Notes: hmm... so i start video editting and i will try to make trailers haahhaahahahahahahahaha bye. 

(Jiae’s POV)

I haven’t go to school for a week now. Everybody kept on calling me and sending me messages but I have no feelings to reply them. I did read them. A lot of them were calling me. Even my parents. I did reply to my parents. I just told them that I was sick. They might think physically but honestly I am sick mentally.

Now, everything is just gloomy and everything I looked seemed to be so sad. Even GOT7 can’t make me happy anymore. I deactivated those fan accounts of mine and send my last goodbye to them who had enjoyed my page. I do love them but I just can’t do it anymore. I spent days laying down on the floor, listening to some sad songs out loud. Sometimes, I would hear my door being knock and my doorbell rang but everything was all in my head. Nobody did ring my bell. Nobody knock my door.

Yesterday, I saw the teaser of GOT7’s comeback and the songs were hella great. And that reminded me of Yongguk. He must had been busy preparing those songs. He hadn’t been home for so long. Speaking about Yongguk, he did sent me some messages. He had been out of town for awhile and kept on sending me pictures. He tried. I wonder if Jongup told Yongguk about what I did to him.

The memory of me and Jongup was still as fresh as ever. The moment Yongguk came, I remembered how Yongguk’s eyes reflected nothing but pain whereas Jongup’s reflected anger. Had Jongup always been that angry? I had never seen him that furious before. It was odd. Why are we like this? What happened to our friendship?

My phone played the song I’ll Be Your Man by BTOB and that made my heart ached so badly. It felt as if those words were for me. It made me sick how all songs can be relate to me right now.

I could my tummy grumbled and my throat felt so dry. I havn’t each much these days. I have no appetite. How to even eat when the only thing in your head was to starve till death? I hugged my legs and curled up on the floor.

Then, just then.. the thought of doing it came back. I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head. no no no no I don’t want to kill myself.. no no.. I kept on chanting it to myself. I can’t do it again. It was too painful. What’s the use of you living? You’re useless. You made someone leave. You hurt someone’s feeling. Someone who had helped you so much. Kill yourself. The voices were getting louder.

You’re ing useless.

You don’t deserve to live. off. Jump of the building.

Kill yourself Jiae. GO die!

I cried louder, trying to stop the voices in my head. I hate it when this happened. Why do I have to experience this?? hopelessly, I grabbed the blade I kept in my drawer. Crying, I pressed the blade against my arm. The wound was still red. It hadn’t even heal yet. I pressed down deeper and pulled it. Blood trailed down my arm but I don’t feel satisfied yet. I can still feel the pain in my chest.

I cut again and again and again and again until the pain in my chest was gone leaving only the pain on my arm. The sting there was better than the pain in my chest. I winced a little when I moved my arms. There were a couple drops of blood that stained my bed sheet and also my clothes. didn’t bother about it, I laid back down and closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep.

It will go away… 

**

“Jiae? Are you home? Jiae..?

I heard the familiar voice calling for my name but everything was black. I can’t open my eyes. I tried but I cant. Then, I could feel something cold touch me, holding to my left hand. “Hey, What the .. Jiae! Your arm…” the voice grew panic. “Jiae.. why did you cut your wrist.. what the hell..”

Help..

I could feel as if my body began to float. I was being carried away. Even in this darkness, I can feel how his heart beating so loud in his chest. I can feel it against own chest. We were so close to each other.

“Please.. don’t die on me. don’t die.. I didn’t mean to.. .. Jongup gonna kill me if he knows.. please don’t die..”

My heart ached at the mention of his name. Moon Jongup.. that name I wished I can erase out of my mind. Out of my life. However, at the same time, I want him to be close with me. I need a Jongup in my life.

“Jiae..”

Yongguk..  

**

I forced my eyes to open and finally, I can see the light. It was too bright. I squinted my eyes for a better view. I tried to move my hand but it was too painful and something was holding it down too. When I moved my head a little to see what was holding to my hand was a hand owned by the man who lived beside my house. Yongguk.. his hair was as messy as my life and he was snoring too. Soft snores.

A small smile was drawn on my face when I watched him sleep. The sudden realization hit me when I noticed that I was in the hospital room. Does my parents know about this? Will they bring me in the house again if they know? Please, I don’t want to live there.  

Startlingly, Yongguk woke up and instantly held on to my hand tighter, making me winced in pain. “Jiae-oh my god sorry,” he loosely hold my hand and watched me. I was really embarrassed, I am not sure why. He seemed to be genuinely concern about me and that made me feel guilty. Does Yongguk know about me and Jongup now? Did Jongup tell Yongguk that me and him has nothing to do anymore.. well atleast for now..?

“Are you feeling better?”

“Did you call my parents?” I asked him, didn’t even bother to answer his question. Yongguk shook his head. “Do you want me to?” he looked so timid and scared when he asked me that. Smiling, I shook my head. “No. It’s better that way. I don’t want them to know. They don’t care anyways,” I softly chuckled and bit my lips. Ask him.. the voice said in my head.

“Did you tell Jongup?”

For some reasons, his grip on my hand tighten at the slightest. “I called him thousand times but he didn’t pick up. At all. I sent messages and voicemails. I guess he does know but he didn’t contact me back.” he looked down. “Is he mad at me or something,” he mumbled. Using every ounce of my strength, I pulled my hand our from his grip and held his hand instead. “No.. he’s not mad at you. don’t worry. I know him.”

Yongguk couldn’t help but to stare at our hands. I don’t know what I did but this seemed to be the right thing to do. He doesnt have to know that Jongup and I were fighting. He would feel even worst and might just lock himself up. I cant bear seeing my friends like that. Let it be just me who experience this pain.

“You should go home and take a shower.. I need sometimes alone.” I told him. Smiling, he nodded. “You sure you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah.. I will try to contact Jongup and inform you later,” I told him. And by that, Yongguk left. I took in a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. Just when I was about to reach for my phone..

“Are you suuuure you’ll be alright when I’m not here?” Yongguk’s head popped from the door, making me squeaked. “Bang Yongguk!” I covered my face with my hand, hiding my blushing face. I hate being jump-scared like that. The boy entered the room and held both of my hands, removing it from my face. When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the most handsome smile ever. “You’re such a cutie..” he chuckled and put my hands together before kissing it.

“I’m not gonna leave you. If that’s what you think then you’re wrong,” he continued, kissing my hand again. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach doing its stunts and my heart felt as if it was gonna explode. Yongguk.. what are you doing.. I blinked, staring at him. “I was wrong. I left for few days ago wasn’t fully because of my work but I thought I can live without thinking about you,” he paused, looking into my eyes. “Well, guess what..”

The boy chuckled. “I can’t.”

“That’s why I barged into your house. I knew you were inside and it scared the out of me when you didn’t answer me. And oh dear god Jiae,” he closed his eyes as if he could feel the pain surging inside him. “Seeing you laying unconscious.. that ing kill me,” he got on to both of his knees so that our eyes level were the same and he smiled. “So.. no. Imma stay here for you. You need someone, you need something.. you have me. Your personal puppet,”

Yongguk… 

To be continued.