---

Does fate despise us?

---

Kyungsoo glanced at the watch on his wrist, tutting when he saw that it was already past noon yet Jongin hadn't called yet or even made an appearance. The elder would very much like to see his cousin so much.

He already missed the younger.

He bent down and stared at the table to hide his blushing face as he thought of Jongin's cute face and his shy smile.

He was at the cafeteria eating his fries. He sighed as he lifted his head up only to yelp as a hand suddenly covered his eyes. He frowned, but smiled nevertheless as he realized that the soft hand belonged to his bestfriend.

"Chanyeol!" he grumbled, but deep inside he was feeling butterflies in his stomach. He was glad that his bestfriend had been the one to save him from Jackson yesterday and who had brought him to the clinic. He was glad that they were friends again.

He heard a chuckle from behind him, flinching a bit as Chanyeol ghosted his breath over his nape. His friend now pulled his hand off his eyes and sat on the empty chair across from him. Kyungsoo playfully rolled his eyes as he saw Chanyeol's smile; the one that made him look like a total idiot. His friend seemed unusually happy today. As far as he knew, they were blue buddies – always glum and depressed.

He arched an eyebrow at his friend, lips tugging up to a smirk.

"What's got you so bright today, hmm? Your gums are sparkling so much they blind me," Kyungsoo teased, flashing a grin while running his fingers through his hair.

Chanyeol watched for a bit as if he was awestruck. Kyungsoo snapped his fingers at his friend's face, eventually bringing back the boy to his senses. Chanyeol squinted his eyes.

"I'm always happy," the elder retorted, huffing.

"That's not what I mean, hyung."

The elder gazed at Kyungsoo, a ghost of a smile on his face.

"I'm... just glad that everything's finally okay," Chanyeol muttered, playing with his fingers. "We're friends again and we're okay now."

Kyungsoo stared at him for a bit and smiled. He felt his heart clench and he didn't know why.

Was everything really okay?

Was he really okay?

Then a familiar voice in his mind, the one that he had already buried in his heart for his to replay it over and over again, spoke.

"You're okay, hyung."

And Jongin's face flashed right before his eyes. The younger was grinning at him from ear to ear.

Kyungsoo blinked his eyes repeatedly, not believing what he was seeing.

Jongin was here, right in front of him.

"You're okay, hyung."

Am I? he thought.

"You're okay, hyung."

I am, he told himself.

"You okay, Kyungsoo?"

He stared at the different face in his eyes now. Chanyeol was here now, asking him if he was okay.

This was the difference between Jongin and Chanyeol.

Chanyeol had asked him. But Jongin had answered for him.

And, boy, that had Kyungsoo wanting to see his cousin right now.

And as the elder kept on looking at him with a confused expression, his brown eyebrows furrowing up his blonde hair, Kyungsoo just flashed a forced smile at him.

"I am."

--

He was sitting on his chair in one of his maths class, hunching his back as he reviewed some problems and formulas Jongin had taught him all over again. He had it all correct. Happy was an understatement. He was in glee, for he was now quite good in maths. And he needed to thank Jongin for that. He reminded himself to thank the younger when they meet up later and maybe... maybe give him a kiss?

His cheeks burned at the thought, shaking his head and smiling to himself at his silliness. He couldn't help but think of the words they had shared on his bed last night.

"I love you, Jongin."

"I love you, too, Kyungsoo-hyung."

He found himself giggling and he frowned when someone threw a crumpled paper right at his head, hearing snickers behind him. He sighed and just ignored Taeyang and his gang of friends.

"For those who are done, you may pass your worksheets now and leave early," Mrs. Kang said from the front and Kyungsoo was the first to stand, his classmates' eyes bulging out of their sockets.

"Damn. Do Kyungsoo's done," a classmate, Jonghyun, speak in awe as he walked to the front to pass his paper.

His maths teacher smiled at him as she accepted his paper, immediately scanning his answers. She cleared and glanced up at him, grinning.

"Jongin taught you well," she said.

Kyungsoo nodded, biting his lip as he tried to contain the bubbling sensation in his chest as he thought of the boy who always smiled too wide.

"He did, ma'am."

--

He walked his way through the hallway to get to his locker, humming a happy song to himself. He was feeling so, so happy now that he felt his body floating in the air in so much happiness. But the smile that had been playing on his lips faded as he saw two people at his locker: Baekhyun and Jongdae.

And what made his heart twitch was that the older of the two was trying to comfort the younger who was bawling his eyes out.

He skipped his way to the two and stopped just in front of them, his body in a quandary.

Baekhyun was crying out loud, clutching something in his chest. Jongdae looked up at Kyungsoo, his eyes red. He thought the elder might have cried, too.

But for what reason?

As if to answer his question in his mind, Jongdae spoke in a silent voice that had his legs shaking and his heart shattering to even more pieces.

"Jongin is gone. He left us."

He could hear the nonexistent grenade in his mind finally explode, alerting his senses, making him sweat and shudder with fear.

Jongin... had left?

Kyungsoo didn't realize that his eyes were now flooding with colorless blood from the unbearable pain he was feeling inside of him.

He let out a loud sob, steadying himself on Jongdae's shoulders as he looked downcast. He heard Baekhyun blubber even louder and felt his cousin's arms surround him into an embrace. He sobbed on his cousin's chest, not even the least embarrassed if the students passing by saw them.

"He l-left for America just an hour ago w-with his dad without even s-saying goodbye. Kangri-imo s-said that they might n-not be coming back for another t-ten years," he heard Jongdae utter with an obvious sob. "He d-didn't tell us."

Kyungsoo finally looked up at him, face wet with tears.

"Why?" he asked the elder.

Jongdae only shrugged and bit his hand to muffle a loud cry.

Kyungsoo felt a hand tap on his back. Pulling away from Baekhyun's grip, he turned to see Xiumin in front of him with Suho behind him. Both looked like they'd just hit the wall because of their swollen eyes and messy hair.

"Imo gave each of us letters from Jongin," Xiumin mumbled, trying not to cry again as he sadly smiled. "But Nini's diary... She said that he had told her it was for you."

The elder then lifted his hand and a small blue notebook invaded Kyungsoo's view. He felt his breath stop as he accepted the diary from his hyung's hold.

Xiumin looked at him straight in the eyes, seeming to tell him something... like a secret – a secret that only the two of them knew. There was a ghost of a smile at the elder's lips.

He smiled gratefully at Xiumin because his hyung understood.

Xiumin understood Jongin and him.

He glanced at the diary in his hand, his heart beating so fast.

"We'll leave you for a bit. We still have classes," Xiumin said and chuckled. "Damn it. We look like right now."

"Words, Xiumin-hyung!"

"Oh, c'mon, Jongdae! Only for this time."

"O-ing-kay."

"Hahaha!"

--

Kyungsoo was now in his room, sobbing his eyes out. He curled himself up on a corner as he kept on looking at his and Jongin's picture in his phone which the younger had taken and sent him last night.

He didn't know why Jongin would leave him all so suddenly.

He didn't get why people he loved always left him broken, as if he wasn't already.

He couldn't dare to open the younger's diary which was for him.

Their cat Meredith jumped from the opened window to his bedside table where the diary was placed. He just stared at the cat watching the diary and poking it with its paws. The diary, having been pushed further to the edge, fell onto the floor with a thud.

He suddenly stood up on his feet as a picture fell out from the diary with its front facing the floor. He crouched down to snatch the picture and gasped as he saw that it was a stolen picture of... him; him on the grass at the park, him staring down at his notes.

Jongin had taken a picture of him and had put it in his diary.

His heart jumping in his chest, he fumbled with the diary to open it. Flipping the cover, he instantly saw Jongin's neat penmanship. He read the first few lines that was written in black ink.

My Enigma

His name is Do Kyungsoo. He's one year older than I, but he's small. He's so cute. He's so mysterious.

He read about the younger's wanting to become close to him. He read about Jongin's everyday life in school and home with his name always included on the pages.

He flipped a few more pages.

Tutoring Day 1

He's quite picky, but he's cute.

He read about the younger finding his smile and laugh cute.

Flipping a bit more, his eyes caught on something.

My First Kiss

My first kiss is named Do Kyungsoo.

It is soft. Just like his lips.

It is slow. Just like the beating of my heart when he looks at me.

My first kiss was Do Kyungsoo, my cousin.

He was mad.

But I wasn't​ sorry I kissed him. Not even a bit.

He felt his tears fall as he read a few more lines on the pages.

His body is a wonderland of dreams.

If I were to sleep, I'd choose to sleep next to him and never wake up.

He is the epitome of beauty.

His hair is the sun's rays that shoot my heart and make it warm.

He couldn't read the other words for tears were already clouding up his eyes. But his heart stopped at the last notes Jongin had written.

It was a letter for him.

For Kyungsoo.

**

My dearest cousin,

my favorite kind of mystery,

my love,

Kyungsoo-hyung,

The first time I saw you, I thought to myself, "why is he always alone? Does he not talk? Is he shy? Why is he so quiet?"

Then I found out from my mother that you were her nephew – a cousin of mine.

I wanted to get close to you then, so I did things to make myself better. No, the best I could ever be.

Because I wanted you to finally notice me and become my friend.

There was just something in you that made me so curious about you. I didn't know it before, but now I do.

You have glamour; you're so enchanting.

You captured my heart the very moment my eyes laid on you.

Your smile; it is a star that I want to keep inside my heart forever for it to keep beating.

You are different from the others. If their charms are outspoken; yours is a treasure I have yet to uncover. And I did.

And I can't help but think of many things when I lay my eyes on you.

If you were a butterfly, I'd want to be the wind so I could fly with you. And be with you always to wherever dreamland you might go.

Together we would be ruling the skies and be bringing life to the sad clouds so they wouldn't have to shed their tears anymore.

We would create a rainbow to hide the colorless blood they always poured​ out.

If you were a teardrop, I'd want to be the earth so I could be the first to catch you when you'd jump out from the windows of a human's soul.

When you'd fall on me, I would welcome you with open arms. And I would keep you inside my hearth forever.

If you were a piece of white paper, I'd want to be a crayon so that I could bring color to your white wonderland.

But we were not perfect, for you were glass and I was a rock.

Whenever I tried to get close to you, you always broke.

The more I touched​ you, the more you broke.

And then came the time that you shattered to pieces.

And I wasn't able to fix you back.

For I wasn't your glue nor your tape.

I was the one who broke you.

Why must life be this hard for us?

Our love was perfect. But why were we not?

Does fate despise us? Why are we never meant to be?

But maybe, somehow in another world,

in another dream,

in another life,

there is another story of us,

there is finally you and me.

We are perfect.

And maybe we are meant to be.

In there.

Just not here.

Because, here, we are imperfect.

And are never meant to be.

We are cousins. And cousins aren't supposed to love each other like the way we do. It's a sin in the eyes of the people; in the eyes of God.

But how can loving someone be a sin, right?

For all I know, God is love. So what we're having is truly God's. It is not a sin to love. It is not a sin to love you.

I'm writing this because I want you to know that I love you like I always tell you. And I always will.

I love you, Kyungsoo-hyung.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not telling you about my departure when I had the chance. It was planned, yes. But I knew that you'd never accept if I told you I was leaving. I don't want you to hurt even more than I already am hurting you so I didn't tell. I don't want to be the cause of your hurting anymore so I'm leaving.

Please forgive me.

But, hyung, there is just one thing I'd like you to do. ---**

Kyungsoo stopped reading to wipe the tears in his eyes, to calm the flooding emotions inside him. The only thing in his mind right now; Kim Jongin. The boy who had taught him that love was limitless. It didn't matter what or who you were. As long as 'we' and 'us' existed, so did love.

And as Kyungsoo continued to read the last lines, he fell on his knees. His heart shattered all over again as his eyes trailed on the black letters.

Start your day with a smile even if I will not be there to see it anymore.

- Jongin

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Why are we never meant to be?