Noeul always wondered why her mother never slept with her. She grew up believing that children sleep in different rooms from their parents. Her mother didn’t tuck her in. She didn’t read her bedtime stories. Sometimes, Noeul felt like an afterthought, but when she got attention from her mother, she immediately felt bad about her thoughts.

Maybe her mother didn’t mean to be distant. Just like Noeul didn’t mean to grow up with ambivalent attachment. When Noeul wakes up, she doesn’t understand the emotions, swirling in her stomach—clamoring.

She watches the way the sunlight trickles from the window, softly highlighting Baekhyun’s bronzy skin. Her eyes fall to his open mouth, and there is some sort of adoration there. Maybe this is made up. Maybe her emotions are wired from all the she’d gone through in the last couple of weeks.

Noeul squeezes her fist until she feels the sting of pain when her nails dig into her palm. This is real.

She doesn’t know what overcomes her when she pushes herself into his neck—burrowing into him. As if he’s her safe haven.

Noeul tightly wraps one arm around his waist and the other—bunched somewhere in between the fabric of his t-shirt.

She feels him move, but he doesn’t shove her away. He doesn’t call her terrible names. Not like her mother.

You! Get away from me. I don’t know her!

In the last moments with her mother, Noeul didn’t think she could ever feel more broken than she felt on that day.

“Hey,” he whispers. She feels something soft brush against the shell of her ear. “You okay?”

Noeul takes a deep breath. “Do you ever feel like your emotions will burn you inside out?”

Baekhyun doesn’t respond immediately, brushing her hair back with his fingers. He’s gentle. He makes her heart squeeze, and the unfamiliarity of these emotions terrifies her.

“Sometimes,” he says after a beat.

“Like when?”

Noeul doesn’t expect Baekhyun to answer her. He doesn’t reveal much about himself. No one really knows who he is, and he’s a lot like her in that way. The only difference was that Noeul would do anything to untangle the knot of curiosity. To her, the unknown was a greater obstacle. It could hurt her. It could break her.

And she didn’t need to be broken.

But then he speaks, “whenever I come close to admitting that I hate my parents.” Baekhyun is silent for a second. She listens closely, picking up his shallow breaths. Then, he speaks again, “my mother was a drug addict my entire life. I’m used to feeling worthless, but the night she died—it felt like a new hell.”

Noeul listens to his heart beating. “Did you love her?”

Baekhyun scoffs—though, it sounds more like a front. He’s still protecting himself. Noeul wonders what it’s like to break every barrier between them. Which line was too far to cross?

“I loved my mom,” she says instead of him. Then, she repeats grimly, “I wanted to love her. I loved the idea of her. A guardian. A protector. But in the end, I was wrong. My mother wasn’t a good person. She was never a good mother. She neglected me. She only ever spent time with me when it benefitted her. My mother was a narcissist. She wasn’t only sick in health.”

Baekhyun's hands feel reassuring on her back. Noeul doesn’t remember the exact moment they rested there, but she can feel them now. And she doesn’t want him to let go.

“I loved her too,” he says—this time. She feels him even closer. He’s everywhere. He’s between her legs. He’s around her waist. He’s in her head. Noeul listens.

She listens to the change in his voice. She listens to the vulnerability. She listens to the wind blowing against the metal roof.

She listens to him because if not her, who will?

“I wanted to love her. My first-grade teacher told me that all mothers unconditionally love their child.” Baekhyun laughs bitterly. “She said, ‘parents come in different shapes and sizes.’ Though, mine were as sharp as knives. And if you didn’t know how to handle knives, you lose everything.”

“Do you feel like you’ve lost everything?”

He sighs. There’s resignation with a stark fleck of mystification. “You can’t lose everything if you’ve never had anything to begin with.”

Noeul finally lifts her face from his skin. She pulls just a tad away until she can see his expression. The anger that radiates in his eyes. The hard lines pressed into his skin from all the years of fending for himself.

She lifts a finger, tracing the furrow between his brows. Noeul smooths them out—finally, resting a palm against his cheek. “We don’t choose our parents, Baekhyun. Janus is the god of doors, gates, and transitions. He sees beginnings and ends. Which path will you diverge from? Where will that path lead you?”

Baekhyun’s eyes are fixed on her cheek. She guesses that he’s staring at her mole. The one on her left cheek. It’s faded away with age; though; she’s never had any hard feelings toward her mole. It represents her.

The girl that chose life.

Baekhyun doesn’t answer, and instead, continues to hold her. And they stay like that for a long time.

###

Noeul used to think nightly drives were her favorite way to pass time. Her butler knew when she wanted to get away. All she had to say was that she saw a fish on land.

Fish suffocated without water. And she couldn’t breathe in her family home. She felt like a fish—flapping on land. She felt that her words didn’t matter. Her cries weren’t heard, and eventually, she would be beheaded by the fisherman.

In hindsight, she was wrong. Night-time drives with Mr. Johann were nice, but flying through the streets—everything blurring around her—on a motorcycle was better.

Noeul couldn’t hear anything; yet, she heard everything. The loud rumble of the engine. The wind splicing around her. The chatter of pedestrians. For the first time, she feels enveloped by a world that she never knew.

Baekhyun’s back is strong. His leather jacket feels soft against her cheek. She doesn’t mind the patch of fabric that brushes against her cheek every now and then as they ride over divots on the road.

They arrive at a school, and Noeul feels reality dawning over her. Baekhyun senses that her mood has changed when he takes the helmet from her.

“Hey,” he calls out, his eyebrows meeting like they always do. In confusion. In concern. Which was it?

Noeul focuses on her breathing, smiling away her anxiety.

Baekhyun thumbs her cheeks, probably red from the cold wind. “Don’t do that,” he grumbles.

“What?” She feigns.

He shakes his head. “Tell me where you want to go, and I’ll take you away.”

She chuckles, resigning to their reality. “Maybe another day.”

Baekhyun ruffles her already-disheveled hair. “Okay,” he breathes out with finality. But then, his eyes linger on . “Then, don’t look so sad, doll.”

She feels warmth from the sun on her back.

Noeul breaks from their heated gaze. Was she afraid of what she was suspecting? Did she want to let go? Tumble right into his arms, knowing just exactly how their future would go?

It was an impossible reality.

“I’ll see you in the library, starboy.”

Baekhyun doesn’t speak a lot. Most of his words come from his eyes. Noeul feels the straining ache as an invisible hand s itself in the hollow of her chest. He purses his lips.

She doesn’t say another word as she turns her back to him. Noeul was more afraid of her words becoming reality than of death.

I wouldn’t care if loving you destroyed me.

###

First period is a different kind of pain. More annoying than anything.

“He was so—gentle—you know? It was so unexpected,” Bianca describes with a dreamy smile.

Noeul tries not to roll her eyes. It’s difficult. “So what? You’re suddenly in love with him now?”

Bianca’s eyes widen with urgency. “No! Of course not. Hendery may be the person who took my ity, but he and I aren’t like that. Besides, didn’t I tell you? I like Baekhyun.”

Noeul feels her patience shrinking drastically. “What do you like about him?”

Bianca sighs happily. “I told you this already! You need to listen more when I’m speaking to you. Gosh. Where do I even begin?”

And then, her nerves snap right in half.

“Baekhyun told off some mean girls when we were in elementary. He told me not to ‘worry about it’ when I wanted to return a favor. Like a real-life prince. I can’t even believe there’s someone so dreamy that exists in—real life, you know? He’s a tier above everybody else.”

Taking a deep breath, she reminds, “didn’t he reject you in middle school?” There was a reason why Bianca went overseas in the middle of seventh grade. There was a confession-gone-wrong according to her dainty half-sister.

Bianca frowns. “Well—“ She trips on her tongue. “Yeah, but it’s different now. We’re grown.”

“I beg to differ,” Noeul mumbles under her breath.

“What?” Bianca asks, blinking.

Noeul shakes her head, forcing herself to smile angelically. “Nothing. I was talking to myself.” Thank god, her half-sister was an airhead. “So, what’s your master plan?”

Bianca blows a strand of her hair away by jutting her lips. Then, she responds—all the while containing her excitement, “you know, I think he has a good impression of me. We have AP Bio together, and he’s really nice to me. We partner up all the time. It’s like—“ She flicks her hair back. “He can only see me.” Then, she releases a long squeal.

Noeul wants to kill herself. “Right. Of course. He obviously likes you.”

Bianca claps her hand together. “I was just thinking that. I’m going to ask him to our Christmas ball.”

The bell interrupts Bianca in the middle of her rambling about the dress she’s going with—along with her delusions of grandeur. Noeul wants to thank whatever higher power interrupted her because she didn’t know if she could take another minute of this.

Bianca briefly hugs Noeul before bidding her goodbye. As she prances to her next class, Noeul is left staring hatefully at the empty space in front of her.

“God, that was a nightmare,” someone comments behind her.

She whirls around to see a familiar person. “Luhan?”

Luhan grins toothily. “What’s up? How’re the doors of death treating you?”

“Wha—why are you here?”

He frowns. “Are you seriously telling me you don’t remember me being in your class since August?”

Noeul opens and closes it. She feels kind of bad. “Object impermanence.”

He snorts out a laugh. “I bet.” Then, he waves his hand. “Dude, you look like a kicked puppy. Chill. I’m unbothered.”

“Right,” she murmurs awkwardly.

He squints his eyes. “Well, uh, you wanna head to the next class together or—“

“Why would—“ This is when Noeul realizes he’s also in her second period. “Oh.”

Luhan smiles smugly. “Unbelievable. You gonna wheel me to my next class, or am I doing it myself?”

Noeul stumbles over to him, and off they go.

“Why do you hang around her?” He asks as they head toward their civics class.

“She’s my half-sister,” she answers distastefully.

Luhan makes a pained hiss. “I wanted to gouge out my own ears earlier. I can’t imagine how it’s going for you.”

Noeul merely shrugs. “It’s going.”

He laughs. “I mean—you like him. Baekhyun.”

“No, I don’t,” she answers a little too quickly.

To which Luhan makes a disbelieving sound. “I’m in the library all the time. You guys pine over each other like nothing I’ve ever seen.”

Noeul feels insulted. “I—I do not!”

He laughs at her again. “You’re so funny to rile up.”

“Well, stop. None of it is true,” she mumbles.

“Sorry, what? I think I heard that all of it is true,” he teases.

“There’s nothing going on.”

“I never speculated that anything was going on. I just said that you liked him.”

Noeul rolls her eyes. “I don’t like you very much.”

“Is that how you’re going to treat a disabled person?”

She fixes him a hard look. “Die.”

Luhan shrugs. “You can’t manifest murder, sweetheart. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Should I be afraid?” She asks, her lips twitching.

He turns halfway, returning her smile. “No, I like you. You’re going to be my pet.”

Noeul narrows her eyes. “I’m a human.”

“My very own domestic human,” Luhan adds without missing a beat. She isn’t offended. Noeul knows that everyone has their way of coping. For Luhan, it was humor. She liked him too, actually.

He wasn’t half bad.

“Co-ownership,” she announces.

Luhan smiles lazily, then he unironically says, “bark.”

###

Bianca drags Noeul from her fourth period as soon as the bell rings. “What’s the rush?” Noeul rightfully complains when she drops her notebook on the floor.

Bianca groans, reaching to snatch up Noeul’s notebook for her. “We have to go. Hendery invited us to sit with him.”

Noeul’s tongue feels heavy in when she tries to speak. “Why?”

“Do you live under a rock? Hello? I think he likes me,” she responds.

Noeul squints at her. “Seriously?”

Bianca is unfazed as she continues to pull Noeul forcefully. Noeul’s leg loses feeling for a split second, and she stumbles, falling forward. She can hear the clatter of her knee as she hits the ground. “Oh my god. Are you okay?”

Noeul nods, glancing down to inspect the damage. She could see a nasty bruise forming, but she’ll be fine. Slowly, she gets up. “I’m okay. Stop touching me,” she says, backing away from Bianca.

It wasn’t normal for her to fall, but Dr. Stevens told her that as her disease progressed, she would fall more often. She’d grow weaker until she couldn’t control her own movements anymore.

Bianca looks a little hurt, but Noeul suddenly felt vulnerable. As if her day couldn’t get worse. When she was diagnosed, Noeul could choose to delay her acceptance. She didn’t have to accept it so as long as it didn’t affect her. But it did. The fall was a reminder. She wasn’t free.

Noeul feels the weight of the disease on her shoulders. It hovers intrusively. Staring down at her already wretched life.

She walks behind Bianca. This time, carefully and slowly. When they get to the table, it’s already almost full. Noeul is uncomfortable with amount of people around her. She tries not to pay attention to the stares.

“Bianca. Noeul. Nice seeing you here,” Hendery greets. He signals them over, nodding his head at several people to scoot over.

Noeul only sits when Bianca pulls her down with her. Hendery moves to be on the outside, but he’s next to Noeul. When she looks up from her hand, she sees Baekhyun talking to Chanyeol.

“So…” Hendery begins, getting her attention. “When will I see you again?”

Noeul wants to shove him away from her when he puts his arm over her shoulder, tugging her into his chest. From the outside, they look like friends, but Noeul knows better than this. “Never,” she answers, looking anywhere but at him.

Bianca is talking to some other girls across from them, so she pays no mind. Noeul feels trapped. There was a reason she never comes to the lunchroom.

“You never missed any of us?” Hendery asks, blinking his big attractive eyes at her.

“Why would I?” Noeul challenges.

He feigns hurt. “We were your friends. You were cool once. What changed?”

Noeul scoffs. “Friend? I was your friend?” She finally pushes him away from her. He falls off the bench, but Hendery makes no move to get up. He pretends to be hurt. To be innocent.

She’s the bad guy. To the popular kids, she’s the one who abandoned them. She’s the one who wronged them.

This is the exact moment Baekhyun chooses to look at her, and she hates how she feels. Vulnerable. Sad.

But she makes no show of that. Noeul gets up, ignoring the eyes on her. The eyes that once made her feel powerful. She used to be one of them too.

“Noeul?” Bianca questions, attempting to tug her back down.

Noeul doesn’t relent. “I’m leaving.”

Baekhyun gives her a strange look. He doesn’t know. He wasn’t here in the beginning. He only transferred here during the second semester. She was long gone before he met her.

“Noeul,” Chanyeol repeats. “Stop overreacting.”

Baekhyun glances between the two of them. “You two know each other?”

Hendery finally gets up, dusting his clothes casually as he takes his seat back. He’s even closer to her this time. Her insides turn in disgust. “We all know her. You took her spot, my guy.”

Bianca’s expression tells Noeul that she was just as clueless. “What?” Her half-sister tilts her head, expectantly waiting for Noeul to explain.

Noeul opens to speak, but Chanyeol cuts her off. “Honestly, Noeul. What else are you hiding?”

She glares at him. “It’s none of your business, Chanyeol.”

“It was none of my business when you slept with one of my best friends?” He casually asks.

Noeul can feel things getting out of control. Everything is blurring together. She can’t do this. Not here. “I—“

Hendery whistles, “why did you come back Noeul? Does it excite you to dig up the dirty past?”

Bianca cuts in, “can someone tell me what is happening? Please?”

Chanyeol answers her because Noeul can’t will herself to speak. She can only hear everything crashing. Everything going wrong. “We dated just before homecoming, and she screwed Hendery behind my back.”

Noeul can’t breathe. “That’s not what happened.”

Hendery hums, enjoying all of this very much. “So what? You accused me of ual assault when you were the one who seduced me.”

Noeul punches him because frankly, she’s been wanting to do it for a long time. “You’re right. You were my friend, Hendery,” she spats. “The least you can do is have some dignity.”

Then, she leaves as fast her legs can take her. Before she can go anywhere, Bianca stops her right in the hallway. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Noeul doesn’t want to answer.

Bianca throws her hands up. “God!” She screams, kicking at the air. “You slept with him.”

“It wasn’t like that,” she answers wearily.

Bianca refuses to let go. “I—“ She makes a show of bending over to retch. “You should’ve told me.”

“I don’t have to tell you anything, Bianca. It wasn’t any of your business.”

“That’s the problem! I don’t ing know anything about you. Who the hell are you, Noeul? You slept with Hendery. He took my ity! That’s vile. I don’t want to live after knowing that I shared a guy with my sister.”

Noeul takes a deep breath. It’s the only thing that she can control, but even then, she feels that she’s lost any kind of control over her life. Her vulnerabilities. Her secrets.

Bianca takes one last look at her. All Noeul can see is disgust. “You’ve always been selfish, Noeul. It was only a matter of time before you end up alone. I pitied you, but you know what? You deserve it.”