Breaking hearts

‘I’m practicing, practicing kissing you.’ Junmyeon’s words resounded in Yixing’s head since last night. It seemed that was the only thing he heard amid silence. Ten minutes had passed after he had returned from dropping the centerpieces at the wedding. Usually, Yixing would have driven to the flower shop and left the van back there, but he had been too eager to see Junmyeon. So, he had gone home directly. Yet here he was, sitting in the parking lot, a bit hesitant to go out.

Yixing just needed a few minutes time to think with clarity. Last night’s kiss had been intense, passionate and Yixing wanted to believe it had also made Junmyeon feel what he had felt. The kiss had to imply something, it couldn’t only be ‘practice’ as Junmyeon had said. Besides, they weren’t in public, Junmyeon had no reason to kiss him other than because he had wanted to. Yixing hoped Junmyeon had wanted to. There was also the fact that Junmyeon had been jealous of him and Jongin, to the point they hadn’t even spoken in days. That had made Yixing worried, unhappy, and he hadn’t lied when he had said he missed Junmyeon tremendously.

But it had all gotten so confusing, Yixing had to confront Junmyeon about everything. He needed to know where they were standing in their fake relationship, if it had changed or not because for him it somehow had. He knew that he had some sort of infatuation with Junmyeon. Yixing knew that. Yixing had felt it. The strangest thing was that Junmyeon was the opposite of the person he had expected to be with. Junmyeon was nothing like who he had thought he’d marry yet Yixing still wanted to be with him. So, the System had been correct. Perhaps it was true what they said about opposites attract. Maybe it was true that love could be irrational.

He still hesitated. After all, how could Yixing forget that Junmyeon had said he would never love him? Could something like that change? Based on the things Junmyeon had done for him like apologizing, helping him last night and kissing him unexpectedly, could that signify things had changed? Could Junmyeon feel the same way for him? Be attracted to him? Maybe, maybe even love him at some point in the future? A part of Yixing thought it could be possible, achievable. But, what if Yixing brought up the topic only so Junmyeon ended up mocking him, laughing and saying that he would never fall in love with someone like him? And so he’d end up utterly humiliated.

He let out a groan and rested his head against the steering wheel. Compared to what Yixing had expected about meeting his soulmate through destiny and fate, falling easily in love and being happy, this was nothing like that. It was more complicated. It hadn’t even been love at first sight. It might also not be mutual. Yixing took one deep breath. Nevertheless, rather than waiting for the situation to shift into a much complicated and confusing state, he should take matters into his own hands. He had always preferred to be direct and honest with himself, and that was what he should do now. Another deep breath. Yixing gathered all his courage and left the vehicle. With firm steps, he headed towards the elevator that took him upstairs to the lobby. He had to do this. He would do this.

Back at the penthouse, though, Yixing soon found out it was empty. He had first searched in the living room, the kitchen, the office, Junmyeon’s room, his own room, and elsewhere, but nobody was there. Not even while shouting his name had Junmyeon answered. He suspected Junmyeon was working out or had gone out somewhere to eat lunch. So, Yixing threw himself on one of the couches in the living room, letting out a sigh. He’ll have to wait for Junmyeon’s return. He saw his Emotion Watch not lighting anything at all, the screen was still turned off, which meant it was ‘white.’ Even while feeling a turmoil of things, the watch never seemed to change colors. For a long time, Yixing had assumed it was broken, but while Kyungsoo had worn it, the artifact had indeed worked. He didn’t complain, however. It was a relief to know his nervousness could not be noted by anyone, especially right now.

The ding sound of the elevator’s door opening made Yixing swiftly jump up. His heartbeats quickened. He nervously sat up straight on the couch, waiting, but then the sound of a voice calling his name made him stand up. It was Jongin who had come up, not Junmyeon. How strange, Yixing thought. Over the days, Yixing had called Jongin to know how he was feeling and such, Yixing had even returned to the hospital to visit Jongin’s mother one more time. What could he be doing here?

Yixing walked into the hallway to meet Jongin. He saw Jongin standing there, who instantly smiled at him.

“Hi Yixing.”

“Jongin,” Yixing said, smiling back and now standing in front of him, “What are you doing here?” Junmyeon would surely not be happy to know his old high school ‘nemesis’ was in his house, even if Junmyeon had said one of the rules in the house was that Yixing could do as he pleased. “And I’m not trying to be rude, but how did you get in?”

Jongin brought up a black card key from his pocket. “We have special keys at the Security Department. It gives us access to all secured doors in hotels, houses, and elevators, among other things.”

Yixing nodded. He wasn’t even surprised to know that, this country didn’t know limits otherwise those watches wouldn’t exist. What Yixing mostly thought about was how Junmyeon would return soon. So, it might be better if nobody was visiting, particularly not Jongin. Yet Yixing couldn’t kick someone out rudely. Maybe after having a small talk with Jongin, he’d leave. Yixing asked Jongin about his mother, even though from their brief calls and last visit, Jongin had explained a bit. Jongin’s mom hadn’t suffered a heart attack, but she had stress cardiomyopathy. It could still have fatal consequences, though. Rest, and no stress was essential. So, Jongin’s mom had stayed at the hospital for observation. Jongin had stayed by her side the whole time. Eventually, she had improved and was doing considerably better. And yesterday, she could go home to rest there instead. Jongin would continue taking care of her for the time being. Today, he had come home to grab a few things before going back to his mother’s house.

“I’m so happy she is doing better, Jongin. Please send her my best wishes.”

“Thank you, Xing. I’ll tell her.”

After smiling at each other, a brief silence fell. Yixing was still wondering why Jongin was standing there, though. Junmyeon might come back home any moment now. “So… Is there something else you needed to tell me?”

“Yes. I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. For all your support. For accompanying me that day, staying in touch with me and even revisiting my mother when you didn’t have to do any of that.”

Yixing shook his head. “It’s nothing. I was glad to be a little helpful, I know you would have done the same for me, right?” He smiled.

Jongin breathed in and out as if getting ready to do say something vital, crucial. “I would… But would it have been for the same reasons?”

“Huh?”

Jongin’s gaze, his brown irises burning with determination, fell on Yixing’s eyes. “Yixing, I apologize if I come too straightforward now, but I do not like dwelling on doubts and what ifs, and I can’t stand this anymore.” Suddenly, his expression softened, a tender smile appeared on his lips. “I’ve fallen in love with you. Your kindness, your gentleness, your playfulness, your selflessness, the way you smile and laugh, the way you remain true to yourself even though you were brought into this elitist world, the way you so eagerly explain to me about flowers, everything you are, Zhang Yixing, has me enamored.”

Oh no, Yixing thought. He blinked repeatedly. He remained quiet, dazed, staring at Jongin wide-eyed, while Jongin’s eyes stared at him with a look of love? Jongin wasn’t joking; he wasn’t laughing, saying it was all a prank. He hadn’t even hesitated to say that; his Emotion Watch didn’t change. Jongin was in love with him. How could that be possible? Weren’t they supposed to be friends?

“Yixing, what you feel for me, it’s something I haven’t been able to decode entirely. I’d like to believe that all this time we’ve spent together, all the care you’ve shown to me are not only on the friendly affection level. I hope it isn’t. I hope it could be more. Because I know this marriage is not something you two are doing out of sheer love. I know Junmyeon, I’ve learned to get to know you too. And I suspect you two must have some type of agreement behind all this.”

Yixing’s jaw dropped, he still wasn’t able to articulate a sentence. How had Jongin known that? Nobody did, besides a few trusted people. Were his deduction skills so great that was why Jongin worked for the Security Department?

Jongin took one step forward, invading Yixing’s personal space, his eyes were still firm on Yixing. “Because how can you love someone so arrogant, selfish, vain, and conceited? Someone, who disregards everyone’s feelings but his own. What is there to love?”

A lot. There was so much hidden underneath the surface that Junmyeon couldn’t be reduced to what Jongin was saying, even if that had been Yixing’s own impression at first. It took time to make Junmyeon get out of his shell, but Yixing knew what Jongin was saying wasn’t the entire truth, maybe it was even far from it. Yixing closed his hand into a fist, he furrowed his eyebrows. He was just about to say something when Jongin continued speaking.

“I cannot imagine you, of all people, loving someone like that. Just like I cannot imagine him loving you back because… Come on, it’s Kim Junmyeon we’re talking about. I’m pretty sure he’s uttered his disappointment and displeasure in being with someone like you at some point… He will never be able to love you, Yixing. You will never be happy with him. He’s not for you, even if the System has said so. I don’t believe it. And deep down, neither do you, right?”

Junmyeon had said so. In the beginning. When things still hadn’t changed much. When Junmyeon didn’t admit his wrongdoings, when Junmyeon didn’t offer to cook meals, to help him at work, to defend him from pretentious bullies, when Junmyeon didn’t unexpectedly take the chance to kiss him. No. Unless Junmyeon said that himself, Yixing wasn’t going to believe it. He refused to accept Jongin’s reasoning even if a part of his brain was mocking him for not admitting that… It sounded more reasonable than his own assumptions.

Jongin raised his hands to caress Yixing’s cheeks, holding him. But his touch was empty for Yixing, it didn’t bring him any of the warmness Junmyeon’s had done last night.

“Meanwhile Xing, I, I’ve fallen in love you, and only you. I think we are the ones who belong together. I think you and I could be much happier together. I wouldn’t care that I might lose my job and status for choosing to be by your side because Xing, I’ll be more than happy to only have you and nothing else. I don’t care about the backlash, only about you. Because I’ve fallen in love with you.”

Yixing hadn’t done so, though. He hadn’t fallen in love with Jongin, even though realistically speaking Jongin resembled more closely what Yixing had dreamed of in a partner. Perhaps Jongin had a point about them, but all this time, Yixing had seen him as a close friend, nothing more, nothing else. Instead, Yixing’s heart had gotten captivated by someone else, someone his complete opposite. And he had still fallen for him. Despite the fact he would break his friend’s heart, Yixing had to reject him. But again, Jongin was quicker than him. It took less than two seconds for Jongin to lean forward, enveloping Yixing’s lips in a kiss, catching him off guard.

It was a kiss that didn’t cause Yixing any emotional effect. He felt nothing, absolutely nothing. He couldn’t even close his eyes like Jongin had done. Those lips weren’t Junmyeon’s. That fragrance wasn’t Junmyeon’s. That touch wasn’t Junmyeon’s. And it felt so utterly wrong. Yixing put his hands between them and tried to push Jongin away, ready to lecture him on why it was wrong to kiss an engaged person when he heard the ding sound again, the elevator doors opening. Yixing felt his heart hammering in his chest. For a moment he went numb. Only Junmyeon could be standing there, although he hoped it wasn’t. When he recovered his senses, realizing the compromising position they were at, Yixing used more force to push Jongin away, putting an end to that unwanted kiss.

Jongin stepped aside to stand next to him. Yixing could finally see Junmyeon. He gulped, feeling a sense of terrible guilt invading him. There was a bouquet of roses on the floor. Junmyeon’s eyes glistened under the elevator light. He had his mouth open. He was squeezing his fists, so hard, Yixing got worried his nails were stinging his hand. Junnyeon’s gaze was on Jongin, not Yixing. An eerie silence settled between them, in which for a long time they merely stared at each other. Junmyeon at Jongin, Jongin at Junmyeon, and Yixing at Junmyeon.

“Jun-” Jongin tried to say, but Yixing interfered.

“Is not what you think, Junmyeon! We weren’t-”

As fast as he could, Junmyeon stomped out of the elevator. His thick eyebrows formed a frown. His lips came together in a thin line. And he grabbed Jongin by the shirt, looking at him with a loathing in his eyes Yixing had never seen. It made him feel a bit scared. Jongin didn’t battle as Junmyeon firmly held his shirt, dragging him to the elevator, and pushed him inside fiercely. Jongin’s back hit the elevator wall. Then, just as quickly, Junmyeon went to grab Yixing by his arm. He still didn’t look at Yixing but proceeded to pull him.

“Junmyeon, I-”

“I said you could do whatever the you wanted, but if you’re gonna around, then at least have the decency to not do it under my roof!” Junmyeon raged, throwing Yixing inside the elevator.

Jongin caught Yixing before he landed on the floor. Junmyeon pressed the button down. And when Yixing tried to turn around, stand up and run to Junmyeon, Jongin held him in place. The elevator doors closed while Yixing saw the look of pure disgust on Junmyeon’s face. It stung his heart.

Yixing breaths hastened. His heartbeats were still a mess. And all he could think of was that he needed to go back. To tell Junmyeon everything was a mistake. To say that he didn’t want anyone else but him. When Jongin finally let him go, Yixing instantly stood up.

“Jongin! Why did you do that?!” he shouted, holding Jongin by his arms with enough force to be uncomfortable, yet Jongin didn’t complain. He shook him back and forth. “Why didn’t you let me go? Why did you have to kiss me? I-I have to explain everything was a misunderstanding! I have to fix this!”

“Xing, calm down,” Jongin said, “Junmyeon was so furious, I was afraid he might have hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” Yixing huffed, “Junmyeon would never do that!”

In that instant, the elevator landed on the ground floor. The doors opened but all Yixing could do was let go of Jongin and go push the button up. However, no matter how many times he pressed, the doors didn’t close.

“Why doesn’t this go up? I’m pressing the damn button!” Yixing complained, still pressing the button repeatedly.

“You have to unlock it with the card key or by keying the code again. Otherwise, the elevator system won’t activate.”

Yixing cursed. He desperately searched in his pockets for the card key but to no avail. Then, he remembered, he had put it in his jacket, the same jacket he had left upstairs. “Damn it, I don’t have it.” Yixing thought of what to do now. Should he call the staff for some help and tell them to input the code for him? Or would Junmyeon have instructed them to not let him in for the time being? Or should he- Yixing turned around to see Jongin, still standing there, between the elevator doors probably trying to prevent them from closing.

“Jongin, use your card key to activate it. I need to go back,” he ordered.

But Jongin didn’t move a finger. He only stood there, watching Yixing’s outrage. There wasn’t a decipherable expression on his face. He was just observing quietly.

“Jongin!”

“Why?”

“Why?” Yixing asked, letting out a laugh of disbelief, shaking his head. “Because I need to fix this mess you’ve created! I must tell Junmyeon you kissed me out of nowhere. I didn’t want to. It meant nothing to me. Nothing! I don’t love you. You’re just a friend and nothing else. I-I, I’m in love with him, not you.”

Even after hearing those words, Jongin didn’t react. With a monotonous voice, he uttered, “But he doesn’t love you back.”

“Shut up, you don’t know that.”

“And you do?”

Yixing couldn’t answer right away. He… Didn’t know. He had no idea. He was about to find out for once today. Yet, even now, he couldn’t say with certainty that Junmyeon loved him, he couldn’t even guess it. Maybe by his reaction to that kiss, Junmyeon did. Or perhaps Junmyeon had felt furious because it was Jongin kissing Yixing… If anyone else had done it, would Junmyeon even have cared?

“You don’t know…” Jongin trailed off, “Which furthers makes me believe that neither of you loved each other when you decided to get married.”

Yixing exhaled and inhaled, trying to come up with a wise thing to say without jeopardizing his and Junmyeon’s relationship’s veracity. But he couldn’t come up with anything smart, everything he thought of would only lead to giving Jongin more proof that he was right. Yixing felt a bead of sweat forming on his forehead. He gulped. Why couldn’t be he as good as Junmyeon when it came to ‘improvising’ lies?

Jongin huffed. Then, finally, his face showed some emotion: gloom. “But you’ve fallen for him. This desperation to prove him you’re not at wrong, it’s… You actually have come to love Kim Junmyeon.”

“I have!” Yixing said. But Jongin’s miserable face was starting to affect him, and Yixing couldn’t bear himself to shout at him anymore. He breathed in, trying to brush away the anger. When he managed to, with a soft voice, he explained, “Listen, Jongin, you been a great friend to me, really. I never expected to meet someone else with a sensible heart in this world full of selfish sharks. And I came to appreciate you and love you just like I do with my other friends… Only as a friend. But the one who has my heart, my love and affection, that’s Junmyeon. It had always been Junmyeon. And yes, we might be different and unfit, but I don’t care. I only want to be with Junmyeon and no one else. I’m sorry.”

Jongin’s lips curved into a remorseful smile. He shook his head. “. I can’t believe I’m hearing this for the second time,” Jongin let out a laugh, a wailing laugh, full of desperation. He looked at the floor while he brushed his eyes with his hands. After a while, when he finally raised his head to meet Yixing’s eyes, he spoke. “Don’t apologize, Yixing. I’m the one who is truly sorry. It was wrong of me to have jumped on you and kissed you without your permission. I-I was so full of myself, and I thought I would do a spontaneous love act that would make you realize how much you like me more… But all I did was behave like an assaulter. I am so sorry.” He lowered his upper body to a ninety degrees bow.

Yixing didn’t know what to say. Nobody had ever apologized to him this way. “I, I don’t think it’s-”

“It is. I should know better. Supposedly, my job is to protect you, but I ended up harming you two. I was blinded by my desire to hear you say you loved me back, by the rivalry and jealousy from an immature teenager, that I acted hastily. I’m so sorry for the trouble I’ve caused you.” Jongin stood up straight again, his semblance was serious this time. “I’d apologize to Junmyeon, but I’m sure I’m the last person he wants to see right now.” Jongin brought out his black card key. “I won’t tell anyone about your and Junmyeon’s marriage matters. That’s none of my business.” He walked out from between the elevator doors, he held up the card key. “Neither will I ever bother you again, Yixing.” His eyes reflected a hint of sadness. The moment Jongin pressed the card key against the keypad, the elevator worked again.

“Jongin, we can-”

Jongin shook his head. “We can’t. But I hope he makes you happy.”

As the elevator doors closed, Yixing saw Jongin staring at him, smiling ruefully. Yixing thought he also saw a tear pouring down Jongin’s face.