Noeul liked her roommate. Kang Seulgi was well-spoken, not surprisingly because Seulgi was indeed a communications major. Seulgi knew what she wanted and didn’t bother to beat around the bush. Which is something Noeul really appreciated after growing up with a bunch of kiss asses.

Her first roommate, before she switched rooms to her current rooming situation, was a mess. A hot mess. She suffered from PTSD—had wild nightmares that often escalated into piercing screams. Okay. She admits. It was kind of mean for Noeul to abandon the girl, but she really wasn’t in a place to sacrifice her sleep for others.

Noeul and Seulgi became fast friends. It became unavoidable when Seulgi dragged her out into the college scene. Noeul was definitely fine where she was. In fact, Noeul preferred to remain in the confines of her own presence. Seulgi, on the other, did not.

She loved to socialize, and on top of that, Seulgi had a ton of friends, despite being in the same year as Noeul. The two of them were as different as could be. It would make a lot more sense for Noeul to dislike Seulgi. Just like she did with Bianca.

But Seulgi and Bianca were different when it came to empathizing. Bianca didn’t give a about Noeul’s comfort level. Seulgi, on the other hand, knew when to push Noeul out of her shell and when to pull back.

And right now, Seulgi was definitely pushing Noeul.

“Please, you can’t take it back,” Seulgi begs. Her pout is forefront when she puts her arms around Noeul.

“Sure I can. I never said that I would go,” Noeul protests, trying to throw Seulgi off.

The latter is stronger than Noeul. “You owe me.”

“You’re cashing in your favor?” Noeul questions sternly.

Seulgi hesitates for a beat, probably contemplating what a bummer it was that she lost a favor over something like this. With resolution in her eyes, she nods. “Yeah. I am.”

And this was how Noeul found herself sitting in an expensive brunch spot near downtown SF, facing a stranger.

Well, he hadn’t exactly been a stranger. Noeul did see him in some of her classes. She tries to recall his name. Was it Johnny?

“Johnny,” he tells her, holding a hand out.

Noeul sticks her out and shakes it, smiling cordially. “Noeul. Nice to meet you.”

“Same here,” he says with a smile.

Noeul scrutinizes his appearances. Unconsciously, she was comparing him to Baekhyun. Every guy that she’d been forced on a date with has been compared to Baekhyun. Maybe that’s one reason why she couldn’t move on.

There were no butterflies. No warmth in her chest. No stirring in her belly. And she felt apathetic.

Johnny was a lot taller than Baekhyun. He had broad shoulders, a longer torso, bigger hands, and he was definitely pretty. Handsome? Sure. But, for some reason, she couldn’t stop thinking about Baekhyun. He may have not shared the same height, but Baekhyun always fit perfectly within her arms.

His chest was broad enough. His hands were comforting. They weren’t too sweaty or too hot.

Noeul already felt apologetic toward the boy across from her. In hindsight, there was nothing wrong with Johnny. If she had been any other girl, she would jump at the opportunity to date him. Yet, the truth was simple. No matter who she met, they would never be able to fill the gap that Baekhyun left.

Johnny and Noeul exchange small talk. He tells her that since the very first day, she caught his eyes. She finds out that he doesn’t like upscale Mexican food, very much preferring his tacos from food trucks. She also finds out that he’s a CS major.

Noeul appreciates his attentiveness. He was kind. He didn’t seem as outlandish as her other dates.

But however alluring he may have been, Noeul felt absolutely nothing. When he excuses himself to go to the restroom, Noeul finds her eyes wandering around the brunch spot until they land on something that makes her heart stop dead in her chest.

A certain somebody.

For a second, all she can do is blink rapidly—trying to clear her eyes. Just in case she was hallucinating.

But she wasn’t. Not even a pinch pulls her away from the person who looked right into her eyes. Just like he’d always done.

She must’ve mouthed his name. He must’ve seen her. It’s the only explanation for his footsteps that were closing in on her.

Baekhyun takes the seat that was previously occupied by Johnny and smiles up at her. The smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. It’s a pity because he had an incredible smile when he meant it.

Noeul is mortified. She’s mortified that he’s here. Right in front of her. Mortified that her thoughts prior to this were full of him.

“Miss me?” He asks, the corner of his mouth twists into something resembling a sardonic smile.

She shakes her head. “What are you—doing here?”

Baekhyun leans onto both of his hands, his eyes never leaving hers. “I go to school. Here.”

“Here?”

“Berkeley,” he answers.

She bites down on her lips, afraid that he can see her hands tremble underneath the table. “Oh, that’s great.”

“I’m glad you think so, Noeul,” he says bitterly. “I can see that you’ve already moved on.” He nods off to the general direction of the restrooms, signifying that he must’ve seen this entire ordeal beforehand.

She stiffens. Noeul hasn’t moved on at all. She was stuck. Stuck in that time loop of the past. The clock hasn’t begun ticking for her ever since she left. But, she had to be strong. She let him go. It needs to stay that way.

“You’re sitting in his spot,” she musters.

Baekhyun’s jaw clenches. “So, this is it? This is all we are now? Strangers?”

Noeul tries not to cry. She can’t give up now. There was too much to lose. “Yes, Baekhyun. Goodbye.”

He blinks, and there it is. The truth simmering in the midst of everything. Noeul wants this. She wants him to let go of her. To let go of everything that they had. She could see plain and clear that, all this time, Baekhyun was clinging onto the memory of her. In hopes that maybe they had a chance. It was naive, and she was naive. Even now, Noeul is struggling to cling to this—a means to an end.

Funnily, he was just as afraid as she was to forget the year that they both shared. A love so intense that every breath consumed them.

She would never find that love again, but it was okay. If Baekhyun could move on, if he could just find someone who could give him more than she could, Noeul accepts that her broken heart will someday lead to a better life for him.

When he blinks again, Noeul can read resentment in his eyes.

“You haven’t changed at all,” he whispers. Then, he forcefully tears his eyes away from hers and stands. “You’re still selfishly deciding what’s best for me. If I had dissatisfied you in any way, I wish you would have told me. It would be far better than being left in the dark.”

And, just like that, he leaves.

“Who was that?” Noeul glances at Johnny who is back in his seat.

She shakes her head. “No one important.”

The lie tears her heart to shreds. It’s physical. The ache in her chest. It wasn’t solely about losing Baekhyun. It felt like someone ripped her heart out of her chest and stomped on it several times. Each stomp was a memory of him. A keepsake of what was once theirs.

His precious grins that used to belong only to her. His warm kisses that could soothe the iciest parts she kept tucked away. Or there were those tight hugs he used to give her in the middle of the night when she had nightmares.

Noeul exhales sharply. She wanted exactly this. But she didn't account that it would tear her sanity apart. Why it still hurt like a . A million cuts so deep that any thoughts of him felt like her wound was being drowned in hydrogen peroxide.

Noeul tries to erase today’s events from her consciousness. Of seeing him here.

An older Baekhyun. His thick, dark hair—longer, slightly curling in toward his forehead. His shoulders looked much broader. Arms long and sinewy, more dependable than they once were. If anything, it’d been the look in his eyes. A darkness that’s never been there before. Possibly like he may have accepted that very darkness to be a part of himself—every unfortunate thing that’s ever happened to him. They were there to stay.

Except they didn’t deter her at all. Not from the keen awareness that she would continue to feel overwhelmed by him.

Because, at the end of the day, Noeul couldn’t help it. That free-fall feeling that her stomach got every time she was in the same vicinity as him. That hasn’t changed at all, and it made everything ten times more terrifying.

The fact that Noeul hadn’t fully gone through the stages of grief. She hadn’t even begun to accept the thought that she really lost him.

Without considering the reappearance of her ex-boyfriend, still, Noeul could tell that this date was nothing but a mistake.

###

“Ugh! I don’t get it. Why would you say no to him?” Luhan laments.

It was close to midnight, and despite the time difference between them, Luhan didn’t care much about sleep as he preferred to talk to her until the crack of the dawn.

“I just wasn’t feeling it,” Noeul says, trying to be quiet as to not wake Seulgi from her slumber.

Luhan gasps like her words were the most scandalous words to ever exist. “You’re crazy. Have you seen his socials? He’s got abs for days. Legs! Don’t forget the legs.”

“Yes, I was the one who sent it to you. Remember?”

They were talking about Johnny. Luhan was talking about could’ve beens. And, well, Noeul didn’t care about that. She was still reeling in today. The freakish pound of her heart as she recalls the surreal physicality of Baekhyun sitting right in front of her.

“You’re missing out,” he teases.

“I’m fine. Thank you. He’s up for grabs.”

Luhan snorts. “I won’t live for much longer. I’m not trying to wreak havoc while I’m still here.”

“You’re so vulgar,” she says.

“Speaking of—Baekhyun told me that he met you earlier.”

Noeul chokes up, and she has to clear . “Should you be telling me that?”

Luhan guffaws, “nope! Not at all. It’ll be our little secret though.”

She can’t help smiling as memories of the three of them resurface. “You’re a y friend.”

“But,” he drawls, “you’re still talking to me for what?”

“Because you may be the only person apart of my old life left.”

“That’s depressing…”

“You’re talking?”

“Hey, I’m not a coward. I’m facing death head-on. You, on the other hand, could probably do much better,” Luhan scolds lightheartedly.

Noeul makes a face as if he can somehow see it through her phone. “I don’t wanna hear it.”

“Too bad, so sad. Park Noeul, you need to quit being so hard on yourself. You’re one person. You’re allowed to be selfish. You gotta live like it’s your last day on earth.”

“Is that what you tell yourself at night, Lu?”

He tsks. “Noeul, please. I’m god’s gift to this world, which is why he’s taking me back. None of you deserve me.”

Noeul feels lighter. “God, I love you.”

“I love you too, girly. Now. Let me tell you about this cute boy—“

Noeul couldn’t express how grateful she had been to Luhan for everything. If not for him, she would be crying her eyes out right about now. She’d be up all night, wallowing about her encounter with Baekhyun. She might even begin to feel the chains of regret bind her legs until she wanted to keel over and run back to him, possibly making another mistake. It would be so easy. To run back into his arms. To beg for forgiveness. To pretend that Parkinson’s wasn’t a disease that affected more than her health.

But part of growing up is accepting the inevitability. It’s being self-aware and hoping that you still do what’s best for you and for the person you wish to protect.

[a/n] hi i'm back to break your hearts. yes, it's time for you guys to suffer again. it's time to prepare tissue boxes <3

i do, however, apologize for my craziness. the random double/triple updates lol