Eighteen.
Angel In Disguise
I see him standing before me.
Oh, why is he standing before me?
He is standing at the front of the room,
Staring into the very depths of my soul
With a glare so unfriendly, so vengeful,
That my blood begins to curdle
In fear of the worst.
He wears a scowl on his face.
Tears are streaming one by one down his flawless, pale cheeks.
He is wearing nothing but white...
White shoes...
White pants...
A white shirt...
And in the middle of that white shirt
Sits a crimson stain of dried blood -
The blood that was so mercilessly drawn from his flesh -
The blood that once flowed through his veins and sustained his sweet life -
The same blood that is now encrusted on my hands,
On my very conscience itself.
It pains me to see him like this.
It pains me to see him after his severe suffering,
Standing before me as if it was only yesterday.
And all I can do now
Is watch him intently,
Disregarding the trial progressing around me.
"Kim Jonghyun," the judge calls from his chair at the front of the court room.
I try to avert my gaze from Kibum's sorrowful figure,
But I cannot find the strength within myself to do so.
He has now surrounded me in a feeling of inevitable guilt
That, no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.
"Kim Jonghyun, would you care to respond to the accusations made by the prosecution?"
What is this man talking about?
I certainly did not hear any accusations being made.
Am I going crazy?
Hah, Jonghyun.
Are you really asking yourself that?
"A...accusations, sir?"
"Mr. Shim," the judge starts as he turns his body to face the scrawny defense lawyer standing at the other side of the court room, "Would you mind repeating what you just said one more time for the accused?"
"Of course, Your Honor," the lawyer, Mr. Shim, complies as he positions his body so his eyes are looking straight into mine.
"The general court of the province of Seoul finds the actions of the accused, Kim Jonghyun, to be inhumane and worthy of death. Furthermore, it is the belief of the Kim family that the accused, Kim Jonghyun, feels no remorse for his dreadful deed, his cold-hearted murder. The prosecution would like to ask the court:
If a man is not truly sorry for his criminal actions,
On what grounds, then, should he be allowed to live?
In a case such as this -
A case regarding first degree murder,
The intentional taking of a life -
What right does the accused have to continue his life, especially if he feels no regret for his actions?"
Oh my God.
I'm going to die.
I'm going to be executed,
Killed against my will,
Much like he was.
I suppose, then,
That taking my life is only fair.
Taking my life is the only way
I can ever be forgiven by Kibum.
"Well, son? Do you have anything to say to that?" the judge asks me earnestly with a mixed look of disgust and concern.
No, Jonghyun,
Tell him you have nothing to say.
If you just say that,
This whole thing will be over sooner.
You can just get the injection,
Close your eyes,
And bask in the beauty of the memories,
Patiently awaiting his honest forgiveness.
Oh, just picture it Jonghyun -
The feeling of relief!
How beautiful it will be!
Just refute the offer to speak, Jonghyun.
Let's just get this over with quickly, shall we?
N...no.
Wait...Wait!
No! I...I can't.
I...I don't want to die.
I...I just can't...
Not yet!
There are so many truths I have yet to discover,
So many thoughts left unspoken,
So many memories needed to be forgotten.
I...I can't leave this life yet!
I'd rather live the rest of my life in a lonely prison cell
Than trapped beneath the soil, suffocated by the burdens of my sins
And the reminders of my regrets.
"Your Honor, I...I..." I stutter, "That's...that's not true..."
But before I can finish my statement,
I am silenced by the very person from whom I am trying to earn forgiveness.
"You're lying," he whispers harshly.
He begins walking closer to where I am sitting.
The tears that were once falling rapidly from his eyes cease to exist,
And the blood stain on the front of his white shirt begins to grow, completely overshadowing the pure color of the linen in a sea of dark red.
"How could you lie to them, Jonghyun?" he asks in distress, innocently as his footsteps echo throughout the now silent room.
"First you decide to murder me, and now you're lying about it? Oh, Jonghyun, you are such a sinner. How can you be this way?"
I try to answer him,
But no matter how hard I try,
I cannot form the words in my mind
Or force my mouth to utter the jumbled mess of syllables I manage to create.
He is now standing by my side.
He is looking down at me,
His once strikingly apparent scowl now softening.
He looks so...hurt...
So...disappointed....
"I thought you loved me, Jonghyun," he says as tears form in his eyes again.
The blood drenched on his shirt now trickles down his white pants
And further, down to the floor of the court room, completely encompassing his all-white shoes in an ever growing puddle of his own precious bodily fluid.
"You told me you loved me, Jonghyun.
You said I meant everything to you.
Were you lying to me, Jonghyun?
Were you just telling me what you knew I wanted to hear?
Did what we have ever mean anything to you?
Or was it just a matter of convenience for you?"
And with these words,
Kibum clenches his fist,
And the overwhelming force of anger overtakes his body.
"Well, are you going to answer me, Jonghyun?
Are you going to answer me with the truth this time?
Or are you only going to tell me another one of your beautiful lies?"
"K...Kibum...I...I really did love you..."
"Tell me the truth Jonghyun," Kibum asserts frantically while grabbing the collar of my shirt and pulling it so his reddening face is mere inches away from mine.
"Don't lie to me!"
"Kibum, I...I'm not lying..."
"Enough!" Kibum shouts as he s my body back against the chair.
"You've played me a fool for long enough, Jonghyun."
He then grabs both of my shoulders roughly, moving his face right on top of mine and staring hungrily into my fearful eyes.
"You really had me going, you know..."
"I wasn't lying to you, Kibum! I wasn't lying..."
"Shut up!
You can't take back what you've done.
And now, you're gonna pay.
You're gonna pay for this, dammit!"
And with these words,
Kibum grabs my neck tightly with both hands
And begins to choke the life out of me.
I can feel the flow of oxygen being restricted in my veins
As I struggle to remove his hands from my neck
As well as to stop the memories of the past that are flashing rapidly before my eyes.
"Take it, Jonghyun. Take it!
You finally get what you deserve, you bastard."
Just as the room around me fades into an eternal black abyss,
The voice of the judge brings me back to life
And the world around me back into focus.
"Kim Jonghyun? We're waiting for you."
And suddenly,
Kibum releases his hold on my neck -
And just as he does,
The tears that stream down from his eyes
Turn into droplets of wine-red blood,
And the rest of his body fades from my sight.
As he vanishes,
The only thing still as clear and as real to me as my own heartbeat
Is the dark blood streaming out of his eyes,
And his fragile voice calling out one last hysterical threat:
"Die, you damned heartbreaker!
You finally get what you deserved."
Oh, why is he standing before me?
He is standing at the front of the room,
Staring into the very depths of my soul
With a glare so unfriendly, so vengeful,
That my blood begins to curdle
In fear of the worst.
He wears a scowl on his face.
Tears are streaming one by one down his flawless, pale cheeks.
He is wearing nothing but white...
White shoes...
White pants...
A white shirt...
And in the middle of that white shirt
Sits a crimson stain of dried blood -
The blood that was so mercilessly drawn from his flesh -
The blood that once flowed through his veins and sustained his sweet life -
The same blood that is now encrusted on my hands,
On my very conscience itself.
It pains me to see him like this.
It pains me to see him after his severe suffering,
Standing before me as if it was only yesterday.
And all I can do now
Is watch him intently,
Disregarding the trial progressing around me.
"Kim Jonghyun," the judge calls from his chair at the front of the court room.
I try to avert my gaze from Kibum's sorrowful figure,
But I cannot find the strength within myself to do so.
He has now surrounded me in a feeling of inevitable guilt
That, no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot escape.
"Kim Jonghyun, would you care to respond to the accusations made by the prosecution?"
What is this man talking about?
I certainly did not hear any accusations being made.
Am I going crazy?
Hah, Jonghyun.
Are you really asking yourself that?
"A...accusations, sir?"
"Mr. Shim," the judge starts as he turns his body to face the scrawny defense lawyer standing at the other side of the court room, "Would you mind repeating what you just said one more time for the accused?"
"Of course, Your Honor," the lawyer, Mr. Shim, complies as he positions his body so his eyes are looking straight into mine.
"The general court of the province of Seoul finds the actions of the accused, Kim Jonghyun, to be inhumane and worthy of death. Furthermore, it is the belief of the Kim family that the accused, Kim Jonghyun, feels no remorse for his dreadful deed, his cold-hearted murder. The prosecution would like to ask the court:
If a man is not truly sorry for his criminal actions,
On what grounds, then, should he be allowed to live?
In a case such as this -
A case regarding first degree murder,
The intentional taking of a life -
What right does the accused have to continue his life, especially if he feels no regret for his actions?"
Oh my God.
I'm going to die.
I'm going to be executed,
Killed against my will,
Much like he was.
I suppose, then,
That taking my life is only fair.
Taking my life is the only way
I can ever be forgiven by Kibum.
"Well, son? Do you have anything to say to that?" the judge asks me earnestly with a mixed look of disgust and concern.
No, Jonghyun,
Tell him you have nothing to say.
If you just say that,
This whole thing will be over sooner.
You can just get the injection,
Close your eyes,
And bask in the beauty of the memories,
Patiently awaiting his honest forgiveness.
Oh, just picture it Jonghyun -
The feeling of relief!
How beautiful it will be!
Just refute the offer to speak, Jonghyun.
Let's just get this over with quickly, shall we?
N...no.
Wait...Wait!
No! I...I can't.
I...I don't want to die.
I...I just can't...
Not yet!
There are so many truths I have yet to discover,
So many thoughts left unspoken,
So many memories needed to be forgotten.
I...I can't leave this life yet!
I'd rather live the rest of my life in a lonely prison cell
Than trapped beneath the soil, suffocated by the burdens of my sins
And the reminders of my regrets.
"Your Honor, I...I..." I stutter, "That's...that's not true..."
But before I can finish my statement,
I am silenced by the very person from whom I am trying to earn forgiveness.
"You're lying," he whispers harshly.
He begins walking closer to where I am sitting.
The tears that were once falling rapidly from his eyes cease to exist,
And the blood stain on the front of his white shirt begins to grow, completely overshadowing the pure color of the linen in a sea of dark red.
"How could you lie to them, Jonghyun?" he asks in distress, innocently as his footsteps echo throughout the now silent room.
"First you decide to murder me, and now you're lying about it? Oh, Jonghyun, you are such a sinner. How can you be this way?"
I try to answer him,
But no matter how hard I try,
I cannot form the words in my mind
Or force my mouth to utter the jumbled mess of syllables I manage to create.
He is now standing by my side.
He is looking down at me,
His once strikingly apparent scowl now softening.
He looks so...hurt...
So...disappointed....
"I thought you loved me, Jonghyun," he says as tears form in his eyes again.
The blood drenched on his shirt now trickles down his white pants
And further, down to the floor of the court room, completely encompassing his all-white shoes in an ever growing puddle of his own precious bodily fluid.
"You told me you loved me, Jonghyun.
You said I meant everything to you.
Were you lying to me, Jonghyun?
Were you just telling me what you knew I wanted to hear?
Did what we have ever mean anything to you?
Or was it just a matter of convenience for you?"
And with these words,
Kibum clenches his fist,
And the overwhelming force of anger overtakes his body.
"Well, are you going to answer me, Jonghyun?
Are you going to answer me with the truth this time?
Or are you only going to tell me another one of your beautiful lies?"
"K...Kibum...I...I really did love you..."
"Tell me the truth Jonghyun," Kibum asserts frantically while grabbing the collar of my shirt and pulling it so his reddening face is mere inches away from mine.
"Don't lie to me!"
"Kibum, I...I'm not lying..."
"Enough!" Kibum shouts as he s my body back against the chair.
"You've played me a fool for long enough, Jonghyun."
He then grabs both of my shoulders roughly, moving his face right on top of mine and staring hungrily into my fearful eyes.
"You really had me going, you know..."
"I wasn't lying to you, Kibum! I wasn't lying..."
"Shut up!
You can't take back what you've done.
And now, you're gonna pay.
You're gonna pay for this, dammit!"
And with these words,
Kibum grabs my neck tightly with both hands
And begins to choke the life out of me.
I can feel the flow of oxygen being restricted in my veins
As I struggle to remove his hands from my neck
As well as to stop the memories of the past that are flashing rapidly before my eyes.
"Take it, Jonghyun. Take it!
You finally get what you deserve, you bastard."
Just as the room around me fades into an eternal black abyss,
The voice of the judge brings me back to life
And the world around me back into focus.
"Kim Jonghyun? We're waiting for you."
And suddenly,
Kibum releases his hold on my neck -
And just as he does,
The tears that stream down from his eyes
Turn into droplets of wine-red blood,
And the rest of his body fades from my sight.
As he vanishes,
The only thing still as clear and as real to me as my own heartbeat
Is the dark blood streaming out of his eyes,
And his fragile voice calling out one last hysterical threat:
"Die, you damned heartbreaker!
You finally get what you deserved."
"Well, if this boy does not wish to answer," the judge starts, picking up his mallet and fiddling with it, "I suppose it is safe to assume that the prosecution's statement..."
"No!" I finally manage to say, crystal clear - loud enough for my voice to echo around the court room a thousand times over.
"No! I'm not heartless! I just can't be!
I just can't be what you think I am!
I...I do feel the guilt associated with my actions!
If I didn't, then...how could I see him?
How could I see him walking freely about this room, telling me that every word I say is a lie and that I deserve to die just like he did?
How could I think these twisted thoughts - the thoughts that make me wish I was dead just so I could have a break from the torment they bring?
How could I stand before you today and openly admit all of these things - not afraid of judgement, not afraid of punishment - if I felt no guilt for my actions?
Your Honor, I know that I am to blame. I know that I am guilty for the trouble I have brougt him...I mean, the trouble I have brought to his family.
Please, don't declare this case resolved, Your Honor.
I still have much more I need to say before any decisions are made."
I know what you said Kibum.
I know that you are angry with me;
I know that you think I should suffer the same fate you did.
But please, Kibum,
Just give me this one shot.
Just give me this chance to prove that I can fend for myself -
That I can actually do something right.
If you give me this chance,
I promise you,
I'll endure whatever sufferings you have in store for me.
I'll endure each and every one of them,
Free of sorrow and free of tears,
If you just let me have this chance.
"Well then," the judge says in a tone of consideration and, later, approval, "Let the case continue.
Kim Jonghyun,
It is time for your questioning."
After the judge says these words,
I rise from the chair in which I am seated,
Look around the court room at all the unfamiliar faces surrounding me,
And prepare myself for the impact of the indifferent questions awaiting my answers.
But just before I can make my way to the front of the room for questioning,
I feel something strong and coarse wrap itself around my ankle,
Holding me still in the same spot in which I have been seated for so long.
"Jonghyun," calls a voice out of nowhere,
"Don't tell lies.
Don't lie anymore.
It hurts me so much."
I recognize this voice.
It is his voice -
It is Kibum's voice
Coming back again to haunt me.
I look down at my ankles
But don't see anything restricting my movement.
I don't see anything,
But I can definitley feel something there.
What is this cruel trick that Kibum is playing on me?
"Kibum, I promise," I whisper to myself, unknowingly capturing the attention of my lawyer, seated uncomfortably calm at my left side,
"If you just let me do this, I'll let you take me.
I'll leave without complaints, Kibum. I'll leave at your will.
Just let me have this moment to prove to myself that I can do something.
Please, Kibum.
That's all I ask for."
Just as I finish my plead,
I feel the tight sensation around my ankles loosen,
And Kibum's voice cries:
"Alright, Jonghyun. Alright.
I'll let you have this chance.
But after today, after this case is declared closed,
You belong to me and me alone.
Do you understand?"
As the restriction around my ankle finally disappears,
I slowly approach the seat to the right of where the judge is seated,
All the while nodding my head to show Kibum that I fully understand and accept his last statement.
Just as I sit my uneasy body down on the chair,
His voice calls to me again,
This time in a tone that is much kinder and loving:
"Good luck, Jonghyun! You can do this.
I believe in you,
Just as I always have."
But before I can smile at the inspiring words I have just heard,
His soft, soothing voice is cut off by the shrill cry of a demon,
A cry that causes me to grab my ears in pain
And results in all heads turning to me as I writhe in unnatural distress.
"Shut up.
He is doomed to fail, as he has been since the beginning.
Stop cheering for him, you idiot!
He never loved you.
Stop wasting your time -
You'll only hurt yourself."
"Kim Jonghyun! Are you alright?" they all cry out,
But I do not have the voice to answer.
I am being played with.
I am nothing but a toy in the hands of forces outside of my control.
I am a puppet of fate,
And he, the one I trusted above all else, is pulling the strings that control my every move,
My every breath,
My every thought.
And now, dear audience,
It is time for this puppet to take a bow.
And bow I shall.
They say that quitters never win,
But if it means being driven beyond the point of insanity and back,
This is one game I'm ready to stop playing.
this! all of this.
I am ready to give up.
Do you hear that, God, Satan - whoever you are?
Just take me now.
This fight is over.
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