word document from chaeyoung's laptop entitled, 'anger management diary'

-🌸-

Before anyone else sees this and wonder why, most of all my boyfriend (Junhoe, if you're snooping around my laptop, I swear, I'll break up with you) this is a writing exercise. My unnies say this is good for venting out my feelings. I can't hurt the reason why I'm frustrated either so this is the least I can do.

This is my advice: Never, ever get into a relationship. When you do, make sure he's not a sarcastic, annoying, lazy one, like mine. He'll only bring headaches.

10 Reasons Why I Hate You Goo Junhoe

#1: when you act like you know everything

Fun fact: You don't know everything. Between the two of us, I'm the one more knowledgeable, seeing you don't study much. Oops. Hurts, doesn't it? Kinda wish you can read this right now to payback all the hurtful things you did to me.

Oooh. Don't act sarcastic on me now, mister. When we were fighting days ago, you said, and I quote, since I remember every words you said,

"I know a lot of guys will come near you, seeing I'm not gonna be there."

"I know you'll end up doing something stupid there anyway so don't bother coming."

You know. You know. You know! You only know how to say you know! Stop acting like you know!

Well, if you know everything, Mr. I-know-everything, you should probably know that I hate drinking. At best, I'll stay with my friends and they'll never force me to do something I'll be uncomfortable with. Gosh, why don't you trust me on this?

You should know, of all people, I'd never cheat on you. If anything, you're more of that type. Stop following y models on Instagram! You think I don't see it? The fact that you always spend time on your phone smiling at whatever's on your newsfeed proves a lot of things. I know I don't have big things but do you really have to search it at someone else's? Gosh, you're disgusting. Are big s and booties all there is to the world?

#2: when you make me feel I can't do something without you

I'm not a damsel in distress, okay? I don't need saving—unless I'm drowning or something. I think you're like this because I always cry, even with silly things and that makes you want to protect me over EVERYTHING. Fun fact #2: I may be oblivious over a lot of things but I can handle myself.

Okay, I can hear you scoffing at this. That's fine, given that one incident when I had to work as Jisoo unnie's substitute. But it made me realize, why do I get criticized for it? Do I have control over their thoughts? Stop ualizing everything. It isn't the woman's fault if the guy has negative thoughts. I mean, I hear women everywhere getting ually abused even if their sleeves and skirt are too long. If anything, people should reprimand the offenders, not the victims!

And if I'm being friendly, I'm only being friendly. Do I have to ignore people who strikes a conversation with me? That's rude. Do you ignore people who talks to you? No. Because it doesn't make sense! It's not like I'll think of getting together with them and break up with you. Am I petty? Am I stupid? Am I even a child who needs supervision everytime I have to go somewhere else?

It's a Membership Training, MT! It's like, the one thing in life you can't ever skip. If I want a social suicide, maybe, but that's beside the point. All of my seniors will be there. What message am I going to send if I don't attend?

#3: when you roll your eyes

Like what you did when I told you I can handle it. I'm not saying anything stupid but you make me feel like I do. You know why people hate seeing your eye-rolling? Because it's offending. Because it belittles them. Because it makes them feel you think you're better than them. Well, get this. You're not. If I see you rolling your eyes again, I swear, with all my love for Cheetos, I'll poke your eyeballs out.

#4: when you get sarcastic with me

If you're not rolling your eyes, you're being sarcastic. Your defense mechanism is offending. Why am I not surprised? I mean, did you hear yourself earlier? You're! So! Annoying! Why are you my boyfriend? Seriously, why?

It's so deadly when you combo sarcasm with the eye-rolling. You know, like what you did today?

"Yeah." Eye-rolling. Eye-rolling. "I'm sure that'll work out great."

Does that sound familiar? Yeah, because that's what you said earlier! Put your sarcasm somewhere else. I swear, when you do this, I lose the energy to talk to you. Sometimes, I wonder why do I even bother? You'll not listen to me anyway.

#5: when you don't understand my side

It's also nice to come down from your high throne from time to time. You know, to experience being in sync with others? Just because you think that way doesn't mean everyone do too. Sometimes, I feel my feelings are disregarded just because it disagrees with yours. Well, I'm different from you, okay?

Stop stopping my growth on things I have to learn for myself. I'm not a baby. Most of all, not your baby. I'm a grown woman. Given that I stopped growing on some things, I am a woman too!

Let me attend the MT. Just, LET ME. You say it's a 'stupid gathering anyways' but it's important to me because,

1. Jisoo and Jennie will be there

2. My other seniors will be there

3. It's social suicide if I don't come

4. It's in a nearby resort with all the slides and everything

5. Just to prove to you that I can go somewhere without you babying me

6. I really want to go

7. I really really really want to go

I mean... Junhoe. SLIDES. S.L.I.D.E.S.

#6: when you hate me crying over the stupidest things

Now that I'm finished with the things I hate about you today, let's talk about the things I already hate about you for a long time. Surprised? Yeah, you're not the best boyfriend in the world either.

I get it. I cry easily. What I don't get is why my own boyfriend crticizes me for it. I get it from other people too, okay? You, of all people, should understand me well. It's not like when I tell myself to stop my tears will also stop. Am I a robot? No. So don't tell me to stop. When you're sarcastic, do I tell you to stop? No, because no matter how much I hate you doing it, I know, and I swear by my psych class, that there's always, always, a reason behind the things you do.

#7: when you judge me just because I love pineapples on my pizza

Okay. This one riles me out so much. When we decide to eat pizza and I choose Hawaiian, you'd give me this disgusted look like I'm eating garbage. Did I hate you and judge you for your food choices? No. So don't act like your food choices are the right things in life. A lot of people have preferences too! I mean, I had a lot of men to pick from but why did I choose you? Some are really kind and sweet and frankly, has more manners than you. They will not hurt my feelings and most of all, will not stress me out. They're the real pineapples. You? You're more like black olives. Dark, bitter, and set aside on my plate because I don't like them.

#8: when you eat everything

Hey, are you a human vacuum? I know you have a lot of money but why do we always have to spend ridiculous amount of money just because we have to get everything by two? We can share fries, we can share clubhouse sandwiches, we can even share the big pot of stew, but NO. No, because you eat a lot. And no because you somehow always end up eating something from my plate. Sometimes I wonder if your mother doesn't feed you well.

I. Want. My. Food. Junhoe. How am I supposed to eat anything if you keep eating mine??? What even is the reason we're eating out together? Am I a spectator to watch you gobble everything down?

#9: when you're on your 'man period'

What's up with you? One minute, you're being clingy, the next, you're pushing me away. I know 'man period' doesn't exist but I feel like you already invented it. You're either sweet as honey or vicious like a devil. Seriously, there is no in-between. Do you have two personalities?

#10: when you don't study when I tell you to

Among the diligent college students of the country, you're the only person I know who doesn't know how to study well. Are you in college to have fun? No, so open your textbooks and stop slacking off. Is it so hard to read the notes I ask your good friends to send you? I mean, you didn't even have to go through the painful process of taking notes!

I swear, if Donghyuk's influence isn't rubbing off of you, I don't know what is. Sometimes, I think he'll be a better boyfriend because I don't have to tell him to study. We can have study sessions together too. He's also kinda cute. Maybe he should've been my boyfriend instead?

I'm joking.

Okay. Fine.

I did consider that seriously for a bit.

~

Ten reasons aren't enough to list the things I hate about you. If I can, I can go on and on but I can't, because right now, writing all the hateful things only made me angrier. This isn't helping. If anything, I only remembered why I hate you in the first place. Did I tell you you're annoying? No? You're really annoying.

So after the hateful things, I have to write the lovable ones. Why? Because as much as I hate you right now, I want the anger to fade away. You'll be calling later again and I don't want to talk to you without a clear head. If I do, the ten things I hate about you will turn into a novel.

10 Reasons Why I Love My Boyfriend

Surprised that I still love you? Don't worry. I am too.

#1: when you tie my shoelaces

You wouldn't want me bending down because you say guys would look at my or something. But then you also say I'm flat so how dare you

Okay, I'm writing reasons why I love you so I shouldn't rile myself again. This is the 'I love you' section.

#2: when you nudge me away from the dangerous side of the street

You'd do it casually like, we'd be walking and talking, and then without breaking your line of thought, you'd grab my arm and change places with me. It may seem like a little gesture but it matters a lot. It's the little gestures, you know? Even though you're stupid a lot of times, you have your moments.

#3: when you do that little smile after every kiss

You may not notice it but you do that, you always do. You have the habit of looking at my lips like you're saying 'yep, just kissed that.' And when you do that, my goodness. My heart. My soul. My body. When I die of a heart attack, please write on my epitaph that it's because of Junhoe and his damned smile.

But I'm still mad at you. Just so we're clear.

#4: when you tie my hair back

Remember that time when I was eating ramen I almost ate my hair in front of my face? You grabbed a hair tie on my bag and brushed my hair back with your fingers—clumsily may I add—and tied it for me without saying anything. Anyway, I appreciate the gesture. It's kinda sweet.

I always like it when you touch my hair. Remember that time? I was slightly panicking (okay, maybe full-on panicking) after an exam because I was afraid I didn't do well and you waved me over while saying, "C'mere." And when I did, you hugged me and my hair until I calmed down. I can fall asleep too when you do that. You know what, if you just hugged me and did that when we were fighting, I would forgive you on the spot. But that's just me wishful thinking.

#5: when you pepper me with kisses

Remember when we were sitting on your bed and you were hugging me from behind? You kissed me on the cheeks for like, a million times while saying, "I love you," in between kisses. And I'd giggle and tell you to stop but the truth is, I don't want you to. It's just for the safety of my heart since I feel like it's going to explode. You're too irresistible when you're sweet to me, okay?

#6: when you show you still care even in the middle of a petty fight

We've reached that point where we're having a cold war and you know how it gets messy. No messaging, no good morning/good night calls, no waiting at the bus stop, not even a shadow of our presence with one another. But I appreciate your message earlier.

'forecast said it'll be extra hot. don't forget your umbrella'

Even in the middle of spiteful words we throw at each other, you still love me. I also love you. It's just it's easier to get mad at you when you don't understand me. I wish you can trust me more. It'll mean a lot.

#7: when you cry with me

You don't cry much when you're sober but when you do, it's because of me. At the top of my head, I can probably enumerate the time when we watched Hachi and A Dog's Purpose. Yep, definitely dog movies gets you everytime. It's funny because I know you were tearing up but when you'd glance at me and see me crying, you'd cry too. Then we'd cry together like idiots. Sometimes, you'd ask me if I'm crying and I'd say I'm not crying and I'd throw the question back to you and you'd say the same thing, even though we'd be a mess of sniffles and tears.

What left an impression was that time when you broke down. We were talking about something trivial I think, when you did that so I was confused why. Later on, you told me you couldn't get your dream off your head, of you dreaming your mom dying. And I know it's stupid, but seeing you cry like that for your mom made me cry too. You really love your mom...

#8: when you cheer me up

You know what cheers me up so much. When I'm stressed with schoolwork, or even annoyed with something else (sometimes even at you), you give me food because you know it works everytime. I think you take the Snickers slogan too literally because you always give me chocolates. Not that I'm complaining. I love chocolates with all my heart <3

Sometimes, it comes in the form of words, one thing you're best at. You'd say, "You did well," and pat my back, or "I'm proud of you," when I get results I'm not proud of. I know I'm lacking in a lot of things but when someone says that to me, it makes me feel like the hard work I put through is worth it.

#9: when you're happy with my achievements

Sometimes, you're more delighted than me! Remember last semester when I finally got in the Dean's List and we were both in the bulletin board when we found my name? You couldn't stop exclaiming to the point that others are looking at you weird. It's not even that but you keep pointing at it asking me if that's really me and I keep nodding while smiling at you because you looked like an idiot. A really cute one. You even posted the pic in your newsfeed even when I tell you not to.

Did you also remember that time I wanted to get over my fear of horror movies? We didn't watch a lot then even though you like it, because of me. So when IT showed in the cinemas, I decided to brave through it because I know you wanted to watch it bad. I watched it through my fingers and quite frankly, the ticket's wasted on me but at least I got through it (I'd seriously leave in the first ten minutes then). It may not seem much but it's an achievement for me.

It's not just about me acing my tests or me getting As. When I tell you someone called me pretty (given that it's not a guy), or when I learned to play one full song on my guitar, or when I finally learned calligraphy... you'd be there on my side, happy as much as I am.

#10: when you mean the words 'i love you'

I feel it when you buy me coffee or a chocolate bar as I study, when you wait for two to three hours just so that we can take the bus together, when you remind me about things even if we're fighting, when you say 'you did well', 'good job', 'I'm proud of you' when I feel my spirit battered down, and the list can go on and on because everyday, you make me feel those three words, even without you saying it.

You're stubborn, unpredictable, and cold when you want to be but you never fell short in showing how much you love and care for me. You care for me as a person, as a woman, as someone close to you, not just because I'm your girlfriend. So even though you make me frustrated a lot of times, know that I love you too.

* * * EXCERPT END * * *

"Hello, Junhoe?"

"Let's stop this senseless fighting. I miss you."

*sighs* "Me too. But we're not coming to an agreement, are we?"

"Let's compromise. Promise me you'll stay ten feet away from googly-eyed men?"

*laughs* "I'll trust my unnie's better judgment."

"..."

*sighs* "Fine. You can go to the MT."

"Yey!" *clears throat* "So uhm... are we okay now?"

"I'm in front of your apartment."

*smiles*

"Come down so I can finally see you after a long week."

*chuckles* "Alright, alright, Mr. Demanding."

"Oh, and Chaeyoung?"

"Hm?"

"..."

"Junhoe?"

"I'll just say it when you come down. It'll be more special."

*whispers* "Love you too, Junhoe."

~🌸tbc.

how to get ruined by junhoe:

step 1.

step 2.