Onew snorted (mentally), thinking “No surprise there, no one on this planet could even figure out what she’s saying half the time, let alone what she’s thinking at any given moment.”   

“________.  Look at me,” he commanded, tilting her chin up. “Why the hell are you feeling guilty?”

Her eyes remained closed in embarrassment, long lashes two sweeping fans against her still-pink cheeks.  

“That’s not what I meant; I didn’t mean it the way you’re probably thinking.  I know it wasn’t my fault and everything…I, I…,” she rushed out. 

You were busy scrambling for a plausible explanation.  You knew that Onew wouldn’t be satisfied until he’d discovered the reason you were blushing.  There was no way you could look him in the face and tell him you felt guilty for standing over your parent’s graves and admiring the way he had looked all cleaned up in a superbly tailored suit.  That upon seeing him, you had instantly began wondering if his chest was as sculpted as the suit implied, as sculpted as you remembered; if his eyes, so stormy and dark in grief, would lighten to that chocolate brown if you snuggled into his arms, would gleam if you kissed his sweet mouth.

It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen the movies, hadn’t talked to friends, to her family’s pastor.  Grief was grief and she was only in the first stages of it.  There was always some kind of drive to feel alive, to confirm that the parts that were hurting so badly on the inside weren’t really damaging you on the outside.  This drive existed to find a way to escape pain, if even for a second.  Human condition, her pastor said, the hurt proved she was human.  If that was true, then _____ knew she was human, the most human of humans on the entire damn planet. 

It wasn’t just the pain, although it was a convincing reason.  It was the loss, the empty spot in her heart.  It was easy to try and imagine her folks were going to be waiting when she flew into the airport, ready to hug her hard and sweep her bag from her hand.  Only the lonely, throbbing ache in her heart kept reminding her it was real.  They were gone. Forever. 

Still, the rationale was all in your mind.  You felt guilty because you so desperately needed the escape; you wanted to focus on something positive.  It felt like a betrayal.  It hurt because you wanted to indulge in that feeling of desire for Onew;  that feeling that struck you with such burning need that it filled that empty aching place.  Your heart betrayed you, your body betrayed you, just as they always had.

-Flashback-

                                                                                                                                                                           image credit: public domain

Back when he had moved in next door he seemed a strange cross between friend and foe.  Some afternoons he would walk you to the park & let you play while he practiced singing under the trees.  Some days he would run around with his group of friends- not only ignoring you, but refusing to let you take part in the games they would play.  He seemed to know exactly how to make you mad, even enjoy seeing you frustrated.   But if his friends began picking on you, shoving you into the dirt or pulling your hair, he would suddenly change into a big brother- yelling at his pals and forcing them to apologize.

It was a difficult time- you wanted to be a part of his circle (being ignored was so unfair), but you didn’t always want to do what the boys were doing.  It was much more fun when he bought you ice cream after school or let you listen to him play piano and practice singing at his house.  He was really good at listening to you babble on about your day, or what you were going to be when you grew up.  He never laughed at you or told you it would never happen, unlike those mean girls at school.

Did it happen so slowly that when he was sick one day, you only realized that night in bed that your day was worthless without seeing him? Or were you happy as brother-sister-friends until you saw him laughing in the sun and were instantly aware that your heart had changed?

You thought back, trying to pinpoint a moment when you fell over the cliff edge of “like” into the crashing sea of “love”….

But before you had time to wander down those roads, your attention slammed to the present on the couch with Onew.  His fingers had moved down from their perches on your neck and back to grip your hips.

“The thing is they knew that I was coming back from the designer’s workshop early, and wanted to be here to welcome me back.  They cut the weekend short…,”

“But they were coming home sooner than that because I flew back in from Japan,” he interrupted.

“Shush, Onew.  It wasn’t your fault, either.  No responsibility for wasted drunks, right?  OR accidents in bad weather!”

 “Ok, ______.  You can stop throwing my own words back in my face.”

A reluctant smile emerged as he rolled his eyes.  You grinned in response, the tears drying into itchy tracks on your cheeks.  Silence descended, and the smiles suddenly grew strained and slowly disintegrated.  Stares held, and slowly a new light entered Onew’s eyes.  You didn’t think he realized that his fingertips had been rhythmically kneading your hips, spurring a hiccup in your heartbeat. 

Your breath caught… 

A/N: omo! *mwahahaha*- evil laugh at cliff hanger ensues.  Sooooo...do you guys want some mature content or no? Just wondering what you'd prefer?!?  I have chapters from here that go either way- almost like a "choose your own adventure" thing. So comment- if you want to keep it simmering for now then I can always write in some *ahem* adult stuff later.

A/N #2: THANKS to all my subbers- never thought I'd get even one, let alone 11.  And to all the silent readers- obviously you're out there, since I have like 156 views of the story, THANK YOU FOR READING!!! LOVE THAT!  Though I wish you would feel ok to sub, being an ex-silent reader myself I totally understand if you don't.  Just keep reading- it makes my day, nay! my week!  *happy dance*