-u busy? need to talk to u bout somethin-

Hanbin opened the message again, staring down at the words while he waited for Bobby. It was Friday night, and they hadn’t seen each other since the basketball final on Wednesday. They’d barely talked yesterday or today, though it wasn’t for lack of trying on his part. He’d sent Bobby his usual daily texts and while Bobby had replied to them, those replies hadn’t offered much in return.

He’d been worried about the outcome of the game before it had happened, wondered if Bobby would be sour over losing. He’d seemed surprisingly okay in the moment after the game, in better spirits than Hanbin had expected. But the silence ever since was eating at Hanbin, making him nervous about whether or not it had all been an act. Was Bobby feeling weird about the loss now? What kind of a message was that anyway? He needed to talk but didn’t say what it was about. Didn’t even respond except to confirm a meeting place.

And now Bobby was late, on top of it. The whole thing just made Hanbin nervous, and he was nervous about things with Bobby so rarely. In fact he hadn’t felt this off about things since that one time at Bobby’s, when he’d brushed Bobby off on the bed. They’d worked things out that time in the moment, but it had momentarily reminded him of Woosung, reminded him of a time when he’d always felt nervous, always felt insecure in his relationship. He hated the feeling.

But now Bobby was bringing it out and Hanbin had to tamp down on his nerves. Bobby had probably just missed the train or something, he’d probably be here any second.

Hanbin kept staring at his phone, annoyed that Bobby hadn’t even sent him a message to say he was running late. That wasn’t too much to expect, was it? That he’d be alerted to a change in timing? He’d do it if he was running late.

He forced himself to close his eyes for a moment and calm himself down. Bobby had been late for dates before (hell, Hanbin himself had been late on occasion too) so this didn’t mean anything. But that coupled with how quiet he’d been and Hanbin couldn’t help but feel worried. Of course it was only two days after the final, so he couldn’t really fault Bobby for feeling upset about things now if that was the case.

But part of the problem was that Hanbin just didn’t know what the problem was. When you didn’t know, then waiting became torture. Hanbin wasn’t in the habit of torturing himself, so everything was making him feel exponentially worse.

But then finally he looked up across the street and saw Bobby, waiting to cross at the light. He had his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket and had exchanged his usual snapback for a beanie. Hanbin thought it made him look cute. The light changed and Bobby started across the street and Hanbin rose up from his seat to go and meet him, desperate to look him in the eyes and make sure that they were still okay.

But Bobby was all smiles when he got to him.

“Hey, sorry I’m late, missed my train but I didn’t realize how late it was.”

Hanbin nodded and let him off the hook for this one, only because Bobby didn’t seem like he was here to deliver bad news. “Don’t worry about it, hyung, it’s fine.”

Bobby reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly in his grip. “Let’s go get some food and sit by the river. Unless you’re too cold?”

Hanbin squeezed back. “No I’m fine, it’s not that bad out yet.” He followed Bobby down to the row of food vendors, content to let him lead the way and pick the food. He was just relieved that Bobby seemed to be in good spirits.

Bobby was in good spirits, even though he was feeling slightly nervous. Upon getting home on Wednesday after the dinner with his family, he thought he’d been fine. But when he’d laid down to sleep all he’d kept thinking about in his head were all the things he could have done differently. All the plays he could have run instead, the line changes he could have made. He didn’t sleep a wink that night and when Thursday morning came around he was exhausted and feeling sick to his stomach, nervous about what people would say to him at school. He’d been certain that he’d be greeted to a chorus of jeers, angry outbursts about his relationship ing up the game.

He hadn’t been, but he had felt like everyone’s eyes were on him all day. Jinhwan had told him he was being ridiculous but Bobby couldn’t shake it. He felt like he’d let everyone down, and of course not sleeping hadn’t helped matters, and then Hanbin had kept texting him all day like nothing was wrong, like he hadn’t just beaten Bobby again. He couldn’t be mad at Hanbin, maybe he was just trying to act like nothing was wrong because he didn’t think Bobby would want him to act differently. But seeing all the texts while at school had just made him feel like more of a traitor to his team.

Then he’d gotten home and spent the night with his dad, getting his help on trying to figure out how to draw people. He was going to Hanbin’s on the weekend for his birthday, and he hadn’t forgotten his promise to Hanbyul.

He’d left his phone in his room, though. He’d come back to it three hours later to a few messages from Hanbin and even though he hadn’t asked why he was being ignored, Bobby still felt guilty.

He felt like he was drowning in guilt, and so he’d spent another night tossing and turning, certain that he hadn’t fallen asleep until barely an hour before his alarm went off. That was followed by another day of being sure that everyone was watching him, and half ignoring Hanbin.

By the time he’d gotten home he knew that he had to do something to fix at least one part of his problems. It was pointless to feel like he’d betrayed his team if he wasn’t making an effort with Hanbin to put the loss behind him. And when it came down to it, he only had a few months of school left, while he wanted more time than that with Hanbin. So the sequence of priority right now was pretty clear.

Even though they were both smiling at each other Bobby could feel the tension that was there. Usually he disentangled himself from people when things got like this, but he couldn’t do that with Hanbin. Wasn’t willing to walk away. He had to try and get over whatever his issue was, had to make things as good as they’d been. Hopefully better after they talked. So once they had their food Bobby led them to a spot on the grass on the bank of the Han river, sitting down and pulling Hanbin down next to him. Bobby leaned over suddenly to plant a kiss on Hanbin’s cheek, and the happy look Hanbin got made a warm feeling spread itself out from Bobby’s chest. He could do this. He could have this talk and try to figure out what his problem was, and how to fix it.

“So, Bin, I have some things that I feel like I need to explain to you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed them or not, but they’re there and I want them to get better. So I think we should talk about them.”

Even though Hanbin had been expecting a talk of some sort, Bobby’s sudden confession caught him by surprise. He held his fork halfway to his mouth, hovering in the air for a moment while he looked at Bobby. He wasn’t sure what Bobby was talking about, so he just nodded for him to go on.

Now that Bobby had said that he wanted to talk, he wasn’t entirely sure where to start. He felt frozen, like the words in his brain were jumbled and refused to sort themselves out. His mother always told him to write things down when he got upset, and he was wishing he’d listened to her for once.

The longer it took Bobby to talk, the more nervous and worried Hanbin felt. This seemed serious, and his relieved mood of minutes ago was gone already. “Is this about the game?”

“Yeah, kind of,” Bobby replied, but honestly the game was such a small part of it and he almost felt like blaming it on that would be taking the easy way out, “actually no, it’s not really about the game, it’s just about me.”

Hanbin felt a chill run through him at the response. Wasn’t that how people started their breakup talks? It’s not you, it’s me. Bobby wasn’t that upset about losing, was he?

“Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but sometimes I get a little insecure about us.”

They stared at each other after Bobby’s comment, both of them feeling breathless. Bobby couldn’t believe he’d finally admitted it out loud to Hanbin, and Hanbin just couldn’t believe it at all.

“What do you mean, you get insecure?” Hanbin hadn’t noticed. What was Bobby talking about? He thought he’d seemed pretty certain lately, he’d seemed confident in what they had.

Bobby cocked his head at Hanbin’s answer, like he was surprised that Hanbin seemed so clueless. “Well, don’t you remember the whole violinist thing?”

“Yeah, but that wasn’t serious. I thought you were just annoyed that we kept talking about him.” Sure, Bobby had seemed a little upset over it, but it had only been for a few minutes.

Had Hanbin truly not even noticed that Bobby had been so worked up about those situations? Sure, Bobby had tried to hide it, but had he really hidden it that well? Jinhwan had noticed. But then Jinhwan had known him a lot longer, and Jinhwan had seem him angry and upset enough times to figure the signs out. Bobby tried his best to never be upset when Hanbin was around.

“Bin, I was really jealous about the whole violin thing, I mean you were right next to me, gushing over the guy, about how attractive he was, and he just made this huge impact on you and I felt like it overshadowed me.” Bobby was honestly surprised he’d gotten the words out. His instinct right now was to flee from the conversation, to protect his severely wounded pride from getting hit any harder tonight. It was a struggle to stay there, to give Hanbin a chance to respond without telling him to forget everything and say he was only joking. He’d never opened up to a guy like this before, never let himself be vulnerable to someone he was dating. It wasn’t his style, and he felt so uncomfortable doing it. But he had to keep telling himself that he was doing it for a reason. He kept thinking about his conversation with Jiun, that all his problems stemmed from not knowing why Hanbin liked him so much. A big part of getting over that was admitting his insecurity. He was hoping it would make Hanbin realize how important it all was to him.

Hanbin felt insulted by the comment. It almost felt like an accusation to him, like Bobby was accusing him of something. He’d been so certain that Bobby wasn’t the type of guy to be threatened by anyone, to get jealous or feel insecure like this. It was a big part of the reason why Hanbin liked him so much. He needed someone confident, someone who wouldn’t feel threatened by everything. He’d thought Bobby was like that. Had he been wrong all this time?

“It wasn’t just the talking, but you changed your lock screen, from a picture of us to a picture of him, and then you and Jinan talking that night, and when you said, well, you know what you said. And it really bothered me.” There were some things Bobby just couldn’t bring himself to say, and repeating those words were something he just couldn’t do in the moment.

Hanbin was confused, though. What had he said that had offended Bobby so much? He barely remembered the night, aside from the five of them having a fun time together. “What did I say?”

Bobby frowned at him, wondering if Hanbin was doing it on purpose or if he really didn’t realize. Maybe Bobby had just been blowing everything out of proportion. But it was out now, so even though it was another blow to his ego, he couldn’t not clear it up. “When you said that you’d let him you.”

Hanbin didn’t know what to say at first. Was Bobby really that bothered by the comment? Hanbin couldn’t even joke around without Bobby getting upset about it and stewing over it for weeks? That wasn’t the kind of relationship he wanted. “Are you for real? I was talking about some stupid little celebrity crush, it wasn’t serious.”

“It sounded serious, okay?” Bobby couldn’t help but get defensive with Hanbin’s response. Did Hanbin not see how something like that could have hurt him so much? Did he really lack that much awareness?

Hanbin shook his head and looked away at the water, feeling frustration creep up uninvited. Everything about this was reminding him of Woosung, reminding him of all the things he wanted to avoid in a boyfriend. “It was a joke, hyung. Sorry if it bothered you so much.”

Bobby bristled at Hanbin’s tone—he was clearly not apologizing. “Look, you just said it so soon after turning me down, okay? Don’t you remember that? Like, I told you that I wasn’t used to waiting, and then you go and say that you’d let some other guy you, and yeah it made me jealous. I’m sorry, but it did. I don’t think I’m wrong in feeling that way.”

Hanbin looked back at him, surprised and a little upset he’d brought it up. “Yeah, I remember that alright. You talking about all the guys you’d been with, complaining about me.” Okay maybe he was only saying that because he was feeling defensive, because Bobby hadn’t really been complaining. He’d been trying to explain, but his explanation had been lacking.

“I wasn’t complaining, Hanbin. And I’m sorry for bringing that up, but I needed to make my point. You don’t always think about other people before saying things, Jinhwan’s the same way. It’s like you don’t get offended or upset as easily as most people. But I do, and when you said that, it felt like you were comparing us, and I felt like I was on the losing side. And I’m not used to that feeling.”

Hanbin looked away again, felt like he’d just been kicked in the stomach. He wanted to lash out in response, but he couldn’t, because he knew Bobby was right. He didn’t usually think about other people’s feelings before speaking. His mom often called him out on it, but he’d never really tried to change it. Maybe he should have tried a little harder.

Bobby wasn’t sure if he was going about this the right way or not. He’d thought Hanbin would have been a little more understanding, and the sudden coldness was surprising. “I just feel like you can do better than me, okay? That violin guy was better than me, so it just brought up all of these feelings I had about not being good enough for you.”

Hanbin stiffened at the comments. When had he ever given Bobby the impression that he wasn’t enough? He couldn’t help but bristle at it, the way it kept reminding him of his last relationship. “Then why are we together?” Hanbin asked, trying his best not to get too defensive. “If you don’t trust me, then what’s the point?”

Oh no. Bobby could practically feel the blood draining out of his face at Hanbin’s retort. That wasn’t what he’d meant at all! “I do trust you, Hanbin, you’re not the problem.”

“Bull. Let me guess, it’s not me, it’s just everyone else you’re worried about?” Hanbin fired back, angry and hurt over the accusation he thought he was hearing.

“Not everyone else,” Bobby replied, surprised he was still trying, surprised he hadn’t run yet, “just everyone that’s better than me.”

Hanbin shook his head and looked back at the river again. He could barely keep a grip on his feelings, barely even knew what he was feeling. Everything was so surprising at the moment.

“Bin, I think, I just think I’m not doing a good job explaining how I feel.” Bobby reached out for his hand, his face dropping when Hanbin didn’t squeeze back, didn’t even look at him. “I’m not accusing you of anything, I said at the start that this is about me. I told you that I’m not used to being with guys who are better than me, and well, you are better than me, at everything. I’m used to being in a position where I’m the really impressive one, and it’s hard on me not being that guy anymore. I really like you, but I just don’t really know why you like me.”

“Oh, so you just want me to compliment you, is that it?” Hanbin replied, not able to hear Bobby’s actual insecurity through his own fears.

“No, Hanbin, I’m trying to explain to you what my problem is.” Bobby wasn’t sure what else he could say to make Hanbin get it. “I know I’m crap at this, at talking about my feelings, and I could have just gone on pretending that nothing was wrong. But the problem is that I really like you, and I want to make things better.”

Hanbin didn’t respond to that, was too caught up in his own feelings to decipher what Bobby was trying to do.

Bobby tugged on his hand. “Hanbin, look at me, please.” His tone was firmer than he’d been so far, and it seemed to shock Hanbin into turning his head and looking at him. “I don’t want to feel insecure about you, or us, and I don’t want to feel bad when you talk about some stupid celebrity. But I do feel bad, and I can’t fix it by myself.”

Hanbin finally snapped out of himself, finally heard Bobby and understand the difference. He squeezed Bobby’s hand back and whispered to himself. “You’re not Woosung.” Bobby cocked his head in confusion at the comment, and it made Hanbin smile. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve been listening to you properly.”

The relief hit Bobby so hard he slumped forward a little, breathing deep to settle his nerves. He didn’t know what he’d said to get through to Hanbin, but he could feel the difference now.

“Everything you said so far has just been so similar to what happened in my last relationship, but even though it’s similar that doesn’t mean it’s the same. I guess I just got scared for a minute because it reminded me of that.” Hanbin met his eyes and held them, surprised at how much fear and relief he saw in them. It was a different look than what he’d seen in Woosung’s eyes.

“What happened with you and Woosung anyway?” Bobby didn’t really want to talk about Hanbin’s ex, but it seemed important, and it was also an easy way to deflect away from himself for a minute so he could catch his breath.

“I’ll tell you about Woosung, but I think we should focus on us first. You’re not used to opening up, and you opened up to me but I tried to shut you out. I’m sorry, I apologize for that. I want you to say what you need to say. I think it’s important for me to listen.”

Bobby nodded, squeezing Hanbin’s hand back. Hanbin was right, even though he’d said a lot already, he felt like there was more he needed to say. If he didn’t get it out now, he might hold onto it, and he didn’t want to hold onto anything. “I meant it before, that I need to know what you like about me. Maybe you don’t agree with me, but I do feel like you’re so much better than me at everything, and it’s hard for me to cope with that. I don’t just mean basketball, but you have boxing too, and you’re really good at it. Basketball was all I had, and you were better. But you’re smarter than me too, and it just feels like you’re so much more put together than me. Remember when I said I was taking a year off before university to figure things out? Well I meant it. I have no idea what I want to do, and you have three great options for your future, and no matter what you pick I know you’ll be successful. But I come from a family who isn’t concerned with that, and my parents always tell me that it doesn’t matter what I do, as long as I love doing it. I just feel worried that that isn’t good enough for you. I feel like you deserve someone who can be as successful as you’ll be. That’s why I feel so insecure.”

Hanbin heard it all, and he really fought to hear it all from Bobby’s point of view. Bobby wasn’t doubting them as a couple. He was just doubting himself, and Hanbin needed to help him feel better about it all if he wanted them to stay together. “I get it, and honestly I guess it’s not really that surprising now that I think about it. Our parents are so different, like you said yours are concerned about your happiness above everything else, your parents don’t really expect you to do anything for yourself, and you’re the youngest, you have an older brother. But I am the older brother, and I’m so much older than my sister I’m almost like a second dad, really. My parents have always expected me to figure things out by myself, and they always told me that I was smart enough to make good decisions for myself. So I grew up being really confident in myself, I don’t judge myself against other people, and I think you do. That’s the biggest thing, I think. I don’t ever compare us that way, but I feel like you think you’re in some kind of competition with me. You’re older, so you’re supposed to be better than me. You look up to your brother, and you want me to look up to you.”

Bobby felt embarrassed that Hanbin seemed to dissect it so quickly, but also so accurately. Just proving his superior intelligence again. “Yeah, you said it. I compare myself to you and I lose every time, and when I meet someone better than me, I usually do everything I can to avoid them. But I don’t want to avoid you, I like you too much.”

Hanbin frowned as he listened, wishing that he could have noticed something sooner so they’d never had to get to this point. Was that his fault? For only seeing what he wanted to see, and ignoring the parts he didn’t want? If he’d paid more attention, learned how to read Bobby better, maybe they could have fixed this sooner. “I do look up to you. I guess you don’t realize that.”

Bobby was surprised at Hanbin’s answer. “Why, though? You beat me at everything, what could you possibly look up to me for? And don’t make some joke about your height. I’m serious. I don’t want you to say things to me because you think they’ll help. Don’t say it unless you mean it.”

Hanbin knew what he had to do in order to really get his point across, and it was something he was a little afraid of admitting, because he didn’t usually talk about his own issues. But it was something Bobby needed to know.

But first he needed to take him somewhere.

“It’ll help if I tell you about Woosung,” Hanbin replied, “but there’s something I want to show you first. It’s not far, it’s just this spot under the bridge.”

Bobby was surprised at the request. What could that possibly have to do with anything? But the look on Hanbin’s face was serious. “Of course, show me.”

Hanbin knew it was a weird request, but he felt relieved when Bobby so quickly agreed to go with him. “We should probably get rid of the food too, it’s all cold now. I’ll buy us some more later. And don’t complain about the money. We both know my parents make way more than yours, so, just deal with it, okay?” He stood up and grabbed his containers, looking down at Bobby.

Bobby couldn’t help but grin up at him, because he’d been just about to complain about Hanbin offering to pay for more. But Hanbin was right. It was stupid to worry about who was paying the majority of the time when Hanbin’s family obviously had so much more than Bobby’s. “Alright, I promise I’ll let you buy us dinner later and I won’t complain.” He stood up too and together they went to toss out their containers. Then Hanbin took his hand and led him down towards the edge of the river bank, and Bobby felt a little weird about following Hanbin, but he knew it was something he’d have to work on.

If he was lucky enough to keep Hanbin for as long as he wanted him (which Bobby was pretty sure was going to be forever) there was going to come a time when he’d probably be the one doing all the following. Hanbin was worth the shift, though.

“So, there’s this spot under the bridge, it’s nothing special, just a little slab of concrete that you have to climb around the post to get to, but it’s secluded and private. I used to go there by myself all the time and think. When I first started to come to terms with being gay, I used to come here and sit by myself and think about guys. I thought about how to come out to my family and my friends. It was my safe spot to be gay and not worry about what that meant.”

Bobby listened to Hanbin’s explanation, and the weight of what Hanbin was going to show him was creeping up. Bobby had never had anything like that, but then he’d never had to figure out that he was gay by himself. Jinhwan had been there for his entire realization, helping Bobby navigate it all. Bobby had never felt the need to have to hide it from him the way Hanbin must have felt at first.

“Once I came out, I’d still come here and sit by myself, just daydreaming a lot of the time about guys. I used to have this dorky dream about boxing, about being a professional and fighting on a huge pay per view card in New York. I’d win, of course, and then to celebrate I’d get my boyfriend in the ring and kiss him, right there in front of the camera. I wanted to be the first gay boxer that really made it big, wanted to prove to everyone that gay guys were tough.”

Bobby was smiling through the whole thing. It was an awfully adorable thing to contemplate, a younger Hanbin fantasizing about being a sporting icon for the gay community. It sounded exactly like the sort of thing he’d expect Hanbin to fantasize about, and it made Bobby’s heart swell with affection for him.

“I told you about how I had trouble at first at my club, about the guy who used to harass me all the time? I used to come here and fantasize about kicking his too,” Hanbin looked back at Bobby and grinned, and Bobby laughed but squeezed his hand, “so yeah, it was a spot that just held a lot of importance for me. Maybe it’s dumb to put that much importance on a slab of concrete that’s public property, but I did. It was so important that when I finally got my first boyfriend, I decided to bring him here and show him.”

They reached the stairwell that went down to the little maintenance area under the bridge, and Hanbin squeezed Bobby’s hand before letting it go. Bobby followed him down the stairs, and when Hanbin mentioned bringing Woosung here, everything started clicking into place for Bobby. Now he understood why Hanbin wanted to bring him here, understood that he was probably going to learn something very important about Hanbin’s past. His protective instincts flared up out of nowhere, but he tamped them down for now. Hanbin didn’t need his protection, no matter how badly Bobby wanted him to need it. But Hanbin wanted to share, so that would have to be good enough for Bobby.

“I thought Woosung would appreciate seeing it, you know? I thought he’d understand how special it was, I thought that showing it to him would make him feel special. Maybe he did get it, I don’t know, but at the time it seemed like he didn’t care. We got there, and all he did was look around and say wow, look at how private this is, no one can see us, and it was obvious that he was only thinking about how good of a make out spot it was.” Hanbin didn’t look back at Bobby now, felt too vulnerable for that. It wasn’t often that he ever expressed his own insecurities, and this story was one he’d never told anyone (not his parents, not even Junhoe).

Bobby was sure he knew where the story was going, and he felt angry on Hanbin’s behalf. As nice as it was to find some private spot, how could Hanbin’s ex have underplayed the importance of what he was being shown, just for the hope of getting something out of it? Hanbin had tried to share something personal, and instead Woosung had thought about ?

Ah, Jiwon, don’t be such a hypocrite! The truth was that were he coming here with any of his exes, Bobby knew for a fact that he wouldn’t have cared either, just like Woosung hadn’t cared. When you were young and desperate for any bit of action you could get, emotions only got in the way. But they weren’t getting in the way now despite being just as desperate. He honestly wasn’t even thinking about doing anything with Hanbin here. Was that a sign of maturity? Was he growing up a little? Maybe.

Maybe it just meant that he was in love, that he prioritized Hanbin’s feelings above his own needs.

“So we stood there and I tried telling him about the history of the spot, how I used to come here and try to figure myself out, used to try and figure life out. But instead of listening to me, he just pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. Said that none of it mattered now because I was out, everything had worked out for me, so I should focus on the present instead of the past. I just followed what he told me, instead of fighting with him to try and make him understand how important it was to me personally.”

Bobby felt nearly outraged at the story, half out of sympathy for Hanbin, and half out of fear that he’d done something like that to one of his exes. Jinhwan had with every break up that he’d broken a new heart, and Bobby had always thought he’d been joking. What if he hadn’t been joking, though? What if those guys had felt way stronger feelings for Bobby than he’d felt himself? What if he’d left a few guys feeling like , heartbroken and used?

Maybe that’s why he’d fallen so hard for Hanbin. Maybe this was God’s way of making him realize everything he’d done wrong with his exes. Maybe he was supposed to understand how bad it felt to feel so in love with someone who was better than you were, to fear how much it would hurt to be left behind. Now that he’d finally admitted it all, God was granting him the ability to make up for it by helping Hanbin through whatever scars he had left from Woosung.

Bobby was going to do exactly that. Maybe he only thought that Hanbin didn’t need him because Hanbin had never felt comfortable enough to tell him that. Bobby had a feeling that maybe he was going to get it now.

Hanbin carried on with the story, still not looking back at Bobby yet, hoping that Bobby would understand where he was going with this, that everything would make sense afterwards. “Anyway, don’t get me wrong with Woosung. It’s not like I hadn’t brought him here precisely so we could make out, because I did. I just wanted him to care about my story first. But he didn’t care, and it really hurt me.” They finally reached the bottom of the staircase, which led into a locked metal door. Hanbin turned around to face Bobby.

Bobby was hit hard by the mixture of emotions he could see on Hanbin’s face. The worry present in the crease of his brow, the sadness captured in the pout of his lips, but the insecurity in his usually confident eyes is what did Bobby in. He reached out and grabbed Hanbin’s hand, squeezing tightly.

“I care about it,” he whispered, a surge of renewed confidence bustling through him at the way his words seem to relieve Hanbin, “I care about you.”

Even though Hanbin had been confident that Bobby would understand, the words burst through him and released an intense wave of relief. He leaned forward and pecked Bobby lightly on the cheek. “Thanks.” Bobby just smiled back in that dopey, affectionate grin, and Hanbin had never felt more in love with him. “It’s a little tough to get to, we have to shimmy across the ledge on the outside of the column here, it’s on the other side. So be careful, since it’s a little dark.”

Bobby nodded and squeezed Hanbin’s hand one last time before letting it go. “Lead the way! I’ll be right behind you.” Of course he was talking about right now, but he felt an odd sense of comfort in thinking about the future too. Only minutes ago he’d been certain that the idea of following Hanbin for the rest of his life would be difficult to deal with, but now he felt like he wanted nothing more than that. Just because you let someone else lead the way, it didn’t mean you had to give anything up. Instead of following Hanbin, maybe what he’d really be doing was supporting him. That change in words made all the difference to Bobby.

Hanbin smiled back, grateful for Bobby’s response. He’d been right before in realizing that all he’d been doing earlier was projecting his insecurities about his prior relationship onto this one. Bobby wasn’t Woosung, and Woosung wasn’t even a bad guy. He just hadn’t been the right guy for Hanbin. Bobby was the right guy, though, he was sure of it. Hanbin hopped up onto the ledge, standing on his toes to shuffle across the thin expanse of concrete. It wasn’t a difficult climb, just awkward, and he felt a little nervous about coming back here again. What if someone else had taken over his spot? What is someone else was there right now?

He cleared the corner and saw that it was empty, though. Looking at it again he wondered if Bobby would think he was stupid for putting so much emotional importance on a spot. It was just a secluded little slab of concrete, nothing worth getting excited over. But it wasn’t the place that mattered, but all the memories he’d made here for himself. He hopped off the ledge and stood on the slab again, looking around and taking a deep breath.

“I haven’t been here since Woosung and I broke up.”

Bobby hopped down next to him, looking around and smiling. It really wasn’t much to look at, there was nothing special, nothing outstanding. But he could picture a younger Hanbin coming here, sitting by himself and daydreaming, and even though Bobby was pretty sure that Hanbin didn’t believe in the same God he believed in, Bobby still thought that maybe his God had heard Hanbin’s thoughts, had planned for him to meet Bobby one day. He’d led them both to this moment, in this place, and was taking a step back now to let them decide if this thing between them was only meant to be short, or if it would last.

Bobby felt inexplicably grateful to everyone at the moment. To God, to Hanbin, to his family, even to Woosung, for hurting Hanbin in whatever way he had so Bobby could help him get over it now. Because that’s exactly what he was going to do. Maybe Hanbin was better than him at everything, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t need Bobby. He just needed something that Bobby had never wanted to give anyone else.

But Hanbin had stopped talking now, and Bobby stood next to him where he was, staring out at the river. “Why did you and Woosung break up?”

Hanbin smiled nervously and spread his arms around. “Because of what happened here.” He hadn’t really thought about it much since it had happened, he’d just shoved it back into some far corner of his mind. It felt nice to finally talk about it. “Like I said, when I tried to talk to him, he just kissed me. Well, after that he ended up giving me my very first .”

Bobby couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop the joke before he made it. “What happened, too much teeth?” But Hanbin laughed, and seeing him smile despite being in the middle of a tough story made Bobby feel good.

“No! The was good, I liked it.” Hanbin looked back out at the river, crossing his arms over his chest. “But he wanted me to give him one back, and I wouldn’t.”

Bobby was a little surprised at the explanation, and wondered if there was more to it. “Why not?”

“I was scared.” Hanbin held his breath after saying it, because he’d never admitted to being afraid of anything before, to anyone. Well, except stupid things, like heights and the dark. But this was so much more important than that, it wasn’t a phobia, but something self-inflicted.

“Ah, Bin-ah, I know aren’t exactly all that pretty to look at, but they’re not that scary.” Bobby couldn’t help but , and he was relieved when it made Hanbin grin and laugh a bit.

Hanbin looked back at Bobby, grateful for the teasing. It made it easier to keep talking. “I think I have a pretty good looking , thanks.”

Bobby was happy with the joking response. His teasing seemed to be helping Hanbin. “I would definitely agree with that statement. I love looking at it.” He grinned when he saw Hanbin’s cheeks tinge a little pinker.

“I was scared I wouldn’t be good at it. The .”

Bobby’s expression went soft again and all he wanted to do was wrap Hanbin up in his arms and kiss him. But if Hanbin wanted a hug, he’d be reaching for one on his own. Bobby would just have to wait until he was ready. “I can understand that, but you never know unless you try.”

“I know, but when you’re perfect at everything without even trying, it makes trying new things really hard. As good as I am at a lot of things, I haven’t really had to work that hard to get that good. I’ve always managed to ace tests without cramming for them, I pick things up in school right away every time, doesn’t matter what the subject is. Even boxing came to me really easily, I progressed quickly. Basketball too, I always had a really good shot, I didn’t even have to practice.” Hanbin had his things that he’d mastered, and instead of trying new things he’d just stuck to what he knew. The potential of failure had always terrified him, and it wasn’t a fear that anyone had ever put on him. He’d buried himself in it.

“Woosung used to talk about it all the time, he always used to point out how I was perfect at everything. So I thought he expected me to be perfect at that too. But I knew I wouldn’t be, because it had been so long since I’d tried something new, I was sure I’d be terrible. I was so worried that he’d just laugh at me for trying, and he’d be disappointed when I didn’t meet his expectations.” It felt both liberating and terrifying to admit. Hanbin had never told anyone about his fear of failure, half because he hated to admit it, and half because he was sure that no one would understand how much it terrified him. Everyone always expected him to be able to pick up anything he tried, and Hanbin hated the idea of finding something that he wasn’t good at.

“So what, he broke up with you because you were afraid to give him a ?” Bobby was still a little confused about the whole situation. It seemed like such a trivial matter. Sure, it would be annoying, but breaking up over one time? Seemed a little premature.

“No,” Hanbin frowned, because he wasn’t giving Bobby the whole picture, and he really didn’t deserve as much sympathy as Bobby was probably feeling. “That’s the problem. I didn’t tell him that I was afraid of trying. I just said that I didn’t want to. Instead of trusting him to try and help me,  I was more comfortable letting him think that I was just being selfish, or that I just didn’t like him. It wasn’t the first time I’d done that to him either. Every time he tried to do something with me that scared me, I always gave him the cold shoulder, but I never explained why. He thought I was just using him to get some action, always said that he thought that I was just saving myself for someone who was better than he was.”

The admission of it felt like a slap in the face to Bobby. No wonder Hanbin had taken such exception to his attempts to explain himself earlier. He must have been right back where he was with Woosung, trapped by his own fear of failure to the point that instead of admitting the truth, he’d just let Woosung think he was being used instead.

“Honestly, Woosung didn’t really make it easy for me. Things had started out good between us, because we’d been friends first. But right from the start he’d always made jokes about how I was doing charity work by dating him. He always used to say that he was too ugly for me, too dumb for me, wasn’t good for anything except making me look better by comparison. I used to laugh about it at first, but when you hear something long enough, you start thinking that maybe there’s some truth to it. I had started dating him because I really liked him, and I felt like I could trust him enough to learn about everything with him. I thought he felt the same way about me, but eventually his teasing started to feel intimidating instead. I felt like I was supposed to be better than him at everything, I felt like I had some kind of responsibility to be the better person. But I didn’t know how to, and I just let him think it was all his fault for not being good enough for me.”

Bobby’s face suddenly went blank at Hanbin’s explanation. It was exactly what he’d been saying all along. “, Hanbin, have I been doing the same thing to you?” Bobby reached out and laid his hand on Hanbin’s shoulder, worried eyes meeting Hanbin’s surprised ones.

“No,” Hanbin replied right away, but a few seconds later he realized that maybe that wasn’t true. “You know, I guess you actually have been, now that I think about it. But that’s the difference, though, that’s exactly what I wanted to say to you. When Woosung used to talk about how perfect I was, I always felt burdened, or I felt like he was only saying it because he was jealous of me, that he wanted to try and hurt me with sarcasm. After a while I stopped feeling good about compliments from him, because I didn’t think he meant them sincerely. But I never feel that way with you. Whenever you call me perfect, I feel perfect, and I believe every single thing you say to me. Every time you compliment me, I know you mean it. I feel like you’re proud of me.”

“I am proud of you,” Bobby answered, and saying it out loud was actually sort of cathartic. “I’m just not used to dating someone that I could be proud of, and I guess that made me feel insecure.”

Hanbin grinned at the answer, uncrossing his arms and instead reaching out for Bobby. “I don’t know if I should consider that a compliment or an insult.” He was teasing, and the way Bobby smiled back at him indicated that he knew it was just teasing. “I mean, you did start dating me when you were used to dating unimpressive guys.”

“Ouch.” Bobby hadn’t even realized that, and he was glad that Hanbin was joking about it. He was even happier though to feel Hanbin’s arms finally around him. Waiting for Hanbin to be ready for the hug had paid off. “Well, you can consider it a compliment that I liked you too much to drop you when I realized how amazing you were?”

“But you were freaking out internally, which is almost as bad!” Hanbin teased again before he leaned in and kissed him.

“No way! Honestly, I would have dropped you after our first date if I’d been acting normal. But you changed me from the start, I guess.” Bobby grinned and tightened his arms around Hanbin’s back.

“Changed you how? Made you into a whiner?” Hanbin again, but Bobby’s arms around his back had him flooded with positive emotions. He’d divulged his ugly secret to Bobby, and nothing bad was coming of it. Instead he felt lighter than he’d felt in a long time, unburdening himself of something he never should have been carrying around.

“You know, I should be upset with you for that, but I’m not. Consider yourself lucky.” Bobby leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Hanbin’s forehead. This felt like the best moment they’d shared with each other yet, delving into their own insecurities and instead of being turned away, they were both helping each other.

Hanbin tucked his head into Bobby’s neck after the kiss, needing the extra bit of closeness. Bobby kissed him again and rubbed a hand over his back before settling it around the back of his neck, rubbing softly at his nape. It made Hanbin feel safe, which wasn’t a feeling he’d ever sought out from anyone before.

“So, that’s what I wanted to say in answer to your question. I like you so much because of how you make me feel about myself. You make me feel confident, and you make me feel like I don’t need to change anything, like I don’t need to prove anything. I can be myself, and I don’t have to worry about walking on eggshells with you, I can share things and instead of making me feel bad about them, you make me feel good. I didn’t have that with Woosung, I was always in a constant state of worry about what he was going to say or do, or how he’d react to something. It was just as much my fault as it was his, but I wasn’t comfortable being myself with him. Until today I didn’t think I had to worry with you, because you seemed to be every bit as confident in yourself as I am, and I thought I needed that above anything else. But I should have paid attention better, I should have realized that you’re not me, and you’re not Woosung. Just because you feel insecure about something, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it to make me feel bad. I was just afraid of getting burned again, so I’m sorry if I ever did anything that made you feel bad. I’ll be more thoughtful from now on.”

Bobby wasn’t sure what to say in response to that. It was the perfect answer, though, it was exactly what he needed to hear. Just liking someone as an individual didn’t mean you were a good match. Liking how that person made you feel when you were together was more important, and as long as he made Hanbin feel good about himself, it didn’t matter which of them was better than the other. What mattered was that they both felt good together.

Hanbin pressed a soft kiss to Bobby’s lips, feeling a thousand pounds lighter after getting it all off his chest. From the look on Bobby’s face, it seemed like he’d said the right thing to make Bobby’s insecurities melt away too. “On top of all of that, though, maybe this will sound kind of strange, but you make me feel safe, too. I feel like you’d take care of me if something bad happened, but I hate feeling like someone is trying to take care of me. But sometimes I feel like I want you to, and then you do, in some small little way, and it just makes me feel like melting a little, which is super ing lame, I know, I’m sorry. This is kind of embarrassing.” Hanbin grinned, leaning forward to bury his face in Bobby’s shoulder.

Bobby didn’t think it was lame at all. It was exactly what he’d been thinking earlier, that just because he followed Hanbin, it didn’t mean that Hanbin didn’t need him. He clearly needed him. Bobby just had to pay attention and figure out when and what Hanbin needed. He tightened his arms around Hanbin and buried his face in Hanbin’s hair. The fact that Hanbin had just said exactly what Bobby needed to hear had to be proof that they were meant to be. God’s blessing. Perfect match.

Hanbin couldn’t get over how good it felt when Bobby held him. He’d just bared part of his soul to him, the insecure part that he rarely ever let out, and instead of feeling worried or scared about it being used against him, all Hanbin felt was supported and loved. “Thanks for listening to me.” he said suddenly, tilting his head back to look Bobby in the eyes.

“Thanks for telling me.” Bobby felt like this entire conversation had really changed everything. His perfect, infallible boyfriend had finally shown a crack, but instead of pretending it wasn’t there, Hanbin had willingly pried it open a little further and was letting Bobby patch it up himself. “You don’t have to be perfect all the time with me, okay?”

“Okay.” Allowing himself to drop the perfectionist act wasn’t going to be easy, Hanbin knew that. But he also trusted himself to be okay with Bobby seeing him at a less than perfect state, trusted that Bobby wouldn’t judge him for any shortcomings. “I feel a lot better, now that I told you that. I haven’t told anyone what really happened with Woosung, I didn’t even tell Junhoe. He just thinks we drifted, which is what we’d agreed to tell everyone. It feels good telling someone the truth.”

Bobby felt a lot better too, now that he knew more about Hanbin’s previous relationship. “I’m honestly touched that you told me. I understand how important it was for you to open up about it.”

“I trust you.” Hanbin said, and he meant it implicitly.

Bobby never would have thought that hearing those words out of someone would make him feel so good, but from Hanbin they made him feel like he was the greatest person in the world. He kissed the tip of Hanbin’s nose and brought his hands up to cup his cheeks. “I trust you too. I don’t think I’ll have any problems feeling insecure about us anymore. You told me everything I needed to hear.”

“Good,” Hanbin replied, grinning mischievously, “so you won’t flip out if I talk about my fantasies of letting the violinist me?”

Bobby frowned at the question, but his response was every bit as teasing as Hanbin’s, and the joke didn’t make him feel jealous or worried at all. “You better be having fantasies about me, too.”

Hanbin winked at him. “Why do you think I brought you here?”

Bobby grinned back at him. “To erase the heartache of your past, and make some better memories?”

“To make a perfect memory, you mean.”

Bobby slid his hands down around Hanbin’s back again. “And what happens if things don’t go perfectly right now?”

“Oh I don’t expect them to,” Hanbin replied, honesty shining in his eyes, “but even if everything goes wrong and neither of us get off, it’ll still be perfect because it’s with you.” They both grinned and laughed at the same time, overwhelmed in equal parts embarrassment and delight.

“That was disgusting, Bin,” Bobby reprimanded, “thanks for saying it.”

“My pleasure!” Hanbin replied, and it made them both laugh again.

“Well, speaking of your pleasure,” Bobby started to say, but Hanbin shushed him.

“It’s your turn this time, okay? I don’t need anything, I just want to do this for you.” It would be so easy to sit back and let Bobby blow him again, and he was sure that Bobby would be happy with only that. But Hanbin needed to do this as much for himself as for Bobby. He wasn’t afraid of it, not the way he’d been before. It was still a little nerve wracking, but he trusted Bobby.

Bobby wanted to protest, but he could see how determined Hanbin was, and he understood why. Maybe it was the final thing he needed to do in order to escape the last clutches of his previous relationship. Hanbin needed to do it and maybe he even needed to do it poorly, just to prove to himself that he could fail at something in front of Bobby without running away from it.

“Okay, Bin. If you want any pointers, or anything, just ask.”

Hanbin looked relieved with his answer. “If I’m doing anything wrong, just tell me, okay? Don’t just let me do whatever and pretend it’s good.”

“I won’t. If you’re terrible I’ll let you know,” Bobby teased, grinning when Hanbin blushed a little, “but then I’ll tell you how to get better at it. I promise.” Hanbin nodded and Bobby reached out to lay a hand on his cheek, fingers brushing over the skin softly before leaning forward and kissing him. “So how do you wanna do this? Kneeling on the concrete won’t be comfortable, so lie down, okay?” Bobby directed and Hanbin was quick to follow along.

Bobby undid the belt on his jeans and slid them down, but stopped before he sat down, taking off his jacket and laying it down on the concrete. Sitting his bare skin on the cold concrete really wouldn’t help the mood. He sat down with his jeans halfway down his thighs, glad that they were at least protected from any wind. It was actually pretty peaceful down here, the concrete blocking a lot of the sound of traffic. He could see the lights from the other side of the river, but no one could see them where they were.

Hanbin waited for Bobby to get situated then he sat down with him, taking off his own jacket and using it as a bit of a pillow for his lower half. The space was long enough to stretch his legs out. He propped himself up on his elbows, his eyes on Bobby’s purple boxers. He kept repeating to himself that this wasn’t a big deal, guys blew each other all the time, it wasn’t complicated.

Bobby waited for Hanbin to make a move, but when all he did was lay there and stare, Bobby reached out and patted his head, his fingers dropping to play with Hanbin’s ear. “Just don’t bite it, and you’ll be fine.” The teasing helped Hanbin, who looked up at him with a grin before reaching out to pull Bobby’s boxers down.

Bobby took a deep breath, fighting to keep control of himself. He’d been waiting for this for so long, he didn’t want to do anything to screw it up. But seeing Hanbin wrap slenders fingers around his was almost enough to send Bobby careening off into utopian pleasure, which was ridiculous because there was barely even any pressure. It was just the waiting that had done him in, the desperate desire finally being answered.

Hanbin felt both excited and very weird. It was bizarre, holding someone else’s in his hand. He knew what he was supposed to do with it, but actually doing it felt a little awkward. It was probably just because he’d built it all up in his head, had spent so long fretting about it. He leaned forward over it, pressing lips to the tip of the head, closing his eyes and slowly pushing his tongue out, tasting the saltiness of Bobby’s precum. It was weird. But a second later he felt Bobby’s fingers playing with his ear again, and for some reason it made Hanbin feel better, reminded him that Bobby wasn’t just going to sit around and do nothing.

Bobby had at first meant to just let Hanbin do his thing for a bit, let him get familiar with it before offering any kind of advice. He hadn’t even meant to touch him until he was into it. But he couldn’t stand sitting there and watching without doing anything, so he’d reached out to trail his fingers over Hanbin’s ear, smiling to himself when Hanbin responded to it. Maybe he needed the physical reassurance. Bobby kind of needed it himself too.

Hanbin slid his tongue around before trying to take more of Bobby into his mouth, trying to remember what Bobby usually did for him, trying to remember what he’d read in the book Donghyuk had lent him. It was difficult to think of everything though, distracted by Bobby in his mouth.

But Bobby seemed to know exactly when he needed a comment, picked up on it every time that Hanbin paused, unsure of what he was doing. So Bobby told him what to do, and Hanbin did it, and even though it wasn’t great (because Hanbin was nervous, and Bobby knew that) the fact that Hanbin was doing it was enough for Bobby. Just being able to look down and see his in Hanbin’s mouth was enough to make him , and when he finally did he pulled Hanbin off and rolled to the side, shooting his load onto the wall. Some guys could handle swallowing on their first time, but Bobby didn’t want to make Hanbin try that, especially without anything to wash the taste out of his mouth afterwards. There’d be plenty of time for that later.

Hanbin wasn’t sure what to feel afterwards. It wasn’t that it had been unpleasant (because it wasn’t, it was just weird) but he knew it was something he was going to have to do a few times before he got the hang of it. He’d probably done a terrible job, but Bobby had still at the end, and the lazy smile on his face was enough to melt Hanbin’s worries away.

“C’mere,” Bobby drawled, one hand wrapping around Hanbin’s arm and tugging him close until Hanbin was leaning against him, his mouth pressing a kiss into Bobby’s neck. Bobby kissed Hanbin’s forehead, draping his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders.

Hanbin had finally blown him. Bobby felt giddy about it now, couldn’t believe he’d actually done it. The night had started out with such potential for disaster, and instead it had ended with complete bliss, at least on his part. He reached out with his free hand, tracing fingers over Hanbin’s jaw and pulling his face up so Bobby could look him in the eyes.

“So, how do you feel?” Bobby asked, his voice still soft.

Hanbin smiled back at him. “I’m good,” he replied, “what about you?”

“I’m great,” Bobby replied, “you did good for your first time.”

Hanbin shook his head in disagreement. “Ah, don’t lie, you still got off but it was probably terrible.”

Bobby laughed at him. “I said it was good, not great,” he replied, kissing Hanbin’s cheek, “and I know you were really nervous while you were doing it. So the only way to fix that is with a lot of practice.” Bobby winked at him, pleased when it made Hanbin grin.

“I think I require more demonstration,” Hanbin teased.

“Oh you’ll get more demonstration, don’t you worry your pretty little face,” Bobby teased back, pinching Hanbin’s cheek before kissing him. He could taste a bit of himself on Hanbin’s tongue, and Bobby always thought that was ridiculously hot.

Hanbin kissed him back before shuffling around on the ground, moving so he could put his legs over Bobby’s lap. “And I’ll work hard so I get better, so you don’t worry your ugly face,” he teased back, grinning when Bobby pouted at him.

“You’re such a brat,” Bobby replied, but he couldn’t stop his expression from slipping into something soft again. “Really, though, you did a good job on your first time. It means a lot that you felt comfortable enough to try.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Hanbin replied, and the comment meant a lot to him too. A sudden feeling of relief swept over him when he realized that he didn’t feel bad about not doing it perfectly. Bobby really didn’t mind that it hadn’t been perfect, wasn’t bothered at all. Hanbin had tried, and that was what mattered to Bobby. The fact that just trying was enough was what mattered to Hanbin. He had plenty of time to perfect it, after all. But the memory of trying for the first time was a positive one, and that was the most important thing.