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The more I touched you

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The continuous beeping of the monitor at the side of the hospital bed where his little sister lay unconscious was the only thing that Kyungsoo could hear and cling to for emotional support. He'd been there since last night, beaten and weary of everything that had happened to his family. In his school, he was the same dumb and naive Do Kyungsoo who gave no care to the world in the eyes of his teachers and his classmates. But here beside Seulgi, he didn't need to wear that mask of toughness anymore. The moment he'd entered her room, it had stripped off him. Here, he was the scared boy.

He kicked the empty can of iced coffee to the white wall on his right, the cold wind blowing the draperies by the windows was mocking him as it blew on his face, too.

Why must the world his life up?

Why must his family experience this kind of problem?

Wasn't fate already glad that he wasn't born perfect?

Perfect like Jongin.

That name just had to cross his mind again... and again.

Said boy just didn't know how to distance himself away from Kyungsoo so he wouldn't have to think of him all over again.

Kyungsoo couldn't help but think of the times he and the boy had been together, the younger always teasing him relentlessly and him always having to be awkward and stupid.

See? He was thinking of the boy again. And he didn't know why.

He puffed a small breath and ran a hand over his cold arm, touching the bumps of his cuts on his wrist. He thought of the last time he had cut.

Painful was an understatement.

It was gruesome – the spine-chilling sound of the cutting that had him breathless and dizzy for a moment, the blood that had seeped out of the tiny lines the blade had left on his pale and thin wrists... and just everything.

Cutting was his escape of the reality; the reality that his father was not with them anymore; that his little sister was dying; and his mother, oh, his poor mother, who might be ing herself just for them to have money to pay the hospital bills and for his school fees.

He didn't know what to do and how to help so he cut to rid of the doubts and fears inside his heart and mind.

The loud slamming of the door woke his senses as he was brought to reality. His mother was at the door, carrying a plastic bag in her right hand which he guessed was food. The forced smile she wore on her face and her slightly messy hair were enough for him to feel pity and shame already. She was from her work, he could only guess.

"Hey, Kyungie. How was your sister doing?" his mother croaked, still forcing her stupid smile.

He shifted in his seat awkwardly and glanced at her.

Should he tell her?

Should he tell what the doctor had told him of his sister's current condition?

He thought about what his fatigued mother might react and thought better not to tell her, knowing that she might make a fuss and probably would never stop crying and blaming herself for being such a bad parent.

"She's f-fine," he said. She was not. "The doctor says she just needs a long... rest. To recover." She didn't have to.

For his sister Seulgi was already dying. She only had a few days left till her lungs and heart already give up. She had an extreme stage of Cystic Fibrosis that couldn't be cured anymore. The disease was slowly eating all her organs till they shut down and affect her immune system after, completely shutting her small and fragile body down to a painful demise.

Dying.

That was what the doctor had told him at least.

And right now, he wanted to fling himself off a high cliff so he could die and never feel hurt or pain or misery again.

He loved his little sister. He couldn't afford to see her die so soon; at such a young age. He couldn't afford to see his mother wrecked if that happened. He couldn't afford to see them hurting anymore so he just wanted to close his eyes and pray that this was all just a nightmare; a bad dream; one of life's jokes on him.

But this wasn't.

And he feared that.

--

He was currently leaning on the balustrade of the stairs not far from his sister's suite and sipping his already cold coffee, nurses and random people passing by. He took the time to scan the area and found himself cringing of the thought that how ironic this place was where lives would be given to and at the same time be taken away from humans.

He was staring at his shoes when a different pair of obviously expensive ones came to a stop just across his own tattered ones. Looking up, he set his tired yet surprised eyes on Jongin who was wearing his usual grin that always made his stomach felt jittering movements inside.

What was the boy doing here at such a late hour?

Hadn't he told him just earlier that he didn't want the boy talking to him?

So why was he here?

But something inside Kyungsoo was bubbling with excitement seeing that the younger was here.

As if to answer the brewing questions in his mind, the younger beamed, "My dad told me to come here. He... finally got the results of the tests that were done on him the other week."

"I... I didn't ask," he huffed at the younger which was completely a lie. He had asked. In his mind, though.

Jongin just chuckled, eyeing him up and down. "How about you, hyung? Why are you here?"

He hunched a bit, staring up at the taller boy. "You wouldn't wanna know."

"But I do."

"It's... complicated."

"I like complicated."

Kyungsoo couldn't help but grumble at his hard-headed cousin. "Fine. Follow me."

He trod along the squeaky clean white tiled floor of the hallway to go outside, the younger trailing behind. They entered another hall and went to a corner where the hospital's garden was located. As the fountain in the middle came into view, he walked towards it and took a seat on the flat edge. Jongin followed him and smiled again.

"So?" the younger said to him, already crossing his arms, ready to hear his reasons why he was here in the hospital.

Kyungsoo sighed and nodded his head. "Didn't my mom tell you or Kangri-imo?"

The young boy shook his head, fringe swaying to the sides.

"Well... Seulgi was brought here the other night for having chest pains and for passing out."

Jongin's eyes grew wide in shock. "What?! Is that true?"

"Why would I lie to you?"

"Why haven't you told me or the others then?"

"I thought my mom already had told you all, but then I figured that she hadn't for none of you were visiting my little sister."

"Oh, God. Poor Seulgi."

The younger's face was filled with worry... and pity, but Kyungsoo just pretended he didn't see it.

"Can you take me to her?" Jongin pleaded, eyes shimmering because of the tears that were already threatening to fall.

Kyungsoo found the sight quite heart-wrenching so he nodded at the junior and stood up.

"Actually, I have something else to tell you."

He thought about telling the younger of Seulgi's upcoming demise. He didn't want to, but something inside him was telling him that he could trust Jongin.

"Spare me that for later. I wanna see her first, hyung."

He found his head moving up and down at the younger and he led the way to his little sister's room where she was confined.

He just wished that Jongin wouldn't freak out of what he was about to tell him later.

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the more you broke