continuation of 18. when he hangs out with his ex-girlfriend

-🌸-

The reflection that stares right at me makes me wince. The signs of alcohol in my face appear in the form of bloodshot eyes and flushed cheeks. Turning the faucet on, I splash water on my face, hoping it'll help me sober a bit.

The silence in the restroom pricks my ears, much more than the guys' ruckus in the karaoke room. It makes me think and thinking right now is something I wouldn't want to do.

Chaeyoung... I didn't tell her I'm going to the after-party tonight.

The memories of what happened at Taeyang's party makes me grunt. Right. What's the use of telling her anyway? She doesn't care.

I stalk out of the restroom after turning off the faucet, wiping excess water off my face with my shirt's sleeve. When I arrive in the hallway, I see Hanna leaning beside the wall of our karaoke room. She straightens up when she sees me, something that makes me frown.

Hanna's acting weird ever since Taeyang's party. She didn't back down from the game when I asked her to, lingered around me more than the usual, and flirted with me through the only song we sang together.

Being friends with her comes with a list of unspoken rules and that includes a line that can't be crossed. I went ahead, thinking Hanna knows that, but with how she's treating me tonight, I don't think she understands at all.

"Junhoe..."

"I know you're drunk but it doesn't give you the excuse to do whatever you want," I say, never thinking twice to mince my words. With how she's acting around me, it's enough to get me pissed.

"Junhoe... I'm sorry... It was just, the song was fun, so I thought you wouldn't mind – remember the old times? We used to sing that a lot—"

"I already have a girlfriend. What would she think of when she sees that?"

She recoils. Something flashes on her eyes, something I can only recognize as pain. "I know but—"

"Hanna," I begin to calm myself down. "Why are you doing this?"

Hanna looks down on the ground and stays silent for a while. Out of the thoughts running through her head, only one is clear for me to see; she's hesitating.

Of what?

"If I tell you the truth, will you still treat me the same?"

"What are you...?"

Hanna takes a deep breath and returns her gaze to me. "I'm still in love with you, Junhoe."

Even with the alcohol in my body, I heard her clear as day. "Hanna..."

Her face reddens, either from the alcohol or something else, I don't know. "All this time... it's still you."

I look around the silent hallway, checking if the other guys are hearing this conversation. Based on the muffled noise from the private room, they're far from hearing us.

"You're drunk," I say as if that's enough reason for me to rationalize the words she's saying.

She shakes her head, steadies her stance a bit by leaning against the wall. "Junhoe... I meant what I said. I'm still in love with you."

This is something that drunk me can't handle easily. With a sigh, I say, "Let's go back inside."

Hanna prevents me from going anywhere as she clings to my shirt sleeve.

"Junhoe... please. I need you..."

As if burned, I pull back. The more she opens , the more the situation gets worse. It's not something that Hanna's saying because of the alcohol in her system. This is something serious.

"Stop making me laugh. You left me, remember?"

Hanna covers her face and chokes back a sob. Seeing her like that makes me kind of guilty. In all the years since I've known her, she rarely cries. Even when we broke up, she didn't cry, at least not in front of me.

"I know, I know... but I can't help it. Would you blame me if I want to do something about this? Junhoe... please come back to me."

There's silence on my end. What am I to say? She's not a big part of my life anymore. She was, but she threw that away just because she wanted to focus on things that didn't include me.

Thinking about the past made me remember the pain I felt after the breakup. How can she say things like this, when it's her who left me?

Before I can say anything, the door of the karaoke room opens.

"Junhoe!" Donghyuk calls from the other side of the door. "Help me with Hanbin!"

Donghyuk gets pushed off the room with a giggling Hanbin. Hyung lies down on the ground, swatting Donghyuk's hands away as he curls like a baby. "Comfy... bed... sleepy..."

Donghyuk looks at me and waves me over. "Junhoe!"

Hanna and I exchange glances. Her reddening features mirror hope for a response, only to be crushed when I say the next words.

"Let's not talk about it anymore."

I don't wait for her reply. As Donghyuk and I help heave a drunk Hanbin back to the room, I sneak a glance at Hanna, still standing where I left her, watching me with sorrow in her eyes. She turns away when she realizes I'm looking.

The guilt feels heavy inside my chest. Unable to deal with it, I stay inside under the pretense I'm babysitting Hanbin, but I know it's because I don't want to be alone anymore.

When the impact of Hanna's words settles on my mind, the guilt shifts, not directed at her, but at Chaeyoung.

Chaeyoung... I should've listened.

-🌸-

"Thank you for taking me home, Jungkook-sshi," I say after bowing to the man before me.

Jungkook scratches his nape as he smiles. "It's nothing. Lisa will probably say the same if I didn't offer it first."

"Still... It's already late at night and you still have yet to go home."

"Don't worry about it. Being an engineer in the making is training for more sleepless nights."

I laugh a little. "Get home safely!"

He hums, putting his hands on his pockets. "I will." With a final smile, he turns around and starts walking away.

As I open the glass door of our apartment building, I receive a message from Lisa.

Lisa: went home safe?

Briefly looking away from my phone, I bow to the security guard in front of me as I pass him by.

Chaeyoung: Yep! Hbu?

Lisa: already went home wd dad

Chaeyoung: Great! Thanks for tonight

Lisa: don't know bout that...

The elevator dings open right as I arrive in front of it. I enter after the people go out, pressing the button to our floor after. There's no signal inside so I wait until I'm on the sixth floor. The moment I arrive at our floor, I send a reply.

Chaeyoung: Really, I'm thankful. If I wasn't there, I wouldn't see what Junhoe's up to at all.

I've never been with Junhoe in their hangouts before so what happened tonight is an eye-opener. If I don't know any better, he doesn't remember he has a girlfriend when he's with them.

Just thinking about how he acted the whole night makes my heart ache. Seriously... I know Junhoe's prideful but does he have to go far like this? When I enter our apartment's passcode, I feel myself steaming more, especially when I remember I'm wearing the white sneakers Junhoe gave me.

"How's the party?" my mom asks the moment I enter inside. She puts an arm on top of the couch's armrest, smiling a little at me. My sight goes over the TV show she's currently watching. Infinity Challenge. The laugh track used by the show drowns her words a bit but I manage to understand.

With a forced smile, I say, "It's okay, mom. Fun, I guess..."

She tones down the volume of the TV and pats the space beside her. I cave in at her universal sign of, 'Come, talk to me.' After removing my sneakers, I walk across the living room to sink on the couch. Mom starts caressing my hair when I lean on her shoulder, putting my arms around her waist after.

"Is there something you want to talk about?" she begins and maybe it's because of her fingers running through my hair that I give in. I tell her of the fight I have with Junhoe, of him not fulfilling the things I expect him to, even with how he treated me like a ghost tonight.

Mom stays silent through it all, never judging or picking a side, just as she always does.

"What should I do now, mom?"

"I think it's something that you two have to talk about."

"I tried but I failed. Frankly, I don't want to talk to him anymore."

Always with the 'talk it out' advice... I know they're saying that because it's the most rational thing to do, but they don't know how hard it is when I have to do it with a stubborn personality. I mean, I'm also stubborn about this, but he always does something to push my buttons! How can I talk to him when he's like that?

"Hm... Do you know love is about compromise too?"

My lower lip juts with a pout. "I know... but he's really difficult to be with... Sometimes, I think it would've been better if I chose someone like me instead."

With a chuckle, she says, "There will never be an exact you in this world. One way or another, you'll find something in them that'll clash with your values, something that'll irritate you to the very core.

"Do you know what's beautiful about that? You'll grow together, taking something from the other and hope it'll change you for the better. That's what good relationships do; help each other grow despite your differences."

I stay silent, letting her words sink in my mind. Mom finds it a way to continue.

"Love shouldn't just stop when one becomes hard to love. Do you know it's when you need to give love the most?"

Mom stops caressing my hair when I raise my head to look at her. "Even if it hurts you so much?"

"Chaeyoung..." She gives me a loving look only she can give. "you are more than capable to love and to be loved. Even if the world doesn't return the love you're giving them, you don't stop loving. You keep on going because that's what the world needs the most."

"What if I get hurt over and over again?"

"If the cause isn't worth fighting anymore, it's your choice to take matters into your own hands. Junhoe... is he still worth fighting for?"

Her words send me thinking. For me, love isn't love until I see their imperfections and accept them for who they are. It's hard to remember every time we fight, but I know Junhoe's worth fighting for. Even if Junhoe's difficult to be with, even if he drives me to the wall, he'll always be the one I love.

I bury myself in mom's warm embrace once again. All of these things wouldn't come to mind if I didn't listen to her. She always looks out for me, even though I don't ask her to. Unlike dad who still treats me like his princess, mom sees me for who I am, a transitioning adult who's trying her hardest to see the world maturely. I may not say it much, but I appreciate what she does for me.

"Ever since you entered a relationship, you're spending less time with me." Mom smiles. "But that's okay. As long as I see you happy."

"Oh, mom... I'm really sorry..."

"You don't have to be sorry. You go live your life. It's one of the best times of your life after all, but don't forget us once in a while."

With a fervent nod, I tell her, "I will not."

Mom pats my arms with a light laugh. "Now, go change. I still have my Saturday show to watch!"

-🌸-

"I'm still in love with you, Junhoe."

Hanna's words last night makes me sigh. The headache from drinking comes in an intensity I can endure, mostly because something's bothering me more than that.

"I'm still in love with you, Junhoe."

The bedsheets crinkle when I shift on the other side. I study the little light permeating through the black curtains. It's not much, but it's a sign it's already morning.

My alarm already went off thirty minutes ago. I should be preparing to go to school, yet I'm still here, nursing a headache that can't seem to go away.

"I'm still in love with you, Junhoe."

The silence inside my room makes everything worse.

Hanna... what the hell were you thinking?

My phone rings. Without much energy, I pick it up somewhere lost under the sheets. It's from Jinhwan.

Jinhwan: You're in more trouble big time, idiot.

I frown. What is he talking about?

He sends me a message with a video link. Someone recorded the after-party, huh? The video starts with Bobby singing Im Jae Bum's 'For You'. I wince and skip that part. Nobody wants a repeat of that.

A couple of minutes after and it shows us singing Black Eyed Peas' song, something we sang with Hanna. My eyes widen when I realize what Jinhwan's talking about, enough for me to sit up on the bed.

It's not what I want to happen. Hanna wanted to join us during the song selection. Who was I stop her?

Really, it would've been nice if she wasn't there, but she's a good friend and junior to the seniors. Besides, she still has a good relationship with the guys. Our break-up shouldn't be a reason for things to get awkward between all of us. Not until last night.

This is bad. This is really bad.

-🌸-

In two weeks, we have to make a curriculum design to accommodate children with special needs, applying all that we learned in EdTech. It's hard, especially if I need to formulate a curriculum without a template. Thankfully, Jennie offered to help, since she's two years ahead of me.

I have to worry about my thesis too. My group mates aren't responding on the group chat so it makes me nervous they're not taking this seriously.

All of this, weighing my shoulders down... And then Junhoe has to do something to add to everything.

Talking with mom last night helped clear my head. It gives me the courage to settle things once and for all. I was hoping we'll have the opportunity to talk today, not until I saw the video.

Junhoe... maybe I trusted him more than I should.

Junhoe: Can we talk?

I stare at his message a moment longer. A part of me wants to say, 'okay', but another says, 'Don't'. Frankly, I prefer the latter. I push the phone out of my sight, focusing on my readings for the day when it vibrates, its effect felt on the study table.

Junhoe: Please.

"Chaeyoung, focus," I say to myself. "He's not worth it."

The phone vibrates again, this time in a continuous manner. Because the vibration is strong, it causes a disturbance with the other people I'm sharing the table with. Bowing apologetically, I pick up the phone, already growing annoyed that because of a certain person, I'm disturbing people at the library.

Junhoe: I want to explain everything. Just give me a chance

Junhoe: I'm really sorry

Junhoe: Chaeyoung, please

Junhoe: Talk to me

Junhoe: I didn't want it to happen, I promise

A sigh escapes my lips. He will not stop, will he? I long press his ID name until a set of options appears. Without hesitation, I click 'Block' and turn off the screen.

His explanation's bound to happen sooner or later. I just don't want to hear it now, knowing my anger will grow even more.

-🌸-

"What are you going to do now?" Donghyuk asks beside me as he writes something on his binder. Basic Finance already started forty-five minutes ago, but Professor Kim's nowhere to be seen. Again. Five minutes more and I'll get out of this class.

Slumping on the hardwood bench, I draw a deep sigh. "I don't know anymore..."

My phone remains opened on top of the desk. She saw the first messages, but the recent ones remain unseen. I scroll the messages up and down without thinking. "Why isn't she responding...?"

"She probably blocked you," Donghyuk replies without taking his sight off the binder.

I frown. "She wouldn't do that."

"Given the rate things are going now, I doubt that."

His response brings me to roll my eyes. We'll only argue if I let myself get affected. Donghyuk never backs down from a fight, regardless if it's petty or not.

My attention shifts to the time on my phone. I sit up straight. It's Chaeyoung's vacant at this hour. Usually, she'll be in the library doing schoolwork.

I look around the room. Some already left while others are starting to leave. I stand up and sling my backpack over my shoulder, deciding to do the same.

"Where are you going?" Donghyuk asks.

"I'm wasting my time here."

He cranes his neck to level his gaze with mine. He must see something crazy in me that he only sighs. "Don't do anything dangerous."

I tap him on the shoulder as I walk out of the room. I keep my head down as I descend the stairs. It'll be my luck if I meet my professor while skipping class.

Getting out of the building is half the battle with a campus as big as ours. The library she frequents at is a fifteen-minute walk from here if I follow the walkway. Usually, I wouldn't mind but she's not responding to my messages. That means something.

I cross the open fields to cut the walking distance short. The afternoon sun's too high for my liking but to hell with it.

Arriving at the cemented bleachers brings me to sigh in relief. I'm on the walkway leading to the building when I hear someone call my name.

"Junhoe!"

My light jog stops as I look back. Squinting to see better, I recognize Hanna's figure coming towards me. Seeing her makes me remember what happened last night, something I don't prefer remembering at all.

When she arrives in front of me, she adjusts the books she holds close to her chest with her other arm. "About what happened last night—"

"I know it's because you're drunk," I cut her off.

Hanna bites her lips, eyes glossing with emotions I used to see back then; a gaze full of love only reserved for me. "Junhoe, I meant every word I said last night."

A bitter chuckle escapes my throat. What does she take me for? I step back, ready to turn a heel away. "Don't talk to me anymore."

Before I can get out of her sight, Hanna grabs my wrist. "If I kneel down and beg, will you come back to me?"

"Hanna..."

"I thought I was okay. I thought I could be happy without you by my side, but every time I see you with her, my heart breaks more. I tried to push these thoughts away. Trust me, I really tried. Even went to dates so I can forget about you... but I can't...

"I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't do something about it. Maybe if I begged, you'd change your heart and come back to me. Junhoe, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry... Junhoe... can you come back to me?"

I stay silent for a few seconds. A few months ago, this would be something I can only see in my dreams. Every single day after the break-up felt meaningless without her by my side. This would've been an ideal scenario, only if she's still the one I love.

"Don't become pitiful because of me."

"W - What?"

Removing her grip from my wrist to face her, I say, "You lost the chance a long time ago, Hanna. I love Chaeyoung with all my life. I hope you respect that."

She stares at me, befuddled. Taking her silence as a cue to leave, I give her a tight-lipped smile, never looking back as I enter the library in front. When I step inside, I resist the urge to look back. I mean what I say, but it doesn't mean I don't care about Hanna anymore.

She was my everything. For once in our lives, we loved each other, so much that it felt I was dying when she let me go. It's regretful that we arrived in this conclusion, but there's nothing I can't do anymore.

Knowing the truth doesn't soften the pain. It doesn't mean we have to live in a lie either. The truth still stands, and that my choice will always be Chaeyoung, every second of the damn day.

Thoughts about Hanna doesn't matter anymore when I see the vast area of bookshelves. It's idiotic for me to get excited about seeing books, but the library is one of the places I can see Chaeyoung. It's not much crowded as it usually is when exams are near, so it's something I'm thankful about. Expecting she's somewhere in here, I send another message.

Junhoe: Are you still in the library?

It's left unread again. Waiting for a reply, I receive a message, but it's not from someone I'm expecting from.

Donghyuk: Come back, dimwit. Prof's coming

A deep sigh escapes my lips. I start sprinting as soon as I get out of the building. Professor Kim's one thing but Chaeyoung's something else. She'll kill me if she discovers I skipped a class.

-🌸-

My thumb hovers above the call button beside Junhoe's name. I bite my lower lip. Should I? Should I not? I mean, why am I the first one to call? This doesn't feel right.

Never mind. I don't want to lose my sanity overthinking this. I shove the phone deep in my shoulder bag, conditioning myself to erase any thoughts about him, and continue walking on the empty sidewalk alone.

It's already seven in the evening. It's not the usual time I go home but because of group meetings in the university, I have to stay out late. The long hours make me yawn without intention. Usually, Junhoe gives me candy when he senses I'm tired—

Wait, why am I thinking about him? He's probably not thinking about me, probably out with his friends, drinking the night away... Typical Junhoe.

The high-rise building of our apartment complex's in sight. Someone's leaning beside the entrance's double doors. Adjusting the strap of my shoulder bag, I look down on the ground, hoping I'll not make eye contact with the stranger. It's late and usually, no one hangs around here, except if they're a resident. I'm already pushing the glass door when I catch a whiff of mint, along with the faint smell of detergent flowers.

"Chaeyoung."

Hearing the timbre of that tone makes me stop. Turning towards the figure of the man leaning beside the door, I realize it's Junhoe.

I remove my hand away from the door to face him. "Junhoe..."

He leans away from the wall and massages the back of his neck. "Can we uhm... can we talk?"

Reflexively, I look at the closed doors, pulling my lower lip with my teeth. I'm not yet ready to speak to him, especially because he did another mistake, but mom's words last night resurfaces in my memory.

With a sigh, I nod.

Junhoe leads me towards the playground, swinging the black plastic bag he has on hand. Before I can wonder what's in there, he breaks the silence.

"How are you these days?" he asks in almost a whisper, as if too shy to speak a word to me.

Shy and Junhoe don't fit in one sentence so it's something that surprises me a bit.

"Fine, I guess. How about you?"

Junhoe stalls, looks down on the ground, before answering. "Honestly, I'm not fine at all."

I find myself speechless with that. How am I going to respond to that? Thankfully, we already arrived at the playground. It's late so the neighborhood kids aren't here, giving us the privacy and silence we need.

I follow him towards the swings and we both sit side by side. Funny how we're here. Last time we were here, Junhoe surprised me on my birthday.

The plastic bag crinkles on his lap as he sits down. "I'm sorry for everything." He bends his legs with them still planted on the powdery mud, the rusty chains squeaking as he swings a little. "I'm a jerk. I know."

I don't say anything in reply to that.

"I'm really sorry. About lots of things. For lashing out on you. For ignoring you for days." Junhoe chuckles and stays idle on his swing. "I was in the wrong and I turned that around to blame it on you. If you can't forgive me now, it's okay."

I look down, scuffing the dirt with my sneakers. The soles become darker with the movement but it's the last thing I want to worry right now. I have a lot of things to say and quite frankly, want to tell him off for ignoring me like I didn't exist. If there's anything I learned in our feud, it's that anger makes people do bad things.

"You didn't tell me you were going to your sunbaenim's after-party," is what I say.

Junhoe keeps his head down. "I'm sorry."

"You hung out with your ex-girlfriend when I wanted you to keep your distance."

"I'm really sorry..."

"You did those things, but I had my fair share of mistakes too. I'm sorry," I say in a timid voice as if I don't want him to hear me saying it.

"Why are you saying sorry if you didn't do anything wrong?"

"I didn't tell you I was going to the party too." I look down on my lap. "I wanted to keep my mind off things but it just made everything worse. Then I hung out with Jungkook too much to have my revenge on you..."

His forehead creases. "Jungkook?"

I nod. "He's Lisa's boyfriend if you're asking."

A relieved sigh comes from him, shaking his head as he does so. "Chaeyoung, I told you, you didn't do anything wrong."

A lump forms in my throat, a telling sign of me spilling tears over this conversation. No, not now. I shake my head. "No... I..."

Who am I kidding? I can't stop myself if my body reacts in a way I don't like. I hang my head low, hair covering my face as I let my eyes get blurry. Sneaking in one harsh wipe, I purse my lips. The tears come not because I'm upset or disappointed with Junhoe. It comes because of the fear I feel that I'm going to lose him.

"When I went out of the library earlier, I heard you talking with Hanna." I fiddle with the ends of my sweater. "I thought you were going to get back together, but then I heard what you said and I can't help but not forgive you then and there."

"Chaeyoung..."

"Mom told me to still love even if one becomes hard to love. I guess when we're too consumed with anger, it's hard to see why I love you in the first place."

The swing beside me squeaks, then I see him crouching in front of me, placing his hands on my knees. "Chaeyoung." Junhoe cradles my cheeks with his warm hands and swipes the tears that escape my eyes. "Please don't cry. It breaks my heart if I see you like this."

Not in any way close to speaking, I wrap my arms around him, just so he can't see me crying anymore. Junhoe returns the gesture by moving his hands on my waist.

Even if I have difficulty speaking at the moment, I try asking him, "What did you and Hanna talk about last night?"

His chest heaves with a sigh. "She wanted to get back together with me."

Hearing it come from him doesn't hurt any less. "Well, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Get back together with her."

Junhoe breaks the embrace and with love spelled out in his eyes, he says, "How can I do that when I only want to be with you?"

His words bring my eyes to moisten with tears again. I know that, but hearing it come from him, it's different. After wiping away my tears, Junhoe hauls me back to his arms. We stay like that, neither of us speaking for a while. When I feel him adjusting on his knees, that's when I decide to pull away.

"Sorry," I say with a little laugh to ease the awkwardness.

Junhoe squeezes my knee. "I told you, don't say sorry if—"

"—I didn't do anything wrong. Got it. I just mean," I point at a darker part on his shirt's shoulder. "I did that."

He turns his head towards it and shrugs. "It's alright."

"So... are we okay now?"

Junhoe holds his fist in front of me and brings out his pinky. "Let's promise each other not to get crazy mad when we fight, that we'll talk no matter what happens."

I curl my own pinky around his. "Okay. I promise that too."

Right when I say that, he pulls me towards him, the unexpected force enough for me to propel forward, and the little distance between us enough for him to kiss me on the forehead.

"Consider that as sealing this promise."

A smile spreads across my lips. He always knows how to make my heart flutter, especially in moments like this.

After what feels like forever, I see him grinning as he pulls his pinky away. "I promise to be less stupid from now on." My boyfriend then opens the plastic bag he's carrying and holds out two bottles of yogurt. "It's a little peace-offering."

I take one bottle after he punctures the straw in. "Thanks."

Junhoe stands up, catching him wincing as he shakes his legs, and half-limps back to the empty swing beside me. It would've made me laugh if only I wasn't crying a moment ago. When he settles down, he punctures through his own yogurt.

"Oh, and Junhoe?"

"Hm?"

"Only like my posts from now on."

~🌸tbc.