FYI: This chapter is only Jinhwan.

Jinhwan hadn’t slept that night, nervous about his visit home. He was excited to go back, he looked forward to being with his mother and sister over Christmas. His last Christmas at home had been bittersweet, having come after his breakup with Eric. But he was happy this year, so things were going to better.

The plane ride had been slightly nerve-wracking, though, bumpy and turbulent. He hoped that wasn’t some kind of sign of things to come, but he wasn’t the sort who usually believed in stuff like that. It was just a coincidence of the weather.

His mother met him at the airport and despite having seen her a month ago he still felt emotional seeing her here now. He hugged her with teary eyes, and he could hear her trying to hide a sniffle in his shoulder.

“Ah mom, stop, you’re gonna make us both cry, this is stupid.”

She just kissed his cheek. “I just miss you, sweetheart. I’m happy to have you home for a whole week.”

As they stepped out and Jinhwan smelled the fresher air of the island, he felt a weird sort of peace settle over him as well. Maybe it was lack of sleep, but he felt like he was finally going to get resolution, one way or the other. Even if it didn’t go the way he wanted it to, at least he’d have his answer. That had to count for something.

The drive home was filled with his mom telling him about things with the symphony, plans for performances and all the gossip of people he’d been hearing about for years. It was nice to listen to her talk about them, her extended musical family. She truly cared about all the artists there, even took the time to get to know all of the junior musicians. He thought it was probably a nice distraction for her when she missed him.

He stopped just inside the door of their house. One of his favourite things about Jeju was the space. Everything in Seoul was cramped, everyone crammed together in a mass of apartment buildings. Here his mother owned a house, a large one, with a beautiful garden backyard, an unheard of luxury in the city.

“Are you hungry now, or did you want to nap first? I have your favourite ready for lunch, whenever you want to eat.” His mom took his coat from him and hung it up, fussing over him already. Despite not having slept Jinhwan felt awake now, rejuvenated just by the change of scenery.

“What are you making me?” He followed her into the kitchen, always excited to have island cuisine after being away.

“The usual, black pork, I even got some abalone too, we didn’t have that last time, did we?”

Jinhwan wound his arms around her from behind, hugging her tightly and kissing her cheek. “You’re the best mom, I love you.”

“Ah, why do I only hear that when I’m cooking your favourite food?” She , but she sounded happy to hear it regardless.

“I say it at other times,” he replied, letting her go to open the refrigerator to help her get things prepared.

“It doesn’t count if I’m not around to hear it,” she replied, grabbing the bowl of pork.

He grinned at the retort. “Ah, you caught me. I say it in my sleep.”

She shook her head at his response, but her smile was nothing but fond. “You brat. Let’s go out back, we’ll do a proper barbeque.”

He followed her outside, setting the table while she fired up the barbeque and the heat lamp she’d had installed on the back patio. It didn’t get as cold on the island as it got in Seoul, but it was still chilly enough to need some artificial warmth. It was just nice to sit outside and eat, to be able to smell the salt air of the ocean.

He felt like he was home, and it was such a comfortable feeling. He didn’t realize how much he’d needed the trip, not until he’d gotten here. It was just nice to be away from everything for a bit, to clear his head.

Originally he’d been thinking about talking to her right away about jiu jitsu, but he decided to leave it until the following day so he could fully enjoy the day with her before broaching a potentially unpleasant topic. That’s how their afternoon went. They ate delicious food and he filled her in on things he didn’t usually tell her (mainly about Bobby’s family) and after they finished eating they sat together on the porch swing, enjoying the sunset together.

That was when she surprised him.

“There’s something we need to talk about, Jinhwan-ie. I was going to leave it, but I think it’s best if we speak now, before anything happens.”

Jinhwan felt his heart stop for a few seconds, wondering what she could possibly be talking about. Had Seiyeon said something to her about the jiu jitsu? Was she going to broach the topic herself? He’d spent so long trying to decide how to start the conversation that he felt like her starting it would throw him off completely.

“I know this might be hard for you to hear, and I apologize if it causes you any stress. But your father called, and he wants to see you.”

Her words felt like a kick in the gut, they all the air out of him. Of all the things he’d thought she might say, this oddly hadn’t even been on the radar.

“I wanted to say no right away, to tell him that he didn’t deserve to speak to you, not after the way he left. But it’s not my choice, I can’t take that away from you.”

Her voice felt strangely thick with worry, almost like she was afraid to hear his answer. Afraid that maybe he’d say yes. Afraid that, just like those few years ago, Jinhwan would cling to his dad and use him against her.

“I don’t want to see him,” he said, the words tumbling out quickly, “I don’t ever want to see him again.”

He didn’t miss the momentary look of relief on her face, and as painful as it was, it was also good, wasn’t it? It was a good way to bridge into his newfound understanding of her. 

“Don’t make hasty decisions, I know things were rocky, but people change.”

“I don’t care if he’s changed,” Jinhwan replied, reaching out to take her hand, “it doesn’t change what he did. To me, and to you. He doesn’t deserve our forgiveness.”

She smiled at him in a proud sort of way, but she wasn’t about to relent. “I know you feel that way now, but just think about it, okay? Choosing to talk to him again won’t mean that you’ve forgiven him.”

“I know, I just don’t want to. I don’t need him back in my life. He wasn’t there when I did need him, and now that I don’t need him, I have no desire to see him again. No matter what sort of person he is now.”

“Don’t you miss having a father?” She asked him, and he knew she was just exhausting her options, doing what she felt was her parental duty to give him the choice.

“I have a dad,” he replied, “Bobby’s dad. He’s been better to me than my own ever was.”

She smiled at that and put her arm around his shoulders. “I’m happy to hear that, sweetheart. But just think about it, okay? I don’t want you to leave without taking the opportunity, only to regret it later. It’s always best to think about these things with a clearer head, so sleep on it and let me know tomorrow, okay?”

He nodded and promised her that he would, before sinking down a bit in his seat and leaning against her, letting her kiss his forehead.

She was right. Decisions made in haste weren’t always made with your best interests at heart. They were defensive decisions, ones that tried to shield you from damage. Sometimes, though, you needed to reopen old wounds, needed to air them out and let them see the sun. Just to make sure they were healing.
 

It was kind of wild, being back in the old gym. It hadn’t really been that long since he’d trained here, but so much had happened that he felt like it had been longer, he felt older, wiser, way more mature. He stood in the middle of the room and looked around at the kids, brand new fighters with their white belts, some of them possibly even taking their first classes. He loved teaching the new kids, loved seeing their individual energy, loved looking for the ones who needed him.

“Wow, look at this, you’re really here.”

Jinhwan turned around when he heard the voice, a beaming smile on his face.

“Hey, hyung.”

Eric pulled him in for a hug, and Jinhwan hugged him back tightly. He’d arranged to come and help Eric teach a white belt class while he was here, and they’d made plans to have lunch together afterwards. Jinhwan had originally just planned it to hang out and catch up, but he desperately wanted to talk to Eric about his father, wanted to get his opinion.

But that would wait until after the class.

“It’s nice to see you in here again. Hey, have you grown since the last time I saw you?”

Jinhwan glared at him. “Not funny.”

Eric laughed at him though, ruffling his hair. “Couldn’t help myself.” Jinhwan was about to retort but instead the door chimed open behind him, and a chorus of voices yelled out.

“Hyung!” “Jimin hyung!” “Hyung is here!”

Jinhwan spun around, his eyes falling on Park Jimin, Eric’s protege that he’d beaten at the last tournament. The kids were swarming him. Jinhwan looked back at Eric. “You conveniently neglected to mention that he would be here too, didn’t you?”

Eric grinned back at him. “Must have slipped my mind. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Not one bit,” Jinhwan replied, “I mean I beat him, after all. Maybe you should be asking him if he minds.” He didn’t really mind at all, of course. He was actually kind of amused.

“Oh I did ask him,” Eric said, “well, originally he just asked me if I needed help with today’s class, and then when I told him that you were helping me already, he begged me to let him help too.”

“Did he really?” Jinhwan asked, looking back at Jimin, who was prying kids off of him.

“Yeah, ask him yourself if you don’t believe me.” Eric put an arm around his shoulders before calling to Jimin.

“Jimin-ah, you’re almost late, hurry up and get changed.”

Jimin’s face was slightly panicked when he looked up. “What, no hyung there’s still ten minutes, I made sure--” then he noticed Jinhwan, and he saw the look on Eric’s face, and Jimin scrunched his face up and a bit of a blush coloured his cheeks. “Ah, hyung! Don’t tease me like that.”

Eric laughed. “So easy to rile up; come here.”

Jimin approached them eagerly, bowing deeply to Jinhwan. “Jinhwan-sshi, it’s nice to see you again! I hope you don’t mind that I asked hyung if I could come and help out today too. I, uh, wanted to greet you again.”

Okay, that was winning the kid huge points in Jinhwan’s book. “Ah, just call me hyung, okay?”

“Thank you, hyung!”

“Jinan-ie’s just happy to have someone around who’s shorter than him, right kiddo?”

Jinhwan glared at Eric, but it was true, at least. He hadn’t grown any since the last time he’d seen Eric, but neither had Jimin, at least. Small victories.

“Ah, hyung, quit teasing us short guys, okay?” Jimin whined, and unlike the first time he’d heard it, Jinhwan didn’t find his whining annoying now.

“I tease to show I care,” Eric replied, winking at Jinhwan, “now come along, my tiny apprentices, get changed so we can get this session started.”

Jinhwan followed Jimin into the changing room, and together they quickly changed into their gis. Jimin’s eyes caught on Jinhwan when he was knotting his belt up.

“When did you get your brown belt, hyung?”

Jinhwan finished tying it and looked at him. “About a week ago.”

“Ah, that’s awesome, congratulations! How does it feel, being a rank higher now?”

“Pretty good, actually.”

“One step away from a black belt. Must be exciting!”

“It is, for sure. You want to get your black some day?”

“Definitely, I mean I have to catch up to you, right?”

“Mm, rematch?” Jinhwan , and Jimin grinned back at him.

“Always!”

“Maybe if everyone does well today, we’ll end the session with a rematch then?” Eric overheard their discussion, winking at them. The kids yelled in agreement. “What’s this, Jinan?” Eric grabbed the end of his belt. “You didn’t have this the last time I saw you.”

“Promoted a week ago!” Jinhwan replied, amused when the kids looked at him with interested eyes.

“You know, kids, Jinhwan and Jimin actually fought each other at a tournament a few months ago,” Eric said, and Jinhwan could have killed him for it.

“Did you win, Jimin hyung?” One of the kids asked, and Jinhwan hoped these kids weren’t going to hate him now for beating their beloved junior instructor.

“Oh no, hyung is a much better fighter than I am, he won that day!” Jimin proudly stated, and Jinhwan wanted to kill them both.

“I actually used to teach Jinhwan too,” Eric said, “before he moved to Seoul.”

“He’s the one in the picture in hyung’s office!” One of the kids yelled, suddenly recognizing Jinhwan’s features.

“I’m what?” Jinhwan looked at Eric for confirmation.

Eric was grinning. “Ah, it’s a picture from your first national title,” Eric replied, and Jinhwan felt warm at the explanation, “Jinhwan-ie was my first student that I ever taught who won at a national tournament.”

The crowd of kids erupted into a chorus of oohs and ahhs, and Jinhwan could barely keep the laughter to himself. Kids at this age were adorable, so easy to impress.

“But that’s enough about us. Time for class, so everyone get to your places on the mats.” Jinhwan watched as the kids assembled and Jimin started taking them through some stretching exercises to get warmed up. Jinhwan stood next to Eric and watched.

“I didn’t think the kids would call me out like that,” Eric whispered to him, and Jinhwan grinned back.

“I feel honoured, still being in a place of importance.”

“Well, like I said, you were my first student to take home a title. You know what they say, there’s always something special about your first, it stays with you for life.”

Jinhwan’s smile was genuine and happy. It was just nice, to be able to talk about this stuff with Eric, even to make little allusions and jokes about their relationship. There really was something special about your first, and Eric had been his first love. He was lucky that things were good between them now, because Eric had been an important part of his growth as a person. He didn’t want to lose that.

The class ran for an hour, and during that time Jinhwan did what he loved doing best—helping kids find their confidence in themselves. He paid attention during the class, picked out the kids who seemed the least sure of themselves and helped them the most. It was worth it for each smile he got in return, to see the looks on their faces when he helped them nail a technique. It reminded him so much of himself when he was that age, lacking in confidence and unsure of everything.

By the end of the class the kids were starting to get antsy, wanting to see he and Jimin fight each other again. Jinhwan usually went into every fight with the intent of winning (even training matches for fun) but when he paused for a moment to think about it, he wondered if that was the right choice this time.

He was only here as a guest and he wouldn’t be back again. Jimin, on the other hand, was with these kids all the time, they all looked up to him.

Should he let Jimin win? Not in an obvious way, of course. Maybe tap a little quick, or be a little slow on noticing him setting up a move. It wouldn’t really be for Jimin, but for the kids. It was important to like your instructors, and the kids loved Jimin, so he was obviously a good guy.

Jinhwan didn’t want to sully his reputation in front of the kids’ eyes.

“You ready for our match, Jimin?” Jinhwan asked him, amused at Jimin’s almost bashful response.

“Always ready, hyung!” They cleared a spot and the kids sat around them, Eric acting as the official.

“Alright, let’s do a ten minute match, okay? Either someone gets the victory, or I’ll count points. You guys good with that?” They both nodded, and Eric got them started.

Jinhwan fought like he wanted to win, because more than anything he just wanted to give them all a good match, Jimin included. But near the end he got his chance. He had Jimin in a shoulder lock, but he didn’t have his foot secured. Just as he’d hoped Jimin took the bait and reversed it, and unlike Jinhwan he kept his hold tight, secured it right away.

Jinhwan fought it, made it look good. The kids were yelling around them, and for the first time in his fighting career, Jinhwan willingly lost a fight. He tapped out and laid there, breathing hard as Jimin celebrated the victory. He looked at him out of the corner of his eye, grinning when he saw Jimin being tackled to the ground by the kids.

Mission accomplished.

But when he sat up he suddenly came face to face with one of the kids he’d been helping.

“It was a good fight, hyung.” The boy said to him, almost in a whisper.

Jinhwan smiled at him and nodded. “It was a really good fight, he got a lot better since the last time I fought him.”

“He must have, if he beat you, cause you’re a brown belt and he’s only purple.”

Jinhwan pulled the kid onto his lap, which made the boy smile. “You know what? Belts don’t always truly measure how good of a fighter someone is. Remember that when you fight guys, okay? Just because someone is a belt higher than you, that doesn’t mean they’ll beat you for sure. When I was a blue belt, there was a guy I trained with who had a purple belt, and I always used to beat him when we fought each other.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Sometimes you get lucky, or sometimes you fight a guy who’s having a bad day. What matters though, is that you always learn something from every fight. That’s the most important thing to always remember. You won’t win every fight, but if you pay attention, you’ll always learn something, and that’s the most important thing.”

The boy nodded and hugged him suddenly, and Jinhwan looked up to see Eric watching him with a fond smile. Jinhwan smiled back at him. This was the reason why he wanted to do this so bad. This was something he could never achieve with music. Music gave comfort, but Jinhwan wanted to inspire confidence.
 

“Alright, I have to ask, why did you let Jimin win?”

Jinhwan grinned at the question. He’d been expecting Eric to ask and was surprised he’d waited this long. They were in a booth at their favourite seafood place, waiting for their food.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, he beat me fair and square.”

“Bull he did,” Eric didn’t buy it, of course, “you did a good job, though, I don’t think even Jimin realized what you did, but I saw it.”

Jinhwan shrugged. “It was his lucky day.”

“Really, though, why did you do it? Usually you’re too competitive to willingly throw a fight.”

Jinhwan smiled at him, and he was happy Eric had picked up on it. “Honestly, at first I wanted to just kick his again, what with my promotion and all. But it was the kids.”

“The kids?”

“Yeah. Those kids really love him, and I’ll probably never see any of them again. I didn’t want them to remember me as that guy they saw once who kicked their favourite hyung’s , you know? Instead I’d let them celebrate something with him.”

Eric shook his head, impressed. “That’s awfully mature of you.”

Jinhwan grinned at him. “I know, just full of surprises, right?”

“Are you ever.”

Jinhwan hadn’t decided on a good way to bring up his dad, so he decided to just go for it now while they were waiting for their food. “Speaking of surprises, my dad called my mom, said he wanted to see me.”

It surprised Eric as much as it had Jinhwan. “What did you say?”

Jinhwan shook his head, hoping to get the clarity he needed from this conversation. “As soon as she told me, I knew I didn’t want to see him. She kept telling me to not make a hasty decision, to make sure I really thought about it.”

“And what are you thinking?”

“I’m not ready to think about him again. I don’t like thinking about him, because it just makes me really angry. I know that forgiving people can really help you move past things, but honestly I don’t feel like I’m ready to even think about it. I don’t care if he has changed, if he’s a good guy now. I want to be angry at him, and I want him to know I’m angry. Does that sound toxic? Or do you think I’m right in feeling that way?” That was Jinhwan’s biggest concern. He knew he had a right to be angry at his father, but holding grudges wasn’t always healthy for a person.

Eric didn’t hesitate before answering. “Well, you’re not wrong, of course. He hurt you a lot, hurt your whole family. But I guess my concern is how much does it affect you. Are you consumed with anger towards him? Do you think about him often?”

Jinhwan shook his head. “Honestly I try to think about him as little as possible. Usually I don’t think about him at all, it’s like I’ve just removed that part of my life. I only think about him when I think about the specific situation, if you know what I mean.”

Eric nodded. “I get it, and I guess there’s your answer. If you were constantly angry, constantly thinking about him, then I’d be worried. Because it would be this omni-present toxicity in your life. But if you never really think about him, then I think you’re okay. You’re allowed to be angry at people who’ve hurt you, and you’re allowed to not want to forgive them. I mean honestly, who’s to say he even deserves your forgiveness? There’s a difference between forgiving someone, and then not forgiving them but moving on. You might never want to forgive him for what he did, but there might come a day when you want to leave it in the past and move on. But only you know when the time is right for you to do that.”

Jinhwan felt better listening to Eric’s answer. “I think I still want to be mad at him because I feel like I haven’t been mad for long enough.”

“You spent too much time with your anger misdirected at your mom instead of at him, so that makes sense. You feel like you’d be cheating your mom if you let him back in.”

“That’s it exactly, hyung.” Eric had nailed it, and Jinhwan was grateful to him for putting it in words because he hadn’t truly understood why he felt that way. “I should have been angry with him from the beginning, because everything was always his fault. But instead he let mom take the fall for everything, he and grandpa both made me hate her, made me angry and bitter towards her, and I didn’t even get anything out of it, you know? I tried to pander to dad all those years, thought if I could make him happy then I’d be happier. But he was never doing any of it for me, it was always for himself. He’s the one responsible for ruining the family, not mom. I feel like he deserves my anger for the rest of his life, because he made me hurt my relationship with mom for so long.”

“That sounds completely legit, Jinan. If his actions had only impacted you, maybe it would be different, but they impacted you and your mother, and your sister, and you guys all suffered because of him. Maybe he’s a good person now, who knows. But even if he is, he doesn’t deserve you now, just because he’s your dad. If he truly has changed, and if he wants to put you first, then he’ll wait as long as it takes for you to be ready to talk to him. But if he refuses to understand and presses again, then you’ll know he’s only doing it to comfort his own guilty conscience.”

Jinhwan felt so relieved at Eric’s opinion, felt like it validated his own feelings. He reached out and grabbed Eric’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Thanks, hyung, like I felt pretty confident that my thoughts were right, but you put some things into words for me. Thank you for that.”

Eric smiled back at him, looked proud. “You’ve come a long way, Jinan. You’ve matured a lot emotionally, I’m impressed.”

Jinhwan smiled back at him. It felt good to hear that, and it was good to know that he really had come a long way emotionally. “Ah none of it would be possible without you! Honestly, if you hadn’t been there, I’d probably be a disaster right now.”

“Probably.” They both laughed at that. “So have you talked to your mom about California yet?”

Jinhwan shook his head. “No, I was thinking about just waiting until after Christmas, especially with the whole dad conversation. I want to just get it over with, but I also want to have a nice and happy Christmas, since last year I was, well let’s say I was a little emotionally compromised.”

Eric grinned and nodded. “Yeah, you and me both.”

Jinhwan grinned back at him, again grateful that they could easily and openly talk about their past without things getting awkward. “I want our Christmas to be happy this year. In case I don’t get the answer I want. I don’t want to make things uncomfortable.”

“I can understand that. But you never know when the right moment will pop up. She might bring it up first, who knows.”

“I was wondering if I should wait for Seiyeon to get home, but then mom might feel like we’re ganging up on her. But Seiyeon’s always been better at talking to mom than I’ve been.”

“About your problems, maybe, I’m sure she has bitter arguments with your mom when you’re not around, though. It’s always easier to discuss something that doesn’t directly affect your own life, so don’t feel like she’s got something on you. Just stay calm and remember what you need to say. Approach it properly, and she’ll listen to you.”

Jinhwan nodded, taking a sip of his tea before continuing. “I know, that’s been my problem, I yelled too much before. Had this expectation that I deserved to have her blindly support every decision I make, but I understand that I can’t act like that. I wouldn’t want her to treat me that way, so I can’t do it to her.”

Eric grinned and patted his hand. “Ah, that mature response. You’ve grown well, Jinan.”

“Except height-wise, right?” Jinhwan replied sarcastically, getting the jab in before Eric could.

“Except height-wise! Which is good, you’re already enough to handle as it is. I can’t imagine a taller you. Wouldn’t seem right.”

Jinhwan shook his head and kicked him under the table. “So annoying.”

“Hey speaking of annoying, how are things going with that guy? Junhoe, right?”

“Yeah, the big, loud, and annoying one.” Jinhwan grinned, grateful that he’d asked. “It’s going well. I finally banged him.”

“Oh? And how was it?” Eric asked, an amused expression on his face.

“Better than expected,” Jinhwan replied, “he learns well.” Eric nodded and for just a second Jinhwan saw the expression slip, saw the brief flash of regret in his eyes. But it didn’t last long, and conversation flowed along easily. Their food came and Jinhwan inquired about Eric’s life. “How’s married life?”

Eric shrugged. “Better than expected,” he teased back, “she’s a fun person, I wasn’t sure how it would feel, but it hasn’t really changed anything, being married. I enjoy spending time with her, honestly. I thought I’d get tired of pretending, but to be fair it’s not that much of a lie. I do love her. She’s my best friend, so really it could be a lot worse.”

Jinhwan was surprised at the answer, especially because it seemed honest. “That’s good. But you know, as much as I love Bobby and I love living with him, I wouldn’t really want to marry him.”

Eric nodded, and finally the happy look fell from his face completely, replaced with one of worry. “I’ve been thinking about telling her the truth.”

Jinhwan was surprised to hear it. “Why now?”

“Ah, you know, typical meddling parents, pressuring us to start a family. At first it was fine, because she said she didn’t want any for a few years, at least. But I’ve seen her checking out baby stuff lately, and I think she might be changing her mind. If it was just the two of us, if she didn’t want kids at all, it would be different, I might not ever tell her. But I don’t know. I shouldn’t do that with a family.”

Jinhwan listened to him talk. He was surprised that Eric was telling him about the issue. The only time he’d ever shared any of his own concerns had been when he’d explained about the engagement to begin with, and even that had just been an explanation. It hadn’t really seemed like he’d been sharing anything. But now he was bringing up his own problem in a way he never had before, and Jinhwan was happy for it.

Eric seemed to pick up on it too. “Ah, I shouldn’t be loading this on you, it’s Christmas, you’re not here to listen to me cry about my own situation.”

Jinhwan reached out to take his hand again. “No, tell me. You sound like you need to talk, and I want to listen.”

“Ah, it’s okay. You have your own concerns, and I’ve always been there for you. You don’t have to do that for me.”

Jinhwan wasn’t willing to give up. “You can tell me, okay? I’m not an emotionally compromised kid anymore.” The comment made Eric smile. “Do you have anyone to talk to about this?”

Eric shook his head. “Not really. Not anyone who understands, at least.”

“So talk to me, then. Our relationship doesn’t just have to be you helping me. I can help you too.”

Eric met his eyes then, and for only the second time since knowing him, Jinhwan saw tears in them. “Thanks, I appreciate that, truly.”

Jinhwan smiled back at him. He’d looked up to Eric for so long, and it felt nice to be trusted to see the vulnerable side of him finally. “So, kids.”

“Yeah, kids. So what do you think I should do? Should I just live with it, or should I tell her?”

Jinhwan had his opinions, and he launched into them right away, eager to help him sort out his own issues. “Let’s say you don’t tell her, and you just let things happen. Maybe things will be okay, maybe they’ll be better than expected. But they say kids change things, and maybe the way you guys work together now won’t be good enough anymore. Maybe she’ll want more from you, things she doesn’t want now. And maybe you’ll feel like they’re things you can’t give, but you’ll fake it anyway. You’ll both know something’s wrong, though. And it’ll create tension, and you’ll both start feeling bitter. But then you have this kid, and maybe that kid is going to be the one who gets caught in the middle. Then all three of you will be miserable. It’s not worth taking the chance.”

Eric nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking. But then what happens if she hates me for it? What if she’s so against it that she tells our families? My parents will disown me over this. There’s no question about it, my parents despise gay people. Her family’s the same, I found that out recently. What if they use it to ruin me professionally? How many parents are going to want a gay guy to teach their kids? I’ll probably ruin my career.”

“What if you moved back to the US? Do you think it would be better there?”

Eric shrugged. “I don’t know, probably, but it depends on where you are, really. I just feel like I have so much to lose, and what exactly do I stand to gain?”

“You get to be honest, and you get to lose the weight on your shoulders from lying. It might not seem like much in comparison to what you can lose, but peace of mind is vastly underrated.”

Eric nodded. “You’re right, of course, and it just means that I need to take a really hard look at what’s important to me.”

“I guess you could prioritize it this way: do you prioritize your own safety net, or do you prioritize your future family? Because if you do lose everything, who’s to say you can’t build it all back up again? When you do, at least you do it honestly, and you’ll be happier with yourself, because you won’t have to lie. But if you keep lying, you can’t so easily start things over if you have a family. She might hate you forever, and your kid might hate you too. Might spend years hating you. No kid should grow up hating their parents.” Jinhwan knew that all too well.

“I’d be ruining two other lives, at least, because what if we have more than one kid?”

Jinhwan nodded. “But this is all worst case scenario. You never know, she might actually be happy about it.”

Eric fixed him with a baffled expression. “Why would she be happy?”

Jinhwan grinned back at him. “Well, you’ve said she’s not really super affectionate, right? There are people who aren’t even really attracted to anyone, they just like being close, but they don’t really want something romantic or physical. I mean you never know. She might have picked up on something, maybe she can sense that you’re not really into her, and maybe that’s what she wants.”

Eric grinned and shook his head. “Everything works out just like a fairytale, right?”

Jinhwan shrugged. “Hey, you’re doing yourself a disservice if you only imagine the worst. You need to put positive thoughts out there too. Because it is a possibility. Weirder things have happened.”

“Ah, you’re right. I might get lucky. Thanks for the talk, honestly. I think I needed it more than I realized.”

“I’m always available if you need to talk again, about anything. You helped me so much, you’re still helping me. I want to help you too if you need it, now that I can.”

Eric reached for his hand again, squeezing it tightly. “I’ll remember that.”