Jinhwan had originally planned to tell everyone about California together—Bobby’s reaction would be calmer with Hanbin there, and he’d hoped that having an audience would keep Junhoe from blowing up as well. But Hanbin was stuck at home taking care of a sick Hanbyul while his parents were at a work function, and Jinhwan thought it would feel weird telling Junhoe and Bobby together without him, so he’d settled on Junhoe first, because it was his reaction that Jinhwan worried about the most. He knew Bobby was going to be upset with him, but Bobby’s anger wouldn’t last more than a night, probably. It would be infinitely harder to tell Junhoe if he was already upset over telling Bobby.

So he’d made early afternoon plans with Junhoe, and he was trying to figure out how to bring it up.

Junhoe, however, had his own agenda.

“I know you said you had something you wanted to tell me, hyung, but so do I, and if I don’t do this now I probably won’t even pay attention to whatever it is you want to tell me.” Junhoe was firm in his resolve to tell Jinhwan how he felt right away, before he lost his nerve. After spending the past week looking at it from every angle he’d decided to go for it. The idea of being around Jinhwan but not dating would drive him crazy. He had to take the chance.

Jinhwan frowned, because he was afraid of what Junhoe might be trying to tell him. Maybe it wasn’t about them, though. They hadn’t really talked for a week aside from a few messages, obligatory holiday greetings. But what if Junhoe had been so silent because he’d been thinking about them? Jinhwan really didn’t want to have to tell him after hearing Junhoe confess feelings to him. But that might not be what he was doing. And Junhoe really wouldn’t pay as much attention as he needed to if he had something on his mind already.

Jinhwan nodded. “Okay, you go first.”

Junhoe took a breath to steel himself before launching into his carefully planned explanation. Jinhwan would have to see that he was right after this. He just had to.

“I know, when we started this thing between us, that it was just supposed to be a casual thing. I know we agreed to that. And that was fine at first, I was happy to do that, it worked out really well, and honestly it was probably better that we did it that way first because I know that I can get ridiculous at times. If it had been anything more at first I probably would have just pissed you off and we’d have hated each other after two weeks.”

Jinhwan’s heart dropped into his stomach as he listened. No no no, this was exactly what he was afraid of, this was exactly what he’d been hoping to get in front of!

“But I think we should reevaluate things. I don’t know what your reasons were for wanting it to stay casual, but I’m guessing it was just because you didn’t want us to screw things up for Hanbin and Bobby, and I get that, it was thoughtful. But I think we’re safe now, right?” Junhoe paused, trying to judge the expression on Jinhwan’s face. He looked surprised, but not upset. Not exactly happy either, but Junhoe decided to just chalk that up to shock.

Junhoe really wasn’t good at confessing things, and he had to force himself to meet Jinhwan’s eyes. “Hyung, I really like you, a lot. I’ve never actually liked anyone before. Not the way I like you. I mean, I more than just like you, you know. And I feel like,” Junhoe paused in his rambling then, still slightly unnerved that Jinhwan wasn’t having the happy reaction he’d been expecting, “I feel like you like me too, that way. I’m not wrong, am I?”

Jinhwan just stared at him with a stunned expression. This was starting out wrong. He could hear the emotion in Junhoe’s voice, the hope and determination, and Jinhwan knew that no matter what he chose to say, he was going to crush it. He could lie, and say that he didn’t have the same strong feelings for Junhoe, but he’d still end up hurt in the end when he told him he was leaving.

Jinhwan didn’t want to lie, though. Maybe it was selfish, but he wanted Junhoe to know that he felt the same way, because maybe, by some minute chance, maybe Junhoe might not have the terrible reaction Jinhwan was anticipating. Maybe he’d be open to some kind of resolution.

Anything was possible.

“No, Junhoe, you’re not wrong.”

Junhoe wasn’t sure what to do with Jinhwan’s response. It was an admission of his feelings, the same feelings he himself had for Jinhwan. That should mean they ought to be happy to actually date each other, right? So why did Jinhwan look like he was heartbroken?

“Hyung, that’s good, isn’t it? We both like each other, we both feel the same way.”

Jinhwan couldn’t answer him because his throat felt too thick with emotion, his lips sewed shut out of fear.

“Hyung, why don’t you look happy? What’s wrong? I thought, if we talked and we agreed, I thought, you know, I thought everything would be okay…” Junhoe was confused, more confused than he’d ever felt in his life.

What the was the problem? Jinhwan should be smiling right now, they should be kissing, really kissing, for the first time, as boyfriends.

Why wasn’t he smiling?

“Junhoe, I’m moving.” Jinhwan barely choked the words out. “That’s what I wanted to tell you.”

Junhoe’s face dropped for a few seconds before he recovered. “What, back to Jeju? That’s not, well that’s not that bad.”

Jinhwan shook his head. If only it was Jeju. “California.”

Junhoe felt like the ground had opened up beneath him, he felt like he’d lost his footing and was tumbling headfirst into, what, a pit of lava? A pit of spikes? Poisonous vipers, waiting to to rip into his skin? “Wait, California? Why are you going there?” What the was in California that Jinhwan couldn’t get in Korea?

“Jiu jitsu,” Jinhwan replied, barely able to talk, “I’m going to train with Rener Gracie.”

Comprehension dawned sudden and violent on Junhoe’s face, twisting his expression into something ugly. “This is why you didn’t want us to date,” Junhoe said, his voice oddly calm, like he was suppressing a great rage, “this is why you wanted it casual, isn’t it?” Jinhwan nodded, but Junhoe wasn’t done talking yet. “You knew, didn’t you? When you suggested it, you knew you were leaving.”

Jinhwan nodded again. “I didn’t know for sure, but I knew that I wanted to.”

“You knew and you didn’t tell me?” Junhoe could barely think straight for the anger and hurt. All the weeks of wondering why Jinhwan didn’t want to date him, all the times he’d contemplated the possible reasons why he wasn’t enough for Jinhwan, and it had never actually been about him at all.

“I didn’t know for sure,” Jinhwan tried to explain, his mouth dry, it was hard to breathe. “I couldn’t do it without my mom’s support, and I didn’t talk to her about it until now—”

“You could have told me!” Junhoe yelled at him, the dam bursting finally. “You still could have told me that was the reason!”

“I’m sorry, okay, I didn’t want—”

Junhoe cut him off. “I don’t care what you want, I don’t ing care! You should have told me, at the beginning, so I wouldn’t have wasted my time!”

Jinhwan’s eyes were tearing up already. This was exactly what he’d been afraid of, Junhoe blowing up and taking it harshly. The worst part, though, was that Junhoe was right. He should have told him. He should have told everyone. “I’m sorry—”

Junhoe cut him off again, not in the mood to listen to anyone right now. “You know, for the past damn month, longer actually, I kept wondering, I kept thinking to myself, why doesn’t Jinhwan want to date me? What’s wrong with me? What about me doesn’t he like? I thought I was just too immature, maybe you thought I was too annoying, I was too loud. But I’m not, am I?” Junhoe paused finally, looking at Jinhwan in expectation of an answer.

Jinhwan shook his head. “No, you’re not. You’re not any of those things.” Maybe he should have lied. Maybe he should have told Junhoe that he just wasn’t that into him. Maybe it would have hurt him less.

“You made me feel like for weeks, because I thought there was something wrong with me. Instead it was you, it was just you lying to me.” Junhoe took a long shuddering breath, barely able to keep those stupid damn tears in the corners of his eyes at bay. This was bull. Everything about it was bull.

Jinhwan knew he deserved it all. He’d had his reasons for keeping it to himself, of course, but he could have gone about it differently, or he could have cut it off when he knew feelings were getting involved.

“I’m sorry, honestly, there’s nothing wrong with you, and if I wasn’t leaving, I’d have asked you out officially like, a week into things. I really like you, Junhoe-ya, I’m really sorry I never told you.”

Junhoe shook his head, his fingers flexing like he wanted to reach out and strangle Jinhwan. “ing keep it, okay? Keep your bull lines about how much you like me, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Junhoe-ya, please—”

“Why didn’t you just lie to me?” Junhoe asked, his voice breaking suddenly. “I wish you’d just lied to me, and told me that you didn’t like me that much. That would have been easier.” God, why had he said that? Why was he giving Jinhwan that kind of ammunition, proof about how deep the wound was cutting him?

Jinhwan couldn’t even say anything in response. He should have lied. If he’d been thinking about Junhoe’s feelings, he would have lied, wouldn’t he? Because as much as he’d been hoping for something unexpectedly positive, he knew it was going to end this way. With Junhoe angry and hurt and disappointed.

Jinhwan knew exactly how bad it hurt to hear exactly what he’d said to Junhoe, because it was the same thing that had happened to him with Eric, wasn’t it? Eric had told him the truth, but he’d also told him that if it wasn’t for his family, he’d keep things going. But the confession had been more for Eric’s comfort than his own, and Jinhwan had cried every day for weeks. Nothing stung more than the idea that he was both enough yet not enough.

He should have known better than to expect Junhoe to take it any better than he’d taken it. Instead he’d been too focused on himself, too focused on how to minimize the damage if everything went better than expected. Selfish.

Junhoe wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, if anything. But the longer they stood there, the longer Jinhwan stood there and said nothing, the angrier Junhoe felt.

It could have been so good, but Jinhwan had ed it up, all of it. Junhoe would never forgive him for ruining his first love.

“Thanks for all the training, hyung, but we’re done. I don’t even want to see you anymore.” He turned and fled the scene, longing in his heart for Jinhwan to run behind him and beg him not to go, to stay so they could talk things out. But that longing was only met with fresh anger at himself for even wanting it.

Jinhwan had hurt him, deeply. He didn’t deserve , he especially didn’t deserve Junhoe’s desperate desire to try and fix things. He didn’t deserve all the love that was still there in Junhoe’s heart, that had been ready to be expressed properly. He didn’t deserve it.

Jinhwan just stood rooted to the spot, watching him go, helpless to stop him. It had gone even worse than he’d expected, to be honest. He’d known Junhoe would be upset, but he hadn’t expected him to storm off like that without giving him a chance to really talk about it.

Had he expected too much? Had he underestimated the depth of Junhoe’s feelings for him? Clearly.

He took his phone out of his jacket pocket, staring at the screen. It was a picture of the four of them, he and Junhoe and Hanbin and Bobby.

God, he’d just ed their group up, hadn’t he?

He’d have ed it up even if nothing had been going on with Junhoe, though, if they’d only stayed as friends, if he hadn’t gone and gotten selfish. It was like destiny. He’d been destined to things up for the people he cared about the most. He’d gotten his mom back, but was he going to have to sacrifice his friends for it? He opened his messenger app and started typing.

-junhoe im sorry u probably dont wanna hear from me i know but im sorry-
-im sorry for hurting u i should have told u-

He wanted to keep writing, wanted to keep sending messages until Junhoe replied. But that wasn’t how Junhoe worked, he knew that. Junhoe would retreat, probably to Hanbin, and then he’d delete Jinhwan and block him everywhere.

It was all his own fault. But that didn’t make it any easier to accept.
 

By the time Junhoe made it to Hanbin’s he’d blocked Jinhwan’s number and deleted him from his messenger apps. He deleted all the pictures on his phone (almost all, he forgot an old one, from when they went to the orchestra concert together).

He knew Hanbin was at home, watching Hanbyul, so he hadn’t bothered to ask him if he could come over. He just showed up and rang Hanbin from the lobby, gruffly demanded to be let in. Two minutes later he walked into Hanbin’s apartment, kicking his shoes off at the door, throwing his jacket down on top of them. Hanbin was on the couch, a textbook in his lap. It annoyed Junhoe.

“What the are you studying for, we’re not back to school for another two weeks.” He threw himself onto the floor by Hanbin’s feet.

“I like studying.” Hanbin watched him with curiosity, wondering what could possibly have Junhoe so incensed he was taking it out on Hanbin’s study habits.

“Yeah, well, stop, okay?” Junhoe wanted to tell him everything, wanted to spill it all, but he had no idea where to start.

Hanbin closed his book and tossed it aside. “There, the offensive inanimate object is gone, banished from my hands for the duration of your visit.” When the teasing line didn’t even get an eye roll out of Junhoe, Hanbin knew it had to be something serious. He hadn’t had a Junhoe meltdown in a while, actually, not since Jinhwan.

Was this about Jinhwan?

“I was right all along, by the way,” Junhoe blurted out, because he’d never start talking if he thought about it too much.

“You being right? That’s a first.” Hanbin teased, hoping to deflect some of Junhoe’s irate feelings. He didn’t want him to get too loud since Hanbyul was sleeping. She was knocked out on cold medication, but he could never be too sure.

But Junhoe ignored the teasing. “I was right about Jinhwan. He’s an , and a liar, and he doesn’t think about anyone except himself.”

Hanbin’s mouth dropped in surprise at the angry comment. This was bad. “What did he do?” Best to let Junhoe just get it all out.

“I never should have trusted him,” Junhoe said, “that was my mistake from the beginning. I knew it, in my gut I ing knew it, but then you had to go and screw it up by dating Bobby. So, in essence, this is mostly your fault.”

Hanbin sighed and laid down on the couch, his head near Junhoe’s. “Fine, it’s my fault, whatever. Are you going to tell me what happened or not?”

Junhoe glared at him, too caught up in his own heartache to realize he was projecting his anger at the wrong person. “I told you, Kim Jinhwan is an , and I’m the world’s biggest ing idiot for trusting him.”

Hanbin frowned. Usually he didn’t have to pry for information when Junhoe was upset. Usually Junhoe would be machine gun spitting a list of offenses at him by now, and Hanbin would be struggling to keep up. But he wasn’t actually saying anything. Jinhwan had done something to upset him—but what?

Jinhwan had texted him earlier, asked him if he was busy tonight, said there was something he wanted to talk to him about. This must have been it. But what was it? He was dying to know, but he couldn’t very well text Jinhwan right now, not with Junhoe sitting at his feet.

Junhoe finally stopped glaring at Hanbin and instead directed his gaze at the wall. He should probably tell Hanbin what the deal was, but he was hesitant. He didn’t want Hanbin to know how he felt about Jinhwan. Didn’t want him to know how serious his feelings had gotten. But he couldn’t possibly hope to explain why he was so upset about Jinhwan moving without admitting it all.

Maybe he wouldn’t say anything about his feelings. He’d just tell Hanbin that Jinhwan was leaving him, and let Hanbin figure the rest of it out. He was good at that.

“Jinhwan’s moving to California.”

Hanbin wasn’t sure if he’d heard him right. A few seconds of silence passed before he had to ask to clarify. “I’m sorry, did you say he’s moving to California?”

“Yep.” Junhoe wouldn’t answer any other questions. He’d given Hanbin the information he needed to figure things out, and that was it. No more.

Hanbin was surprised at the news. Had that been what Jinhwan had wanted to tell him? His first instinct was to wonder if Bobby knew. He would have said something if he had, wouldn’t he? But it wasn’t Bobby who was in front of him right now, and Hanbin pondered for a moment why Junhoe would be this upset about Jinhwan moving. He knew they had a thing going, some casual relationship.

It wasn’t casual anymore, was it? Not for Junhoe, at least.

Hanbin slid down off the couch, sitting on the floor next to Junhoe. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” It was risky, asking him straight out like this. But Junhoe wouldn’t be this upset otherwise, there was no way.

Of course Hanbin had figured it out right away. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Junhoe didn’t want to admit to how deeply Hanbin’s question hit him, didn’t want to admit how much it hurt to hear the truth spoken out loud.

Hanbin wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Usually when Junhoe was upset he didn’t pry right away, he just let him vent and then gave him a night to be angry and upset and over the top. Then he’d slowly start to redirect Junhoe’s feelings towards something positive.

But Junhoe had never been in love before. This was uncharted territory.

“When is he going?”

Junhoe shrugged, because that was an answer he actually didn’t even have. “Don’t know.”

“Why is he going?”

Junhoe didn’t want to have to answer. Why was Hanbin asking? Couldn’t he just drop it?

“For jiu jitsu. To train with some guys.” It was an easy answer at least, not personal. That was the only reason he was giving it.

“And you’re upset because he’s leaving you?” Hanbin was still unsure about what exactly Junhoe was so lividly angry about.

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it.” Junhoe replied, turning his head to glare at Hanbin.

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to make sense of things.” Hanbin wanted to help, but he wasn’t sure what was best for Junhoe right now. It was such a personal topic that he wasn’t sure that just letting it go would be the right option.

“I’m pissed because he never told me, okay? He knew, months ago he knew when we first started hooking up. That’s why he wanted it to stay casual between us, okay? Are you ing happy now?” Junhoe bit the inside of his cheek and looked at the wall again. God, why was he feeling so emotional about this? He couldn’t even say it out loud without tears welling up in his eyes. It was pathetic.

Hanbin understood it all now. “You wanted it to be more, didn’t you? You asked him, and that’s when he told you he was moving.” That had to be it. Nothing else made sense.

Junhoe’s fingers were digging tightly into his arms because he wanted to reach out and throttle Hanbin right now.  He wasn’t going to answer. He wasn’t acknowledging it as a question.

Hanbin wasn’t giving up, though. “Did you ask him why he never told you? Maybe he had a good reason.”

Junhoe could almost feel his eyeballs igniting at the question. What the was Hanbin even thinking?! “Good reason? You think there’s a good reason why he lied to me and made me question myself for months? Made me wonder why he didn’t think I was good enough to date?” Junhoe said it all without meaning to.

Ah, there’s the real problem. “He probably had no idea how you felt, you’re not exactly an easy person to read.” Well, not unless he was angry about things.

Junhoe felt like Hanbin had just kicked his jaw clean off his head and followed it up by smashing him in the gut with a sledgehammer. Junhoe was so hurt he didn’t even realize there were tears in his eyes.

“You know what, Hanbin? I know you always like to take your moral high ground and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but would it kill you to just take my side on this? Can’t you just be angry, for me, because I’m your best friend and I’m really hurt? You should be on my side, not Jinhwan’s.” Junhoe was on the verge of getting up and leaving when Hanbin’s hand clamped onto his arm, and even though Junhoe didn’t want to look at him he did, and he felt a little better when he saw the guilty, remorseful expression in Hanbin’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. I am on your side, okay? I’m always on your side.”

Junhoe averted his gaze again, staring at the wall and refusing to reach up and wipe the tears out of his eyes because wiping them would mean acknowledging them and Jinhwan was not worth crying over.

Hanbin put an arm around his shoulders and leaned on him. “Jinhwan’s an who doesn’t deserve to your feet.”

Junhoe was half tempted to shove him away, but he also kind of needed this right now. “I don’t want him anywhere near my feet.”

Hanbin carried on, because this was what Junhoe needed right now. “He’s garbage, complete trash, rotting garbage not even worthy of being taken to the dump.”

Junhoe couldn’t help it. He turned his head to fix his gaze back on Hanbin again, and he felt a little better when Hanbin grinned at him.

“How am I doing?”

“ing terrible.” It was a lie. Hanbin always seemed to know exactly what to say to make him feel a little better, even though Junhoe didn’t always want to admit it. But that’s why he’d come here, because he knew that if anyone could make him hurt a little less, it was Hanbin.

Hanbin grinned, because that really meant that he was doing pretty good. “You wanna just watch TV, or something?”

“Yeah, it’s almost time for Running Man, isn’t it? Put that on.” Junhoe felt relieved at the offer. He didn’t really want to talk about it, but he also didn’t want to be alone right now. He just wanted to ignore it, he just wanted things to be normal, he wanted to watch TV with Hanbin and spend the whole time insulting each other. Their usual routine. He wasn’t going to think about Jinhwan at all.
 

Bobby was on his bed, playing a game on his phone when Jinhwan walked into his room unannounced, laying down next to him on the bed. Bobby didn’t really take much notice of him at first because this wasn’t unusual behaviour for Jinhwan. But Jinhwan’s arm s its way around him tightly and Jinhwan buried his face in Bobby’s hoodie.

Bobby paused his game, laying a hand on Jinhwan’s head. “You okay, Jinan?”

Jinhwan had been trying not to cry, especially not before he came clean to Bobby, but there was something about that damn sentence that had a way of ruining everything, and suddenly he was sobbing into Bobby’s side, his guilty conscience eating him alive.

Bobby was going to take this hard. Jinhwan was sure of it after Junhoe.

“Hey, Jinan, what the hell happened? What’s wrong?” Bobby’s protective mode flared on like a furnace, nearly crushing the breath out of him. He hadn’t seen Jinhwan cry like this in years, not since the worst of his times with his parents’ divorce.

Jinhwan knew he needed to stop crying. It wasn’t fair to Bobby if he came into this already looking like the victim. But he was terrified of the outcome, and maybe he was just trying to soften Bobby up on purpose.

Jinhwan pushed himself up, rubbing at his eyes with his sleeves. “I, uh, I have something I need to tell you. And I’m just afraid of how you’re going to respond to it.”

Bobby shook his head and reached for Jinhwan’s hand. “What do you mean? Jinan, you don’t have to worry, there’s nothing you could tell me that you need to worry about.”

Jinhwan wished that were true. “I told you that I talked to my mom, and she’s supporting the jiu jitsu thing now, but I didn’t tell you everything.” He should have told Bobby as soon as he’d gotten back. He’d wanted to, but Bobby’s parents had prepared a big meal for them instead, and he hadn’t wanted to ruin that first night back. But it would have been better.

Bobby looked at him, curious about where this was going. What could he possibly be upset and worried about?

“Well, I uh, there’s no easy way to say this, and I know that I should have told you ages ago, as soon as I decided to go for it, I should have told you, and I’m sorry.”

Bobby squeezed his hand, still confused. “Jinan, it’s okay, just tell me now.”

Jinhwan found it hard to swallow around the lump in his throat, found it hard to breathe. He clung tightly to Bobby’s hands, hoped he was going to be wrong about Bobby’s reaction. “I’m leaving, after I graduate in March. I’m leaving Seoul.”

Bobby’s expression fell and he bit the inside of his cheek to keep the disappointment at bay. This shouldn’t be a huge surprise. If Jinhwan was finally on good terms with his mother about jiu jitsu, then of course he’d want to go back to Jeju to be with her. They had a lot of years to make up for, after all. Bobby would miss having him there every day, but they’d dealt with it before.

“Jinan, don’t worry, it’s okay. I understand, you wanna move back with your mom. It’s good, you should. It’ll be good for both of you.”

Jinhwan shook his head. “I’m not going to Jeju, Bobby. I’m moving to California.”

Bobby didn’t answer at first, but it was all there on his face, the shock, the surprise, the disappointment. “California? That’s like, a whole ing ocean away.”

Jinhwan nodded, waited for him to say more.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Bobby couldn’t believe it. Jinhwan, moving to the US. Leaving him, really leaving, too far away for Bobby to go and visit.

“I’m sorry, I really am, I should have told you a long time ago—”

“Long time? Jinan, how long have you known about this?”

Jinhwan tried to swallow but couldn’t, his throat was too dry. “I uh, I started thinking about it in the summer, but I decided I really wanted to do it after winning that last tournament. I talked to Eric, and he helped me realize what I really wanted.”

“Eric, your old trainer, right?” Jinhwan nodded, and Bobby was still stunned. “Why the are you going to California? What’s there?”

“I’m going for jiu jitsu, there’s a group I want to train with, the Gracie family, founders of the sport. Eric trained there, got his black belt, and I want to do the same.” Jinhwan took a deep breath to try to stay calm. Bobby wasn’t blowing up yet, at least. That was good.

Bobby was just trying to make sense of things before really reacting. He was still confused about the whole thing. “Why do you need to go? Why don’t you just train with Eric? If he trained with them, he could train you for your black belt, couldn’t he? You always said you missed training with him. Why do you have to go to California? It’s so far.”

It was such a hard question to answer like this, because no matter what he said, it wouldn’t seem like enough to Bobby. “It’s a huge opportunity for me, they don’t just agree to train anyone, you have to be recommended, and then accepted. They accepted me, I’d be crazy not to do this. I’ll learn so much there, more than anyone here could teach me.”

Bobby had stopped listening. It didn’t matter. Actually, if he was being honest, Jinhwan’s explanation just made it worse. He was leaving to go to some exclusive, cream of the crop training school, some place that didn’t just accept the average guy. He was leaving Bobby behind. Discarded, like trash, after years of supporting him and being there.

“Why are you telling me now? Why didn’t you tell me last night, or earlier today?” Bobby didn’t want to think about him leaving, couldn’t accept it. So instead he focused on some other detail.

Jinhwan felt like everything was coming undone now. Bobby’s anger was slowly starting to simmer, and Jinhwan could practically feel the steam coming from him. Bobby was upset at him for keeping it secret, and now he was going to be even more angry to find out that he hadn’t even been the first one Jinhwan had told. But he couldn’t lie about it. Not now.

“I ed things up with Junhoe.” He didn’t want to look at Bobby, didn’t want to see the look on his face. Because he knew what he’d see there. Betrayal and disappointment.

“Junhoe?” Bobby repeated the name, confused about what Junhoe had to do with anything.

“Yeah, we had our thing, you know, the thing that was supposed to be casual, but—” Jinhwan pinched himself to keep from crying, everything was breaking him open right now, “I really like him, Bobby, I didn’t mean to, but I do, and he likes me too, but now I ruined everything and I think he hates me. I told him, and he just told me we were done and he left, but I don’t want it to be done.” Jinhwan really hadn’t meant to unload everything about Junhoe like that, he knew it would only make the situation worse. But the words had just started coming out and he’d been powerless to stop them.

Bobby was so incensed on his own behalf already, and he latched on to Junhoe’s pain too. “Well I can’t blame him. He should be pissed off with you, you deserve it.” Bobby suddenly noticed that Jinhwan was still clinging to his hand and he violently shook his hand free.

Jinhwan barely managed to restrain himself from reaching for Bobby again, not wanting to let him go, afraid he might lose him too. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m so, so sorry. I should have told you sooner, but I didn’t know if my mom would agree to let me go, and there was no way I’d be able to without her support, and I just, I was afraid of telling people, and getting my hopes up. I wanted to wait until I talked to her. That way if she said no, then no one would have known, and they wouldn’t have to be worried.”

Bobby didn’t accept the explanation. “You do the same over and over! You only think about yourself, you never take anyone else’s feelings into account. You just do selfish things, and then when they blow up in your face you want everyone to treat you like you’re the victim. But you’re not the victim, Jinan, you’re never the victim. You always keep everything to yourself, you never tell me anything, ever, you just wait until it’s too late and then you come crying to me, wanting me to help you.”

Bobby got up from the bed, pacing in front of it. “It’s bull! I tell you everything, even when I don’t want to, because you deserve to know. You’re my best friend, Jinan, you’re my ing brother, and you never tell me anything. It’s like, I don’t know, like I don’t even ing matter to you. I’m just there. I’m stuck with you anyway, so I don’t get priority. But I should. I deserve it!”

Jinhwan was shocked into complete silence by Bobby’s words. He’d never once complained about anything of this nature before. Sure, there were jokes about his sometimes selfish behaviour, but they’d never come across as anything that had truly bothered him. But from the way Bobby was going on, it seemed like this was something he’d been holding back for a while, letting it fester.

“And now you’re leaving, and not only did you not tell me, but when you finally were ready to tell, you told someone else first! You should have told me, I should have been the first one to find out! But you told Junhoe! Why, because you’re ing him? He gets priority over me, some guy you’ve been messing around with for a month? He’s suddenly more important than me?”

Oh god. Oh god what had he done? Bobby was right.

“Bobby, I’m so—”

“Sorry? your apologies, Jinan. They don’t mean . You know why? Because you never learn. You never ing learn. So you.” Bobby couldn’t take it anymore, there was too much hurt in his heart right now, too much to be angry about. He stormed out of his bedroom, heading for the door.

“Jiwon-ah? Where are you going?”

His mother. How much had she heard? Bobby shook his head as he stuffed his feet into the nearest pair of sneakers and grabbed his jacket. He didn’t answer her, certain she was going to try and make him stay, certain she was going to try and lecture him about not talking to family like that, questioning his judgement, his character—Jinhwan is your brother, Jiwon, don’t you love him enough to give him a chance to explain?

But that was the problem. That was the whole heart of the matter, and it stung him so sharply now that it was clear to him.

He loved Jinhwan, he’d risk his life for Jinhwan, he’d do anything he could for him.

But Jinhwan clearly didn’t love him as much. No one mattered to Jinhwan as much as Jinhwan himself.

Bobby didn’t know where he was going, exactly, except for as far away as possible. He took the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator, pounding heavily on each step down the six flights. The stomping made him feel slightly better.

Jinhwan was leaving. His best friend, the person who’d been there with him through so much of life, the first person he wanted to tell all of his news to, the most important person in his life…

Okay, so maybe Hanbin was kind of up there on equal grounds with Jinhwan now, but that was different. Different than whatever Jinhwan might be feeling for Junhoe. He was in love with Hanbin, knew he wanted to spend his life with him. But even so, if he’d been planning to leave the first person he’d tell would have been Jinhwan. He certainly wouldn’t treat him like an afterthought, wouldn’t treat him like nothing more than a shoulder to cry on because he’d—

Hold on. What had Jinhwan’s initial tears been about when he’d come into Bobby’s room? Bobby had thought they’d been for him, for them, thought Jinhwan had felt guilty about telling him that he was moving.

Had they actually been about Junhoe instead?

Bobby wound up by the Han, and he stood on the bank of the river with his arms crossed over his chest, looking out at the lights from the other side. Gangnam was across the river. Hanbin.

He took out his phone, dialing his boyfriend’s number. He needed to talk to him, needed to hear his voice, needed the comfort. But Hanbin didn’t answer. Maybe he was in the bathroom.

Bobby tried again. And again. After letting it ring through to voicemail four times he finally sent him a text.

-calll me pls i need u-

He kept his phone out in his hand, waiting. Maybe he was in the shower. Hanbin never ignored his calls, or his texts. He was at home tonight, looking after—

Ah, of course. He was probably doing something with his sister. Maybe giving her a bath, or something. Putting her to bed. He’d probably be done soon.

Ten minutes passed and still nothing. Bobby tried to stay calm, but he was just b with unshed emotion right now. There was anger, simmering just below boiling point. Disappointment, chewing away at his memories of life with Jinhwan. Betrayal, at Junhoe taking over his spot in Jinhwan’s list of priorities.

He looked down at his phone, but there was still nothing. He couldn’t stand the silence and he typed another message.

-bin pls pls call me i need to talk-

Bobby could feel tears threatening to spill out of his eyes and he hated it, hated feeling so vulnerable. He should be angry, not sad. He should be punching something, not crying. His phone dinged then and it felt like a beacon, felt like it was a lifeboat he needed to cling to. But Hanbin’s message wasn’t what Bobby wanted to see.

-im sorry i cant right now :( im with junhoe, hes really upset. ill call you in a bit tho okay?-

Junhoe, again. Bobby felt like throwing his phone into the river. Why the was everyone prioritizing Junhoe over him? It wasn’t even Junhoe’s fault, either, so it’s not like Bobby could be angry at him.

-hyung im sorry, i love you, k?-

Hanbin’s second message hit Bobby like a kick in the knees, and he crumpled down to the grass.

Hanbin understood all about priorities. Junhoe was hurting too right now, because of Jinhwan, and he’d gotten to Hanbin first. What did he expect Hanbin to do, drop Junhoe for him? The very same thing he was angry with Jinhwan for doing? He was just going to have to handle this thing on his own right now. He blinked back his tears before writing a reply to Hanbin.

-its ok im good, be wit jun right now-
-i love u bin-

Bobby took a deep breath and tried to calm down, tried to think about the situation from an outside view. Who really needed support the most right now? Who was really hurting the worst? Him, or Jinhwan?

Because, at the end of the day, despite feeling hurt and betrayed right now, Jinhwan was still the one who was leaving. Just because he wanted to leave, that didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be hard. Jinhwan was facing an entirely new life, in a country where everything would be strange, where he’d feel like an outsider, customs and language driving a wedge in between he and the majority of people he was going to meet.

Bobby was going to lose Jinhwan, but Jinhwan was going to lose everyone. Including the guy he’d just accidentally fallen in love with, who might not even want to see him again before he left.

He hated to admit it, but Jinhwan needed him, more than he needed someone else. Hanbin was there for Junhoe right now, his best friend, and as hurt as he was, Bobby knew that he should be there for Jinhwan. It wasn’t going to be easy, and it was bound to keep hurting before it got any better. But it wouldn’t get better with anger and hurt feelings. It would only get better by talking to Jinhwan, by understanding why everything had happened the way it had happened.

So he got up from the ground and started the walk back home, started thinking of what he wanted to say to Jinhwan. He couldn’t just let it go, because he did feel truly wronged, and it wasn’t always a good idea to just forget things without getting the resolution you felt you needed. But maybe for tonight he’d put himself to the side. Just because Jinhwan hadn’t prioritized him, that didn’t mean that he had to do the same.

He took the elevator when he got back. He was worn out, exhausted after the intense burst of emotions. He kind of just wanted to sleep, sure things would be better in the morning.

He didn’t know what to expect when he got back. Would his mother be waiting for him at the door, ready to scold him for so rudely taking off? Would Jinhwan be off in his own room, steeped in guilt, refusing to talk to him?

Bobby took a deep breath when he reached his apartment door. He checked his phone before entering, just out of habit, and there was a message from Hanbin. It was just a string of heart emojis, but it made him feel better. It also reinforced his belief that Jinhwan was more hurt than he was right now. No matter what happened now Hanbin had his back, he’d be there to help him through things.

He opened the door and walked quietly into the apartment, glancing around for his mother. She was sitting at the table, waiting for him, and he braced himself for an admonishing lecture about his behaviour.

But instead what he got was a hug and a kiss that bordered on being almost too much right now. But he took it, because it was so much better than a scolding.

“Are you okay, my baby?”

Bobby’s lip trembled at her question, and he buried his face into her neck to try and stop himself from crying. Why had he thought she’d be against him? This was his mother, who knew him so well, knew that even in those moments when he acted rudely that underneath it all was a good kid with a heart that was hurt. Of course she wouldn’t yell at him.

“I talked to Jinhwan-ie, and he told me about your fight. I’m here if you need me, okay baby? I love you.” She kissed his cheek again and Bobby let one single solitary sob escape from his throat. That was all, though. He had more important things to do right now than cry on his mom’s shoulder. There would be time for that later.

“I’m okay,” he said, even though he obviously wasn’t okay, but she smiled and patted his cheek and let him go.

The walk down the hall was slow, and he came to Jinhwan’s room first. But he wasn’t there, which meant that he’d stayed in Bobby’s room. Something about that just made him feel soft.

He walked into his own bedroom and immediately his eyes took in Jinhwan, who was laid out on his bed. But there, in Jinhwan’s arms, was Bobby’s old Pooh bear. In Bobby’s own absence Jinhwan had chosen to cling to Bobby’s childhood treasure, and it just made Bobby want to cry again.

Hurt feelings aside, come the spring Jinhwan was going to leave, he was going to be an ocean away, in a completely different time zone. Bobby didn’t want to waste any of their short time left being angry at him. He didn’t say anything as he sank down onto the bed behind Jinhwan, he just s an arm around him and hugged him tightly.

Jinhwan hadn’t noticed him come back, not until he felt Bobby’s familiar arm settle around him. He rolled over to face him, feeling terrible when he took in the state of Bobby’s blotchy, tear-streaked cheeks. He’d never seen him like this before. Of the two of them Jinhwan was the one who cried, who wore his emotions on his sleeve and wasn’t afraid to show them. Bobby was the stoic one, the one who could be upset but still keep his tears firmly in his tear ducts.

Bobby surprised him with his opening line.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you, and for leaving.”

Jinhwan didn’t know how to respond to that, because he felt like the last thing he deserved right now was an apology from Bobby. He should be the one apologizing.

“I didn’t even ask you, but, how long,” Bobby’s voice broke on the word, and he cleared his throat to cover the sob that was threatening to come out, “how long are you going for?”

“I don’t know,” Jinhwan replied, “I’m enrolling in a music program, too. Instead of SNU. So, probably a few years.” He acutely felt the length of it for the first time just now, fully felt how long he was going to be away for. Was this really the right decision for him? Could he really leave for that long?

Bobby nodded, blinking back tears. “I, uh, I just, I just wanted to say, you know, to tell you, that I’m gonna—” god why was it so hard to just say it? “I’m gonna miss you, Jinan. I don’t want you to go, but I know you gotta do it.”

Jinhwan could hear the struggle in Bobby’s voice, could hear the tears he was trying so hard to keep in, and just hearing him say it out loud made Jinhwan cry again. Bobby wasn’t saying it to fish for an apology, though, he was saying it because he meant it, and Jinhwan was grateful to hear it.

Bobby pulled Jinhwan tighter into his arms, burying his face in Jinhwan’s hair. He felt kind of better after saying it, felt like he’d lifted a weight off his own shoulders.

“I’m proud of you, too, for getting accepted.”

Jinhwan pulled his head back, looked him in the eyes. Bobby looked proud, looked like he really meant it.

“Thank you.”

They were quiet for a minute then, like neither of them were sure what to say.

“When are you leaving?”

“I don’t know for sure,” Jinhwan replied, “probably some time in April. I won’t start music until the fall, but I wanted to go earlier to get more used to being there.” What had seemed like a good idea when he’d talked about it with his mother just felt like a horrible mistake now. Did he really have to go so soon? Thornton wouldn’t be starting until September. Maybe he should delay it, go in August instead.

Bobby nodded, his heart hurt at the news. So soon. “Are you like, gonna stay there, for holidays, and stuff?”

Jinhwan shrugged. He hadn’t asked his mom about that. He already felt guilty enough about how much this was going to cost her. He didn’t want to think about plane tickets for the holidays too. “I don’t know yet, I hope I’ll be able to come home. But I don’t know.”

“You’ll be okay, Jinan,” Bobby said, “it’ll be good.”

Jinhwan tightened his arms around Bobby, grateful to hear him try and be supportive. “I don’t know, honestly I’m kinda scared. I’ll be there, alone, I won’t have anyone. I’ve never been alone before. What do I do if something goes wrong?”

Bobby hugged him tighter. “It won’t, okay? It won’t, it’ll be good.”

“But what if it’s not?”

“You won’t be alone for long. You’ll make friends, right?” Bobby hated to say it, hated to think about it. Of course Jinhwan would make friends over in the US, he’d find a new group of people to hang out with. Bobby felt jealous of them already, and they didn’t even exist yet.

“Yeah, but, they won’t be you.” Jinhwan looked in his eyes as he said it, because he wanted to make sure that Bobby believed it. After his blowup earlier, Jinhwan was suddenly afraid that he’d never really made sure that Bobby knew how important he was, how much he loved him. “I’m gonna miss you more than anyone.”

The words had their intended effect, and Bobby smiled when he heard them. “Let’s talk every day, okay?”

“Every day.” Jinhwan promised. They were silent for a while after that, neither of them moving. Eventually Jinhwan looked up at him again.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Even if I didn’t want to worry anyone else, I should have told you. Everything you said about me is true, and I’m sorry I only thought about myself.”

Bobby wanted to tell him it was okay, wanted to say that it didn’t matter. But it did matter, and this was one of those times when he couldn’t lie and brush a hard topic aside just to save his pride. “You really hurt me, Jinan,” he said in a voice barely louder than a whisper, “like, I forgive you, but it hurt that you told Junhoe before me.”

“I know, I only did it because I knew Junhoe would flip out, and I was hoping you’d feel bad for me. It was really selfish, and mean, too. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like I don’t care about you,” Jinhwan was trying to keep his tears in check to get through it all, but the realization that he’d made Bobby question his devotion to their friendship hurt him so much that he couldn’t get through it.

Bobby tightened his arms around Jinhwan again and he pressed his face into Jinhwan’s hair. “I know, and it’s okay, well it’s not okay but it’s okay now, you know—” it was hard to figure out how to say what he really wanted to say.

Jinhwan understood, though. “Thank you,” he managed to get out in between breaths.

“I’m sorry Junhoe took it bad,” Bobby said, “he’s with Bin.” Hanbin was good at talking to Junhoe. Bobby was going to pray every single day that maybe Hanbin could help Junhoe get over his anger.

Jinhwan didn’t say anything in response, but he had the same thoughts as Bobby. Maybe Hanbin would get through to Junhoe, just so they could have a talk, at least have a better ending. Jinhwan wasn’t about to tempt fate and ask for anything more than that. Just one last conversation without any anger or yelling. One last chance to apologize and maybe even tell Junhoe that he loved him. If Junhoe would be okay with hearing it.

Anything more than that was only a dream.