Jackson

All the way to the studio, Mark was silent unless someone asked him something. To be fair, he usually didn't say much, but it worried me. I worried that he was feeling bad again, and I worried that he would try and keep it in, so the others wouldn't worry about him. I understood why, but still, I didn't like the idea of him having all these thoughts and feeling like without talking to anyone. I hoped he would talk to me. I hoped he knew that he could talk to me.

I wanted him to talk about how he felt, what he was thinking, why the hell that happened yesterday, everything. I also wanted him to talk about what he wanted to eat for dinner, what kind of music he was into lately, and complain about our busy schedules. (I wanted him to talk about last night, about us holding hands, about him jumping on my back for a piggyback ride, about me taking off his sweater, and about us cuddling in his bed until we fell asleep.)

Mark

All the way to the studio, Jackson walked next to me quietly, which was unlike him. He laughed at the others being excited every now and then, and he would make his hilarious comments, but other than that he didn't really talk to me. It wasn't an awkward silence though, it was kind of like we had a mutual understanding that we wouldn't say anything just in case the others would hear. Like we simply existed next to each other in our own safe bubble, and the rest of the world didn't matter.

Even though we weren't physically touching, I imagined myself holding his hand tightly, only focussing on his presence and nothing else. I wished I could feel like that all the time, but the little voice at the back of my head kept telling me it wasn't going to last. That soon enough I would feel like again. That I didn't deserve someone like Jackson anyway. That I should look out for a car and try again.

We arrived at the studio, and I felt an invisible weight pressing down on my shoulders and tightening around my chest. I told myself I could do it, and then told myself I definitely couldn't. I told myself I didn't have a choice. We all got inside, put down our stuff in one corner of our practice room, and greeted our choreographer who then started to give us instructions.

Once we were in our positions, ready to start the practice, I realised I hadn't picked up anything from what the choreographer had said. . The first part went okay, since we had practiced it yesterday, but I ed the rest up immediately. I was forgiven since it was only the first try, and Jaebum and Jinyoung helped to explain it to me again. I couldn't take anything in, but I just nodded.

I kept ing it up again and again, big time. I kept apologising, but I knew it was no use. I knew that "I'll do better next time" was a lie. I just had no idea what to do. Nothing was coming through to me, I just couldn't focus, no matter how hard I tried. After I kept doing the wrong thing for I don't even know how many times, our choreographer seemed to have had enough of it, and took me aside to talk to me, telling the others to 'take five'.

"Mark, what is wrong with you today?" He said to me. His eyes were serious and it terrified me. "You usually pick up on new stuff like that,” he said, while snapping his fingers at the word 'that'. "I'm sorry" I replied. I didn't know what else to say. "You know I can't work like this, right?" he said, almost pleading. "Just please focus, okay? Enough fooling around." I wanted to tell him I wasn't fooling around. "Drink some water before we start again, maybe that'll clear your head." he said before walking away to talk to Yugyeom about something.

Jackson

I watched them talk at the other side of the room, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. Mark just looked really tired and like he was about to cry. I wished I had super hearing so I could overhear their conversation and then deny everything our choreographer had said to Mark, to make him feel better. To tell him he was good enough, even though I knew he wasn't doing great today.

Our choreographer walked away from Mark, and I quickly picked up my water bottle and found myself standing in front of Mark about three seconds later. He smiled at me weakly, probably trying not to show how much the scolding had affected him. "Everything okay?" I asked him. He just nodded. Liar. I didn't blame him though. I just wished he would at least be honest with me.

I gave him a tight hug, putting a hand on the back of his neck and lightly squeezing it. He didn't quite return the hug, but he placed his chin on my shoulder, and I felt him taking a deep breath. I hoped he would be okay. We broke apart and I handed him my water bottle. He thanked me and took a few gulps before our choreographer told us to get in positions again.

Mark

Even though he didn't really know what was going on, Jackson was probably the sweetest person alive. For some reason I was now able to focus on what the choreographer was saying, explaining it to me one more time, and I told myself I could do this. I told myself to keep Jackson in mind, the one who would give me strength. The one who looked really hot in his tank top, by the way.

Despite some small mistakes, I was able to do the choreography now, and I caught Jackson looking at me happily through the mirror when we finished going through it in one go. I smiled back at him. Jinyoung walked over to me and patted me on my back, reassuring me that I did well. I could do this. Just a few more hours, and I would be fine.

We had an hour break to get some food in our stomachs, and I decided to make use of this opportunity to sit somewhere by myself for a while, to just listen to some music and feel relaxed. Before I went out to look for a quiet spot, I grabbed a plate from the table in the cafeteria, and then walked over to where the other members were to put some food on my plate and get something to drink.

I was happy that today's menu was varied and delicious, probably because we had a long day ahead. Jinyoung even put some meat on my plate and some vegetables, telling me I had to eat well. I smiled and shook my head at his unnecessary worrying. Jackson saw and mockingly said "Yes hyung, you should eat well, stay healthyyy ~" and then started laughing like a crazy hyena when Jinyoung turned to him, raising his hand threateningly.

I laughed at them and suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked around and saw Jaebum, holding up a water bottle. "Yes, stay healthy~" he said while handing me the bottle with a serious face. He started laughing almost immediately after, his eyes practically disappearing. He took a few steps back, bracing himself for Jinyoung, who was probably going to hit him. Jinyoung tried to look pissed off, but couldn't contain his laughter either. "Aish, really..." he mumbled, shaking his head.

I decided not to go sit somewhere else, but just stay with the other members instead. Jackson had sat down already and motioned towards me to come and sit next to him. I walked over to him, and as soon as I was within reach, he grabbed my shirt and pulled me down next to him impatiently, almost making me drop my plate. I hated myself for blushing.