"Oh, Jonghyun, you make me laugh," he says as he slides his arm around my shoulder.


I don't want him to touch me.
I don't want him anywhere near me!
I can't stand being in his presence.
Everything about him
Is so...
Cold.

His gaze -
His stance -
His words -
His heart.

I hate being around him
Because he is so cold.


"Get your arm off of me, Minho!" I scream as I try to free myself from his grip.

But my efforts are useless
Considering the fact that my wrists are still chained to the wall.

Oh, how many times I have prayed for my chains to be broken!
How many times I have wished for just a moment of alleviation!
But this God I pray to doesn't want me to feel a moment of happiness.

I probably don't deserve to feel happiness anyway.
Not after what I did to him -
Not after what I did to Kibum.


"Jonghyun, you're funny. Do you know that?"


"Don't say that. Don't talk to me like that!"


"Why not? You always let 'him' do it."


After he says these words,
He starts laughing like mad -
Closing his eyes,
Throwing his head back,
And emitting loud, callous chuckles.


"Minho...
Don't ever...
Speak of 'him'
Again."


I am trying to hold back my anger.

I am gripping my hands tightly on my knees
And breathing deeply and slowly
To try to keep sight of my mental stability.

One thing about Minho always proves true -
He was made to drive me to madness.


"Oh, Jonghyun, who are you to tell me not to speak of my brother? I loved him, don't you see. He was my brother and I loved him..."


"Stop it, Minho! Just stop!"


 I let loose upon hearing his lies.

Why is he lying to me?
There's nobody around to witness this conversation -
The public eye is not on him...

So why is he still wearing his mask?

What is he trying to prove?


"What? Why?
Oh, Jonghyun, his death has made me so...distressed..."


He takes a slight pause,
And in the middle of this pause,
He moves his hand to his chest comically
And holds it over his heart.

 I can't believe he would defile Kibum like this.
He really is more heartless than I could have ever imagined.


"No, you're not distressed, Minho. You could care less.
You're making a mockery of your brother's death, and I won't stand for it! If you don't stop, I swear..."


"You'll do what, Jonghyun? What could you possibly do?
Nobody listens to do.
Nobody cares about you.
And do you know why, Jonghyun?
Because you're crazy.
Everyone knows you're crazy,
And no decent or sane person would ever listen to someone who is crazy.

Besides, your pathetic body is chained to that wall.
There's no way you could possibly escape and rat me out.

It's not like anybody would believe you even if you did manage to escape.
I have a noble reputation around here, Jonghyun,
And there's no way the words of a psychotic, orphaned, homoual piece of prison bait could ever change the opinions of respectable members of society.

So, what are you going to do, Jonghyun?
Tell me.
I'd really love to know.

What happens if I don't stop?
What could you possibly do to stop me?"


In this moment,
I hang my head in defeat.


I hate knowing that he's right.
I hate it when he uses his callous words on me.

He does it all for one reason -
Just to ensure that I will stay irrational,
That I will still be insane
The next moment he visits,
Just so he can torture me further, with more intensity.

Dammit, Minho.
How are you able to torture me so?


"Minho...please..."


I can't say anything more,
For now his words have made my mind start to wander
And my heartbeat slow to a dangerously sluggish pace
As I begin my episode of self-loathing and guilt.


"Alright, Jonghyun, I'll leave. But only because you said please."


And with these words,
He initiates his plan to begin another ruthless upraor.

He walks to the door,
Leaving me alone to absorb all he has said and take it into heavy consideration
Despite the fact that I'd much rather forget he was here in the first place.


When he reaches the door,
He rests his hand its frame,
Turns to me one last time,
And snidely says:


"Oh, and you were right, Jonghyun. I'm not distressed over his death.
I really could care less.
Making a mockery of my brother's death, am I? Oh, no. That's not it at all.

I'm merely using it to make you miserable."


I can't control myself any longer.

The rage that has remained dormant for so long
Finally fills every crevice of my body.

I start lashing and thrashing and fighting
To break my chains,

So I can rip Minho to shreds
And laugh as I do it.

But he knows that I will never be able to escape
No matter how hard I try.

So he just stands there and watches my pathetic attempts in amusement.

And, the more I fight,
The more I realize...
I am only feeding his desire
To watch me break down completely.


"I think it's time you moved on, Jonghyun," Minho says as he turns his body so he is facing me straight on.
"The rest of us have moved on.
You see, nobody cared about Kibum.
He was an abomination, that Kibum.

He could have been great;
He could have been an incredible attribute to society.

But no. He had to meet you -
You had to change his destined path and contaminate his..."


"You're wrong, Minho!" I cut him off exasperatedly, becoming more and more fatigued as my movements become more and more erratic and desperate,
"I...I made him happy, Minho!
He said so himself!
He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him..."


"Oh, don't make me laugh, Jonghyun.
Do you think he ever really cared for you in the first place?
You were just his pity project.
He just took you in and said those things because he felt sorry for you.
You never meant a thing to him.
Just look at what he did to you.

If he loved you, he wouldn't have done it,
Would he?"


And with those words,
My movements cease altogether.


No, don't listen, Jonghyun.
He's...he's lying to you again.

Kibum said he loved you himself.

You...you couldn't possibly be...

He...he couldn't possibly have said those things...
Just because he felt sorry for you.

He...he loved you.

You know he loved you.


But...if he did love you...
Then why did he...betray you?


What if...Minho...
Is right? 


Just as this thought occurs to me,
I am reminded of a memory
That I have yet failed to recall.

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It is late.

I am still awake at the early hours of the morning
On the day after Minho made his stay at Kibum's apartment.

I try to fall asleep on the red couch in the living room
But find that I cannot do so
Thanks to all the feelings
And all the memories
That it harbors.

Just as the song of sleep lulls me into partial unconsciousness,
I hear a door open.

I try to ignore the sound and force myself to fall asleep,
But I am awakened yet again by a pair of gentle hands shaking my shoulders and cooing my name.


"Kibum, what is it?" I ask drowsily as he continues to lightly shake my worn out body.

"I...I can't sleep..."

"Oh, really?" I ask, envious of his ability to fall asleep at least once tonight -
"And why is that?"

"I had a nightmare."


"Oh, did you?" I ask sincerely as I grab his hand and motion for him to join me on the couch -
"What was it about?"


"It was about...about a monster.

I was only a boy in my dream,
And the monster was just my size.

The monster was chasing me all around my house
And saying that my mommy didn't love me as much as she loved him.

I was crying because I knew everything the monster said was true...
But I just didn't want to believe him.

Then the monster grew up.

The monster grew up,
But I didn't grow up.

I was sleeping in my bed...
And the monster opened my bedroom door.

He said that he wanted to sleep with me...
And I let him.

But when I started to hug my blanket...
The monster became angry.

The monster ripped my blanket from my reach
And told me that I needed to grow up.
He said that only babies sleep with blankets.
Then he bunched up my blanket and threw it on the floor.

I yelled at the monster as I jumped out of bed to get the blanket,
But when I got back on my bed with the blanket in my hand,
The monster was gone.

I was worried, but I just pretended like he was never there in the first place
And that everything would be alright if I kept pretending.

But just as I settled myself into bed...
My door swung wide open...

There was a man at the door.

The man had...
Had a knife in his hands.

The man jumped on my bed...
And held me down...

And just as he was about to stab the blade through my chest...
I woke up."


I can see that Kibum is sweating.
The trail of a tear drop is still visible on his cheeks.


"Oh, Kibum! That must have been horrifying."

"It was, Jonghyun.
And I really wanted...
To ask if you would stay in my room tonight."

"Kibum, I'd love to..."

But before I can finish speaking,
He puts his finger on top of my lips
And says:

 "I wanted to ask you, Jonghyun,
But then I realized...that he's here.
Minho's here."


With those words,
Kibum rises from the couch
And starts walking in the direction of his bedroom.


"Kibum, wait!" I protest quietly as I too rise from the couch and grab his wrist, making him stop before he can disappear from me and the ears of his step-brother - the ears of the world.
"What does Minho being here have to do with anything?"

"God, Jonghyun! Don't you understand?" Kibum asks sharply as he turns his body and stares directly into my eyes.

"Two men...aren't supposed to...sleep together.
It's not...not right..."


"Since when have we cared about what's 'right'?"
 

"We don't...but..."


"But what? If we don't care then why...?"

"Because he's here, Jonghyun! Because Minho's here! That's why we care."


"Kibum...I don't...understand..."

Kibum lets out a frustrated sigh,
Runs his fingers through his hair,
And says:


"Minho doesn't know about...about 'us,' Jonghyun;
Minho can never know about 'us'!
If he ever finds out...
He'll ruin my life.

He'll make my life hell, Jonghyun.
Because that's what Minho does.

He takes so much pleasure in ruining my life."


"I'm...sure he's not that bad, Kibum..."

"Stop defending him, Jonghyun!
You don't know anything about Minho!

Please...just...promise me that...
You'll be careful around me.

I don't want Minho to hurt me...
But I especially don't want him to hurt you."


"Kibum...Minho's not..."

"Just promise me, Jonghyun!" he shrieks as he roughly grabs my forearms with his gentle hands.


"Okay, Kibum! Okay. I'll be mindful of my actions."

"Thank you," Kibum sighs as he releases his hold on me and wipes the sweat from his forehead.

"Of course," I reply as my body yearns for his touch once more.
"Now...what can I do to help you fall asleep again?"


"With your promise,
I can do just that."


With these words,
He leaves me standing alone.


As I stand there, alone,
I can't help but think that Kibum is overexaggerating.

Minho doesn't seem like the type who would purposefully ruin someone's life.
What could possibly drive Minho to do such a thing?


Kibum has to be paranoid.

Yeah, that's it;
Kibum's just paranoid.
 

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"I'll leave you to think about all I have said, Jonghyun," Minho says calmly as he shoots me his humbling stare.

Finally.
It's about time he leaves.


"It would be wise of you to reflect on my words
And to reflect on the nature of your actions.

You're standing trial tomorrow, Jonghyun;
You don't have a moment to waste."


As Minho turns to exit the room,
He utters something under his breath
That makes my skin crawl
And my mind rattle with rage at his fault of all feeling:

"Stupid Kibum. He deserved to go.

That ,
He deserved to go."