Feelings

Junmyeon opened his eyes but instantly closed them. The piercing sunlight coming through the windows, and the throbbing headache hurt him. Carefully, he rubbed off the sleep in his eyes with his hands. He yawned. And when he had become entirely conscious, he realized it. This wasn’t his room; his room wasn’t on the first floor. Then he felt suffocated by the arm that was holding his waist, and the leg that surrounded his lower body. But what was scarier, was the prominent bulge pressing against his .

He turned his head to the side and he almost, almost screamed when his face was only a little distance away from Yixing. A sleepy and drooling Yixing was lying next to him, or actually spooning him tightly in a warm embrace.

What the hell? He thought. His heart became an instant agitated mess.

From the deepest parts of his brain, he tried to recall what had happened. Why was he in bed with Yixing? Why were they spooning and only clad in boxers? As he panicked, some blurry memories from last night erupted in his mind. He remembered their late-night dinner at the fast food restaurant. He remembered Yixing feeling bummed out because of his parents, and how he tried to cheer him up. He also recalled they began drinking a bunch of stuff when they had returned to their villa.

But the many, many, hot kisses. The way his and Yixing’s tongue fondled in the most game ever. The sensation of Yixing’s lips leaving behind love bites on his chest. The feeling of his hands roaming every part of Yixing’s soft skin. The way he had grabbed Yixing’s while Yixing laid on top of him and their lower bodies moved in synchrony, ing each other until a jolt of pleasure mixed with loud moans ended everything. That hadn’t been remnants of a heated dream. That had happened. It became more real when Junmyeon looked down his chest and saw red spots on it.

Instantly, Junmyeon rolled off the bed, away from Yixing’s grasp, only to hit the cold ceramic floor. A terrible move, considering the headache he suffered. He thought Yixing would have woken up, but Yixing had merely turned around and continued sleeping. The next thing Junmyeon did was to stand up. He grabbed his pants and shoes from the floor but couldn’t find his shirt. Then he flounced his way out of Yixing’s room and back to his own.

What the hell? He thought again.

The rest of the morning, Junmyeon calmed down. Now that he thought things clearly, he and Yixing had slept together, sort of. And he… He didn’t exactly regret it. However, what would Yixing say? The man had made a big fuss about them kissing. What was going to happen now? Well, when Yixing had finally woken up, he acted as if last night he hadn’t shamelessly moaned on top of Junmyeon. Couldn’t Yixing remember it? To clear up doubts, Junmyeon tried to bring up the topic without exactly saying it. He asked Yixing how he had slept, Yixing answered okay but had a horrible hangover. After some questions, Junmyeon concluded Yixing didn’t remember anything, nothing, it was blank! And it made him slightly disappointed that Yixing didn’t consider it important enough to remember. But how could Junmyeon tell him they had done that? This wasn’t the case of a one-night stand from his college years, where he had put it aside and hadn’t seen that person ever again. This was Yixing. They lived together. They were going to get married, even if it was only on paper. Besides, since the beginning of their deal, Junmyeon knew he couldn’t get involved with him in any way. It was better if Junmyeon didn’t say anything, it didn’t mean anything. After all, it was just the heat of the moment.

The rest of the holiday, Junmyeon had pretended nothing happened. To hide the evidence of the act, his hickeys, he didn’t remove his t-shirt when they were on the beach. Even though, Yixing, Sohee and everyone else, always asked if he wasn’t feeling warm. Damn it, of course, he was! But how could he explain the red marks on his torso? He couldn’t say it was because of Yixing. So, Junmyeon had to endure it. Even so, he had enjoyed the rest of the holiday, sort of. Because at the same time, the memory of that night seemed impossible to erase, which made things incredibly awkward when he saw Yixing on the beach, or in the pool. But even when they were doing something else, like horse-riding, eating, or whatever, he found himself unable to take his eyes off Yixing, and he found himself doing things like dumbly smiling at him. That drunken night had started a chain of reactions and emotions that would eventually lead Junmyeon to realize one thing. A terrible thing.

After returning from their holidays, going back to work and retaking his responsibilities, Junmyeon thought he was getting sick. He always felt those nauseating feelings: he had started to sweat a little more, his heart beat like a jackhammer, he lost a bit of his appetite, he had trouble concentrating, his cheeks turned warm every now and then. Everything could be symptoms of some terrible illness. Well, he wasn’t going to sit and wait until it struck him. Therefore, Junmyeon made an appointment with his doctors. He conducted some tests, he talked to professionals. Then, two weeks later, he found out that he couldn’t be healthier. Everything was fine.

But why did he still feel that way? The symptoms didn’t go away. His doctor told him to consider the situations that triggered those reactions during the day. And all those things had been in Junmyeon’s mind for the last couple of days.

Today he realized why.

Junmyeon stared at Yixing, who spoke about something that happened at the flower shop earlier. He didn’t pay much attention but instead enjoyed seeing the little quirks Yixing did while he ate. It brought him an inexplicable elation.

“Hey, could you pass me the water pitcher, Junmyeon?”

Yixing’s soothing voice interrupted his thoughts. Junmyeon put down his fork and knife. He reached out to grab the pitcher. The moment he felt Yixing’s hand touching him, he let go of the pitcher. Water spattered across the table.

“Oh!” Yixing exclaimed, “I’ll clean it right away.”

Junmyeon stood up. He had to get out of there. “I-I’m done. See you tomorrow.”

“Huh? But you haven’t eaten more than a few bites.”

“I’m not hungry,” Junmyeon said, already walking away from the dining room. He could hear Yixing faintly saying okay.

Walking into his room, Junmyeon threw himself on the bed. He buried his face in his pillow, doing his utter best to not shout.

The nervous wreck and clumsy idiot he seemed to be around Yixing nowadays was becoming more visible. Dropping the water pitcher because of touching Yixing’s hand, come on! How ridiculous. It also hadn’t help that the Emotion Watch on his wrist gave away what he felt, and it lightened up yellow near Yixing. Junmyeon didn’t like taking off the watch, even though it wasn’t necessary to use it at home. So, Yixing had noticed it earlier. But Junmyeon had brushed it off, saying that work had become stressful recently. Although Junmyeon knew very well that wasn’t the cause.

What Junmyeon had realized these days, was that slowly but surely Yixing had become the cause of those symptoms. Yixing was the reason of those uncomfortable palpitations in his heart, that tickling sensation in his abdomen, the fact he didn’t want to let go of Yixing when they kissed in public, or the yearning to kiss Yixing whenever he wanted, to hold him and do so much else. Yixing was that reason. And Yixing made him feel those revolting, warm, fuzzy and gushy… Feelings. As if that wasn’t enough, whenever Yixing wasn’t around, Junmyeon missed him. He didn’t feel like eating, and couldn’t concentrate at work, even though he knew he’ll see Yixing soon. Yixing invaded his mind and thoughts, even his dreams. Yixing smiling, Yixing laughing, Yixing kissing him, Yixing holding him, Yixing in his arms, everything seemed to revolve around Yixing, Yixing, Yixing! And Junmyeon hated he couldn’t control those emotions, he couldn’t put it aside like he used to do with everything else.

So, no, Junmyeon knew he wasn’t sick. Instead, he had these feelings because of Yixing. And it couldn’t be more wrong. His whole life he had managed to avoid it… But that obstinate gardener! And now, how could he erase those feelings? How could he make his heart stop beating frantically whenever Yixing came close to him? How could he stop thinking about Yixing whenever he wasn’t around him? How could he get away from Yixing when they had to live under the same roof?

Junmyeon turned around to lay on his back. He sighed in exasperation. Everything had gotten messed up since that drunken night, or maybe since a long time ago. He just didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

“How to shut down feelings? Why do you wanna know that?” Yifan’s inquisitive voice asked. He had an eyebrow raised.

“Curiosity. I’ve been… Thinking about the human emotions. And aren’t you soon going to become a neurologist, Yifan? You should know,” Junmyeon said.

“Yeah, I am. But becoming emotionally numb to everything is not something I’d recommend just anyone.”

“Besides, aren’t you already good at controlling your emotions, Junmyeon? You’re pretty good at controlling your temper. It doesn’t take you a lot to change your Emotion Watch back to white again,” Tao said this time, squinting his eyes.

Maybe his friends knew him far too well. They knew he was hiding something. Junmyeon hadn’t dared to tell them yet, he hadn’t even admitted it to himself out loud. But the only ones Junmyeon could feel safe talking about his nauseating feelings were Yifan and Tao. They wouldn’t tell anyone about it, and well, they also knew why he and Yixing were together in the first place. “I am, but this… This is something else. Something beyond my capacity to control. It’s mad loose, and it’s been driving me crazy ever since I realized the cause.”

“What?” Yifan and Tao said in unison.

Junmyeon took in a deep breath. Well, here we go, he told himself. “I, I have these feelings for Yixing, okay?” He closed his eyes, not daring to see the laughter or amused expressions on his friends. But nothing happened, no laugh or jokes were thrown.

“You what?” Yifan asked.

When Junmyeon opened his eyes again, he saw both Yifan and Tao staring at him with bafflement on their faces. “Oh, you two heard me loud and clear.”

“Unbelievable,” Tao uttered. His lips curved into a grin. “You actually fell for him! And you’re admitting it!”

“I have not fallen for him! I just have these feelings for him that need to go away, so they stop disturbing my peace.”

“What kind of feelings?” Yifan asked.

“Well you know, just annoying feelings.”

“So, you’re constantly mad at him? Does he annoy you a lot?” Yifan continued.

“No. Well, at first he did, but not anymore.”

“Then what?”

So, Junmyeon went ahead and explained everything to them, although he did skip the part about ‘sleeping’ with Yixing.

Tao laughed. “Oh, my god, Junmyeon, I’m pretty sure all that is called love.”

Love! That sounded far more troublesome, much more severe. He only harbored feelings for Yixing, but that wasn’t love, was it? “I don’t love him.”

“No, not yet. You’ve just fallen in love with him. That’s why you can’t stop thinking about him, that’s why you want him near and when he is you become a big mess. Those feelings you have for him, it just means you’re in love with him,” Tao explained.

In love with Yixing. Oh no. It couldn’t be. “Let’s say hypothetically I am, but that’s why you should help me shut it down!”

“Why?” Yifan asked.

“Because it interferes with everything I do. It’s annoying and I just wanna to go back to being myself.”

“Well, too bad we can’t help you there,” Tao said. “Matters of the heart cannot simply be ‘shut down.’”

“Can’t Yifan just give me some medicine that makes me numb to my feelings? Don’t those exist?”

“But that’s only for specific patients. You’re not one of them. You’re not sick, only lovesick,” Yifan said. “It’s astonishing, and unlike you, I must say. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say you like someone. I honestly doubted you ever would, but I still think it’s great you’ve fallen for Yixing! There’s nothing wrong with falling in love, you know. And that’s the whole point of being with your perfect match, that you end up falling for each other in the end.”

Well, the System never got anything wrong. Junmyeon had just never expected he would actually fall for ‘the gardener.’ There was a problem. “Except you’re forgetting, Yixing isn’t in love with me.”

“How do you know that?” Yifan wondered.

“Because he hasn’t shown any of the feelings I’ve gotten.” Making him flustered didn’t really count. Yixing got flustered over anything. And he had easily forgotten about that night, Junmyeon thought. “I also recall him saying he would never like me.” Then again, Junmyeon had said the same but look at the outcome. “Plus, I told you, the proposal failed, and he’s only with me until I get him what he wants. If I don’t get it, I’m sure he’ll leave in the snap of a finger.”

“Then make sure he doesn’t go, and get him what he wants. What was it, anyway? You never said it.”

Tao shot him a menacing glare. Of course, Junmyeon wasn’t going to say what it was. The fewer people who knew, the better. But he got saved by the bell when Yifan’s phone rang. After that conversation, Yifan said they needed him at the hospital immediately.

“Look Junmyeon, just talk to Yixing. I’m not gonna give you medicine to numb your feelings, and I hope you don’t go search for it anywhere else. It would mess with your head, I’m warning you! Just be honest about what you feel. That’s what I did with Tao, and look how that turned out.” Yifan grabbed Tao’s hand and kissed it, smiling tenderly. “You’ve been alone for so long, don’t let this chance go.” Then Yifan said goodbye and Tao followed him to the main door.

Meanwhile, Junmyeon thought about those words. Could he really allow himself to do that? To tell Yixing what he felt and expect a happily ever after? That sounded far more ridiculous than admitting his feeling for Yixing. Besides, Junmyeon knew he didn’t deserve to be loved, to live happily ever after as if he hadn’t-

“You can’t do it, Junmyeon,” Tao’s voice interrupted Junmyeon’s thoughts.

“What?”

“Give Yixing what he wants. I’m not gonna change my mind about releasing his sister.”

“I know that, Tao.” He wasn’t expecting it either. “How’s the search going by the way? Did you find anything?”

“I think the less you know about it, the less probability we’ll get in trouble… But I can say I’m halfway there.”

Junmyeon nodded.

“And regarding you being in love, I also think it’s great.” He smiled, but it got later replaced with a concerned face. “Honestly, we’ve always been worried about you ever since Jaemin’s death. You became-”

“Please, don’t.” Junmyeon looked away. He never liked talking about that matter with anyone but himself.

“Sorry. But whatever it is you’re blaming yourself for, it wasn’t your fault. You deserve to be truly happy. Jaemin would have wanted that too,” Tao said with a soft voice.

You don’t know anything, Tao, Junmyeon thought.

“And if Yixing managed to make you go on that holiday with his friends when I, Yifan and your parents have constantly failed to do so, then he is more valuable to you than you think. You’re really in love with him. Those feelings you say you have, that is love. And you should go for it. See what happens! Expose yourself to be vulnerable for once in your life. Persuade him to feel the same. Who knows, you might actually end up happily married after all.”

That might sound probable in those romantic stories Yixing read. But this was the real life, and life never turned out the perfect way. Junmyeon should know that. “Tao. He’s going to hate me when he realizes I’m not bringing his sister back.”

“Maybe… But didn’t you say it? By the time he does, it’ll be too late. And if Yixing ends up loving you, he might even forgive you.”

“And if he doesn’t? I’ll be tied down to someone who despises me for the rest of my life.”

“Well… Isn’t that what was going to happen, even if you hadn’t fallen for him?”

Junmyeon widened his eyes. That was true. Yixing was going to hate him either way. Why did that notion hurt him? He hadn’t care much about it before. Now, though, he didn’t want to lose the friendship or whatever relationship he and Yixing had built. He feared to know that one day Yixing would only look at him with nothing but despise in his eyes. He didn’t want that. He could barely manage to be around moody Yixing, how could he handle to be with the Yixing that hated him forever? That would break him, he wanted to be with Yixing, the Yixing he knew. That emotion was far stronger than the guilt he had been carrying for so long. So strong that Junmyeon decided to consider Tao’s words about everything. He really was in love with Yixing, and he didn’t want to lose him. But, the one thing Yixing wanted the most, he couldn’t give it to him. Therefore, maybe Tao’s idea didn’t sound all that crazy. If he managed to make Yixing fall in love with him too, would Yixing forgive him?