I couldn’t bare it to you.

But if I did,

Will you accept me still?

March 2012

7:21 a.m.

It was the first time Lisa became nervous about an entrance ceremony.

Senseless, fiddling at the button of an unfamiliar clothing, anew from the simple one she’d always wore. She urged her focus back to the cobweb path, breath inadvertently spiking into a frazzled inhale as her eyes only managed to veer towards the towering columns of the school.

Her school.

At which from the moment she steps in at its entrance…

She knew things will be different.

The worn-out gate of her previous school was replaced with a lofty arch welcoming at its entrance. The sooty air dusting from its walkway became a path filled with cherry blossoms, sinking with its idle fall. Whilst, her simple white blouse and plain skirt was now altered into a uniform presaging that she’s now a student from the most prestigious school of the country.

She didn’t look back, strutting forward with the notion she’d already belonged here, but it simply left her feeling on guard with everything.

She knew she’s a deviation from them.

Merely an outlier.

She doesn’t belong here but she’s bridled by the circumstances.

As if ensnared by fate.

With a push against the glass door of the gymnasium, Lisa steps in, bearing an unflinching pretense that this will soon be over. She surveys the area as she was welcomed by the crowd of students all seated while having their own talk.

Lisa only sidled back to her own insecurity. Intimidated. Bearing in mind that each of these students came from rich and powerful families, skilled from various fields expertise, and hastened by a reputation that subdues anyone below their level.

I…should have never agreed to this.

Lisa willed herself to walk and find a seat. She stared straight ahead, shielding herself with detachment from the thought that she stood so low compared to their level, but in an instant, the image of her parents flashed through her.

It reminded her of the reason, effectively pacifying her fatalistic thoughts.

That whether or not it was the right choice. She’ll still choose this.

She’ll do anything just to help her family.

With an undaunted mask, Lisa surveys the area once more and took the first seat that’s empty from the back row, disregarding of even greeting nor inquiring her seatmate who’s busy typing at her phone.

“Well, that’s really rude.” The girl commented once she looked up from her phone. Lisa gave her a glance and was met with a single high-arched brow tethered by rounded eyes, apparently miffed. Her lips tightly peeved, squared into line with her chestnut brown locks waved to the side.  

You should make friends, okay? Her mother’s voice echoed through her, reminding her to act in an affable way. Lisa gave it some thought but it hastened away in seconds.

There’s no way she’ll managed to do that. So, she returns her look upfront, evidently impassive of the girl’s snark remark, bidding nothing but for this ceremony to be over.

“Hey. At least respond.”

Lisa suppresses herself from rolling her eyes. She tilts her head to the side and renounces with a sigh.

“What?”

“Do you even have any manners?”

Again, Lisa ignores her.

It gave her a few seconds of silence, whilst the girl huffed at her again. Unbothered now.

“Well. It’s okay. Seungwan won’t be coming, I guess.” The girl turns to her, suddenly smiling with a held-out hand. “I’m Hayi, by the way. You are?”

Lisa lingers her stare in surprise, still greeted with that smile, and resolved that there’s no way that this rich girl was nowhere near friendly, recalling how students from private schools would always look at them with high held faces, demeaning smirks and conceited looks settled only at their way whenever they’ve crossed path.

“I’m – ”

Her words were cut off by the sudden gush of students at the back.

“Ah…Look. The Queen is here.” Hayi imparted as she swivels her look.

Lisa followed Hayi’s gaze as gasps and greetings can be vaguely heard at the entrance of the gym. Lisa couldn’t see her, only registering the small circle that was starting to form around the newly arrived student.

She’s the popular one, I guess.

Hayi smirked at her thoughts being muttered aloud.

“Yes. She’s the most popular student here.”

Lisa shyly nodded back. Hayi continued, her cheeks now tracing a slight blush.

“She’s…Kim…Kim J-Jennie.”  

Lisa couldn’t contain it, too roguish to let it even pass, and chuckles.

“Your crush?”

She’s met with appalled widened eyes. “I-It’s…She’s…”

Lisa raises a brow at Hayi, her blush developing into a burning flame as it works its way up to her pale neck.

“Y-you’re right…She’s my crush.”

Lisa nodded back, lips pressed together to contain her smile. Sighing, Hayi crosses her legs and sets her hands to her sides.

“She’s the campus crush actually. I mean, who wouldn’t fall for her? She’s the top student of our batch, and she’s kind. Very kind. She’d always help us out whenever we flunk on our tests, she'd also help out other clubs and even the student council too. She could’ve been our Student Council President but she refuses.”

“Why...is that?” Lisa asked, intrigued at how this student was avowed by Hayi.

“Well. Some say it was just for show. Her kindness, I mean. That it was just because she wants to be the teacher’s pet, but for me, they’re just bitter that Jennie had beaten them in the rankings.”

Hayi scuttles her look back to Lisa and trills in a stance.

“I think she just wants to focus first on her studies first. And being in the student council is really a tiring job. She’s amazing actually. She wasn’t the top student when we were in Middle School. She…wasn’t like that back then. I guess, something happened, that changed her.”

It was a false pretense of course.

How Lisa wouldn’t even consider anything from Hayi’s words about Jennie. That she, wouldn’t believe anything that describes Jennie. That it’s safe to surmise that all of the students here are just like the rumors would always say.

“How amazing.”

Her sarcasm didn’t stir Hayi. Shrugging it off, Hayi collectedly utters to her.

“Don’t blame me if you fell for her too. I’ve already warned you.”

“I wouldn’t. I would never fall for anyone.”

Maybe it was because the way Hayi’s eyes glisten back at her in challenge that she’d somehow felt a sudden agitation.

That she…

Would soon take back her words.

Her streak of indifference came over her again.

First, she'd called her dumb for gawking at her stupidly when they’ve bumped into each other. Then, she’d settled on hugging her while saying words she’s now regretting.

Don’t you feel powerless living other people’s worlds?

Lisa couldn’t control it.

She couldn’t control how she would utter whatever thought came into her mind whenever she’s with Jennie. That even though they’ve just met, there’s something about Jennie that she couldn’t figure out.

Like how she felt her mind going blank the moment those brown orbs settled its gaze at her.

How she couldn’t repress herself from smiling when she caught her staring at her.

How she’d committed it to her mind the way Jennie would explain each place with enthusiasm.

And how she felt her breathing hitched in rasp when she held her. 

But somehow.

She wasn’t opposed it.

She wasn’t aversed to it all.

“Honey? Why are you smiling by yourself?”

Slightly staggered, Lisa looked up and saw her mother grinning at her, idly lifting her spoon and waves at her untouched plate.

“Your dinner would be cold.”

Her mother spared her a disinterested look, but she knew all too well that she’s stowing away her amusement.

“Unnie? Please pass the rice.” Her 6-year old sister requested, tugging her shirt while looking up to her with those bright rounded eyes.

Eyes that’s a stark comparison of their father’s. Innocent, but strikes her like those of their mother’s coy look.  

Lisa bid to it and passes it with a hand, refraining to even look at the two, sheepish at how she’d suddenly drifted on thoughts about Jennie.

About someone she’d only met for a day.

“Unnie?”

“Y-yes?”

Her little sister grinned at her. Her short hair framing her chubby cheeks as she smiles. 

“You’re pretty when you smile.”

She’d been ignored.

She’d been ignored by Jennie after their tour.

Lisa couldn’t blame her though, resolving she’ll do the same if she was Jennie. That maybe it was because of her outlandish way of having a conversation with anyone at that matter, or rather the way she would carelessly utter crude words, derailing any hope of her being social.

Days have passed and the ‘Student role model’/ ‘Hottest student’ of YG High had, almost, conversed to the class except her. Whether it was a small talk, or a gathering, Jennie made sure she’d look past from her. Barely even giving a glimpse at her direction.

It only pleased her.

Inwardly delighted from observing Jennie even in a distance. She’s fine with it, suiting her own introverted behavior. Passively looking forward, but taking note of the brunette’s actions. It was involuntary. How she’s hyperaware of where Jennie is. That within their room, wherever she might have scuffled into, she’d specifically point out their distance.

Her senses felt like it was manipulated.

Because right now…

She’s acutely aware of Jennie’s absence.

The results of the pre-test didn’t bother her the slightest, preconceived of what her ranking would be as her classmates gushed over her, madly asking questions on how she’d managed to have a perfect score despite its difficulty.

It didn’t matter to her.

Those tests. The results. And the popularity she’s now receiving.

It didn’t matter how she’d been requested to represent the school in the upcoming Academics Competition.

It didn’t matter how she’d suddenly been torn by the bickering presidents of different clubs.

And it didn’t matter how her classmates approached her, entreating for her to join their circle of friends.

She’d refused them all.

Because all that matters to her now is the shaking girl within her arms.

Soothing her with a gentle caress as she held her tight against her body, seemingly afraid of breaking the brunette whose tears endlessly flee from her eyes.

Lisa felt a grip against her uniform.

Clinging, needy in silence despite the conviction within those burning brown eyes.

Unflinching despite the strain she’s experiencing.

“I’ll make your mouth shut up.”

It wrenched something within her.

Presaging that this girl.

Was different from the rest.

“Okay. You looked like a love-sick fool.”

Lisa jumped slightly, breath shifting into surprised gasp before placing both of her hands against the counter. She shifted her cap and glared at her boss, searing an irate stare at the pink-haired man whose handsome face erected with a cupped hand, shoulders crossed as he smugly observes her with a smirk.

She decided to overlook the comment, pivoting away from him as she grabs a rag and settled on cleaning the cabinets.