t process much of what was happening until he saw Noeul hunching over and jamming the alarm button as her body quivered with each sob she let out.

Baekhyun blinks and the reality of what was happening comes spiraling back to him. He hurries over to them both, helping Noeul to her feet as he pulled out his phone to call Junmyeon.

But his phone is dead. Baekhyun releases a frustrated sigh as he stressfully threads through his disheveled hair.

Noeul notices and offers to call Junmyeon. She hurries outside with Baekhyun’s car keys to grab her phone that she’d forgotten overnight.

Nurses and other medical staff come barreling into the room. Luhan is coding. His body was completely still. Baekhyun helplessly watches as life fades from Luhan's complexion.

The nurse approaches him, asking him if he could hear her. But Baekhyun cannot answer her question. He feels as if he is about to pass out right now.

She sighs pitifully, patting his arm, and slowly enunciates that Luhan’s heart is failing. He has a pulse, but it’s asystole. She tells him to say his goodbyes because the next time, Luhan’s heart may give out, and that is when they can’t do anything more with the DNR and all.

Baekhyun remains still because he still isn’t processing any of this. For weeks, all of them were prepared for this moment. Or so he thought he was. But when reality really sets in—the things that he’s chosen to ignore for the sake of keeping his sanity—Baekhyun is reeling with shock and mindlessness.

He sees it all so clearly. Luhan’s emaciated figure. Because at this point, he was being fed nutrients through a tube. His muscles were destroying themselves inside and out from the long state of being stuck in bed. His frame was barely bigger than an elementary student's.

Baekhyun’s heart rots despite the continual beating in his chest. It feels that way. Like he shouldn’t be alive somehow as he watched Luhan suffer.

Junmyeon arrives several minutes later, and they all wait outside the room as the nurses prepare each of them individually with instructions.

Luhan wanted to speak to all of them separately, so the order was Junmyeon, Sehun Baekhyun, then Noeul.

Seeing Noeul look so pain-stricken, Baekhyun has never felt more useless in his life. He would do anything to take her pain away, but how could he? He was also feeling it too. The pain and dread of this moment. Today would be the last day he would see Luhan alive.

The thought is like a poison with no antidote. It spreads ruthlessly throughout his bloodstream until he all can manage to do is stand.

None of them speak. They’re all shellshocked. Even Junmyeon who is usually the strongest and well-spoken of the three is dead silent. He’s also in his brain, fighting his own battles. Sehun hasn't talked in front of them for a while. She worried about him, but because Junmyeon seemed like he was getting through, she didn't force Sehun to talk.

Noeul, Baekhyun, and Sehun sit outside on the floors as Junmyeon enters the room by himself.

Noeul is fidgeting, and today, it seems like her tremors have worsened with anxiety. She must’ve forgotten to take her medication in the midst of this chaos.

Baekhyun focuses on simple tasks to keep himself sane. He takes one breath at a time. He walks one step at a time, grabbing her medicine from his car and heading toward the cafeteria to grab Noeul some water.

She takes her medicine without protest. The entire time. Her eyes don’t focus anywhere. They’re dithering and dimming, and Baekhyun feels even worse.

He offers her his hand, but she takes his entire arm. He would gladly give her anything. Even when he was barely hanging on by a thread.

Half an hour later, the door to Luhan’s room slides open, and Junmyeon steps out, his eyes red.

He coughs, looking toward Baekhyun and Noeul. “I’ll be back. I need a cigarette.”

Junmyeon was an educated man who thrived off of being a know-it-all when it came to a person’s wellbeing. He hadn’t smoked in years, but this admission—it was like a slap in the face to Baekhyun’s wavering spirit.

None of them were truly prepared for this.

Sehun's turn was long. He wondered what they talked about. Really. He hopes that both of them get closure. After Sehun slips out from the door, his eyes are bloodshot, and he glances knowingly at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun turns to Noeul who looks at him with glassy eyes. She moves to give him space, and he stands on shaky legs. Offering her a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, he pulls open the door and steps inside.

Baekhyun notices that they switched Luhan over to an oxygen mask in order to answer his last wishes.

He sits down by Luhan’s bedside, and at this point, seeing the playfulness in his friend’s eyes barely bring him the comfort that it should. That even nearing his last breath, Luhan would still be the mischievous brat that they all knew him as.

The thought grabs Baekhyun by the throat, and he finds himself crying all of a sudden.

“Oh crap,” Luhan rasps. His smile saddens, and the boy touches Baekhyun’s hand. “I just got done with seeing Dad cry. Not you too.”

Baekhyun swipes the sleeve of his hoodie over his face and laughs, “you should’ve recorded it. It’s a rarity.”

Luhan snorts. “Imagine how much money I would make if I sold that to the media.”

“What would you even do with the money?”

The latter shrugs. “Bribe Satan to not prolong my torture?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes.

Luhan smiles tightly, squeezing Baekhyun’s hands. “Okay, on a more serious note, will you listen to me?”

“I’m all ears, fruit loops.”

The smile widens into a delightful grin. “That’s the spirit.” Luhan is interrupted by a series of painful coughs. He has to heave several breaths before he can continue.

It’s like another stab to Baekhyun’s heart. He doesn’t know how many more jabs it’ll take, but he can imagine that the answer is soon.

“About Dad…” Luhan drawls, the familiar glint of mischief dancing his eyes. “I already said the things that I wanted to him. But—“ He inhales and then releases a rattling breath. “I need you to really make sure that he doesn’t spend his life in solitude. After I’m gone, he’ll only have you two left.”

Baekhyun nods wordlessly.

“I’m not saying that you have to hold his hand forever. But without someone pushing him, I know he’ll just hang onto the memory of me and forget about his own happiness.

“Baekhyun, he’s done that for the entirety of the time he’s decided to take me in. I’m not going to stand for that even if the grim reaper is coming for my head.

“I need you to make sure that he finds a hobby or maybe someone to spend his life with. I don’t know. Just something, okay? I don’t care if it’s traveling or ion.”

Luhan laughs at his own joke. “Maybe not since ion is technically illegal. But I won’t tell if you won’t.”

Baekhyun swallows back a heap of hysterics. “Did you want reports?”

“Duh. 12-point Times New Roman. Double-spaced. But not more than a thousand words. I’m not trying to read that much.”

Baekhyun chuckles, “you’re such a .”

“You are too,” Luhan mutters. “That is if you let Noeul go.”

“You’re dying and giving me advice on my love life?”

Luhan snorts. “Priorities, am I right? Seriously. She’s one hell of a woman. You better fight for her. If she’s sad for the rest of her life, I swear that I will come back and haunt you.”

“I wouldn’t wish on it.”

“She’s terminally ill, and it’s gonna get really hard. I know it seems like if you hang in there, it’ll pass, but sometimes, it won’t feel that way. So my advice to you is to take it one at a time. You spend each minute like it’s the last. Life is so ing fickle, don’t let it slip out of your hands and take away your happiness.

“But if that doesn’t work, then think about the moments that give you reason. Moments that make everything worth taking your next breath. I’m sure Noeul gives you plenty of those on top of the hell she gives you.

“Don’t try to take care of her. I know I would hate that, and who better if not me to give you that advice? She’ll appreciate your help when she can’t do it herself, but if you’re going to hover, please do yourself a favor and kick yourself in the . Noeul is so stupidly independent. If you want to keep her, give her space. You guys are going to fight over the smallest things that seem big at the moment. Clinical trials. Medications. But—remember, this is her life, which means everything she does is in her best interest. Support her every step of the way, okay?”

Luhan takes another deep breath, sending Baekhyun an encouraging grin. “Kick for me, little bro.”

Baekhyun’s chest hitches with a sob. “You’ll be at my games?”

“Lookup in the sky. I’ll be right there, and for when things get rough, right here—“ Luhan taps Baekhyun’s chest. “Will you call Noeul for me?”

Baekhyun nods, his eyes fluttering close to force out the tears welled up. Then, he stands after one last glance. Luhan waves lazily, wishing him goodbye.

He heads out the door, feeling infinitely lighter yet torn at the same time.

###

The buzzing in her head has been abysmally growing louder as the seconds tick by.

Noeul grows antsy, waiting for when it’s her turn to speak to Luhan. It’s the last time she’ll see him. Those three words send a sharp pain through her chest.

And she can’t even cry because Noeul has exhausted her tears this past year.

The door slides open, and Baekhyun walks out. He shuts the door behind him, his hand on the wall behind him to stabilize his footing.

The silence grows louder as Noeul waits. Until, finally, Baekhyun looks at her and nods. She gets up and almost falls over if it weren’t for Baekhyun’s quick instincts to catch her.

It looks like this is wrecking her body even faster than she thought. Noeul wants to laugh. At what? Maybe this ed up situation. Or at the world constantly throwing her adversities after adversities like it wanted to see whether Noeul would stand up or stay down.

Noeul somehow makes it inside the room without tripping. She sits down beside him, and Luhan beams.

“You’re here,” he admonishes. His voice doesn’t sound too good. It’s a little reedy, and it would make sense—judging by how long he’s been hooked up to a breathing machine.

Noeul forces a wobbly smile. “Yay,” she chokes out, her voice faltering and failing to remain exuberant.

Luhan doesn’t take it to heart when he interlaces their fingers. Instead of saying anything, his lips tremble, and he lets out several quiet cries.

Noeul feels the remaining of her chest explode into nothingness. She shuts her eyes, unable to look at this. Hearing his fearful cries in the final moments with him was a pain that transcended anything she’d ever felt.

“Noeul, you had the honor of being my very first friend. You were the only one who didn’t look at me like I was a tragedy waiting to happen. In some ways, we’re basically each other’s mirrors. You’re not the only one who pretends that their illness doesn’t represent them.

“But in fact, the truth . Because our illnesses have a permanent impact on our lives. I’m dying, and well—you’re going to be crippled one day.”

Noeul laughs at his insensitivity. She was so glad that he never changed. “You ablest. How could you use the c-slur?”

Luhan sticks out his tongue from under his oxygen mask. “I know right. No one more perfect than me, huh?”

Noeul shakes her head. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“You say that like you aren’t one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

“I’m not strong, Lu. I’m far from that.”

Luhan fixes an exasperated look on her. “Someone weak wouldn’t be my best friend. You have to have a heart of steel to befriend someone dying.”

“You ,” she whispers.

He feigns hurt. “I for dying, I know. I’ll admit—you’re the first to say that to my face. Moving on—“ He emphasizes dramatically. “Before you rudely interrupted me, I was going to say that just because our illnesses have consequences doesn’t mean that we let those consequences overtake our lives.

“I’ve always known I was going to die young. I’ve had pretty much an entire lifespan to figure that out. But the truth is—I’m terrified. But I never willingly let myself be alone. What’s the point, Noeul? My time is already cut short, so why let myself be more miserable?

“I’m always telling you to be more selfish and assertive, but you never listen. So, I’m pulling the last wish card on you—Noeul, stop letting Parkinson's take your happiness. You may think that the people you care about deserve more than a life of worries and concerns for you. But you forget.

“You’re just as human as any of them. You deserve just as much happiness as they do. Stop manifesting solitude, idiot. You’re as afraid of being alone as Baekhyun. So, literally, I’m telling you forefront—please just put him out of his misery. He’s literally in love with you, and I’m not blind. You’re in love with him too. Fear solitude together, for ’s sakes. Teamwork is dream work.”

Noeul diverts her gaze. “It’s complicated.”

To which Luhan sighs mockingly. “How many times have we heard ‘it’s complicated’ when the perpetrator is ourselves? How is it complicated?”

“I don’t want to be the one to take away his happiness,” she protests.

“Dude, you might as well snip my oxygen line as you say that. By denying your feelings, you’re actively hurting him. When the people you care about hurt, you feel that hurt as if it’s your own. Besides, if he saw that you didn’t reciprocate how he felt, he would’ve stopped pursuing you eons ago.”

“Is this what we’re really going to talk about on the last day of your life?”

Luhan grins mischievously. “Hell yeah. What I want for you has a lot to do with how you live out the rest of your life. I may have spent only two years with you, and I can say confidently that you’re not letting yourself be happy because you’re afraid of bestowing how you feel on others.”

He hit it right on its head. He practically drove the nail in. Noeul is stunned into silence.

“It . I know. We’re given this life with barely any tools. Me and you specifically. But how we make of what we can with the tools that we do have is up to us. Are you going to be able to feign complacency for the rest of your life? As you see Baekhyun with someone else? You can’t avoid him forever because he’s your family as much as Dad and Sehun are. So what? You’ll just resort to surviving? Living is fighting. It’s taking the next breath like it’s the last. It’s not letting the universe steal that away from you. I’ve been fighting for so long, and god knows how tired I am. But because I love you all so ing much, I’m lecturing your asses when I could be popping pills. I could’ve been taking the easy way out, but I chose not to. I chose to fight. You know, I finally told him, right? That I loved him so much, and that I wish I had ing time. But I don't. So don’t cheat your way out, Noeul. You’re better than that. You’re my best friend.”

Luhan’s figure is blurry, and Noeul is crying like she hasn’t shed tears in centuries.

This is what love is. Realizing that despite there are uncertainties in the future, it’s the bond you fight to keep with the people you care about.

Love didn’t have to be romantic. It existed in various forms, and right now, she felt it in her chest. In the air that she breathed. She felt it in the palm of Luhan’s hand and the wavering smile on his face.

“I love you,” she says.

Luhan laughs, tears springing from the corner of his eyes. “I love you too, Noeul. Don’t tell Baekhyun I said this, but you were always my favorite. Since the moment I met you.”

She releases a shuddering breath, curling onto his chest. They sit in silence, and when she hears the slow beeping of his heart monitor, Noeul kisses his cheek.

“Thank you,” she whispers. “For everything. You’ll be loved wherever you go, Lu. I’ll see you one day.”

Noeul hears his last breath before he’s gone, and it takes everything for her to not scream.

The sound of the beeping goes flat until, finally, the buzzing in her head clears away.

[a/n] am i sobbing? yes. im barely holding it together as we speak. like i have homework but i created characters that wreck my insides every time i write them.

man i'm so sorry for this chapter. i did tell you guys i would make you cry since the beginning. just not for the reason you thought of. i know all of you are manifesting a happy ending. believe me, it will be. i may be a sadomasochist but it's not all for nothing.