It is now one in the morning.

My trial begins in less than nine hours.

The way I see it, I have nine hours left to live.
Even though my lawyer says he thinks he can win the case for me,
I know that there is no hope.

I am guilty.
I am bound to be convicted
And bound to be executed.


You know, they say that before you die, you go through a great feeling of depression.
You reflect back on all the things you have done,
All the things you have failed to do,
And all the things you were prevented from doing.
They say that the time before dying is the darkest time a person will ever experience.

If this is true,
Then why don't I feel depressed?
Why am I not fearing for the end?
Why am I so deathly calm?
Why am I so unaffected,
Unafraid,
Uncaring?


Because I have nothing more to live for.

If I did manage to testify effectively and wane the jury's opinions,
To what would I return?

I have no home -
I have no family, no friends-
And I have been drained of my sanity and self control.
So tell me, then,
What more do I have to live for?


I have come to accept the fact that I am going to die.
And now that I have accepted it, I do not fear death.
In fact, I willingly welcome death,
And I wish that she would her powerful presence upon me sooner.

Welcome me, death,
Your humble servant is coming home.


And so, I need not fear.
I need not sleep.
I will live my last few hours on this earth drowning in my memories.
That's how I wish to go.
I wish to go in reminiscence.


In this moment of paralyzing silence,
I can't help but recall the words Minho had spoken earlier
Just before he left me alone:


"He deserved to go.
That ,
He deserved to go."


He was wrong.
Minho was wrong.
Kibum didn't deserve to go.
So why did I make that so?

Why couldn't I control myself?

It...it meant nothing...
It all meant nothing...
At least...that's what he said -
That was what he pleaded while you hovered over his shivering body
With the knife in your hands
And your judgment drowned in your bloodlust.


No, Kibum didn't deserve to go.
Fate was just playing a trick on him,
A cruel, cruel trick.


No, Jonghyun...
It is you who fate was playing a fool.
You are the true victim of fate.


Then what does that make Kibum?
What does that make poor, poor Kibum?


"Kim Jonghyun?" calls a voice quietly.
I cannot see the face of the person to whom the voice belongs.
The lights streaming in from the door into my dark cellar silhouette his body.

At this moment,
I am too lost in my memories
To respond to him.

All I can do is swallow the words I wish to say,
And patiently await his next few words.


"You have a visitor."


And with that,
The figure of the man disappears behind the door,
And another silhouette appears in his place.

This figure...is one that I haven't seen in...in the longest time.
It is the figure...of a woman.


"J...Jonghyun?" a feminine voice calls.

This voice...
I know it...
From somewhere...

Answer her, Jonghyun!
Answer.


"Y...yes...?"


"It's...it's me.
Shin Se Kyung."


Just then,
A familiar thought finds its way into my consciousness,
And I can't help but say:


"It's...it's you.
Isn't it?
It's you."

 

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When I wake up in the morning,
Minho is nowhere to be found.

His bags are still unpacked,
And his clothes are scattered about the room,
And yet there is no Minho in sight.

Where could he have possibly run off to?
What could he possibly have to do at seven thirty in the morning?

As I contemplate this notion,
I walk into the large kitchen,
Where I find Kibum seated alone at the table,
Looking out the window in a dreamy daze.

"Good morning," I say softly as I sit in the unoccupied seat across from him.

He snaps out of his intent stare for only a second to say "good morning" in return.

After a moment of sitting there in utter silence,
I form the courage to to break him out of his trance by asking:

"What are you thinking about?"

"Oh, things.
You...me...Minho...
just things."

"Why are you thinking about Minho? I thought you didn't like thinking about him."

"I don't. That's what makes me so bitter."

"You don't seem bitter to me."

"What a surprise. I thought you of all people would detect my discontent."

"I suppose I mistook it for something deeper."


With those words,
Kibum snaps his head in my direction,
And looks me straight in the eyes.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I didn't mean anything..."

"Are you still resentful of my disliking Minho?"

"I never said that, Kibum..."

"But you implied it, Jonghyun."

"I just don't understand it, Kibum. You've never told me..."

"Yeah, and I don't want to. Okay?"

"Okay. I understand."

And after the exchange,
We sit together in the kitchen,
Willfully permitting the sunshine to scorch our skin from the indoors,
And the silence to surround us
And force us to submit to her strangely pleasant grasp.

 

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"Yes...it's me..." she says slowly, confusedly.

I think the only reason she's talking slowly
Is because the sign above the door clearly reads 'psycho ward.'
Since when have psychos had delayed cognitive abilities?
I don't know, but I don't feel like disputing her actions.
If she feels comfortable degrading me, let her.
I just don't care anymore.


"Why...why do you ask, Jonghyun?" her voice rings out after a slight pause.
I can hear her stepping farther and farther into the room.
She is walking hesitantly.
She is probably fearful that I will lunge at her
And try to the same fate upon her
That I so mercilessly upon Kibum.


"I just...want to know why...," I say looking down at my feet.
As much as I respect her for asserting my innocence,
I can't forgive her for what she did to me -
To Kibum -
To 'us.'


"Why...what, Jonghyun?"


"Why you told them...I wasn't guilty."

 

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After sitting in silence with Kibum for an hour or so,
I decide to try to do something daring and noble -
To make him happy.
To make him smile.

I rise from my chair
And walk over to where he is situated like a statue in his seat.
I playfully begin to run my fingers through his hair,
All the while whispering next to his ear,

"Come on, Kibum. I know you can't stay quiet forever. It's not in your nature."

"You wanna bet?" he replies with a tinge of contentment hidden behind his seemingly aggravated tone of voice.

I then begin to pull on his earlobe in a childish manner
And wrap my hands gently around his neck.

Finally, he averts his gaze in my direction
And, despite himself,
Lets a small laugh escape his lips.

"See? That's better. Didn't you miss laughing like that?"

Kibum turns his entire body so that it is facing mine.
He then laces his fingers around my own,
Looks up into my eyes
And says sweetly and sincerely,

"You're the only person who can make me feel this giddy and free. Do you know that, Jonghyun?"

Hands still tied together,
I lift his body up from the chair,
Wrap my arms lovingly around his waist,
And whisper,

"I'm glad to know that, Kibum.
I'm glad I can do that for you."

"You do that and so much more for me, Jonghyun."


He slowly unlocks his fingers from mine,
Moves his hand up to my face,
Rests it on my cheek,
And admiringly admits,

"You're...you're the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Jonghyun.
I really mean that."


I place my hand on top of his,
Slightly tighten the grip I have on his waist,
Inch my face closer to his,
And say:

"And you're the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Kibum.
You're the greatest thing I have."


And as the two of us prepare ourselves for what is next to come,
For the touching of our lips and bodies,
We are oblivious to the sound of the front door opening
And an unwanted visitor slowly stomping his way into our sanctuary.

 

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"I...I...I didn't do that, Jonghyun."


"What...what do you mean?"


"I never talked to anyone, Jonghyun."


"No. No..."


"I...I'm sorry..." she says anxiously.

I know that my behavior is starting to scare her,
But I can't control myself anymore.
After you lose your judgment
You lose all restraint on your own self.


"But...if it wasn't you...then who...?"


"I don't know, Jonghyun, but..."


"Who would want to see me alive?
Who could possibly want to watch me breath anymore?
What kind of...sick...twisted..."


"Jonghyun! Don't say those things!" she screams in surprise.
She's never been exposed to this sort of logic before,
But if she's going to stay in my cell,
She's going to have to learn to deal with my delusions.
It's as simple as that.


"It's true! You know it's true! Nobody wants me alive! I don't even want myself alive..."


"That's not true, Jonghyun.
I...I want you alive..."


And with those words,
I snap my head
So that I am staring straight in her direction.

She starts to shiver at the sheer intensity of my glare.
And the more she shivers,
The faster I begin to lose control,
Until I am shred of my sanity
And my dear friend irrationality brings her domineering demeanor back into the cell.

 

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I carefully and gently press my lips against his.
I love kissing him like this.
I love showing him how much his love really means to me.

All I ever want to be is tender and loving towards him.

I just want to live the rest of my life like this -
Arms locked,
Lips locked,
Fingers locked,
Hearts locked.

I want our love to stay locked like this.
Kibum will be the key that locks us shut, together,
And I will be the cautious owner of the key,
The one who always hangs it up on the same, familiar hook on the wall
And knows exactly where it is when the time comes to use it.

I want to experience this feeling
For the rest of my life.
His body against mine,
His lips against mine,
His heart next to mine.

Standing here, with him, everything is perfect,
And nothing can ruin the perfection of this moment.


Suddenly, a shrill cry fills the room,
Scaring our comforting silence away from us
And replacing it with the clatter and commotion that comes from outside observers.


"Oh....my...God!"


The cry fills the room so slowly.

Time stops altogether.

I pull away from him in slow motion

Only to find the missing man standing at the kitchen door

With his mouth agape and his face red in embarrassment.


"Minho! It's...it's not what you think..." Kibum gasps...


His words are spoken so...slowly.

Everything is happening as slowly as his words are being said.

Minho turning around and marching to the guest room...

Kibum detaching himself violently from my embrace...

Kibum swiftly following Minho...

Minho pushing Kibum against the wall...

Kibum looking at Minho in genuine fear...

Minho looking at me, then at him, and then yelling at the top of his lungs:


"Leave me alone, you ! You're...you're disgusting."


And after that,
I could hear nothing else
But the sound of the guest bedroom door slamming
And the sound of Kibum sobbing against the wall.


And it hasn't exactly hit me yet that...

Everything...is over.

It's all over now.
 

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"How dare you argue with me! You? Of all people!"


"I...I'm sorry..."


"You should be! Because of you..."


"Oh, don't say it, Jonghyun. Please don't say it..."

Don't say what?
That if you hadn't have barged into our lives,
Kibum wouldn't be dead right now
And I wouldn't be locked in the psycho ward?

you, ! I'll say whatever I want to say!
I'm done with this life and I don't give a damn anymore.
I don't give a damn about you,
Or about the stupid trial,
Or about if I go to heaven or hell after it's all over.
I'm tired of caring.
When you care...
It only sets you up for heart break.

But I suppose that in debating all of these things...
It shows that I do care.


Dammit, I do care.

I care about you and your feelings...
I care about the outcome of the trail...
And I care about my destination after death.
I care about everything.
And that's what hurts the most about all of this -
I still care about everything.


"Shin Se Kyung...please...just...go."


"O...okay, J...Jonghyun."


As she turns around to leave,
I clench my fists into a ball
And try desperately to calm myself down.

I don't want to scare her any more than I already have.


When she reaches the exit,
She lingers at the door frame.

After a few seconds,
She turns to me,
And somehow manages to lock her eyes on my own,
Even though my face is hidden in shadow.


Before she leaves,
She says clearly and unmistakably:


"I...I'm sorry, Jonghyun.
I'm sorry for what I did.
Good luck at your trial, Jonghyun.
I'll be praying for you."


Good bye, Shin Se Kyung.

You have played your part in this cruel scheme of fate.

You can apologize all you want,
But you and I both know that we are destined to go to the same place
Long after our hearts stop beating and our breath falls short.

Oh, just take me now!
Just deliver me from all of this torture!

I'm ready to go -
I'm ready to suffer
Just as I have made him suffer.


Rest in peace, sweet Kibum.

I wish I could hold you one more time before I go,
But, sadly, I cannot.
A demon and an angel are not meant to meet.
It has been that way since the beginning of time,
And damn if the two of us are going to change that now.

Forget me quick, Kibum.


I'm not worth the memories.