Yixing nodded, nuzzling against Junmyeon’s chest. Junmyeon caressed Yixing’s , the touch so soft against his palms while whispering a bunch of sweet nothings until Yixing fell asleep again.

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon whispered before shutting his eyes.

Ever since his talk with Tao, he had begun uttering those words too. It was futile, though, saying them into silence and hear them vanish didn’t take away anything.

Yixing felt he had taken the right choice. Initially, he might have doubted how well of a boyfriend Junmyeon would have been, considering all factors, but Junmyeon had been fantastic in all senses. Their first month anniversary and every anniversary that followed, his birthday surprise, the impromptu lunch dates, relaxing at home, attending an event together, or unexpected little acts of love, even doing things with less glamour and prestige that Yixing suggested, in all instances, Junmyeon proved to be the perfect boyfriend. Of course, Yixing knew that was part of Junmyeon’s mien: he tried to outdo himself, be the best, be number one, be compliant. It shouldn’t have been much of a surprise that Junmyeon attempted to be the same in their relationship. Yixing had worried about it sometimes, feeling as if he was taking advantage of the situation, of him. But Junmyeon eventually had confessed he liked to pamper and indulge Yixing, to know that he could make Yixing happy made him happy too, no matter how. So, Yixing let it be. Yixing also did his best to reciprocate the same love Junmyeon had for him. They may not have said those three words yet, but Yixing was starting to feel it. Soon either he would say it, or maybe Junmyeon would surprise him as always and say it first. But it didn’t matter who initiated it, only that it was true.

That was how things had worked. And Yixing had been happy, Junmyeon had been happy. There had been some discussions and fights every now and then, but nothing they hadn’t resolved. Overall, Yixing felt their relationship was mostly wonderful, filled with mutual love.

Then, at the beginning of this month, Junmyeon had begun waking up way too early to attend work. He worked until late and during the weekends. They had started skipping their lunch dates. Yixing’s calls got sometimes redirected to voicemail or assistants took his messages. They didn’t spend as much time as before. It almost felt as if Junmyeon was slowly distancing himself, but that couldn’t be it… Or had Yixing gotten so used to Junmyeon’s company and attention that the moment his boyfriend needed to focus on work and the political campaign, Yixing got so needy and craving of affection that he’ll feel neglected? Put aside? Avoided? Forgotten?

It was entirely unreasonable that he felt bothered that Junmyeon needed to finish this or that and again he was eating alone for the nth time. For heaven’s sake, when had Yixing turned this way? Or had he always been like this and that explained part of the reason why his exes had left him for their perfect matches?

He needed to understand this was part of Junmyeon’s life, therefore their relationship. Junmyeon couldn’t be negligent of his duties everytime Yixing felt alone. And things would probably get harder if Junmyeon becomes the Leader of the Nation. This was like a mock test of the real hardships. Junmyeon needed comprehension and support, not overwhelming complaints from a needy boyfriend about how he was almost never home anymore and so forth. He still missed Junmyeon, though, which was ridiculous because Junmyeon would always return home.

Yixing sighed. At least Junmyeon was free tomorrow. He had promised to clear his schedule and attend Tao’s parent’s thirtieth wedding anniversary. Yixing would have Junmyeon all to himself for a day, well, almost. Although it had only been two weeks since they had such day, he would make the most of it. With that in mind, Yixing cleared up the table, feeling less grumpy and instead happier.

Later that night, in his sleep he had dreamed of Junmyeon holding him and with that soothing voice, whisper how much he loved him.

Yixing woke up the next day, cuddling a sleeping body next to him. He smiled. It had only been five days, but he had missed waking up in Junmyeon’s arms. Then, he noticed how Junmyeon had slept in his work clothes last night. How tired had he been? As much as Yixing wanted to suggest Junmyeon took this whole month off, he knew it was inconvenient (and quite a selfish motive from Yixing’s part).

“Morning,” Junmyeon’s voice startled him.

Yixing looked up. “Did I wake you up, babe?” He didn’t want to be this inconsiderate and disturb Junmyeon’s well-needed rest.

Junmyeon smiled and shook his head. “I was already awake.”

He wished Junmyeon would have gotten more time to rest, but Yixing’s lips instantly greeted Junmyeon’s. He kissed and kissed him until he found himself ing Junmyeon’s shirt. This had become quite their habit. Waking up each other this way when they were in the mood for that, when they craved each other.

“Wait, Xing,” Junmyeon said, grabbing Yixing’s hand. “I’m all sweaty and smelly from yesterday. Let me freshen up.”

But Yixing couldn’t wait. He had missed him too much. “Then, how about shower ?”

His boyfriend chuckled. His closed eyes curved in that adorable way. Junmyeon leaned in to give him another kiss. “I’d love that.”

He smirked while they stood up and Junmyeon dragged him along to the bathroom.

After that vigorous shower, neither were eager to go to the gym. Instead, Yixing and Junmyeon helped each other prepare breakfast. The winter had arrived, making it impossible to eat outside anymore. Their windows gave them a beautiful view of the city, all covered in white. They talked, catching up with what they had missed these last couple of days. The flower shop was busy as always during Christmas and New Year’s season. Junmyeon still had some work left but felt confident he’ll finish it before the Kim family ski trip. Mrs. Kim had asked Yixing to convince Junmyeon to follow the whole clan to spend Christmas and New Year’s skiing. Yixing did it, both as a favor to his future mother-in-law and because he wanted Junmyeon to take a break, maybe for himself too. But that wasn’t the only trip that was near. Next month Yixing would finally travel to see his parents again. With his bank loans finally paid (he had refused to accept Junmyeon’s offer to pay it for him), he managed to save enough money to buy the plane tickets. He knew Junmyeon may have preferred to use his private plane, but his boyfriend didn’t complain about it. Junmyeon had thanked Yixing for it, and Yixing appreciated that. When the Migration Office gave the green light to them, Yixing had booked the tickets. They would leave by the end of next month. He looked forward to seeing his parents after so long. But he was also a bit unsure of his parents meeting Junmyeon. Although Yixing had explained to them everything that had happened, they still were somewhat doubtful of their relationship and of Junmyeon. Yixing just hoped that the time they spent together would make his parent’s change their mind, just like Yixing had done. This was the man he’ll probably spend the rest of his life with. They had to get along.

Yixing had planned what they’ll do after breakfast. They were going ice-skating with the Do-Park family. The last time he had visited Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, Sohee had asked about ‘Big Suho.’ Later he found out Sohee called him that because she thought Junmyeon looked like a rabbit, her stuffed animal. It had made Yixing laugh. Junmyeon had gotten embarrassed when Yixing teasingly called him ‘bunny’ one time. But Yixing had promised Sohee he’ll bring Big Suho with him next time they saw each other. And although he might have loved to have Junmyeon all to himself, he couldn’t refuse an outing with his friends.

They met with Kyungsoo and the others at the park where there was a temporary ice rink. Lots of people were already gathered there, some skating, some learning. Chanyeol stood outside the ice rink, holding Dongwon in his arms while he cheered for Sohee and Kyungsoo.

“Hey there, lovebirds,” Chanyeol greeted them.

“That hat still fits you?” Yixing asked. It had been so long he had seen that wolf hat, he had though Chanyeol had gotten rid of it.

“Unlike you, Yixing, my head doesn’t keep growing.”

“But your ears sure do.” Yixing laughed, taking Dongwon in his arms while Chanyeol and Junmyeon greeted each other.

“Cool hat,” Junmyeon said.

Chanyeol held the fur balls falling from the wolf hat and just then a breeze passed making the ears almost look as if they were twitching. “Yixing gave it to me long ago. Don’t be surprised if he gifts you an animal-themed hat on your birthday. He gave Kyungsoo a penguin one last year.”

Junmyeon chuckled.

“Well, you won’t have a hard time guessing one of my Christmas presents for the kids,” Yixing said.

“Big Suho! Uncle Xing!” Sohee’s voice suddenly said. Sohee and Kyungsoo stood next to them on the other side of the fence. She wore a matching pink helmet and skates. More hellos later and Sohee asked, “Will you ice skate with us?”

Yixing gave Junmyeon a questioning look. His boyfriend hadn’t mind coming here today, but Yixing didn’t know if Junmyeon was up to doing that. Perhaps he would prefer to stay with Chanyeol and Dongwon.

“Of course, we are,” Junmyeon said. “You better watch out, Sohee. I’m pretty good at this.”

Sohee grinned. “Not as good as me, Big Suho. I’m gonna be a professional ice-skater.”

Yixing believed that. Sohee had always been passionate about it and even attended lessons after school. He gave Dongwon one last squeeze on his cheek before giving him back to Chanyeol. He and Junmyeon walked to rent their ice-skates.

“You know how to ice-skate?” Yixing wondered while they sat down and took off their shoes.

“My mom likes it. She always made us come with her when we were little. And I convinced her to hire us a teacher so we wouldn’t make fools of ourselves. I guess it’s like biking, it may pass some time, but you don’t forget.”

Yixing had realized that every time Junmyeon would talk about his childhood or his late little brother, which was rarely, his gaze would get lost somewhere, only momentarily, because then he would stare back at Yixing and act as if nothing had happened. Yixing had wanted to ask why that was. But he got the feeling Junmyeon wouldn’t open about it. Maybe one day.

Some people came to greet them when they first got in the ice, but then the attention died out. Junmyeon had been right about it being like biking, for him at least. After he got familiar with the feeling, he could move flawlessly and lightly, not on the same level as Sohee but much better than Yixing and Kyungsoo. It calmed Kyungsoo that Junmyeon could be at the same speed at Sohee since she sometimes complained he was going too slow.

Yixing and Kyungsoo moved at their pace and held each other’s arms. They did their best to get off people’s way and keep their balance.

“How are things with Junmyeon?” Kyungsoo asked.

Yixing looked in front of them. At some distance, Sohee was grinning with Junmyeon after showing him a spin.

He decided to spare Kyungsoo his childish complaints. “Wonderful. He’s really fantastic.”

Kyungsoo smiled at him. “I’m happy for you, Xing. It was about time. You deserve it.”

A part of Yixing agreed, but he kept that to himself.

He and Kyungsoo continued ice-skating while talking about the holidays and family matters. Sohee continued showing her skills to Junmyeon. And Chanyeol occasionally took pictures of everyone. Until it was the midday and it had started snowing again. Before parting ways, they bought some warm beverages from a kiosk nearby. Sohee gave him and Junmyeon each a kiss on the cheek while saying goodbye, hoping they’d call her for Christmas since they’ll be away. They pinky promised to do that. And so, their outing ended.

Hand in hand, Yixing and Junmyeon walked through the city. They decided to grab a quick lunch at a fast food restaurant. It was impossible not to attract attention, Yixing was used to it by now. But once the flocking ended, people gave them space, and he could enjoy a lunch date with his boyfriend.

The rest of the day, Junmyeon and Yixing spent it cuddling on the couch and eating snacks while catching up with their favorite detective TV show. Sometimes Yixing was amazed at Junmyeon’s influence because one time he had gotten the chance to attend a party with the cast. For a moment he had felt like the people who came and greeted them like fans. Junmyeon loved to surprise him like that. Yixing loved him for more than that, but he always appreciated his efforts.

When they had finished their sixth episode, Yixing stretched his body on the couch. He turned to the left to meet Junmyeon’s gaze. “We have to start getting ready, love,” Yixing said while yawning. If they wanted to arrive on time for the party, they should be moving now.

Junmyeon groaned. He rested his head on top of Yixing’s chest. “I’d rather stay here with you like this.”

Yixing smiled. He’d prefer that too. But at this point, he had learned it wasn’t common courtesy in this world to cancel at the last minute. And Junmyeon knew that also because eventually, they both stood up.

Tonight’s party would take place at Tao’s parent’s house, or more accurately old mansion. Only close friends and family were invited. Junmyeon’s and Tao’s parents knew each other since way back, and Junmyeon basically grew up along with Tao. That was why they were invited. And it was a black-tie event, so it required somewhat formal wear. Doyoung and Taeil had picked them the latest suit collection from a high fashion brand. When it came to accessories, Yixing was surprised when he noticed both he and Junmyeon had chosen to wear the honeysuckle brooches. Junmyeon had said before that he had gifted it to Yixing, so it was the most suitable brooch Yixing owned and liked. Meanwhile, Junmyeon loved it and felt like wearing it tonight. That coincidence had made them both smile.

“Are you sure about driving, Xing?” Junmyeon asked once they were in the underground parking lot. “I can still call the chauffeur if you want.”

Yixing shook his head. “There’s no need. I’m not drinking tonight.” He opened the door for Junmyeon to step inside. It was the new car that Junmyeon had gifted him for his birthday, one of the many gifts which Yixing didn’t really need, but gratefully accepted. Yixing hadn’t said it, but they were going to attend another one of those fancy dinner nights, and just for one moment he wanted to feel normal. He got the feeling Junmyeon knew his reasons, and that explained why he didn’t bring up the chauffeur anymore.

“Okay,” Junmyeon said. He reached out to grab Yixing’s cheeks and give him a deep kiss that left Yixing breathless. Prelude to what would happen later tonight, Yixing felt it like.

He put on some music before driving off.

It always astounded Yixing to visit one of those places. The mansion had a large parlour in which the reception took place. Crystal chandeliers lightened the area, with how much they sparkled Yixing wished not to be underneath one of those if they were to fall. Tall windows, luxury carpets, couches, lamps, furniture and painting on the walls, he should be used to seeing this, but it always astonished him.

First, they congratulated the happy couple on the thirtieth anniversary. Their gift had long been handed to the ones in charge at the entrance. Yixing liked Tao’s mother, she was welcoming and hospitable, most likely whom Tao had gotten those qualities from. She looked stunning in her burgundy dress and pearled necklace. Mr. Huang, on the other hand, was slightly serious and bit intimidating, but that aura was common among powerful men like him. Junmyeon’s grandparents still had that effect on Yixing.

Later they greeted the other guests, Junmyeon’s parents, Yifan and Tao among them. Some people stood up while chatting as waiters walked around offering drinks and appetizers. Others sat down and talked, like how Yixing and his future in-laws were doing. Mrs. Kim was whispering her thankfulness again for managing to convince Junmyeon to follow them on the ski trip, her husband winked at him and said the same. It all made Yixing chuckle. He’ll have to ask Junmyeon later why he used to decline to attend the family gatherings.

As the night had passed, Yixing found himself having quite a good time. He had gotten better at conversing with this crowd and no longer depended on being Junmyeon’s quiet shadow. Talking about the language of flowers always helped break the tension. Apparently, people liked to hear what their most favorite flowers signified. At some point, Junmyeon came to give him a kiss on the cheek and say he’ll be talking with Tao for a while. Yixing didn’t know if he saw right, but he could sense something off with Junmyeon. Still, he continued his with conversations.

Being in this environment had also made Yixing think about something. His parents would celebrate their thirtieth-first anniversary next year. Thankfully, now he would be able to afford to visit them, maybe even throw them a long overdue celebration too, not like this one but something memorable. He still fondly remembered how he and Qian had surprised them on their twentieth anniversary. Their parents had been so happy and pleased with the rooftop party, maybe also because Qian and he had flooded the places with their favorite flowers.

When it was the time, a butler announced that the guests were welcomed to the dining hall. People began moving that way.

Yixing had been talking again with Junmyeon’s parents while showing the pictures Chanyeol sent him today. Mrs. Kim said, “Go ahead dear, I’ll tell one of the waiters to fetch Tao and Myeonie.”

Yixing shook his head. “Oh, there’s no need. I can do it. Where did they go?”

“I think I saw them going to the library,” Mr. Kim said. He instructed Yixing which hallways and directions to take.

Yixing nodded. He excused himself and made his way to the long hallway and followed Mr. Kim’s instructions. Then, he reached the two large wooden doors. Yixing was about to knock but saw that one of the doors wasn’t entirely closed. He opened it and stepped in. It was an annex room with a desk and seats along with many, many bookshelves. Yixing heard voices coming from the inside of the library. He walked that way until he saw Junmyeon facing the fireplace and the back of Tao’s head, sitting on one of the sofas.

“So, when are you going to tell him?” Tao asked with a touch of asperity.

Yixing came to a halt. He shouldn’t be overhearing. It was rude. It was wrong. But he still stood there, not making a sound to reveal his presence.

Junmyeon let out a sigh. “I can’t do it, Tao. I simply can’t yet. I… Can’t find the courage.”

“Junmyeon, everything has been ready for weeks now. I’ve told you everything you need to know thrice. I have it here with me. Come one, you have to tell Yixing.”

“Tell me what?” Yixing decided to interrupt. By the tone of Tao’s voice, whatever it was it was urgent. He walked closer to them.

“Yixing.” Junmyeon gasped, turning around to face him. His face looked pale, almost as Yixing’s presence had scared him to death.

Tao’s gaze fell on Yixing too.

“What is it that you can’t find the courage to tell me, Junmyeon?” Yixing asked. He reached his hand to grasp Junmyeon’s. He was fearing the worst but hoped that Junmyeon would be honest with him. Whatever it was, Yixing wanted to be there for him, support him. Yixing showed his boyfriend a reassuring dimpled smile.

“It’s,” Junmyeon’s voice quivered. He closed his eyes but didn’t say anything else.

“Your sister.” Tao’s voice broke the silence. “It’s about your sister.”

Yixing’s heart beat rapidly. Qian. He finally had news about Qian. “Qian. What about her?”

Junmyeon and Tao exchanged glances, almost as if mentally debating with each other. In the end, Junmyeon shook his head and looked back to the glowing embers.

“Why don’t you come sit here, Yixing,” Tao said, patting the spot next to him.

Yixing stared at Junmyeon, who oddly refused to see him. Junmyeon squeezed their joined hands together before letting go.

“What about your parent’s dinner? It was about to start,” Yixing said while he made his way to Tao.

“It’s okay, they’ll understand.”

Yixing nodded, sitting on the leather couch next to Tao. Only now did he realize Tao had a briefcase on his lap. Yixing felt worried about Junmyeon’s sudden distance but was also eager to know what was going on. “How do you know about my sister?”

“Because I was the one helping Junmyeon to find her.”

Yixing would have thought Yifan might have been the one helping, given that he worked in a hospital, area for the Health Department. But Tao explained that since he was an officer at the Security Department, he had access to everything, including rehabilitation facilities. And so, Tao began explaining.

Just like they had been told long ago, university and peer pressure had made Qian’s stress levels far too high. Yixing had always doubted that because he remembered his sister’s Emotion Watch hadn’t been shining yellow at all during that time. But Tao said that some people could bottle up everything they felt until it burst out and there was no point of return, which was what had occurred to Qian. And when it hit, she was taken to a rehabilitation facility where she could better her mental health.

Tao opened the briefcase and handed Yixing some stapled papers. The front page showed it was Qian’s admission records. There was a picture of her. Yixing’s fingers delicately traced the photograph. This wasn’t the big sister he remembered. She looked so… angry, scared. How could he have missed it? How could he have not realized Qian hadn’t been feeling well? If only he had been a more attentive, caring brother, would she have not ended like that?

“Look, it’s not your fault. This is quite common,” Tao said as if reading Yixing’s thoughts. Yixing nodded at Tao, but it didn’t take away his feelings.

From there on, Qian went through therapy, and support groups like everyone else admitted did. The process wasn’t quick, however. It required months or even years until one patient was wholly healed and knew how to properly take care of themselves mentally. Qian had been doing good for the first year. The records said she was smiling more, feeling calmer from her worries and anxiety. The chart of colors was slowly drifting from orange to a weaker shade. In some months she would have even been released.

“Why didn’t she?” Yixing had to ask because ten years had passed, and his sister wasn’t here.

“Because she fell in love.”

Yixing’s eyes widened. He remembered how Qian used to say that despite how nice it sounded she would never fall in love because of the world they lived in. She felt their parents finding each other and living happily ever after was utterly rare these days. She didn’t believe in perfect matches either. But Yixing always wished that one day she would find that happiness. And now… he knew she did. His lips formed a smile. “Qian fell in love?”

“Yes,” Tao nodded, “With an intern.”

The intern wasn’t treating Qian’s case, though. He had arrived there to practice with another group of therapists. It was quite common that therapists lived there during the days they worked. Therefore, patients and therapists used to eat together in the common dining hall. That was where the two had met.

For months Qian and that intern ate lunch together at the same table and the same hour. They must have felt a deep connection and chemistry. The couldn’t help smiling at each other or subtly hold hands when none was looking. But they had to disguise it as friendship for a long time. Because that kind of relationship was frowned upon, not only because it was against the rehabilitation facility’s code of ethics, but also because they weren’t a perfect match.

However, the nature of their real relationship was eventually found out. And it didn’t end well. It was decided that the intern would be transferred to another rehabilitation facility shortly and that he and Qian could no longer be seen together, alone or in public. Qian had always felt lonely while being away from her family. With the intern she had found some company and someone else to rely on, to have fun and talk about other things than why she was there. Qian had told that to her therapist when questioned about their relationship. It wasn’t strange that the sudden separation caused a setback on Qian’s mood. And that was why on the following pages of her records the color chart was turning into a darker orange. If she continued that way, she’d probably have to start her treatment all over again. The intern knew this, he knew that she’d have stay inside longer. And neither of them wanted that. With that in mind, for his last remaining days, he came up with a plan.

He relied on Qian’s group therapy companions to exchange messages explaining his ideas. Qian agreed to it. To not raise any suspicious, they decided to act on his second to last day there. The plan to take her out wasn’t anything advanced either. Being an intern, he had access to all doors and locks in the rehabilitation facility. That night, he had merely gone to Qian’s room, unlocked it and brought her out. Quickly, they made their way out of the rehabilitation facility and ran away in his car. From there on began the hard part, which was to not get caught. The rehabilitation facility had noticed Qian’s absence only ten minutes later, and the general alarm was set off. But the intern seemed to have had everything figured out. They got into another car a couple of kilometers away from the rehabilitation facility. Qian changed the generic white clothes everyone wore for civilian ones. And the vehicle left behind was the only physical remaining trace of them.

“What do you mean?” Yixing asked.

“We don’t know where they went. He found ways to avoid main roads and everything else. But the facility was located near the southern coast. If they got help and managed to cross the border to another country, then there wasn’t much else we could do. Later it was found out a fisherman had helped them.”

“So, she’s gone just like that? He and Qian escaped? Why didn’t anyone tell us? We’ve been waiting for news for ten years!”

Tao sighed. “As you’ve heard, it sounds very embarrassing and idiotic that they managed to escape so easily, that nobody thought the star-crossed lovers wouldn’t do anything about their situation. It was a scandal that was better to keep hidden. And officers did ask nearby countries to keep an eye out for them, but not all of them accept our current society, and we can’t impose our authority overseas either.”

“That’s the stupidest excuse! My family deserved to know the truth,” Yixing yelled, “Who cares about the scandal when my sister has been gone for a decade. Do you have any idea of how excruciating it was to know nothing about her? To wait impatiently for one day, someone tells us that she’s fine and she’ll come back home? My parents gave up on her, they think she’s dead!”

“Yes, I agree with you, Yixing. Take a deep breath and calm down.”

Yixing couldn’t care less about that, but he did exhale and inhale.

“But if your family knew, then it might have affected your stress levels too, not knowing where she had gone off too. It was to prevent you from going through that anguish. It was better if you believed she was still getting help. Your sister wanted you to be safe too.”

Tao took out an envelope. Yixing instantly recognized his sister’s handwriting on it. ‘My family’ she had written.

“Your sister left behind this goodbye letter. It’s evidence but I managed to get it back from the Security Department for you.”

Yixing instantly grabbed the envelope Tao held out. He opened it. In the letter, Qian began saying how she had been doing, what reasons she had for running away, her happiness of finding one person she loved, and her apologies to mom, dad, and Yixing for doing this to them. She wished there had been another option, but she couldn’t see much of choice. In the last paragraphs, Qian wished them all the best. She ended by saying she’ll be fine, and that Jeong (that was his name, or nickname, Tao had never mentioned it earlier) would take care of them, that they shouldn’t worry, that they’ll make it safely to the outside world and would start a life on their own.

Yixing smiled after finding the letter. He was conflicted though, still feeling worried about his sister whereabouts, but relieved that she had gotten free from her isolation. The way she worded everything, she seemed genuinely regretful but also happy. Yixing couldn’t even feel angry with her for her reckless actions. If anything, it sounded just like Qian, not let others dictate her life. But he did wish to see her again, to confirm she was doing fine and not…

“Please help me find her. I don’t want her to get in trouble here, I know she will if those guys find her. Just help me find her on our own. I need to see Qian again,” Yixing subtly pleaded, holding the letter close to him.

Tao smiled faintly. “That’s what I’ve been doing these past months, Yixing. I’ve been looking. It’s not easy because we only have their pictures to rely on as clues. But we’ll do anything we can to trace their whereabouts, right Junmyeon?”

Junmyeon, he was still looking away from Tao and him. Yixing had been so immersed in his talk with Tao’s that he had forgotten about Junmyeon. Yixing somehow understood why Junmyeon didn’t dare to tell him any of this. Junmyeon probably had wanted to bring good news and clear answers to Yixing. Of course, Junmyeon wouldn’t want to admit that he had none of it, only more unbearable uncertainty. Junmyeon had failed. But Yixing didn’t care. He was glad to know Junmyeon had kept his word and was doing his best to find Qian.

“Right, Junmyeon?” Tao asked again.

Yixing stood up from his seat. He walked to Junmyeon and grabbed his hand. “It’s okay, love. It’s okay you didn’t succeed in finding her.” Yixing tightened the grip. “I’m happy you tried, Junmyeon.”

In a matter of seconds, Junmyeon turned around and grabbed the piece of paper Yixing was holding. He tossed it to the fire.

“What the hell?!” Yixing called out, watching the paper catch flames and slowly disappear into ashes.

“It’s not true,” Junmyeon’s voice faintly said, almost as if nothing had been said.

Yixing looked up. Junmyeon’s teary-eyed gaze pierced trough Yixing’s own eyes.

“Stop!” Tao said, voice stern this time.

“Nothing is true! She’s dead. I’m so sorry, Yixing, but your sister is dead.”

Yixing let go of their joined hands. Had he heard correctly? Was Junmyeon saying that Qian had died?

“Keep quiet, Junmyeon! Just go back to the dining room.”

Junmyeon scoffed at Tao. He continued, “She and all these other people died on a fire. She had found out some dark, twisted secrets about this government and her death was linked to it, Yixing. Nobody said anything because it meant they could risk losing everything they’ve worked for. It’s all so damn wrong. But she died. Nine years ago, she died.”

Yixing enclosed his hands into fists. With every word Junmyeon kept spewing, his nails dug deeper into his skin. He felt this painful lump on his throat, this sharp aching in his chest.

“I’m sorry for not saying it earlier. I just, Tao and me, we, we thought you’ll say something. But those secrets are dangerous. We wanted to protect you, but I can’t take it. I can’t take lying to you anymore.”

“Yixing,” Tao said this time, standing next to him, “We’ll explain everything to you, the whole truth, but you have to promise to keep quiet. If any of it comes out, like Junmyeon said, you could get into trouble. It’s for your own good.”

They both looked at him expectantly. But Yixing could only ask, “How long have you known?” His eyes were firm on Junmyeon.

Junmyeon gulped. “Two months.”

Yixing let out a wailing laugh. He couldn’t tell if it were cries of despair or just a wicked laugh. “You’ve known for two months?”

Junmyeon nodded.

“For two months, you’ve known that my sister, Qian, whom I loved so much, and I would do anything to bring her back, was dead.”

Yixing raised his hand and pointed at Junmyeon.

“You’ve kissed me, held my hand and made love to me while lying to my face for two damn months?”

Junmyeon didn’t say anything but was still on the verge of tears.

“How could you? You knew I was dying to know anything, anything about her! You knew how much I loved her. How much I missed her. How much hope I had to see her. And then, then you go on and tell me all this made-up bull.”

“I’m so sorry,” Junmyeon apologized. “I didn’t want to hurt you. We wanted to protect you. I thought-”

“What? That I would enjoy hearing all these lies about her running away? That my despair in not knowing where she was, was so much better than hearing the damn truth?”

“I made a mistake. I should’ve told you everything from the minute I knew. I wanted to, Yixing, but I’m so sorry. I’m really, really, sorry.”

“We were just doing what was best for your sake, Yixing,” Tao said. “We-”

And that was all Yixing would take. Frowning, he glared at them before bolting out of the room. When he reached the annex, a hand grabbed his arm. Yixing turned around and fiercely pushed Junmyeon away from him, not caring whether the fall had hurt him or not.

“No, don’t you dare follow me!” Yixing screamed, “You’re the last person I ever want to see.”

He heard Junmyeon scream his name while he ran through the halls. He needed to get out of there before he unleashed everything he had inside. Yixing reached the main hall and encountered Mrs. Kim.

“Yixing, dear where are-”

Ignoring her calls, Yixing continued his way to the main door. He yelled at the maid to bring him his coat. And when she did, Yixing stepped outside into the cold night. Not even the fresh air could take away his lack of air. He struggled to breathe. The snow was falling and landed on his cheeks, snowflakes turning into water almost immediately. Once Yixing found his car, he took off.

That was one of the most extended car rides he had ever taken. It was a miracle he hadn’t jumped a red light or gotten into an accident. His turmoil was only getting worse. The memories of him and Qian flashed through his eyes. The sound of her voice calling his nickname, Xing-Xing, of her laugh when they joked around, of her concerned eyes when Yixing told her his fears, of her hugs when Yixing needed them the most. Everything was coming back.

When Yixing parked the car outside the building, he quickly got off. His trembling fingers tapped the security numbers he knew so well. Not even stepping in the warm lobby made his quivers stop. Yixing didn’t even wait for the elevator to arrive, he went up the stairs, all the six floors, ignoring whether he was waking up the neighbors. Finally, he reached the door and rang the doorbell until he could hear the door unlock.

A perplexed Kyungsoo stood in front of him. “Yixing?” he asked, “What’s wrong? Why-”

“Qi-Qian,” Yixing stuttered, letting loose the wetness of his eyes. “Qian is dead, Kyungsoo.” It was as if that statement brought him back to his harsh reality. Qian was dead. His knees gave in. Yixing kneeled on the floor crying his heart out, sobbing uncontrollably while Kyungsoo embraced him warmly.