---

For I wasn't

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Jongin pulled away from Kyungsoo, opening his eyes and never leaving his sight from his hyung who was now a panting mess from what they had just done. He couldn't help but chuckle at his hyung's disheveled hair that he had tugged rather hard earlier. The elder rolled his eyeballs at him.

"Now you're laughing at my face after what you've just done," Kyungsoo huffed, crossing his pale arms, seeming to be just calm and collected as if they hadn't just kissed. Jongin couldn't help but coo at his cousin's cuteness. "Do I look like a ing baby to you?"

"Yeah," he replied at the elder, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "You look like... my baby."

His hyung could only sputter incoherent words.

"I— I swear to God, Jongin! You'll never live to see the sunlight if you keep flirting with me!"

"But I'm not, hyung. I swear!"

"No. You don't swear 'cause you're a scaredy-cat."

"Oh, really? Would you want me to kiss you again?"

He looked at his hyung, biting his own lip to . The elder looked horrified for a second as he backed a step, but regained himself after.

"N-no..."

"That's what I thought."

"Not today, at least."

Jongin found himself in a choking fit after he heard his hyung, the elder laughing at his flushed face.

He swore to himself that at that moment, he could feel his heart dancing to every note of Kyungsoo's laugh. He flashed a grin at his cousin, the elder doing the same.

He's so beautiful especially when he smiles, he thought.

--

"And... I'm done!" his cousin, Baekhyun, shouted at the top of his lungs, completing the puzzle laid on the coffee table, doing a victory dance. Jongdae and Xiumin covered their ears in annoyance. It was seven in the evening and they were at the latter's house now for another cousin bonding they always did.

"Took you that long, hyung?" Jongin questioned from the couch, pointing his own puzzle on his lap which he had already completed an hour ago.

"Yeah. Nini got his done, like, an hour ago," Xiumin declared, shooting a dirty look at Baekhyun like the younger was some kid who couldn't even put two and two together, Jongdae doing the same.

Baekhyun wailed on the floor.

"Dang it! Why do you always beat me at this, Jongin?" he complained, already messing up his puzzle, throwing the pieces at his two older cousins.

"Correction. He always beats you in everything, Baek," Jongdae laughed from his seat, earning another hair-raising wail from the younger.

"Why does he have to be so damn good in everything?"

"Words, Baek."

Jongin could only shrug at them and lean on the backrest.

"Hey, has anyone seen Suho?" Xiumin asked them, shooting an eyebrow up his forehead. "I didn't have the chance to talk to him at the cemetery yesterday because I'd been so busy arranging the flowers."

Jongdae shrugged. "Maybe he had another Math Club meeting? Hey, Jongin, Suho told us the other day that you were already with him in the club."

"What? You are in the Math Club now?" Baekhyun piped, looking up from his lying position on the carpeted floor, mouth gaping like a fish would.

Jongin only nodded shyly, Baekhyun wailing loudly after.

"But you're still a Freshman! Why that fast?" Baekhyun complained, hands flying in the air, Jongdae getting down and consoling him.

"I thought you were just tutoring Kyungsoo for fun. But you joined the club, too," Jongdae said.

Jongin internally shook his head at his cousins. They'd gotten it wrong. He'd joined the club so he could have the chance to tutor Kyungsoo as soon as he'd known that his hyung hadn't wanted to join their group study. He'd promised himself that he'd teach his hyung upon knowing that when you joined the Math Club, you could have permission or something like that to tutor someone. So he had, and even had volunteered himself to Mrs. Kang as soon as she'd started to choose one of them to tutor her Junior student who was coincidentally Kyungsoo.

"Yes," was all he answered.

Xiumin gave him a nod. "So how was tutoring him?"

Jongin could see Baekhyun and Jongdae perk, listening to them intently. He smiled to himself and glanced at Xiumin, cocking an eyebrow up.

"Quite good. He's getting better now. Actually, we'll see each other again tomorrow for another... session," he replied, trying his best not to think of Kyungsoo's plump lips and the way how he would move them when he spoke and them whenever they got dry.

"Wow. That's great. I'm looking forward to that," Xiumin said, smiling at him.

"Yeah. Me, too, hyung. Me, too," he beamed at Xiumin who was unaware of his nasty thoughts just by thinking of his favorite cousin.

Because he knew. Oh, Jongin knew.

That tomorrow's meeting with Kyungsoo wouldn't just be a tutoring session.

It would be more than that.

And he was going to make sure of it.

--

Five minutes early, he sat on the bench. He was already at the park waiting for Kyungsoo. To kill time, he grabbed his small notebook to write things while he waited. The afternoon weather was fine, the sun only peeked from the white clouds that looked like a herd of sheep, the birds whistling a happy song of hope, the students' mild chattering slightly calmed him. It was a beautiful afternoon indeed.

He was on a new page when he felt someone plop beside him on the seat heaving deep breaths. Looking up from his notebook, he saw Kyungsoo leaning back on the bench and staring up at the bright blue sky. He took this moment to watch his hyung's side profile and marvel at how sharp his jaw was. He wondered if it could cut his fingers if they ever touched it again and wandered on it.

"—zoning out."

Perking, Jongin gazed at the elder. "Pardon?"

"I said you were zoning out. What's on your mind?" Kyungsoo asked, arching an eyebrow.

"You," Jongin beamed, sending a flirtatious wink Kyungsoo's way.

The elder just sighed. "Fine."

"What about you, hyung? What's on your mind?"

Kyungsoo tensed up, darting his eyes up above, tapping his foot on the paved floor.

"Seulgi."

Jongin frowned a bit, sad that Kyungsoo didn't think of him, but even sadder that his hyung was thinking about the little girl who wasn't there with them anymore. He rummaged his mind of things to do so that Kyungsoo could forget about her and just be happy again, just for this moment. And when he thought of one, he put his things back on his bag, stood on his feet, and glanced at the elder, a smile so wide on his face.

"How about we skip school, hyung?" he told Kyungsoo.

The elder gawked at him, whipping his head to the sides to see if anybody was listening.

"Are you serious? The gates aren't even opened yet! How are we gonna get past them without getting caught?"

"Who said anything about going past the gates?"

"Don't tell me we're gonna jump over the walls..."

"We are."

Kyungsoo's jaw dropped.

"Are you really the Kim Jongin who is all goody-goody?" the elder couldn't believe what he was hearing and seeing.

Even Jongin himself didn't know if he was still himself. Being around Kyungsoo just got him so crazy and all that.

"I still am," the younger replied with a wink, grabbing Kyungsoo's hand and pulling him.

They ran from the park to the back of some building without being noticed. Jongin climbed up the wall using a neglected chair he'd found, jumping on the earth after he got to the top. Kyungsoo followed him, clutching the straps of his bag hard, jumping safely on the other side just near Jongin.

"You great?" the younger asked. Kyungsoo just nodded. "Okay. Just follow me. We'll be going to one of the places where I like to study."

Then he started running, the elder following him, to the direction of the place he was talking about. It was not that far from school, but it was quite far, considering you had to pass trees to get there.

--

It was a forest the younger was talking about. And when they arrived there, Kyungsoo noticed that there was also a watercourse there; a river to be exact. He took in the moment to roam his eyes around the forest, to the tall trees standing proudly, to the relaxing sound of the bubbling water underneath the falls, to the warm earth radiating calmness from underneath him. The birds here flying above them and twittering were the only animals in view. He was glad that the younger had brought him here.

"Now I get why you like to study here," he said, sitting on a nearby lying log, glancing at Jongin who was across him sitting on a patch of grass. "It's quiet here."

Jongin smiled at him and motioned for him to get closer. Standing up, Kyungsoo made his way to the anticipating younger and stopped just right in front of him.

"Yeah?" he questioned.

"Let's swim?" Jongin suggested, glancing up at him with his sweet, stupid grin.

"Are you sure about this? I didn't even bring any clothes."

"Who said anything about wearing clothes?"

Kyungsoo just gasped at him.

"You don't say that."

"I do, hyung. Now strip."

He playfully smacked his cousin, chuckling. The younger just laughed, crinkles forming on his cheeks.

"You sound like a ing strip club costumer," Kyungsoo said, still laughing his off.

"Only for you, babe," the younger snickered, already standing and pulling Kyungsoo with him towards the flowing water.

The elder couldn't pull himself back for Jongin was so strong that he was already dragged. And before he even knew it, they were already in the water, lower body wet until their hips, and the younger was tugging at Kyungsoo's sweater.

He stopped Jongin just in time. He didn't want the younger to see his scars; the lines on his wrists that told stories of his everyday life. He didn't want to reveal himself just yet to Jongin.

"No. Stop this, Jongin," he sternly said at the younger, gripping Jongin's hand off his sleeves. "I don't wanna strip."

"But I wanna see you, hyung," the younger whined, continuing to push Kyungsoo's sweater's sleeves further.

Kyungsoo gasped as he realized Jongin was now staring at the marks. His tears now started falling from his eyes to his cheeks, to the water.

"I— I c-cut myself, Jongin," he found himself muttering low, head bending down as he sobbed. There was no escaping of this now. His secret had finally been revealed. What he couldn't reveal was that the one who was in front of him now, was the reason he had done it.

He closed his eyes shut, bit his lip, and waited for the judgement.

"I understand, hyung," he heard Jongin suddenly say. "You're still beautiful no matter what."

And he felt his arms suddenly being lifted up. And without a warning, Jongin kissed the scars on his wrist. His body shivered at the sight of the younger peppering his wrists with kisses. Jongin then lifted the hems of the elder's sweater and took it off him, feeling his breath hitch at the elder's rock-hard looking abs, mentally taking a picture of it so he could replay it every night before he went to sleep.

"You're... breathtaking," he heaved, eyeing his hyung's bare body like it was a supernova. "I didn't know you had these..."

And as Kyungsoo was about to retort, as always, Jongin cut him with a kiss. The elder's arms automatically flew up to place them around the taller younger's neck, Jongin's hands on his waist and pulling him closer. Their lips moved against each other, each wanting to overpower the other.

And as the birds sang songs of the coming twilight, the trees swayed with the calming wind, the rivers rushing slowly, and time coming to a halt as they kissed, Kyungsoo thought that maybe, this time, fate was in favor of whatever this was; whatever they were having.

He didn't know what they were.
They were cousins, yes, but they acted different and he didn't know what to call that.

But right now, having Jongin's lips on his, the younger's hand trailing circles on his back as if marking him, and feeling safe within his arms, he didn't care what they were anymore.

This was all Kyungsoo knew.

And he didn't need to know other things.

---

your glue or your tape