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And I wasn't able

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The orange-haired boy groaned on his bed for the tenth time already. He already had been kicking anything his legs came close to, throwing anything either of his hands touched, and hitting his head repeatedly into the wall with a scream for the past three hours. It had been two days already yet he couldn't forget about it.

Kyungsoo couldn't forget about the kiss.

The kiss that had shattered his already shattered heart to even more tiny pieces and had left him with so many questions he never had answers in the first place.

He didn't know what the younger had thought when he'd kissed him.

Jongin was his cousin, but they had kissed.

No. The boy had kissed him.

And it was making his insides whirl in guilt and shame and whatnot. That wasn't what blood-related people were supposed to do. That was very wrong; a mistake; sin.

Kyungsoo gulped as he thought about sinning and shook his head, slightly smiling to convince himself that that was okay even if it was not.

After he'd shouted at the younger for what happened, he'd stormed his way out of the place with fury in his heart. He'd thought that Jongin was just playing with his feelings and making him more miserable than he already was. He hadn't gone to their tutoring sessions since that. Kyungsoo hadn't answered Jongin's calls and texts. And whenever the younger went to Kyungsoo's classes to talk, Kyungsoo avoided him and hid.

He wasn't upset. He was outraged.

His friend, Chanyeol, was not making him feel any better, too. The elder had been avoiding him and trying not to make any eye contact with him in classes they were together.

You could say that Kyungsoo had ed up his life real bad.

Suddenly, his phone beeped. There was a message from his mom that told him to come to the hospital as soon as he could.

Seulgi must have woken up! he thought.

Fixing his hair, he hoisted his body up to stand on his feet. He grabbed his sweater and covered his bare upper body with it. He finally went outside the house and saw that it was already dark, shivering at the cold night weather. He pulled his bike that was leaning on the fences and jumped on it, already making his way to the hospital to visit his little sister again.

The wind blew against his face stark mad, but he didn't care. His hair went flying up in the opposite direction as he pumped his legs faster to get to the place real quick and to finally see his sister. Arriving, he got out of his bike and threw it somewhere as he ran inside. He hoped to see his sister at least moving her pinkie or even opening her eyes. Or say his name. He hoped to see her calling him by his nickname again.

"Kyungie-oppa."

And little Seulgi would smile at him and hug him.

His lips curved upwards at the imagination.

But that little hope to see her shattered right before his eyes when he saw that the door of her suite was already opened. A few nurses were coming out the room with gloomy faces.

He felt his heart stopping as he finally entered the room and saw his mother's shaking back and beside her was the bed where Seulgi was supposed to be lying in, but no. The bed was still there, but it had already been covered by a white cloth. And Kyungsoo swore to himself that very moment that he hated the color white.

He dragged his feet towards his sobbing mother and hugged her from behind, tears instantly making their appearance in his eyes.

"S-shes... gone," his mother muttered, low enough for him to hear, but loud enough for his heart to shatter all over again.

He could only watch the outline of the white cloth that covered Seulgi's tiny lifeless body.

He hated white.

Because that was going to be the color of his little sister's casket, dress, and the flowers.

White was the color of death.

--

"My condolences to your family."

He had to put up a fake smile every time the visitors, or any of their relatives, said that to him. His mind and body were already so exhausted of all the things he had to do. He couldn't even think straight anymore. His mother was nowhere to be found. She probably was wasting herself somewhere. Good thing that all his aunts and some relatives were here to help him with all the work in the burial.

They were at the cemetery, four days after Seulgi had died. The little girl was to be buried now, but only for a few minutes later. Kyungsoo still couldn't accept of his little sister's fate, but it already had happened. He might not admit it, but he had cried every night at Seulgi's room. He wasn't ready to let her go just yet. That poor girl; a beauty gone too soon.

Kyungsoo grunted slightly in his place as the rays of the sun hit his skin. An aunt had told him to stand near the entrance to welcome any newcomer. She'd said not to worry because a cousin would be accompanying him. And so here he was, greeting and pretending to be happy the guests came.

He wasn't happy at all, especially when a face of someone way too familiar, who was on the opposite side from him at the gate, finally met his gaze after so many attempts of him avoiding the younger.

, he thought, eyes wide in shock and fear. He didn't get what he was feeling.

Kyungsoo thought fate might be playing with him because Jongin was the cousin his aunt had told him who would accompany him.

Jongin was clad in a black long-sleeved shirt as him, black tight pantaloons that hugged the younger's thighs, and was staring at him with those eyes that seemed to tell him something. The ends of the younger's lips tugged upwards to form a smile at him, eyes glinting in what he could guess was anticipation.

That moment, Kyungsoo felt trapped and cornered like a prey.

Why is he looking at me like that? he continued to think, now having a staring contest with the younger and already forgetting the real job for being here.

Jongin just cocked his head to his side coolly, darting his tongue out to his dry lips, still focusing his eyes on the elder.

Kyungsoo closed his eyes shut, already feeling his face heat up. He could hear the younger greeting someone as they probably passed by.

"Good morning, sir and ma'am."

He felt his breath hitch when he finally opened his eyes and saw that Jongin was still staring at him. He now had the courage to glare at him.

"Staring is rude," he grumbled, bending his head slightly to look intimidating at least. He arched an eyebrow at the younger who only shrugged at him.

"Well, avoiding someone is, too," Jongin scoffed, crossing his arms.

"You..." he trailed off, looking for the right words so that it wouldn't be too awkward for him to say it right at the younger's face, "put your lips on mine. Now how am I supposed to feel about that, huh? Should I be glad? No. It made me feel like for the past few days, Jongin."

His cousin just smirked at him and chuckled.

He wanted to jump off a building right here, right now.

"I kissed you, hyung," Jongin said, showing a grin. "That's the word. And, I'm sorry for making you feel like that. But I was not sorry I kissed you."

His jaw dropped after hearing the younger's words.

Has he gone insane? he thought. Who would kiss their cousin on the lips?

"Are you crazy, Jongin? Are you even hearing yourself?"

"I'm not crazy, hyung. Well, maybe I am. For you."

"You're ing sick!"

"I'm not, hyung."

Kyungsoo shook his head as he looked at his cousin's eyes which were tinged with hurt. He stepped back and, before he even knew it, he was already running away from the place, from the younger. He almost tumbled over when he reached a dead-end that caused him to halt, panting deep breaths. He felt relieved that he was now far from his cousin's sight, but that was only short-lived.

Footsteps came pausing just right behind him that had him still and praying to the heavens.

"Kyungsoo-hyung, please talk to me!" he heard Jongin whine from behind.

Having no other choice, he turned around to face the younger who already had his eyes b with tears.

Kyungsoo's heart clenched at the sight, unconsciously making his way towards the younger to lift his hand and wipe the tears off Jongin's face, slightly tiptoeing to level the younger.

Jongin's face instantly lit up at Kyungsoo's tiny act, clasping his hand over his hyung's hand on his cheek and closing his eyes at the warmth radiating from it.

"Oh, hyung," he almost moaned, slowly opening his eyes to set it on Kyungsoo's brown ones. "I missed you so much."

Kyungsoo could only let out a tiny puff of air as he gazed at Jongin who was looking at him like he was everything. The younger's eyelashes fluttered like a bird's wings as the cool wind blew onto his tear-stained face. The elder put his other hand in the younger's other cheek.

"Don't leave me again like that, hyung," the younger pleaded, eyes shining under the sunlight.

Kyungsoo didn't know what he was doing. He just wanted to hold the younger for he just looked so adorable in his face. The younger had said he missed Kyungsoo and that he didn't want him to leave him so suddenly. And that made Kyungsoo's heartstrings twitch.

"Oh, don't cry, Jongin. I'm here now. I won't leave you again," he found himself saying these to his cousin who was still crying.

He was supposed to continue but Jongin was already pulling his body closer, the younger pressing his own lips onto his instantly. Jongin just let his lips move against his hyung's, his tongue touching the latter's lips every so often as if he was craving for this for many years now.

The elder just let Jongin do his thing, not pushing him or anything, his heart jumping excitedly in his chest as if he was anticipating for this to happen again. But after what seemed like a few seconds, both of them pulled back to catch their breaths. Kyungsoo noticed that Jongin's lips were already swollen and wet and the younger was panting that had his stomach flipping.

He was about to say something but Jongin cut him off again by kissing him, harder this time, tongue darting out and trying to enter his mouth.

And this time, Kyungsoo found himself kissing the younger back with the same force and eagerness he didn't know he had.

And he wasn't even sorry that he might have bitten Jongin's lower lip once or twice.

---

to fix you back