Nadir

Sleeping crouched down against the wall, waiting for the elevator doors to open at any minute, hadn’t been the wisest choice, Junmyeon had done it anyway. Last night he had returned home and even though his common sense knew Yixing wouldn’t be there, he had had a faint glimmer of hope. Once Junmyeon realized the house was empty and Yixing wouldn’t answer his phone calls, he found this spot, sat down and waited and waited, but nothing had occurred, only that he ended up falling asleep. As he woke up now his body definitely hadn’t appreciated it. Nothing could have stopped him, though. If Yixing were to walk out of those doors, Junmyeon had wanted to be there. Even at this moment, Junmyeon continued looking at the metallic doors, hoping, praying for Yixing’s return and ignoring the hunger growls his stomach was giving for skipping dinner yesterday.

Junmyeon had thought he’d be stronger and hold in his inner demons a little longer. Yet his lips had been unable to utter a sentence, and he had let Tao do the talking. He couldn’t even look at Yixing, staring at the fire had been more bearable. But hearing Yixing take all those lies, all that deceit, and the way Yixing had made that distinguishable noise when he smiled from ear to ear after hearing Qian had ‘fallen in love,’ how Yixing had pleaded Tao to help him, and when Yixing had stood next to him, comforting him over the failure and calling him ‘love’ while being happy that he had ‘tried’ was the last Junmyeon could take. The guilt and animosity had pushed him over the edge, so far away that for the first time in ages, he had felt the need to cry. He had been so disgusted with himself, for having lied for so long to the most comprehensible, caring and loving person he had ever met. For lying to the one person who had given him so much… Love. Junmyeon could no longer acquiesce with the plan and decided to tell the truth despite the consequences. Because, how could he ever build a future life along with Yixing when he carried such a horrible lie in his heart?

While it had been liberating being honest with Yixing, he still remembered how Yixing had rapidly withdrawn his hand from their clasp. The disappointment and ache in Yixing’s eyes while hearing him come clean. Yixing’s despairing laugh was one of the most horrible sounds he’d ever heard. And how could ever forget Yixing’s disdainful glare after pushing him away, telling him he was the last person he ever wanted to see? Every word had torn a bit of Junmyeon’s heart. Every word felt as if Yixing was being taken away from him, no, Yixing was getting away from him. Junmyeon had been angry with Tao when his friend had held him after Yixing had left the annex, and all he could do was to shout Yixing’s name, hoping for him to come back. But he wouldn’t have been able to take more of Yixing’s rejection.

His heart feared what would happen now. Deep in his mind, he knew the answer but was reluctant to even think about it.

Junmyeon hugged his knees and continued staring at the doors. He would stay here and wait for Yixing’s return. Then, he’ll tell everything to him, the whole truth, and hope that Yixing would be able to understand, that Yixing’s love would be able to look past the horrible mistakes he had made. He needed Yixing to understand.

At the last second, he stopped and prevented his feet from almost crushing the small flowers on the snow-covered ground. He crouched down until he laid on his tummy and could observe the white flowers closer. It was the first time he saw flowers blooming in the winter. Four petals each, eight in total. Dropping nodding heads hanging from the green stem. No taller than his dad’s hand.

“What you are doing, Xing-Xing?” Qian’s voice interrupted his observance. She laid next to him on the snow, both admiring the small flowers.

“Why do these ones bloom in the winter, Qian? How can they survive the cold?”

“Because they are snowdrops.”

“Snowdrops?”

Qian nodded. “Yes, most of them can blossom during the winters. It’s believed that their blossoming is a sign that spring is near. That’s why they are also known as Emblem of early spring.”

As always, his sister never needed much time to identify a flower. Yixing esteemed how she could remember all of that. In the past, he had felt all flowers looked the same, and their only variation was in color or shape. But Qian had slowly spread her enthusiasm to him, and now he could distinguish a marsh marigold from a lesser celandine. Clearly, he still had a long way to reach Qian’s level of knowledge.

“Then, does it mean it’ll be spring soon?”

They looked up at the sky together. In the final days of the first month of the year, the greyness had finally been replaced with clear blue skies and sun rays that warmed their faces.

“It has been getting a little warmer, hasn’t it? So, I’m guessing it will.”

“I like spring.”

“I know you do.”

“What do they mean?” Yixing asked, lowering his gaze on the two snowdrops again.

“A lot of things. But one of the most common is hope.”

“Hope?”

“Yes, hope and the beginning of something new because they bloom in the late winter and are the first heralds of spring. They give us hope that the cold will end soon, and that warmth is upon us. We’ll be okay. All the dead things buried under the snow will come alive once again when spring arrives. That’s why they signify hope.”

Yixing smiled at the way Qian got engrossed in her explanations. “How do you know all this stuff?”

“I read a lot.”

“I read too.”

Qian reached a hand to gently pat Yixing on the head, on his sheep winter hat. “Yeah, but manga and comics book don’t teach these things, do they?”

“Maybe some do.”

Their conversation got cut off when someone called Qian’s name.

“You have to go?”

She smiled tenderly at him, her only dimple forming on her left cheek. “I’ll see you again later, won’t I?”

Qian stood up and reached out a hand for Yixing to take. And when Yixing did, she was the last thing he saw.

Blurred figures took a clearer shape, colors come into life and Yixing blinked to chase away the sleepiness in his eyes. Once again, he woke up in Chanyeol’s and Kyungsoo’s bedroom. The painting with the butterflies hanging on the wall above the headboard greeted him.

What day was it?

Yixing had lost the perception of time ever since he had barged into his friends’ house like a madman and cried until his swollen eyes couldn’t bring themselves to shed another tear that evening. Amid his sobbing, he had managed to explain what had happened to Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Then, he recalled waking up later in his friends’ bedroom. Yixing couldn’t talk to anyone after that. Not even leave the room, unless it was for bathroom visits. God, he hadn’t even changed his party outfit. But there he laid, all sweaty and reeking on his friends’ bed. In there he had also eaten the meals he managed to ingest, and his friends had kept him company during those silent meals.

Yixing had fallen into that dark pitch of sadness that was knowing his sister was dead. Even if the years had passed, Yixing had firmly believed one day he’d meet Qian again. She’d see what he had done with his life these past time, and he’d help her get back on track and somehow recover the time she had lost. He had even imagined his parent’s face of inexplicable joy when he and Qian went to visit them. He had thought they’ll get another chance because the more he became an adult, the more the childhood memories were slowly fading. He thought he’d be able to recover it by creating new memories. Yet all of that had been crushed into pieces the moment Junmyeon told him his sister was dead. Yixing would never see her again, talk or hug her, only remember, reminiscence who she had been to him through the memories he had left, pictures or videos. That cold-hearted notion led Yixing to drown in his pain. All he did was to cry, sob or lay there lifelessly on the bed cursing life for having stolen so much from them.

But there had also been dreams. Most of the times it was only a short snippet he could remember after waking up. Or were those visions long-forgotten memories? Yixing couldn’t distinguish whether any of what he saw playing in his mind like a movie was real or just part of his imagination One day he had dreamed he could say goodbye to Qian before her leave, another it was Qian’s birthday, today he dreamt about her in a snowfield talking about snowdrops.

But unlike the other days in which Yixing woke up from his sleep, for the first time, he didn’t feel a tremendous urge to cry, scream and curse at the world for every injustice committed against them. Instead, he finally got a thought of what he wanted to do. He finally felt he could breathe. The lump in his throat wasn’t there anymore.

Qian was gone. Nothing could change that. And perhaps she was at a much better place than where she had been.

He got off the bed and stretched his body a couple times. His next move was to raise the blinds, letting sunlight to enter the room after a long time. The sunbeam coming from the window allowed him to distinguish motes floating around. While outside everything remained covered in a white mantel, after all, it was only the middle of December. Winter had only just begun, but he felt that a snowdrop may have bloomed far too early.

Yixing went to the bathroom. Staring at himself in the mirror he almost didn’t recognize the image. His face looked terrible. His eyes were red and swollen. His complexion had lost its glisten. Signs of stubble could be seen above his upper lips. Dark greasy hair. What an appearance. Thank heaven’s none of the kids had seen him like that. As Yixing eyed the room, he found a set of clothes on top of the towels. Kyungsoo must have left it there for him. He needed a bath right away.

A while later, feeling refreshed and clean, smelling like daisies (the body wash’s scent) Yixing walked into the kitchen. Chanyeol was there, cooking something on the stove.

“Hey Yixing,” Chanyeol said.

“Good morning.”

Yixing walked past the kitchen area and went to sit at the dining table. He saw Chanyeol pour the contents of the pan, scrambled eggs, on a plate and then filled a glass with apple juice.

“What day is it?” Yixing asked.

“Friday.”

Friday. He hadn’t left the room since Sunday.

Chanyeol took out buns from the oven. He put everything in front of Yixing and then sat down on the other end of the table with a cup of tea in hand.

“Thank you, Chan,” Yixing said before digging into the food that was probably meant for Chanyeol himself. It was tasty, he could distinguish the flavors at last.

“Where are the kids?”

“Sohee is at school. Dongwon is still sleeping,” Chanyeol said, holding up the video baby monitor for him to see.

“Is he sick?”

Chanyeol shook his head while sipping his cup of tea.

“Did you stay at home all week just for me?” He knew Chanyeol was no longer on paternity leave.

“Somebody had to keep an eye on you. Make sure you were safe and ate.”

“Thank you for taking care of me. And I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol grinned while shaking his head. “For what? What would friends be for then?”

“Well, definitely not to crash at your place, take over your bedroom, lock themselves in there and cry for days to come, on top of that totally ignoring personal hygiene.”

“We all have different ways of dealing with sadness. And our concept of friendship seems to differ, Xing.”

“I overstayed my welcome.”

“Had you tried to leave the Do-Park premises like that, and we would have been forced to tie you to the bed.”

For the first time in days, Yixing smiled. He took the last bite of his scrambled eggs before drinking the apple juice and reaching for a bun.

“How are you feeling now?”

Yixing let out a deep sigh while thinking about that. How was he feeling? He felt he wouldn’t be completely fine for some time, but at least he could say, “I got out of bed. I recovered my personal hygiene. I’m eating a bun and no longer feeling like… Crying, shouting or hitting the pillows.”

Chanyeol nodded. He took another sip. A silence settled between them while Yixing grabbed another bun to eat and Chanyeol finished drinking his cup of tea.

“I’m truly sorry for your loss, Yixing,” Chanyeol said, “Qian… She was amazing. Always so kind and vivid,” he began recalling.

Yixing dropped the bun on the table and felt how his vision blurred, the watery eyes again.

“Oh no, I just made you cry again,” Chanyeol stood up and went to hug him. Yixing sniffed against his friend’s shirt.

“No, these are good tears. You’re right, Qian was amazing. The best sister one could wish for. And now she’s gone. She’s been gone for a long time, and there’s nothing we can do except honor her memory.”

“We’ll keep her alive in our hearts.”

When Yixing felt strong enough to let go of Chanyeol, he dabbed his face clean with a napkin. Chanyeol then went to Dongwon’s room because the video baby monitor had warned of his son waking up. He returned with the baby in his arms. Before Chanyeol sat Dongwon on the baby chair, he asked if Yixing wanted to hold him. Yixing did.

Dongwon eyes stared at him curiously before letting out a chuckle, making Yixing reciprocate the act. Yixing distracted himself while cooing and playing with Dongwon. Babies always brought joy to him. He had dreamed of being a father himself one day but now… When Chanyeol had finished preparing the breakfast, he sat Dongwon on the baby chair to feed him. Yixing observed the baby eat for a while. Although Dongwon dropped some of the food, he was managing to eat on his own most of the time.

“I don’t know if it’s right of me to tell you this, Kyungsoo says it’s not, but Junmyeon called.”

Deep in the pit of misery, Yixing had blocked every thought of Junmyeon from his mind. He didn’t want to remember any of the fond memories they had had together. How he hated that despite his fury, he couldn’t shake off the love he felt for Junmyeon, it still lingered there amid the betrayal, anger, and deceit. Junmyeon’s teary eyes and voice of regret only made him less inclined towards feeling any hate at all. If only one could erase people from their hearts. As much as he’d rather forget everything involving him, Yixing needed to know more besides the fact that Qian was dead. His parents would like to know what had happened when he told them. And he remembered Junmyeon saying something about dark secrets and other nonsense, but whatever it was, he needed to hear it, even if it meant he’ll have to see him again.

“He did?” Yixing asked. He had turned off his phone that same night he arrived here just to avoid Junmyeon’s calls.

“Yeah, he tried with Kyungsoo first. And when Soo didn’t answer, he called me. Said something about needing to explain everything to you. But I told him you’ll be staying here for a while.”

Yixing nodded. “I’ll make sure to clean and tidy your bedroom before I leave.”

“You’re gonna go back to him? After what he did?” Chanyeol asked with annoyance.

“No. But I have to talk to him eventually. And I feel that whatever he has to say for himself, I’m gonna end up homeless.”

“You have a home here.”

Yixing smiled. “You and Kyungsoo have been sleeping on your couch way too long.”

“Hey, our sofa bed is quite comfortable. But we do have an extra bed down in the storage room. We can move Dongwon’s crib to our room and fix you a bed in there for now. Yixing, you can’t be alone at a time like this. It’s Christmas season! Be surrounded by your closest friends.”

As if agreeing with his father, Dongwon let out a scream, but also the food he was chewing on.

It wasn’t until next month that Yixing would be with his parents again and could get away from all this. He could use being around his second family. “My brothers, I’ll be surrounded by my brothers.”

Chanyeol grinned. “Then, once this chubby-cheeks here finishes eating, we’ll start fixing everything.”

Junmyeon couldn’t stop pacing around the hall. The doorman had just notified him that Yixing had entered the building and was heading up. After ten days they would finally see each other again. Junmyeon had been in such despair not knowing where Yixing had been, afraid that something had happened to him. But even after finding out his whereabouts, Junmyeon couldn’t keep calm. His first instinct had been to drive to Kyungsoo’s and Chanyeol’s apartment but thought better of it and decided to wait for Yixing to come to him. The waiting days had been distressing, his mind couldn’t be distracted by anything except the thought of Yixing. He didn’t let anyone, not even his mother, who had been worried about them, come to visit him in this pitiful state.

The bells rang, and the elevator doors opened. Junmyeon’s heart fluttered when Yixing’s gaze fell on him. Yet those brown eyes no longer reflected that adoration, that sparkle that used to be there.

“Yixing, you’re back,” Junmyeon spoke. He did his uttermost to stop the smile on his lips from forming, something told him Yixing wouldn’t reciprocate it. He did his uttermost to stop himself from surrounding his arms around Yixing’s body, leaning in and enveloping their lips in a long-awaited kiss.

“What do you have to explain?” Yixing asked, stepping out the elevator while crossing his arms.

Yixing’s harsh tone shouldn’t take Junmyeon by surprise, but it still affected him. He felt so small under Yixing’s derisive gaze.

“Can we talk in the living room?”

Luckily, Yixing followed him when Junmyeon walked over there. Their living room looked the same. Even in his worry, Junmyeon had made sure that all Yixing’s plants were adequately taken care off by his assistants.

“Do you want something to eat? Drink?”

“No,” was Yixing’s monosyllable answer.

Junmyeon nodded and took a seat on the couch next to him. Yixing scooted over until he was sitting on the further end of the couch. Junmyeon tried to not look hurt by the sudden action and instead took one deep breath.

“Yixing, I’m very sorry for lying to you. I was-”

“I’m not here to listen to any of your apologies, Junmyeon, if that’s all you gotta say,” Yixing cut him off, “Just tell me what happened with my sister or I leave.”

Junmyeon gulped, nodding his head faintly. “Okay, but please listen to me from the beginning.”

Yixing said neither yes or no, just continued staring at him.

He couldn’t help fidgeting with his fingers while talking. “I lied to you from the start. Neither Tao or I thought it was a good idea to set your sister free. Truth is, my real intentions were to lead you on into believing that. Because I thought that if you saw her once and… I said it was difficult to release her but could easily order it if I were chosen the Leader, then I could trick you into marrying me.”

Yixing mirthlessly smiled while shaking his head. Junmyeon continued explaining, though, telling Yixing about how over time he had come to fall in love with him, how his newfound feelings for Yixing had made him changed his mind, how he had meant every word when they decided to postpone the wedding. He had truly wanted to help Yixing reunite with Qian. Impatiently, he pestered Tao to tell him something, but only got vague answers in return. Until one day he got that call, and he knew.

Junmyeon told Yixing everything. About the Emotion Watches true purpose, about the rehabilitation facilities, about the dark history that involved Qian’s death. Whatever disdainful remarks Yixing had wanted to say while listening to that horrible story, he didn’t. Yixing kept all his words in, but the contempt in his eyes grew and grew with every word he heard. Yixing’s knuckles gleamed with how hard he was squeezing them. It was a good thing he had taken off his Emotion Watch the moment Junmyeon told him what they calculated. It was a good thing Junmyeon wasn’t wearing his because he knew the pain within him would reflect it in that yellow color.

By the time Junmyeon had nothing left to say, he wished Yixing had spoken, interrupted him to say what a disaster this country was, or that he agreed with Junmyeon that everything they had done was atrocious, just said something and not only stared at him in complete silence, despising him or the words he was saying. The sad, livid visage was more upsetting than not knowing what thoughts spun in Yixing’s head.

Until Yixing stood up, holding the watch in his hand, and Junmyeon got the feeling if he let him go, he’ll never see him again. Junmyeon reached forward and held his hand, standing up to look at him in the eyes.

“For months I felt so guilty. I wanted to tell you everything when I knew, Yixing. I really did. I just couldn’t because we worried that you would tell anyone. These secrets are dangerous. You could end up charged for treachery too. But I promise you that if I’m chosen, then I’ll make the right thing. I’ll make sure that-”

Yixing pushed away his hand. “Save it, Junmyeon! I don’t care what you’ll do, it won’t change the fact my sister was held basically captive only to be brainwashed. It won’t change that innocent people suffered a terrible death because people like you want to stay in power and will go to any lengths to do that!”

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon lamented.

“Stop saying you’re sorry!” Yixing yelled. He was struggling to hold in his tears. “How could I ever forgive you for any of this?”

It was Junmyeon’s turn not to let loose his tears.

“You lied to me for so long. You lied to me from the ing start!”

“I know. I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t avoid saying it. All Junmyeon wanted was to kneel down on the floor and continue apologizing, which he did. He kneeled, bowed and stared at the carpeted floor and Yixing’s shoes while saying, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Yixing didn’t say anything. Junmyeon could only continue apologizing like he had done once upon a time so long ago. Even while repeating the words, they didn’t lose their meaning. Until he felt Yixing’s arms grabbing his shirt and push him to kneel up.

Yixing drew so near to his face that when he breathed Junmyeon felt a breeze.

“There are some unforgivable things in this world. For you, it’s me kissing another man’s lips. For me, it’s you lying to my face and trying to fool me into thinking my dead sister is alive. You can keep apologizing forever, but I will never forgive this.”

And that was as far as Junmyeon could hold it in. Salty tears rolled down his cheeks and landed on top of Yixing’s hand. His brittle voice could only ask, “Do you hate me?”

Yixing let go of him and stood up again. He looked at the ceiling while he buried his hands on his face. After a long deep groan, Yixing said, “I hate that you lied to me. Not only about Qian but that you also tricked me into believing you could love me. I hate that I fell for all of your pretenses. And because of that, I can’t hate you. I hate that I actually came to give you my love. That’s the part I hate the most. Because you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it!”

With all the remorse in his heart, Junmyeon continued saying, “I’m sorry.”

“I was so mistaken. My initial hunch was damn right. You’re just a selfish, arrogant that just like all those selfish, arrogant s doesn’t care who they hurt on their way to get what they want. Because in your filthy world, the end justifies any means, right?!”

“I’m sorry.”

Yixing rubbed his eyes against his elbow. He laughed bitterly. “Oh god, you just bought me all this stuff and did everything to keep me content, didn’t you? So, I could never leave you, and if one day I found out the truth then you would say how you gave me everything and I should be grateful to you for ‘protecting’ me… You’re… You’re despicable.”

“I’m sorry.”

Yixing huffed, “You never truly felt anything for me, did you?”

I did, I did, I did. I loved you so much.

“I’m gonna make things really easy for you, Junmyeon. In the upcoming days, I’ll take all my belongings with me. And then I’ll keep my mouth shut just like you wanted. Nobody will ever know this. But in return, you’ll stay away from me and my friends. Don’t think for one second of coming near me again. I don’t want anything to do with you.”

Yixing took something out of his pocket and threw it on the wooden floor. When it landed, Junmyeon saw it had been his honeysuckle brooch.

“It’s over.”

Yixing stomped out of the room.

His chest stung. His tear-filled eyes couldn’t stop the flow. And he fell deeper and deeper while Yixing got away from him. Yixing couldn’t go. Yixing couldn’t leave. No, he had to stop him! At last, Junmyeon decided to overlook the haunting thoughts in his head and ran to catch Yixing in the hall.

“I love you, Yixing.”

He found the courage to utter the words he had never thought he’ll ever say out loud to anyone. The words just rolled off his tongue. Why hadn’t he told them sooner?

“Everything I feel for you, that’s the most honest part of me.”

Yixing didn’t say anything in return. No, he didn’t even turn around, but walked inside the elevator, pressed the button, and left.

I know based on some of the stuff I've written previously I might come across as some kind of ghoul that enjoys writing angst and suffering, which tbh is a lil accurate HAHAHA. But I'm actually pretty sensible and emotional too and well, it wasn't easy at all to write these recent chapters T.T ... Guess it doesn't help I'm listening to angsty songs while writing 🤕 But like Katy Perry once sang, After a hurricane comes a rainbow. Or at least my version of one.

Y no sé si alguien más me entenderá (aparte de ti, Nicky jeje) pero Perdón de Camila vino al azar mientras escribía, y vaya que hizo la última escena más dramática en mi cabeza jaja. En especial No espero amor ni odio, ya tengo bastante con mi dolor. Maldigo el episodio, lo peor es que yo fui quien lo escribió safgsdhgdf.