“So we’re back to school in two days,” Hanbin said, careful eyes on Junhoe, “we should talk about Jinhwan.”

Junhoe frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. He knew Hanbin was just trying to help, but his knee jerk reaction was to feel annoyed. “No thanks. I have nothing to say.” 

Hanbin had expected the resistance. “I just want to make sure that you’re okay. Exams are coming up soon.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“I don’t want your grades to suffer because you’re distracted.” Hanbin wasn’t planning to leave the situation alone until they talked and he felt assured that Junhoe was okay. Well, okay enough. He didn’t think Junhoe would be truly okay for some time yet. 

“The only distraction in my life right now is you being super annoying and not shutting up.” Junhoe couldn’t help but snap at Hanbin. It was okay, though. Hanbin was used to it. 

“I actually haven’t tried to talk to you about Jinhwan in over a week. I’ve been giving you time, and I’d give you more if it wasn’t so close to exam time.” The fact that Junhoe was actually engaging in the discussion right now was a good sign to Hanbin. If he truly wasn’t ready to talk, he’d have just shut off completely. 

“Hanbin I mean it. I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about Jinhwan.” That was a lie, but his pride was getting in his way again. 

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you’re really okay,” Hanbin asked, sitting down next to him on the couch, “I promise I’ll leave it be if you can do that. But you can’t sound angry, because if you’re angry then it means you’re not really okay.” 

Junhoe turned his head to glare at Hanbin, trying to warn him from being too pushy. But Hanbin’s expression only looked concerned, like he was struggling through a difficult situation. It actually tugged at Junhoe’s heart a little, and he had to look away because it made him feel guilty. Which was stupid, right? He hadn’t done anything wrong, so why should he be the one feeling bad? 

Hanbin waited, because he had this feeling like Junhoe was ready to talk about it. He only had to wait him out. He didn’t say anything more, just remained sitting beside him, and after a minute he nudged his knee into Junhoe’s. 

Junhoe’s gaze was focused on the wall and he was trying to blink back tears. This was such bull. He shouldn’t still be crying over Jinhwan. He should be over it, and that desire to see him again should be non-existent. But instead it still burned brightly, like his heart was a gasoline lantern. It was just going to keep burning unless he figured out how to shut off access to the fuel. 

Hanbin leaned against him, reached out for a hand and threaded their fingers together. Junhoe didn’t push him away or tense up at all, he just remained exactly as he was, and that was answer enough for Hanbin. 

The silence was getting to Junhoe, it made all of the thoughts running through his head seem that much louder and harder to ignore. “Have you seen him?” Junhoe couldn’t stop himself from asking. 

“I have.” Hanbin waited to see if Junhoe had questions about it. He wanted to spill everything, but sometimes it was best to let Junhoe decide what he wanted answers about. 

Junhoe wasn’t sure how to feel about that. One part anger, one part betrayal, but the biggest part was jealousy. Which only made him angrier at himself. “You probably didn’t even tell him off, did you?” 

Junhoe calmly asked, so Hanbin decided to be honest. “No, I didn’t.” 

One little tear squeezed itself out of the corner of Junhoe’s left eye, but he refused to wipe it. Hanbin was on his other side, after all, so he wouldn’t see it. He’d known that Hanbin had probably seen Jinhwan, it was inevitable with Jinhwan’s living arrangement, but still. He couldn’t help but feel betrayed. “What happened to being on my side?” 

“I am on your side,” Hanbin replied, “but we’re different kinds of people, you and me. You know that I can’t stay angry at anyone, that’s not who I am. Especially when there’s a logical explanation for something. My brain just refuses to hold on to hurt feelings.” 

Hanbin was right, Junhoe knew that. But right now it was just easier to foist his emotions on Hanbin than keep them internal. “Keep your stupid logic.” But Junhoe wasn’t really angry anymore, he was just sad, so at least he wasn’t yelling at Hanbin. 

Hanbin took advantage of his calmness to push his conversation. “You take things so personally, you always have. But that’s why we’re such good friends. We need each other. You need me to let you fly off the rail and then talk you down when you’re ready.” 

Junhoe couldn’t argue with that comment. Hanbin put up with a lot from him, he knew that, and he was grateful. Junhoe knew he was the sort of person who needed to wallow in anger and hurt feelings, and he was grateful that Hanbin, who was the opposite, accepted him for it. But he’d never really gave any thought to the idea that Hanbin, in turn, needed anything from him. Normally he wouldn’t even give the comment any thought, but he focused on it this time. Just out of curiosity. Just to hear what he’d say. “What do you need me for?” 

Hanbin enclosed Junhoe’s hand in between both of his own. “You remind me that sometimes emotions are more important than logic.” 

Junhoe wasn’t sure why that got him a little choked up. Maybe it was just because Hanbin had never admitted that he felt like he needed anything from him before. Junhoe wasn’t ready to admit how much it meant to him to hear Hanbin say it, though. “I think you need me because you’re such a huge nerd, and without me you’d be a total loser.” 

Hanbin laughed, and that made Junhoe laugh, and Junhoe thought that this was what he was most grateful to Hanbin for. Just for understanding him, for knowing when to talk, when to not talk, but most importantly when to laugh. Junhoe was a terrible talker, he had trouble figuring out how to say what he wanted to say. Hanbin got him, though. In a way that no one else probably ever would. 

Junhoe surprised himself by turning and pulling Hanbin into a tight hug, burying his face into Hanbin’s neck. There were so many words welling up in his throat, and even though he wanted to be angry with himself for giving in, he wasn’t surprised with the first ones that came out of his mouth. It was like they’d been bubbling up in his throat all week, and finally he couldn’t hold them in anymore. 

“I miss him so much, Bin.” 

Normally he’d feel the need to follow it up with an explanation, he wouldn’t stop until he’d made everyone certain that this is bull and I shouldn’t feel this way and that he doesn’t ing deserve it . But he didn’t this time. This time his pride just took a backseat and let his heart spill everything out. 

Hanbin didn’t say anything at first, he just tightened his arms around him and patted his back, and Junhoe was grateful for that, too. 

Junhoe clung to him for a few minutes and sniffled into his shoulder, and it actually made him feel a little better. He didn’t know how long it would last, but he was relieved to have been able to admit it to Hanbin. He’d probably be mad at himself later, but right now he felt nothing but relief. It was exhausting, carrying feelings around on your own shoulders. Especially ones as heavy as his for Jinhwan. He spent every day continually flipping back and forth between hating Jinhwan and missing him. He hadn’t admitted to anyone other than Yejin that he missed Jinhwan, and it felt good to tell Hanbin finally. 

Junhoe eventually sat back up after a few minutes and his sniffling stopped. But he stayed pressed close to Hanbin. Normally he wouldn’t let himself take refuge in physical comfort like this, but he was tired. 

Hanbin thought he seemed calm enough to carry on talking. “He misses you too,” is how he started, and when Junhoe didn’t tense up or flinch away he carried on, “he keeps asking me about you, if you’re okay.” 

Junhoe felt relieved to hear it. He wanted Jinhwan to miss him, he wanted to know that Jinhwan was feeling bad about it all. He wanted Jinhwan to worry about him. “He should miss me,” he replied in a sulky tone. 

“He wants to see you and talk,” Hanbin said, even though he didn’t think Junhoe would agree to it yet. But still, putting the idea in his head would be good. 

“I can’t,” Junhoe replied in a weak voice. He wanted to, wanted to see Jinhwan smirking at him in a playful way, wanted to pretend that nothing bad had happened between them. But he didn’t think he’d be able to handle it, wasn’t sure if seeing him again would make him too angry or too weak. 

“Ever, or just not right now?” Hanbin knew the answer, but he still wanted Junhoe to say it out loud. 

“Not right now.” 

But maybe not ever, either. 
 

“Is there something you’re not telling me? Since when have you ever been nervous about competing?” 

Jinhwan felt frustrated as he sat before Youngbae. There was a small local tournament happening in a week that he’d known about as soon as he’d been handed his brown belt. But he’d firmly put it out of his head with everything else going on, and now the mere idea of starting over again at the bottom of a new class (and probably getting his handed to him in the process) just had him in cold sweats. 

There was too much going on and he just wasn’t ready for it. 

“This will be a good experience for you, a good opportunity to see where you stack up against a higher rank of competition. You need to pinpoint those weak spots right away so you can start working on them. Now is not the time to back out. I can’t let you do that, not without an acceptable reason.” 

Jinhwan had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from letting out an annoyed huff of breath. This was bull, Youngbae couldn’t make him compete if he wasn’t ready for it. All he had to do was just say no. 

But he knew he couldn’t do that. He knew he’d just feel like if he took that way out. He’d been promoted because Youngbae had deemed him ready for promotion. Backing out of his first tournament at brown belt was telling the opposite story, that he wasn’t ready for it yet. 

But he would have been ready had it not been for this whole emotional meltdown lately. At first it had just been because of Junhoe, but all this past week he’d been getting weird vibes from Bobby, almost like he didn’t want to talk to him. He wasn’t sure if it was really that or if he was just feeling so guilty that he was projecting his own concerns on other people. 

“Jinhwan? What’s going on with you, huh? Don’t say nothing, because I know that’s obviously not true. Something is going on in your life lately, it’s been affecting you. Are you nervous about moving?” 

Jinhwan wanted to blame it on that so bad, and it wouldn’t really be a lie. Moving was half the problem. But it wasn’t everything. But he couldn’t tell Youngbae about his personal life, they didn’t have that close of a relationship.  “There’s just a lot going on right now. I made some bad choices and I’m dealing with the consequences.” 

Youngbae nodded, but didn’t ask for any further details. “I understand, but that’s not good enough. Competing always got your mind off of things before, so what’s the hold up this time?” 

Jinhwan knew he was just trying to help, but he couldn’t help but feel annoyed right now. “My mind’s just not on fighting.” That wasn’t true at all, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

“You’re just afraid of losing, aren’t you? Got used to winning all the time.” 

Jinhwan frowned, because there was more truth to that than he wanted to admit. Usually he enjoyed competing because he always felt certain that he’d do well. He was afraid he’d start out losing, though. Normally that wouldn’t be an issue, and he’d welcome seeing how he stacked up against competition directly after graduating up a level. But with everything else going on right now, it was the last thing he needed. 

“Unless you can convince me of a good reason for allowing you to pull out of competing, I expect you to be there on Sunday.” Youngbae’s word was final, and Jinhwan knew he really wouldn’t have a choice. The tournament was only for brown and black belt students, so he wouldn’t have a chance of seeing Junhoe, at least. Seeing him probably wouldn’t be the best thing for him anyway, it would just distract him from competition. 
 

“I expect you to address me in a more formal way from now on.” 

Junhoe rolled his eyes and sneered. “In your dreams.” 

He paid for it with a slap to the back of his head. “Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you properly.” 

“I said in your dreams, hyung.” 

Seungri grinned and laid his arm around Junhoe’s shoulders. “That’s a start, but I expect more, now that I’m a belt higher than you again.” 

“Brown’s a good colour for you, hyung,” Junhoe said, arms crossed over his chest. 

“I don’t want to hear why you think that, do I?” Seungri teased back, knew some insulting line was coming. 

“Because you’re .” 

Seungri smacked him again. 

“Why are you being such a jerk anyway? What did I do to you?” Seungri’s mood was good, though, he wasn’t phased by Junhoe’s grumpy behaviour. Clearly there was something going on with him lately, but Seungri didn’t mind. He was in too good of a mood after his promotion up to brown belt. 

“I’m not being a jerk,” Junhoe replied sulkily, “you’re just being obnoxious.” 

Seungri wasn’t being obnoxious, Junhoe was just projecting his bad mood on him because he was an easy target. Also because the promotion just made him think about Jinhwan. Seungri was now on Jinhwan’s belt level again. Junhoe felt weird about that, felt like he was being left behind. Which was stupid, because they’d both been training longer than he had, and he was progressing at the correct rate. But with Jinhwan leaving soon, everything felt worse to Junhoe. 

“What are you doing on Sunday, by the way? There’s a small local tournament during the day, you should come out and support me.” 

Junhoe’s interest perked up at that. “Oh yeah? What tournament is that?” 

“You probably didn’t hear about it because it’s just for brown and black belts,” Seungri replied, grinning when Junhoe glowered. 

“You don’t want me there, hyung, I’ll cheer on all of your competitors.” 

“Yeah you probably would, knowing you. You actually know one of them! Kim Jinhwan, your little boyfriend, right?” Seungri teased, because he didn’t know anything that had gone on between the two of them. He knew Junhoe had trained with Jinhwan a few times, but hadn’t known just how friendly they’d gotten, or how badly it had ended. 

Junhoe’s cheeks flushed at the teasing and he made a rash decision. “You know what? I will come and support you, hyung.” Jinhwan wouldn’t be expecting him there, and today Junhoe’s feelings were currently set firmly back in hating Jinhwan mode. If he was lucky, he’d get to watch Jinhwan lose. It would serve him right. 

“Really? I was just joking but it would be cool if you came.” 

Junhoe nodded, firmly set in his decision. “Yeah. I’ll come watch you. I want to be there to watch you crush Jinhwan.” 
 

“Ah, I wish you’d told me sooner, Jinan, I promised Father Lee I’d help out with the congregation lunch.” 

Jinhwan frowned and just barely managed to stop himself before asking Bobby if there was any way he could get out of it. He wasn’t more important than Bobby’s church commitments, and if he asked then he felt like it might only make things worse between he and Bobby. Not that they were bad. He just felt like there was still something between them, some little blockade. If Bobby already had prior commitments, it didn’t mean that he wasn’t willing to come out and support him. It only felt that way because of how things were currently. 

“Why don’t you ask Hanbin? I know he has boxing lessons in the morning, I don’t know what time he’s finished. But I’m sure he’d come after he was done. I probably won’t finish in time to make it, but if I do, I’ll come too.” 

Jinhwan felt weird about asking Hanbin. He already felt like he was getting too much support from Hanbin as it was. What would Junhoe think if he heard that Hanbin was going out to support him in competition? It would only piss him off, wouldn’t it? 

“Jinan? Why didn’t you say anything earlier, by the way? Why are you only asking me now?” 

“Honestly I forgot about it until Youngbae brought it up during training. I tried to get out of it, but he won’t let me.” Jinhwan shrugged after the explanation, still feeling sorry for himself, which just made him feel guilty. He didn’t want to make anyone feel bad for him when everything was his fault. 

“What do you mean, get out of it? Do you not want to fight?” Bobby asked, curious at Jinhwan’s whole attitude towards it. He’d never once seen Jinhwan anything short of excited at a competition. But he seemed almost afraid of this one, and it lit up a surge of protectiveness that Bobby hadn’t really felt in a while. 

Jinhwan shrugged again. “I guess I just don’t feel like I’m ready for it.” 

“You’ll be fine, Jinan,” Bobby said, throwing an arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders and pulling him close, “you’re a great fighter, I know you’re starting over again at the bottom, but you’ll climb up to the top quick, right? You always do.” 

Jinhwan leaned his head against Bobby’s shoulder, guilty feelings eating away at his mood. He didn’t deserve these nice words from Bobby, not yet. “I guess.” 

“Hey, come on, don’t be like this,” Bobby said, concerned with the response, “you can’t go into this thing with that kind of attitude. Remember the first time you competed when you got your purple belt? You were walking around for weeks, confident that you were going to kick everyone’s . And yeah, you struggled during the fights, but you still won three of them! You even submitted a senior purple belt in a minute. I remember that, it was crazy.” 

Jinhwan remembered it too, but that mindset felt so foreign to him right now, it felt like it had been so long ago that he’d been that person (it hadn’t been long ago at all, he’d felt that way right up until the moment Junhoe erupted at him in anger). He’d been full of vigor and fire, ready to prove himself. Had one breakup really altered his mindset so harshly? Of course it wasn’t just the breakup, it was everything else. 

Bobby trying to hype him up both made him feel better and worse. How long was he supposed to let his guilty conscience control him? It had altered him as a person, and he didn’t like the results. But how was he supposed to beat it? 

“Jinan-ie?” Bobby inquired, worried about him given the silence. It was unlike Jinhwan. “Are you okay?” 

Was he okay? No. Not by a long shot. But he’d abused Bobby’s sympathies too much already. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied, lying through his teeth, “I guess I’m just still feeling a little sensitive about everything, and it’s seeping over into jiu jitsu.” 

Bobby wound his other arm around him, hugging him tightly. “You sure you don’t want me to try and get someone else to cover for me on Sunday?” 

“No! Do your church thing.” The last thing he wanted was Bobby cancelling plans for him. 

“I could get someone to do it, it wouldn’t be a problem.” Bobby couldn’t help but offer. This was weird behaviour for Jinhwan, and he wanted to do whatever he could to help him. 

“Don’t you dare, Kim Jiwon,” Jinhwan threatened, “I’ll be fine, I promise. It’s not a big deal, it’s just a small thing, it’s fine.” 

“I’d do it for you, you know that, right? If you need me, I’m there.” 

Bobby’s voice was so full of genuine concern that it broke Jinhwan a little, and the next thing he knew he was crying into Bobby’s shoulder, letting out all of the compounded emotions he’d been feeling during the past week. 

Bobby just hugged him tighter and rubbed his back, waited until he stopped crying before speaking. “What’s going on, Jinan? Is this still about the Junhoe thing? Do you need to talk about it again?” 

Jinhwan shook his head, because this wasn’t about Junhoe. He hadn’t just broken down in tears because of Junhoe. “Be honest with me, Jiwon,” Jinhwan said, and Bobby’s eyes widened at hearing his birth name, because Jinhwan never used it unless he was really serious, “are you still mad at me for not telling you about moving earlier?” Jinhwan couldn’t stand having it hover over him still, the feeling that Bobby was holding back from him a little. He had to address it. 

Bobby’s expression slid into one of slight discomfort, and he figured it would be good for both of them to talk about this issue again. “No, I’m over that, honestly.” He was over it, though he hadn’t really realized that until now. There were still problems, but that wasn’t one of them. 

“Are you sure? Because, this past week,” Jinhwan struggled a little to talk, his throat still constricted, “I just feel like you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder sometimes. Which I can’t blame you for, I deserve it, but I just need to know what you’re thinking, please.” 

Bobby’s expression softened. “I’m not mad at you, Jinan-ie,” he started, “I’m just jealous.” Even after talking to his mom and admitting it all, Bobby hadn’t said anything to Jinhwan, hadn’t even said it to Hanbin, he’d just kept the jealous feelings to himself and tried to forge ahead. Apparently he hadn’t been doing as good of a job as he’d thought. 

Jinhwan’s mouth fell open in surprise. That hadn’t been the answer he’d been expecting. 

Bobby carried on, looking Jinhwan in the eye. “I know you’re nervous about moving, but it’s exciting too, everything we keep looking up is super exciting, and I just, well, I just wish I was going with you. Even just to visit, you know? To see everything we’re looking up. It’s like, I’m helping you to plan all this stuff, and I won’t get to see any of it. I know jealousy is a bad thing, but I can’t help it.” 

Jinhwan felt a surge of relief at his explanation. Bobby wasn’t mad at him, wasn’t still carrying that around. “I’m sorry I keep asking for your opinions on things, it can’t be helping.” 

Bobby shook his head. “No, no it’s fine! Really, I want to help you. I do, okay? I’m sorry if I’ve been letting my jealousy cloud my excitement for you.” 

Jinhwan frowned. “No, don’t apologize, you shouldn’t be apologizing. This is all my fault. I’m sorry I’m making you feel bad about something else.” At least he didn’t feel as bad about this one, because he knew he’d be feeling the same way if situations were reversed, and it wasn’t anything personal. 

“You shouldn’t apologize either. How about we both stop apologizing, okay? I’ll be more excited for you, and don’t tell me that I don’t have to,” Bobby said, noticing that Jinhwan was about to interrupt, “the more I keep sulking by myself the worse we both feel. We’ll both feel better if I try to be more excited.” 

Jinhwan nodded, even though he still felt a little guilty. “You have a point, I can’t disagree.” 

“But you need to stop feeling guilty, at least towards me,” Bobby replied, “I’m not mad at you, so stop thinking that I am. You have enough to worry about, you shouldn’t still be worrying about me. I love you, okay? I’m here for you, for everything. Whenever you need me.” 

Jinhwan smiled back at him and hugged him again, feeling better at Bobby’s words. “Love you too.” 

Bobby smiled back at him. “Are you sure you don’t need me to change my plans? I know I committed to help at church, but if you need some support, I’ll do it for you. Because you should go, and you should compete.” 

Jinhwan shook his head. He was feeling better already. He’d be fine on Sunday. “No, it’s okay, really. I feel a lot better after our talk just now. I think I’ve just been worrying that you were still angry at me, and it was clouding my brain.” He did feel better, but he still didn’t want to compete. It was a little easier to pretend now, though. 

“Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind. Do you want me to ask Hanbin if he’ll show up?” 

Jinhwan shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I might ask him myself later. I’m just worried about Junhoe finding out about him coming out to support me. I don’t want to cause any problems between them.” 

“Well, let him make that decision, okay? He’s been navigating Junhoe his whole life, he’ll know what to do.” 

Jinhwan smiled at Bobby’s comment, and agreed that he’d leave it up to Hanbin. That wouldn’t keep him from worry about it anyway, though.