It's a given that I'll experience firsts after getting into a relationship for the first time. What I'm most embarrassed about is this: kissing.

No, not that kind of innocent peck on the cheeks or on the lips. I mean, you know, kissing.

Sure, I kissed him on the cheek one time. Maybe we had our first kiss on the lips already, but the different kind of kissing? Yeah, sure. If I know anything about it.

I wonder how people learn kissing. Do they do with experience or it's more of a feeling thing? Junhoe wouldn't know how to kiss like that, right?

It's a tiring day after school. Junhoe's accompanying me home even though I insist he doesn't need to. He says it's already late and he's be more comfortable if he accompanies me instead.

See, this is the part I can't get used to. Throughout my single life, I never needed someone to accompany me home, even if it's already late out. It takes some time to get used to so I'm managing.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Junhoe's a great company and he makes a ten-minute walk feel like two.

Our footsteps stop as we arrive in front of the apartment complex.

"Good night," he greets, pocketing his hands inside his jacket pockets.

"Good night."

Our parting feels incomplete without me doing something, so I stand on my toes to reach his height and lean in, planting my lips over his for a brief second. After our first kiss, I get more confident to do it and this time is no exception. There's nothing wrong with it, right? It's short and sweet, just the way I like it.

The 'thank you' is at the edge of my tongue when he chases my lips, his hand resting on my cheek to pull me back to him. He already has his eyes closed and as a response, I do the same. I thought it's only an innocent peck but he doesn't move away. In fact, his lips part and slide them down to nibble my lower lip. Goosebumps prick my skin, enough to jolt my whole body awake. This is... Startled, I pull away.

"I – I – I'm sorry. I got to go. Good night."

Turning around without even waiting to see if he understands, I walk inside, developing a new-found urge to hit my head on a wall. Junhoe must think I'm weird. Who walks out like that?

I was afraid, okay? I was afraid he'd discover I'm inexperienced and he'd be disappointed in the end. Plus, it came out of nowhere. Somewhere at the back of my mind I know it's bound to happen, just not now. It's not like he'd be upfront about it and say, 'Hey, I want to make out. Is that okay with you?' Do people do that? I mean, I don't know. Cut me some slack. This is so stressful...

"Have you eaten anything yet?" I hear my mom ask as I remove my sneakers by the door. I mumble something in response I can't remember, still dazed, and head straight to my room.

Leaning on the closed door behind me, my fingers carress my lips, touches light, as if desperate to recreate the sensation Junhoe gave me. Even in my memory, it's still bringing the tingles. The traces of scent he leaves on my clothes, the gentle touch of his rough hand on my cheek, his lips on mine... It's crazy. It's like he's still here. 

The bed becomes my sanctuary as I plop on top of it, arms spread wide, as my gaze floods with the whiteness of my ceiling. The blank canvas becomes a wall for a rerun my mind's playing, the replay of Junhoe's lips nibbling mine. His movements are restrained but as if afraid to scare me off, he holds back. I wonder how he looks like when he does that without my eyes closed. Would my heart explode more if I do?

Five. That's how much we already kissed. They're innocent, reminiscent of puppy love between high school couples. Maybe that's why Junhoe holds back until now. He thinks I can't handle the 'upgrade' yet. Me, being a foolish one, proves that now.

I'm inexperienced but at the same time, I don't want him to know. I want to look like a woman before him. Is that so bad?

Retrieving my phone off my bag, I unlock it to go to Naver, desperate to find a solution to fix my problem. 

How to make ou

I erase it quickly. Even though no one's around to see me, this is too racy. I can't... I can't do this. Oh my gosh, so embarrassing...

Wait. What if Junhoe does it again and I don't know how to do it back? That'd be more embarrassing. Imagine dating a girl who doesn't know how to kiss. He'll be turned off!

Mustering up the courage, I search again, this time for video tutorials. The first video's thumbnail looks harmless. The title, 'How to Kiss Like A Pro' are written in curly white letters slapped in a hot pink background. That's alright, I guess? I mean, there's no harm learning something new, right?

I'm a grown woman.

I'm a grown woman.

I'm a grown woman.

I can handle this.

I press play on the video and shut my eyes tight, aware that if I do otherwise, I'll hesitate to watch it, then Junhoe will break up with me because he realizes he can't be with someone who's too inexperienced. Then I become a cat lady in my 60's with zero knowledge about making out. That chills me. I'll probably be a forever.

The video starts with a cheery prelude of the channel's introduction, then a woman's voice-over introducing the tutorial. Afraid I'll be caught doing questionable things by my mom, I tone the volume down until I can only catch glimpses of the voices.

Two people appear on the screen smiling. The guy has bangs covering half of his forehead, showing his cute monolid eyes. The girl's cute too but gives a sultry vibe at the same time. She has milky skin (I'm quite jealous), a slim figure even though the screen only exposes their upper bodies, and a couple of inches shorter than the guy. They're probably around my age. Everyone looks good-looking around my age.

Are they a couple? Are they hired to do this? What if they are? Imagine they have to kiss on the first meeting. That's awkward.

Wait. That's normal. People do that in clubs all the time. I mean, I haven't been in a club yet but the movies portray they do.

With the voice-over's prompting, they face each other with the man initiating it, pulling his partner close by her back.

"Try to develop the habit of using lip balm to moisten your lips. Not only will it keep your lips from cracking, but it heightens the senses of your partner as you kiss each other..."

Goodness. This is so embarrassing.

The man tilts his head sideways, the woman doing the same on the other side, as he approaches closer.

"Tilt your head if you don't want your noses to be bumping each other. Your oral hygiene is also important! You don't want your partner to be turned off with bad breath, do you?"

Got it. Note to self: buy mints. Lots and lots of mints.

The guy nibbles her upper lip then pulls away, goes for her lower lip the second time around. His hand goes towards her cheek while she holds his arm. And then he trails his hand down to her arm... okay... there's too much hand movements around here.

I catch the guy's tongue sliding in . Oh my... The girl's lids flutter when he does, her hands massaging the back of his head, totally ruining his hair. Why is this sensual all of a sudden?

This is not professional. I swear, these two are a couple. It totally registers on the screen.

When the kiss gets too heated, I close the tab. That's it. I'm not watching this. This is too racy! I feel like a peeping tom on a moment that should've been private. I throw the phone somewhere on the bed, grunting.

And... I feel way worse when I started watching it. Just how do people learn to kiss?

I'm so going to be a cat lady.

🌺🌸🌺

Junhoe and I have to do a literature report in our academic writing class and decide to do it at their house. I'm scared, to be honest. What if I meet his parents? It's not like I don't want to, it's just it's still not the right time.

He reassured me they're out working during the day so the house's empty. When I casually ask him what they do, he says they're working for his grandmother, a family business sort of thing. The same grandmother who urged him to take up Business Administration. Like his father, she hopes he'll take over their food manufacturing business. Junhoe downplays it like it's nothing but even in narration, the business sounds big already. 

Junhoe's too secretive about where he comes from but it shows in their way of living. They live in Hannam-dong, at a neighborhood with instagram-worthy houses. Their house is like fresh off a lifestyle magazine. I mean, the living room is just majestic. The high ceiling, the decors, expensive-looking furniture... it's like they hired an interior designer. I wouldn't doubt that.

Don't forget that he uses a debit card, something that his grandmother secretly gave him. He says his mother teaches him budgeting by giving him allowance per week but it gets spent right away so the card becomes a safety net. His questionable purchases? Food. He loves dining out, like almost everyday.

I'm more of a practical one so when Junhoe brings out his card to pay when we go on dates, I beat him to it. I don't like the idea of him always spending for us. Plus, he's way too reliant on his card. I'm urging him to only spend his allowance per week. We have to get a middle ground, you know? I don't have a debit card, I have a reasonable allowance, and I'm taught that if I 'want' something, it's probably not worth spending much. Imagine my shock over his outrageous expenses. He so has a lot to learn.

We're on the dining area, laptops open, busy formulating our paper. Although in Junhoe's case, he's stifling laughter from time to time. I'm sitting at the head of the table and he's on the side so I can't see what he's up to. I stop writing to crane my neck towards his laptop, catching him watching funny videos unrelated to our paper. On mute!

I send him the stink eye. "Junhoe!"

Panic seeps in his features as he exits the browser to open his word document, to what he's supposed to be doing. He only has a paragraph in. Actually, more like three short sentences.

"I began the intro. See? It already looks long."

"So that sounds an achievement already?" I face my laptop screen to him. "I already finished two pages, just so you know."

"We need a break." Junhoe closes his laptop and stands up to stretch his arms. "Come on. My brain's hungry with all the thinking."

"Thinking? You only had three sentences to begin with—"

He holds out his index finger in front of me. The nerve of this guy. "Don't argue with a hungry man. Let's order take out. I'm craving for black noodles... You want that?"

At the mention of black noodles, I feel myself gulping without realizing. I do want that. Sighing, I give up. "Fine."

Minutes later, various take-out boxes are laid out in the table like we're having a feast for five people. It's Junhoe's two stomachs speaking. Well, more like four? Including me. What? I'm hungry too.

I thought the kiss incident is over and done with. Junhoe doesn't point out I acted weird when he tried kissing me last night. In fact, it's like nothing happened at all. I was proven wrong. He brings it up at the most unexpected time ever, right in the middle of me enjoying my noodles.

"Chaeyoung." Junhoe places his bowl down and sends me a serious look, one that speaks multitudes. Sensing he wants my full attention, I put down my bowl, nervous gaze glazing over his own.

He rubs his nape. "Listen, about the kiss..."

Oh.

"Sorry. Should've asked your permission first."

"Junhoe..."

"You were offended, I know."

I purse my lips. Was I offended? Not in the least. Did I like it? Yes, with every fibre of my being. Should I tell him the truth? I mean, I don't want him to misunderstand. At the same time, I don't want to admit my inexperience either.

It's not like it's a big secret. Surely he knows I'm not exposed to those things. Why am I stressing over this? It's just a kiss! I should worry about important things, like Junhoe slacking off with this partner assignment.

Like a light bulb going off in my head, I think of something else, something I wouldn't think of in a million years. I'm so going to regret this.

"Tchmehetkiss..."

"Huh?"

My throat feels dry. Swirling my chopsticks around the bowl, I clear my throat. "Teach me how to kiss..."

There's silence on his end. I wait for him to say something else but it would've been better to describe that I'm like talking to a wall.

"And I don't mean a kiss. I mean, kiss kiss. You know, with the..." I gulp. "...the tongue and such..."

The silence shatters, Junhoe's laugh piercing in the air. It's a type of laugh that sounds like I told the greatest joke ever. Something uncomfortable creeps under my skin, like I want to rot in a hole forever and stay there until I die.

Junhoe realizes I mean those words when it's me staying silent this time. His laughter fades away. "You're serious?"

I sneak in a timid nod. Ugh. Can I just disappear?

In my peripheral, he's moving around his chair restlessly. "Uhm, now?"

"You know what, forget it. Can we go back to our paper and—"

Junhoe stands up in a hurry, disregarding my response. It's like no matter what I say, it'll not get through his head. He resorts to a string of words that comes close to a mumble. If I didn't listen closely, I would've missed it.

"Give me a minute. Need to uhm... freshen up."

Junhoe's already walking away before I can protest. He enters a door along the hallway beside the living room to what I guess is his own room.

Wait. Freshen up?

Oh gosh. Mints! Do I have mints? Hurrying over my original seat where my laptop's at, I search for some mints on my bag.

This is getting way too real.

The video told me to bring mints! Why did I forget to buy mints? Oh wait. I do have one. It's at the bottom of the bag. Junhoe likes minty candies and sometimes gives me during lectures, says that it'll help keep me awake. This is a lifesaver!

The package unravels, running my thumbs over the ends to nudge it open. I pop them in my mouth, swirling my tongue around so it'll melt quickly. The mint mixes with saliva, the cool sensation burning the crevices of my mouth. It makes me wince a little but I have to get rid of the savoury sauce of the black noodles. I hope this'll work.

The door where Junhoe entered creaks open. I direct my sight towards it just in time to see him closing it. The front collar of his black shirt's darker than the last I've seen it seconds ago. It looks like it's wet.

"What's up?

What's up? Of all the things I can say, that's the best thing I can think of?

A half-smile filters through his mouth, one that looks awkward. He approaches me, his steps hesitant. "I'm ready."

The smell of something minty lingers in the air when he comes close. Is that... is that mouthwash?

Junhoe looks at their sectional sofas with the puffed up blue pillows. "Do you want to do it on the couch?"

Unable to say anything at this point, I nod like an obedient girl. He leads the way and sits. I can almost see the question mark on his face when I stand there, frozen, staring at the space beside him. Is this really happening?

"Chaeyoung?"

I snap out of it. "Right right. Sorry."

When I settle on the couch, Junhoe takes a deep breath, his eyes serious with concern. It's the first time in a while I've seen him like this. "You ready?"

A shake of a head becomes my reply.

He chuckles. "It's okay."

"Uhm..." I my lips and I don't miss his eyes focusing on it. "So how are we going to do this?"

"It's more of what the both of us wants. Do you like tongue more, or teeth, or none of that?"

The stare I give him is hopefully something that gives my point across. "You're acting like this is all normal."

"Isn't this normal?"

"No."

"I'm serious. What do you want?"

"I'm not an expert in this, Junhoe. Nothing what you said made sense."

He shrugs. "We'll find out then."

Junhoe scoots closer, his knees bumping against my thigh. Gripping the end of the couch for leverage, I back away, a move that surprises him. "W – W – What are you doing?"

"Let's do a test run, just so I know how much you know."

Seriously. Junhoe may look like he's serious but I know, he's restraining himself from smirking.

"Can I kiss you?"

Oh my. Okay. Okay. I can handle this. Whew. I watched a video about this. Oh gosh... This is really happening.

Nodding, Junhoe proceeds to cradle my cheek with a hand and inches closer. He closes his eyes and I wouldn't have done the same thing if I didn't tell myself to do it. The moment our lips touch, the same tingly feeling runs inside of me. It feels like being electrified.

Junhoe goes to nibble my lower lip. Oh my gosh. Here he goes again. What do I do? What do I do?

Before my mind overloads, it goes on auto-pilot mode and I guess its programmed to bite his lip. Hard.

He yelps in pain, runs his fingers over his lower lip, massaging it. "Chaeyoung!"

"Oh gosh. Sorry. I'm Sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't know what to do so I was taken aback and kinda blanked out so I just – Oh gosh. Are you... are you alright?"

Junhoe, who's in the least bit perturbed that I'm panicking, shrugs, letting a smirk grace his reddening lip. "I dunno. It's kinda hot though. Kinda to be honest."

Is he serious?

"Stop kidding around, Junhoe."

"What makes you think I'm kidding?"

Tucking my hair behind one ear, my fingers play around with the end of my white blouse, finding it the most interesting at the moment.

Okay. Calm down. Deep breaths. Deep breaths...

Junhoe should stop killing me like this. This is so not good for my health.

"So uhm... how are we, how are we doing this?"

I kind of want to leave and curl in my bed until Junhoe breaks up with me. That way, he'll forget this ever happened. Wait. That's cruel. I don't want that. Can I just hide forever?

"Why don't you try it first?"

"I don't know how..."

"Just try to copy me. Then we'll see where that'll go. Relax too. You make it seem like I'm forcing myself on you."

"Okay..." Placing my hands down on his shoulders, I take one breath and look at him for reassurance. "Is this alright?"

He nods, looking a lot like he's having a hard time not to smile. He holds my forearms and grazes my skin with his thumbs. Remembering what I'm meant to do, I lean in, closing my eyes, and hesitantly nibble his lower lip. He's smiling when I do, only this time, I can feel it.

The video comes to mind, of what the guy did before they made out so I try to recreate it with my own (sloppy) skills. Nibble, lean away, nibble again, catch the upper one. The silence fills with the sound of lips slapping against lips and because I'm too aware of everything, it makes me feel a little shy.

When I lean away for the third time, I cast a worried glance at him. "Am I doing this right?"

Junhoe opens his eyes in a daze. As if realizing I'm talking to him, he blinks. "You're... you're doing great."

"What should I do next?"

"Kiss me like that again and see what happens next."

"What if I make a mistake? Or – or do something you wouldn't want me to do? I don't know the rules to this."

"Chaeyoung, kissing isn't something you study like books. It just sort of happens. Just, get lost into it. I'm not judging if you make mistakes." Junhoe taps my forearm. "Come on, you're doing great." 

Hearing him say those words calms my nerves a bit.

"Oh. Bite me again. That's a killer move."

I would've laughed at it if I'm not full of jitters now. Instead, I take it into heart and proceed to do what he wants. I make sure to control the pressure so it won't hurt much anymore.

Pulling away, I ask, "Like this?"

He chuckles, all the while nodding. "Like this."

Junhoe goes forward, slants his head to one side, and we both close our eyes. He squeezes my upper lip between his lips in a repeated motion. His next action catches me off-guard when after he clamps it, he pulls gently, something simple but enough to send chills running hot on my arms.

Without saying anything, Junhoe lifts me up to sit on his lap. The squeak coming from me becomes muffled as he catches my lips once again. Recovering fast, my arms wrap around his neck, our chests pressing against one another with the movement. He does a little growl when I did that. I'm surprised but I'm not mad.  It sounds too y for me to get mad.

Junhoe traces my figure by running his hands down until they arrive around my waist. Is it possible for my heart to beat this fast? As my lips part more, he takes the chance and slides his tongue inside, darting towards the back of my tongue to lift it a little, more of teasing rather than testing the waters.

An involuntary shiver runs on my spine, enough to make me emit a short gasp. Why did that feel good?

Junhoe smells like mint and tastes like one. I realize that now as I copy his movements. He nudges the candy I forgot in my mouth, until he snatches it away from me. He's smirking against my lips, victorious in a small feat.

Junhoe continues to prove his adept knowledge of using his mouth into good use. I'm starting to feel lighthearted and maybe it's the reason why any sense of rationality leaves me behind. One hand of mine moves down, palm planting on his torso. The other becomes busy playing with his hair by the nape. He responds positively, uttering a sigh under his throat, its vibration felt against my lips.

My mind's spinning, too lost in the things he's doing to me. I'm going blank and for some reason, I don't want him to stop, ever.

Junhoe just has to make everything worse when he trails his fingertips from my nape down to my back, intentionally making the pressure light. It sends me on fire and I arch my back, melting against him, asking for more.

Not having any of his teasing games, I mutter his name in between kisses, hoping he'll stop torturing me, but instead, his movements grow more ferocious, as if he doesn't want to let go.

Everything feels on fire. The goosebumps are everywhere on my skin. Pleasure racks my whole body with chills, running until I can feel it down to the tips of my toes. Please don't stop, I want to say but I'm too caught up with his lips to speak.

I thought he will not surprise me anymore, but he does the complete opposite. Junhoe secures the tip of my tongue with his teeth and tugs it gently. It sends me waves of pleasure again, this time, stronger. I can't describe what it is exactly, but I do know it feels so good. Euphoric. Heavenly. I don't want to let go.

It's something else, so much that I moan without thinking. It's a sound that even I find naughty but as of the moment, I don't care. He has the ability to me in with a kiss, drowning and asking more of him without me even realizing it. Junhoe's a damn good kisser and he sure knows it.

Suddenly growing aware of my need to breathe, I part away. We're both panting but I'm the one doing it more. Unfair. How does he has a better lung capacity than me?

Not in the mood to move yet, I bury my face on his hair, soaking in his lemon and minty shampoo. One arm slings around his neck, my hands laced together so I'm still holding on to him.

"Junhoe..."

"Don't speak my name carelessly like that. Unless you want me to do it again," he says, his voice huskier.

I try to ignore how my face grows hotter with that. "How is... how am I faring?"

He plants a soft kiss on my jaw, his hand curling around my thigh. "Pretty bad but practice makes perfect. Wanna do it again?"

I catch the lie in there but I don't mind. Facing him again, I send him an inviting smile. "Definitely."

~🌸tbc.