Mark

We walked to the apartment together, holding hands. I wondered if this was a thing now. I hoped it was. I looked over at Jackson and it looked like he was thinking deeply about something. Not wanting to disturb him, I kept quiet. I felt a lot better now, but I felt as if something at the pit of my stomach was waiting to claw itself out of there and make me feel like again. I tried not to think about it too much.

It was a lot sunnier than yesterday, and everything looked quite beautiful. Except it didn't really. It was more colourful and bright, sure, but nothing more. Everything was still the same as it had always been, just there, lifeless and boring. It was exactly how I felt too, just worthless and ty. The only thing about me that didn't feel completely worthless was my right hand, which was the one holding onto Jackson.

I suddenly felt tears streaming down my cheeks again, and I almost tripped because I couldn't see properly. Luckily, Jackson caught me and then ruffled my hair with his free hand. "We're almost home," he said, and something in his voice told me he was sad. I felt guilty; the last thing I wanted was to drag him along in my misery. He squeezed my hand lightly and we continued walking towards the apartment.

Jackson

He was not okay, and I had no idea what to do. I wanted to somehow make everything better, but I knew that this was something I couldn't simply fix for him, I could only be there to support him in the best way I could possibly think of, but he needed to go through this himself, maybe with some help, but in the end he was the only one who could make this better.

When we finally got to the apartment, I walked him to our room and sat him down on his bed. Then I decided to make him some tea. Before leaving the room I quickly gave him a hug and an empathetic smile. He gave me a small smile back while wiping away his tears with the back of his hand and making a little sniffling sound. I hoped a hot cup of tea with honey would at least help a little.

Mark

While Jackson was gone, I didn't know what to do with myself. Those feelings I had before seemed to be coming back, and that terrifying something at the pit of my stomach was aching to come out. I tried my best not to start sobbing uncontrollably again, but hot tears were streaming before I could even make an effort to hold them back. , breathing is hard.

Why am I so ing useless and disappointing? Why can I never just do anything right? Why do I like boys instead of girls, why can't I just be normal like everyone else? And who the thought it was a good idea for me to move to Korea, only to become the tiest idol in goddamn history? I just sit there in silence and don't say anything, just being boring and rude. I don't understand why people even look up to me; I'm literally the worst person.

Suddenly the door opened and Jackson walked in, holding a tray in his hands with what looked like two cups of tea. He stopped in his tracks right when he came in and saw me crying on the floor. "Oh, " I heard him say under his breath. He quickly put down the tea on the bedside table and practically threw himself on the floor next to me.

"Another panic attack?" He asked me quietly, putting both his hands gently on my shoulders and looking at me with concerned eyes. I hadn't realised I was having one, but yes, I guess that's what it's called. I nodded. I felt like I was dying. His strong arms wrapped tightly around me and I put my full weight against him. I wished he would never leave me ever again.

Jackson

Mark was crying, shaking, falling apart. I wished I could somehow help him. But there was nothing else that I could do besides just being there. I wanted to punch myself for being so useless. Mark took a couple deep breaths to steady himself, and then said "P-please d-don't leave m-me" in between sobs with a shaky voice. "J-just stay w-with m-me, okay? D-dont leave," he managed to add.

"Never" I replied almost too quickly. "I'll stay with you as much as you want Markipooh" I added, in an attempt to somehow soothe him. He didn't say anything else, but sat up and searched for my hand. He found what he was looking for and gently took my hand in both of his. He held it up to his chest and then leaned back against me. A small butterfly made its way up my chest and settled on my heart.

After a couple of minutes, I suddenly remembered the tea I had made us. I quietly let go of Mark, and explained "Come on, your tea is getting cold" when he gave me a confused look. He slowly nodded and let me help him up. I sat him down on his bed again and briefly wondered why he had been on the floor. I then handed him his cup of tea and sat down next to him.

He sipped his tea carefully, and then slowly started taking bigger gulps. I rubbed my hand up and down his back to help him calm down. It seemed to work a bit; despite the fact that he was still crying, he wasn't shaking as much now and seemed to be able to breathe more or less steadily. My own tea was getting cold but I couldn't care less.

By the time he finished drinking his tea he had calmed down but he still seemed upset. I shifted my position and sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him against me. He didn't protest and let himself lean back. "Jackson?" He asked carefully. "Hmm?" I replied. "I uhm- I don't trust myself" He said, sounding as if he had been thinking it for a long time. I was slightly confused. "What do you mean?" I asked him.

"It's just- I don't trust myself to be alone anymore..." he almost whispered. I took a few seconds to think about it. "Do you think you would hurt yourself?" I asked him, trying not to sound extremely blunt. He didn't say anything, but dipped his head a little, so I took it as a yes. , he must've felt terrible. "I'm sorry," I said, regretting to have asked such a question, but simultaneously knowing that I needed to know the answer. "It's okay" he replied softly.

"It's really not," I said, resting my chin on his shoulder. "I'll just always be with you, okay? We'll make tea together from now on," I said, trying to cheer him up a bit. I felt him smile lightly, and the tension in his shoulders became less. "Okay" he simply said. I couldn't help but feel happy at the fact that I was now going to spend every moment with him, and it was hard to hide the fact that I had secretly wanted to do that anyways.

Mark

It was hard to describe what I was feeling. It was a combination of relief, because he would look after me, and stress because now he would be spending all his time with me and he made me slightly nervous. And that sort of exciting feeling that made you kind of nauseous. I mentally slapped myself in the face because I was so terribly in love with him.