Mark

The sunshine was lazily pouring into the living room, tickling the back of my neck, as I was sat with my back to the window. The room smelled sweet, like pancakes and fruit, which was pretty obvious, but it still made me feel happier somehow. The pancakes were super delicious, and the strawberries gave them that extra sweet and fresh taste. The orange juice made me feel less guilty about eating pancakes with whipped cream for breakfast. I knew Jackson was behind all this, and even though it wasn’t just for me, I wanted to thank him personally, even if I had no idea how.

Jackson was sitting across from me, the sunlight making his face look even more beautiful, with a warm yellow glow over his skin. Whenever he would look up at me, he squinted his eyes a little because of the bright light, but he would still smile warmly at me. Every time he did that, I felt butterflies in my stomach, flying around wildly, wanting to burst out of my chest. He probably had no idea, but it was making me crazy. Somehow things had gotten way worse since yesterday.

I tried to avoid his gaze, not wanting to look like a strawberry myself, and looked around me. I actually loved this. I loved the fact that we were all eating breakfast together at the table, rather than just grabbing something from the kitchen and eating it quickly before heading to the studio. We had enough time though, so everyone was just eating calmly, enjoying this awesome breakfast. I loved the fact that everyone was smiling, and telling lame jokes and laughing at each other. 

“So what happened this morning then?” Jinyoung asked, looking over at Bambam and Yugyeom, who were sat next to each other. Bambam’s smile suddenly faded and Yugyeom started laughing like crazy. Bambam looked up at Jinyoung, giving him a why-would-you-even-say-that kind of look. Yugyeom regained his breath and said, “Did you know Bambam is actually afraid of-” “NO!” Bambam interrupted, slamming his hand on Yugyeom’s mouth. 

He looked like wanted to kill him. The hand was unnecessary though, as Yugyeom burst out laughing again, not able to say anything else. Jinyoung smiled and just shook his head “I swear, you guys…” he said, sounding like a parent who had given up on properly raising their annoying trouble-making twins. Youngjae just laughed at the whole scene, probably imagining something really weird. Jaebum pretended not to really care, but couldn’t help but smile a little.

Jackson was pretty quiet, which was unusual for him, but he was smiling, so I figured he was just tired. I suddenly worried if he hadn’t been able to sleep because of me, and I felt guilty about wanting to sleep like that again with him. Even though he had offered it, I felt like I should’ve refused, because he needed his sleep too, and I didn’t want to be the reason he couldn’t get enough rest. Our days were long and tiring enough, I shouldn’t have made it worse. 

Jackson

I couldn’t help but stare at Mark. He was just so ing gorgeous. The way the sunlight came in through the window behind him made him look like an angel. Actual holy . I was aware of the fact that our fans would sometimes call him an angel, as how could a mere human being be so damned perfect and beautiful? But right now, I actually considered for a moment that this was all a conspiracy and that Mark was indeed a being sent from the heavens. 

His hair still looked a bit messy as he had probably just woken up, but it somehow looked like it was on purpose. As if some hair stylist had been hiding in our closet like some secret ninja and had done his hair before he came out of the room. "Don’t make it too obvious, make it look like I just woke up”, “Say no more fam”; I imagined their conversation going. How did this ninja hair stylist know exactly what to do to make my heart flutter just at the sight of Mark? 

It just looked so cute and fluffy and I wanted to run my fingers through it while we were back on the bed, my other hand holding his and rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb, Mark looking up at me with his beautiful eyes and giving me that adorable smile of his. I felt my face becoming warmer, and I could tell it wasn’t because of the sun. A ing conspiracy.

After I quietly contemplated this newfound conspiracy theory of Mark being an actual angel and there being a secret ninja hair stylist in our closet, another thought suddenly occurred to me. Whether the conspiracy was true or not, one thing was certain. I liked Mark. I mean, I had always thought he was pretty cute, but it was just in a friendly way. In a I-would-totally-bang-but-we’re-just-friends way. But now, I realized I was actually falling for him. 

I looked up at him again, and realized he wasn’t smiling anymore. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, but didn’t ask what was wrong. I didn’t want to make a scene in front of the others. We were going to have a very long day at the studio today. Yesterday the manager had let us go home earlier and come in today a bit later so we could rest up, but today we really had to get back to work. I promised myself I would keep an eye on Mark. 

After we all finished eating, we decided to head to the studio together. Since the weather was nice today, we all went by foot. Jaebum walked at the front, together with Youngjae, who was probably telling some lame joke, judging by the way Jaebum laughed and then pushed Youngjae, almost making him lose his balance. Behind them were Bambam, Yugyeom and Jinyoung, who was trying to keep the other two from injuring themselves or each other. Those two were really hyper, Jesus Christ. 

Me and Mark walked together in silence, a bit more behind from everyone else. I wanted to hold his hand, but considered that the others would be annoying about it if they saw, and we all had a long day together, so I didn’t. I looked up at Mark, who was looking at the pavement, his head dipped down a bit. Not smiling. I reached out my hand and brushed his hand lightly. “You okay?” I asked carefully. 

Mark

The touch of his hand against mine startled me for a second, but I quickly pulled myself together and replied “Yeah, fine” while giving him a smile. He didn’t look too convinced, but didn’t push further, which I appreciated. I did not look forward to today. Even though the day had started out amazingly, like actually the best day of my life, waking up next to him and eating pancakes for breakfast with everyone, it was only going to get worse from now on. 

Yesterday during practice I had felt like I was about to collapse. Not because it was too difficult, or because I was exhausted, but because I had felt like I was suffocating. I wasn’t too sure why I had felt that way, but I was dreading that it would happen again. I was afraid I would feel suffocated again, I was afraid I would relive what had happened after practice yesterday, I was afraid that today I wouldn’t be able to keep it in until after practice. 

I was afraid that I couldn’t keep it from the others anymore, and that I would be a disappointment to them. And to the fans, my parents, and everyone else who relied on me or had expectations from me. Even just thinking about it made my heart beat faster with anxiety. I took a deep breath and tried to shake off this feeling. We weren’t there yet. Maybe I would be able to keep it all in. Just until after practice. I would do my ing best and make it work.