Reciprocated

He wouldn’t cry about this. It was nothing worth crying for. He wouldn’t cry about anything anymore, Junmyeon told himself as he watched the elevator doors. He blinked, trying to brush off the wet, salty sensation in his eyes. His fists remained closed in that tight grip. A fingernail was burying itself in his palm. It hurt. His Emotion Watch emanated that hideous yellow light with told him and everyone else he had lost his temper. He couldn’t lose control, not over this trivial matter, not again.

So, the gardener was fooling around with that idiot. If one took into account how much time those two cheaters had spent together, anyone might have suspected something earlier. Dumbly, Junmyeon hadn’t. Instead, he had wanted to believe in Yixing, in that Yixing had a sense of morality and would remain faithful to him even if neither of them loved each other. Junmyeon was going to do that. But maybe Yixing’s gentleness and big-heartedness were just for show. Maybe Yixing was an impostor who indulged in debauchery with men like Kim Jongin. What if they had fooled around here countless times, in his own house, laughing in bed together about how naïve Junmyeon was for falling in love with Yixing. Those thoughts upset his heart and fueled the rage boiling within him.

The tears were almost there, ready to roll down. When Junmyeon looked at his hands, he stopped squeezing them. There was a small cut on his right hand, just where his fingernail had dug, oozing a bit of blood. And yet it didn’t hurt. Meanwhile, his Emotion Watch continued shining yellow. Tao’s warnings, words said so long ago, came to his mind. He needed to cool off, to calm down. Otherwise, his fury could be interpreted as something else. But, god, he couldn’t let the sense of being fooled and trampled go away that easily. It was still there, torturing every fiber of his being.

For the first time ever, Junmyeon deliberately took off his Emotion Watch, and not because he was about to shower. And with that action, it seemed all the rage and wretchedness intensified. Not only was he angry with Yixing but also with himself. Falling in love had made him weaker, vulnerable and prone to cry over things that didn’t matter in the least. How weak had he become? Junmyeon squeezed the watch on his hand before throwing it on the floor not caring about the damage it may cause the device.

With quick steps, he walked into the living room. He stood in front of the wooden cabinet that stored all his liquor. It wasn’t usual that he drank. Most of the times it was just to enjoy a bottle of wine along with friends during their reunions or on rare occasions with Yixing during dinner. Drinking with Yixing. The memories of that night at the resort flashed through his mind. And Junmyeon felt disgusted with himself. He had to forget. Everything. Everyone. Him. For that, he’d need something stronger than wine. Something that can make him stop thinking, so he could ignore the image of Jongin and Yixing kissing. So, his brain could stop haunting him with false visions of those two sleeping together around his house.

He poured himself a glass of whiskey, leaving behind a blood stain on the bottle. He raised his glass and gulped some of it. His throat felt like burning, but the discomfort was incomparable to having a broken heart. If only the alcohol’s effects could kick in immediately.

Silently, Junmyeon remained in the same position near the cabinet, refusing to look around the living room. He took another sip from his glass, the taste the same as previously. His teary eyes contemplated the liquid’s brownish hue as the havoc within him still didn’t dissipate.

‘That’s why nobody loves you!’

The water droplets finally made its trail down his cheeks. The last words Junmyeon had ever heard from Jaemin had always been right. Ever since that day occurred, he knew he would always be unlovable. His family, his few friends, how could they genuinely love somebody like him after what he did, what he was? He didn’t deserve it, even if they reassured him they did, he didn’t deserve any of it. And for so many years Junmyeon had learned to live with that notion. So, why? Why did Yixing have to make him like this? Why did that gardener have to come, delude him into believing that despite everything, even just once, somebody could love him, that he could be loved, only to have his heart shattered in the end? He had done so well until now. He had-

“Junmyeon.”

Yixing’s soft voice interrupted Junmyeon’s thoughts, making him drop the glass he was holding. Crystal pieces scattered across the floor. He sniffled. He brushed away the tears with his hands. How great. Why did Yixing return? To mock him? To ridicule him? To say how stupid Junmyeon was for believing he could like him? Either way, Junmyeon didn’t want to see, hear or be near Yixing. He just wanted to be left alone. At some point, they had to talk again and continue their ‘relationship’ in front of the public as if nothing had changed. Junmyeon would learn to deal with his feelings by then. Right now, though, he needed to be away from Yixing. His room could be the only safe hiding place where nobody would speculate or ask him questions. Junmyeon turned around, looking at the floor, and then began to walk away.

“Junmyeon, wait!” Yixing exclaimed, stopping Junmyeon by holding his arm. “You misunderstood everything. There’s nothing-”

Junmyeon pulled his arm free from Yixing’s grip and dashed out of the living room. He wasn’t going to stand there and be lied to like a fool. As he walked, Junmyeon heard Yixing striding behind him, attempting to talk to him. But it was all deaf noise to Junmyeon.

When they went up to the second floor, Junmyeon thought of running to his room. Then, Yixing grabbed him again, this time surrounding his arms around Junmyeon’s upper body, almost like a back hug. He could feel Yixing’s respiration against his neck. He could sense Yixing’s chest against his back. The closeness agitated Junmyeon’s heartbeats. He hated it. Junmyeon fought to get free from Yixing.

“Please listen to me, Junmyeon,” Yixing said, holding Junmyeon firmly, “You were wrong! Jongin means nothing to me. Nothing is going on between us.”

And I wasn’t born yesterday, Junmyeon thought. He continued struggling to get free. The door to his room wasn’t far away, he just had to run. But damn it, Yixing was apparently stronger than him and kept him in place, his arms unable to move. “Stop it! Let me go!” he shouted at last.

Did Yixing listen to him? As it was customary, he didn’t.

“Not until we figure this out.”

Junmyeon huffed. “There’s nothing to figure out. I don’t want you near me. Just let go of me and go back to that stupid brat!”

“No!” Yixing said, “You have to understand that what happened earlier was a mistake. I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me. I, I…”

“I don’t care! Just get your dirty hands off me!”

“I like you not him!”

Yixing’s words almost echoed in the hallway. Junmyeon’s eyes widened. His heart skipped a beat. Earlier in the morning that had been everything he had wanted to hear. Those words were supposed to make him joyful. Happy. Glad. Currently, however, they felt like lies, hollow words. Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows.

“Shut up! Cut the crap and let me go.”

Oddly, Yixing let out a chuckle. That laugh usually made Junmyeon smile. Now it merely felt unpleasant, tearing apart a bit more of Junmyeon’s broken heart. Of course, Yixing was lying. He was just trying to make fun of Junmyeon, to trick him once again and then break him.

But Yixing startled Junmyeon when he kissed his head. “I’m not lying, Junmyeon. I fell in love with you. Those are my true feelings for you.”

Junmyeon shook his head. “No. No, they’re not.”

“Yes. Yes, they are!” Yixing said, “How can I make you believe me?”

“You can’t.” You must be lying, I’m not worthy, he thought.

Yixing sighed, his breathing hitting Junmyeon’s ear closely. “I’m still gonna try… I’ve never lied to you. Jongin and I are friends, or well, used to be friends. I’ve never seen him as something else but he, he did fall in love with me. Today he confessed it to me. And in a rush of feelings, he ended up kissing me.”

Junmyeon scowled. No, he didn’t want to be reminded of that haunting image again.

“But I don’t like him. What you saw was a misunderstanding. I didn’t even close my eyes and just-”

“Let him kiss you, yeah, right.” Junmyeon interrupted.

“I admit it, I should have put an end to it right away. But I was stunned, and then I heard you coming in and I just, I just froze there… I’m sorry you had to see that. In any case, I’ve already rejected Jongin, and he said it’s better if we’re not friends anymore. I guess that’s for the better.”

A part of Junmyeon’s mind recalled that first time he had kissed Yixing, and how the man had stayed frozen in place due to the shock. Could that have been the case here too? Also, those two weren’t even going to keep in touch anymore. So… No, no, Junmyeon! He said to himself.

“The bottom line is that I’ve never felt anything for Jongin. Nothing. Because it’s you who I want to be with, Junmyeon. It’s you I’m in love with.”

A warm sensation spread across Junmyeon’s cheeks. His heart continued accelerating. How could Yixing still have this effect on him? Junmyeon shouldn’t be falling into those sweet, sweet lies. “No… Why would you?”

“You’re right. Conceited, moody, bossy, and arrogant, you’re nothing like my ideal type.”

Junmyeon frowned once more. Was that answer supposed to help? “Well, defiant, scruffy, nagging, annoying gardener wasn’t my top choice either!”

This time Yixing laughed. And Junmyeon couldn’t understand the humor in the situation. But Yixing’s laugh was contagious, and he almost found himself smiling. Almost.

“Yes, we’re pretty different, but you made me fall in love with you anyway. How could I not? Because beneath those things, I’ve also seen how generous, considerate, hardworking and sweet you can be in your own way. And do you know how beautiful you are when you smile and laugh? Or how adorable you look when I tease you, or when you blush? And how you make me feel whenever we kiss? God, Junmyeon, you’re the one I’ve fallen in love with, despite how we started and everything else. I’m not lying to you. These are my honest feelings. Please believe me.” And the moment Yixing concluded that he let go of Junmyeon.

This was the perfect chance to run away, to go hide and shelter himself from more pain. But Junmyeon didn’t move. Instead, he blushed. He felt those tingling sensations in his stomach, that anxious heart. He hadn’t sensed any dishonesty in Yixing’s confession. And that sincerity almost made him forget all of his earlier insecurities and doubts. Maybe Yixing did love him. Or perhaps Yixing didn’t because Junmyeon didn’t deserve it. He felt like a pendulum, swinging from left to right, believing at one moment only to find himself at the other end soon, denying it.

He got startled when Yixing suddenly stood in front of him. Yixing stared at him with a warm smile on his lips, his dimples showing. Junmyeon loved to see him smile, and even know, he still did.

“I’m truly in love with you, Junmyeon.” Yixing raised his hand for Junmyeon to take it, “And because of everything that happened now, I hope you are too… Are you?” Yixing’s hand trembled a little when he asked that.

Junmyeon’s gaze shifted to Yixing’s hand. He felt leaning more and more towards believing that the man standing in front of him spoke the truth. That the incident earlier was a mistake. That Yixing had fallen in love with him against all the odds. And Junmyeon should simply jump into Yixing’s arms, kiss him and say he fell for him too. This was the perfect chance. This was his only chance quite frankly. And so, the pendulum stopped, but it wasn’t in the middle. Junmyeon gave up all sense. He took Yixing’s hand and dragged him across the hallway.

“What, what are you doing?” Yixing asked.

But Junmyeon didn’t speak. He didn’t say anything until they walked into Yixing’s room and then into the bathroom. Yixing’s face reflected confusion that didn’t vanish when Junmyeon explained himself.

“Brush your teeth.”

Usually, Yixing wouldn’t have done so unless he had questioned Junmyeon further on why. This time, however, he stood in front of the sink, he took his toothbrush, poured some toothpaste and began brushing his teeth. After a minute or so of brushing, he rinsed his mouth and the toothbrush.

“Okay, what-” Yixing tried to say, but the moment he turned around, Junmyeon jumped forward and held the back of Yixing’s head, enveloping their lips in a kiss. Yixing’s arms surrounded themselves around Junmyeon’s waist. When their mouths opened wider, tongues instantly greeted each other in a sultry movement. Just like last night, this wasn’t one of those tame kisses they gave in public, no, it was desperate, longing, bursting with feelings. They kissed until both were deprived of air. And Junmyeon instantly embraced Yixing, holding him tightly and resting his jaw on Yixing’s shoulder. Yixing hugged him back. It felt as if their chest were beating in synchronicity, their panting undoubtedly was.

“All-all this time I’ve been carrying these feelings with me. These sick feelings that made me lose my mind, my temper and myself in daydreams and pining. I’d close my eyes, and it would be you I’d see, I’d be kissing and hugging you just like this,” Junmyeon said, pressing himself even closer to Yixing. “Because… Because I feel the same, Yixing. You’re actually so kind and caring and, and you made me fall in love with you too.”

Junmyeon breathed out and closed his eyes. For the first time in his life, he had said that to someone. His confession was nothing like Yixing’s. It was quite bad. But it still was liberating, soothing to know it was out of his chest and Yixing felt the same. There were going to be complications, Junmyeon knew that’d be inevitable, but for now, it was fine. It was perfect.

In the time that followed, they continued hugging each other, still in Yixing’s bathroom in front of the sink. Junmyeon saw his face in the mirror and noted how awful he looked with traces of a runny nose and teary eyes. Yet he had still kissed Yixing like that. And it didn’t matter because now he could kiss Yixing whenever he wanted. No more silent yearning, no more lovesickness. Now, he was with Yixing. He smiled widely.

Yixing interrupted the quietness with a chuckle. “Aren’t we dumb?” he asked.

“The dumbest.” Junmyeon laughed along with Yixing.

“Can I ask why you made me brush my teeth?”

Junmyeon frowned a little. “You had Jongin bacteria all over you, I wasn’t going to kiss you like that.”

Again, Yixing’s laugh resonating in the room, and Junmyeon’s lips curved into a smile, even though that awful image had reappeared once again. But he’ll learn to live with it, and hopefully also forget it one day.

“So, does this mean you have forgiven me now? About that ki-kiss,” Yixing said, his voice quivering at the end.

“It’s unforgivable.”

Yixing gulped, and his body tensed a little.

“But you said it was a mistake… And mistakes are inevitable. So, there’s really nothing to forgive.” He wouldn’t hold any grudges against Yixing. Jongin, on the other hand, Junmyeon couldn’t promise the same.

Yixing sighed. He leaned himself closer to Junmyeon’s shoulder. “We have to cook something for us. You can’t drink on an empty stomach.”

As always, Yixing was looking after him. His lips curved upwards once again. “I only drank two sips before you startled me and made me drop the glass. But I could use some food right now.”

Their hug finally broke. Yixing suggested for them to go down and see what he could make. Junmyeon nodded, but told Yixing to go first, he had a face to wash.

Maybe it was Yixing’s delicious food or the small dose of alcohol in his system, but after eating lunch, Junmyeon couldn’t keep his eyes open while they sat in the couch, watching some uninteresting music competition TV-show Yixing liked. He ended up falling asleep, his head leaning against Yixing’s shoulder and still finding it the most pleasant place to fall asleep at.

By the time Junmyeon woke up, he was laying on the couch by himself. Yixing had tucked him with a blanket. He looked around the living room, hoping to see his boyfriend… Boyfriend. Earlier, while Yixing was cooking, they had talked about what their relationship was now. The most logical answer, one that they both agreed was to start dating as boyfriends. The wedding and the missing sister brought up new questions to both. Had Junmyeon made some progress in the search? Would there be a wedding even if Junmyeon failed to meet the deadline, in just thirty days? However, none of those questions were uttered. It was a discussion both preferred having another day. Today had occurred too much. Knowing they were in love with each other and agreeing to be boyfriends was enough. It still felt surreal to think about it. But it was real. Every little happening to this day had happened, even the unpleasant ones. The sticking plaster with bunny patterns on Junmyeon’s right hand was more than enough proof. The moment Yixing had noticed his meaningless cut, he had left the kitchen and ran to get a bandage to prevent it from bleeding further. Those sticking plasters were mostly used for Sohee, therefore the childish design.

Junmyeon stood up from the couch. He stretched his arms and yawned. When he stared at the coffee table, he saw his Emotion Watch laying there. Yixing must have put it there because Junmyeon had no recollection of doing that. He grabbed the watch and put it back on. Minutes later he confirmed it wasn’t broken, thankfully. It shone white before the screen turned off. Well, he wasn’t upset anymore, so that was expected.

His first instinct had been to find Yixing upstairs, but once he looked at the terrace, he saw Yixing was outside. Junmyeon walked over there. The sun was setting, giving the whole skyline an orange hue. Yixing watered the plants in the terrace while he hummed to a song Junmyeon couldn’t recognize.

He strode forward and surrounded his arms around Yixing, enveloping him a comfortable, warm, back hug. He rested his head against Yixing’s hair, inhaled a bit of his shampoo’s fragrance before settling for leaning on Yixing’s shoulder. He could do this now. He could hold Yixing this close, have him in a hug all for himself.

Yixing chuckled a little. “Good morning or night I guess… Boyfriend.”

“Good night, bo-boyfriend,” Junmyeon muttered. He felt his cheeks burning. It would probably take a bit of time to get used to this without feeling shy, but he was happy nonetheless.

“I tried to save your bouquet of roses. Sadly, most of them were too trampled and crushed to survive. Only one remained intact.”

Junmyeon hadn’t expected anything else. After all, he had stepped on them when he had angrily forced Yixing and Jongin in the elevator. “They were for you. Which reminds me, I’m so sorry for pushing you into the elevator.” If this had been any other person, Junmyeon probably wouldn’t have apologized, Jongin for example. But this was Yixing, his boyfriend.

“Oh… It’s a pity about the roses. And about the elevator, you were angry. That shouldn’t justify anything, but I understand it.”

“I’ll buy you more flowers to make up for both things.”

“But I already own a flower shop, Junmyeon,” Yixing laughed.

Junmyeon smiled; he would still do it. He closed his eyes and immersed himself in the elation of finally being like this. Sure, the day had started terribly, with broken hearts here and there, and he would have committed a big mistake had Yixing not forced him to listen, but right now, right now everything had turned out to be alright. Their feelings were reciprocated which was the most important. Everything seemed to be going perfectly.