Silence.



I hate the silence.



The silence breeds memories,
And the memories breed insanity.



The memories have become so vivid...
So real...
That I can't tell if they're truly a part
Of my fragile reality...

Or is this moment, right here and now, the only true reality I can ever know?



Reality is such a frightening concept, isn't it?
How do I know if I -
Sitting alone in this room,
Arms wrapped across my chest in a harness -
Am truly grasped by the clutches of reality?


What if this is all a hallucination?


What if I am simply dreaming...?

Alone in my room,

Still ten years old,

Mommy hasn't hit me today,

And daddy still crawls home at midnight...



What if I am simply dreaming...?

I am in the not-too-hard but not-too-soft bed of the orphanage,

Sleeping next to the boy with the terrible cough

Who is doomed to pass away before he reaches the age of nine,

Coughing and coughing until the silence has grudgingly retreated,

Simply awaiting the hands of slumber to shut my fluttering eyelids...

 

What if I am simply dreaming...?

Wrapped tightly in the covers of Kibum's guest bed,

Hoping to hear the sound of his rhythmic breathing protrude from the walls,

Hoping that he'll walk into my room either by the force of will or by the force of somnambulism,

Hoping that he'll crawl next to me and whisper to me all of his secrets and all of his hopes,

Hoping that I'll never have to hurt him -

Hoping that I'll never want to hurt him.



Could this all be a dream?

Could the reality I have come to know really be the false passage of time
Brought about by continual insomnia and emotional trauma,
All creating an interconnecting web of nightmares that have felt so real, so genuine,
That I have confused them for reality itself?


How can I know
That this reality I am living
Is true reality itself?


Is this the reality in which I have been destined to live,
Or is this the reality I have chosen for myself?



As I stare at the white wall,
Pondering precariously the very nature of reality,
Voices seep through the soft foam walls.



"Don't say too much to him, Ms.," a voice I have not heard before advises. "It's best if you don't make him think too much."

"Don't worry, sir," a woman's voice assures in reply. "He wouldn't have much to say to me anyway."



These voices...
Are coming from...
Outside of the room.


Does life even exist outside of this room?


I thought I was the only life form left...

That the world beyond these walls was empty and even more quiet...

That I was abandoned and left alone...

That all other human life was sent to a place where it could flourish in eternal happiness...

And I was left to stay on earth,
The only place that could ever be worse than hell itself.


I thought that was my eternal punishment...

I thought that was my reality...


But as I've come to know,
There is no way one can ever know for certain
What is real
And what is not.



I hear the sound of the foam wall opening.
I look down at the ground.

I hear the wall close.
My gaze remains on the ground.


I hear the sound of footsteps, slow and careful, approaching.
I do not look up from the ground.


I hear the sound of breathing, heavy and hastened, uttered.
I don't dare look up from the ground.


I hear the sound of silence, overbearing and unyielding, suffocating.
I wouldn't dare look up from the ground.


After what seems like years,
I hear the sound of footsteps stop close to me,
And I still don't look up from the ground.



"J...Jonghyun...?" a woman's voice calls.

I recognize this voice:
It is the same voice that came from outside the walls.


But...there's something...more to this voice...

This voice is...so...familiar to me...


It is almost as if...I've heard it somewhere before...



Slowly, cautiously, I tilt my head upward,
Averting my gaze from the plain white floor to the face of the woman.
Once my eyes are fixed on her face,
A feeling of disgust overtakes me.



"You!" I growl in aggravation,
"What are YOU doing here?"



It is her:
It is the very woman I have vowed never to contact again -
The woman who robbed me of my childhood innocence -
The woman who robbed me of all hope and optimism for the future -
The woman who yelled into my face that my father would never come back
And then slapped me just to prove her point.


Oh, yes, it is her:
It is my mother.



"Jonghyun, I know we aren't on good terms..."

"Hah! That's putting it a bit mildly, isn't it?" I hiss back to the old woman.



How could she...
How could she even think that I'd want to see her?

How could she think that I would...welcome her,
Willingly allow her to speak in my presence?


I have nothing to say to his woman,
This woman I barely even know.


What could she possibly want with me,
Her son that abandoned her with the bottle at the kitchen table so many years ago?

I haven't heard insomuch as a word of gossip about her in all these years,
And now she suddenly makes a grand appearance upon my final few hours of life?


Who does she think she is
To come visit me
In my final hours?


This strange woman
Is not my mother
And is certainly not my friend.



"Jonghyun...son..."

"I am NOT your son!" I spit at her.



I am not your son.

I never was your son.

I never want to be your son.


How could I ever call you my mother?
You never cared for me -
You never even tried to care for me!
The only thing you cared about
Was your own blisters
And your bottle of booze.


You never even knew I existed in that home.
You never even knew we lived under the same roof!
And even if you did know, you wouldn't have cared.



No, you aren't my mother.

I've lived alone since birth.

So who are you to march in here
And call me your son?


I will not be degraded in this way, foul woman!
You will not make a fool of me.



"Jonghyun, I...I know you don't...want to see me right now..."

"That's a bit of an understatement," I reply harshly, my eyes ripping her flesh apart bit by bit.


"Listen, Jonghyun, I...I just had to come here..."

"Oh, so this is about you?

It is, isn't it?

Well, isn't it?"


"No, Jonghyun, that's...that's not it at all..."

"Oh, let me guess...
You've had trouble sleeping -
You've been tossing and turning all night long because the very day you heard the news
That your son was on trial for murdering the son of South Korea's most admired doctor,
You realized that you never even knew I existed -

You realized that you have been refuting my existence for nineteen years with your conscious mind,
But your unconscious mind has been storing images of my face, patiently awaiting the day it could spite you by revealing each of those images one by one.

Or maybe you've come to me because of a bad omen -
You've gone to get your palm read, have your fortune told, is that it?
You've been told that because you neglected your only son,
You have a spot reserved for you in hell.

And so you've come to me today in order to save your own skin.
Is that it, 'mother'?
Huh?
Is it?"


"No...Jonghyun...no..."

"Then you've come here for a good laugh!
Ah, I knew it!
I knew that you were cruel all along!

You've come here because you can no longer pay your cable bill
And because you don't have any more money to buy your booze with.

You've come here for some cheap entertainment, haven't you?

Well, 'mother,' am I amusing to you?

Am I pleasing you, 'mother'?
Do I make you laugh?
Do I make your lungs want to burst with glee and your heart feel like floating right out of your chest?"


"Jonghyun...stop..."

"Then what is it?
Are you here to scrounge up my last few possessions -
To sell them just so you can pay for your podunk apartment and your poor man's liquor?

Well, I hate to disappoint you, 'mother,' but they've taken all my belongings.
And good damn luck finding them now!

But would you even recognize my belongings as mine anyway?
You don't know a thing about me;
You don't know a thing about me because you never tried to know a thing about me.
So the joke's on you this time, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, the joke's on you this time, 'mother.'

Tell me, 'mom,' what have you been up to all this time I've been away?
Have you been very well enjoying yourself?

How's that job of yours been holding up? You still busting tables at that run-down diner?

Oh, hey, how much have you been drinking lately?
I'll tell ya, I was craving a bottle of gin myself not too long ago, just to drown the sorrows, you know?

Tell me, can you recommend me a good brand of gin?
If I am to get drunk, I must get drunk off a good brand.

Oh, and tell me, 'mother,' how's my father?
How's daddy been doing?

Oh, wait, I forgot.
You don't know.
You don't ing know how my father is doing because he left!
He left AGES ago.

So tell me now, 'mom', how are you holding up without him?
Is life alone everything you've always dreamed it would be?
Does it make you downright satisfied?

I know this is what you've always wanted, 'mom', so you're probably just really ing happy right now.
Well, , 'mom'! Good for you!
That makes one of us merry now, doesn't it?

And when they cut my head off, inject me with some poison to stop my heart beat, electrocute me, or whatever they do to get rid of psychos like me,
You can be even happier,
Because then you can finally know that your burden of a son is gone.

Yes, 'mom', I'll be gone for good,
And then you can finally be alone, just like you've always wanted.

So how about that one, 'mom'?
Does that make you happy?

Because, you know,
I only live to see you happy."



After I speak these words, there is nothing but silence.

The silence is so sad and so heavy...I feel a tinge of regret chip away the stone of my heart.

What on earth have I done?

My mother starts to cry.


She cries heavy, sorrowful tears,
And the noises she makes are heart-wrenching and genuine.


And, in this moment,
I cannot help but admit that
I made a terrible, stupid mistake.

I feel ashamed of myself.



How can this...
How can this be?


My mother...
Cries?


My mother...
Feels?


My mother cries...
In my presence?



Oh, Jonghyun, what have you done?


Your mother is cruel...

Your mother is heartless...

But how could you make her cry?


She doesn't deserve to cry, Jonghyun...


She's already had a difficult life as it is...
One even more difficult than your own...


Why is it, Jonghyun,
That you wanted to make her cry?



"Mother...I...I didn't mean to..."

"No, Jonghyun, no..." she manages to say in between sobs,
"You...you were right.
You were right about everything."


After she says these words,
She continues to cry.

And the silence is drenched
In the sound of her sobs
And in the salt of her tears.


As she cries,
All I can do is watch her.


I watch her in shame,
And I watch her in guilt.

And as I am watching her,
I am regretting the very moment I left her alone ten years ago.



What if I have the story all wrong?
What if she has loved me all this time
And I was the one who neglected her,
Who was blind to her?

What if all this time she has been looking for me,
And I have just remained in the same place,
Hoping that she would never find me again?

What if...
What if I'm the one who's cruel?
The one who's heartless?

What if?



After her tears stop falling,
She sits down limply on the floor
And fixes her gaze so she is looking straight into my eyes -

And, this time,
I welcome her gaze wholeheartedly.



"Jonghyun, I...I had to come here...to see you.
I couldn't...couldn't just let you...let you go...
Without telling you some things first.

I know that...you don't want to listen to me...
But...could you...could you please...find it in your heart...
To give this old woman who...who mistreated you...
A chance to speak her heart...for the last time?"



"The...the last time?
Mother...what...what are you saying...?"



As her eyes stare pitifully into mine,
Tear drops collect on the rims of her eyelids
And roll down her wrinkled, tear-stained cheeks.



"That can wait, Jonghyun.
I didn't come here to...to talk about myself.
I came here to...to make amends with you.
Or at least, that's what I hoped to do.
I can understand if...if you would never forgive a selfish woman like me..."


"No, mother, don't say that.
I...I'll open my heart up to you.
I promise I will."



"Oh, Jonghyun!
You are too good to me!
You have always been too good to me!
When you were young, you would tell me that you loved me every day,
Even though I never told you the same thing in return.

Every morning you would run and kiss me on the cheek,
Even though I had never before kissed yours.

And every night before you went to sleep,
You would say, 'Have sweet dreams, mommy,
So that you can be happy in your sleep.'

And that...those words...had so much power...
Because they came from the mouth of such a young boy.

Oh, Jonghyun! You were so good to me until...
Until your father..."


"I know, mother.
I know."


"No, Jonghyun. You don't know.
You don't know why he left us in the first place.
I never told you because...because I was too...embarrassed...
Too...ashamed...

I was afraid that if you knew, you would...
Loose all the respect you ever had for your mother...

But after what I did to you to compensate for my shame...
I just made you lose respect for me all the more quickly."


"Mother, I cannot lie to you.
I did lose respect for you then.
I hated you and I never wanted to see your face again.

But you've come to me tonight,
And you've mustered up the courage to sincerely apologize to me -
And for that, I have the utmost respect for you
And I will always,

Even on the day I die."


"Oh, Jonghyun!
Your father, he...he left me!
He left me for...for...
For a man!

He had started to have relations with this man after he finished his shift at the factory.
I had wondered why he wouldn't stagger home at ten thirty like usual...
And I had wondered why he always reeked of alcohol and cigars when he finally would stagger through the door...

But never did I imagine that it was because he was...cheating on me...
With a man, for God's sake!


I was so...so...enraged...
Hurt...
Confused...
Emotionally unstable.

I wanted to kill him.
I truly, sincerely, wanted to kill your father.

And every night when I would lie alone and think to myself that your father was now living with another man,
Loving him in the same way, or maybe even more, than he ever loved me...
My desire to kill him would strengthen and multiply.

And...the only way I could suppress it...was to drink more.
When I drank...everything disappeared.

My responsibilities disappeared:
All the bills, the mortgage, my job...all of it was gone.

When I drank, your father disappeared:
I couldn't remember his face; his voice; his smell; his touch.

And when I drank, most importantly of all...
You disappeared.


Oh, Jonghyun! After your father left me, I...I couldn't bear to look at you!
You looked...so much...like him...
You reminded me...so much of him...
And it was like every time you walked into the room, God was mocking me.
He was rubbing in my face the fact that I had an unfaithful husband who thrived upon the idea of infidelity.

And, oh, Jonghyun, it made me so angry!
Your likeness to your father just made me go insane!

And so I drank,
And I drank,
And I drank.

Because everything was right when I drank.


But...on that day...
You had come to me and asked, 'Mother, why are you crying?'
I knew I couldn't hide the truth from you...

But, at the same time, I didn't want you to know the truth...
I didn't want you to have to bear the same shame that I had been forced to bear.

So I replied, 'Daddy is gone, son. Daddy's always been gone. And Daddy hurt Mommy. Oh yes, Daddy hurt Mommy very much this time.'

It's a moment I've replayed in my mind many, many times.
It's a moment that will persist in my memory until the day I meet the grave.


And I...drank so much that...
I could never think rationally about my actions.

I would become so...absorbed...in my fits of passion that...
I never noticed what I was doing to you.

And, Lord, it felt good to hit you!

I'm so terribly sorry and so terribly ashamed to say it but...

It felt so good to hit you.

It felt like I was...accomplishing something...
Like I was...getting my revenge...
Slowly killing the memory of your father that I was forced to harbor after his departure.


But I was caught up in my own hateful wishes,
And I didn't notice the harm I was inflicting upon you.

I didn't notice...until the day you left me.


I found myself...alone.
I was finally alone, just as I had always wanted to be,
And yet, I found no comfort in the silence.

My thoughts raced and the memories of you and your father would play themselves out more vividly and more intensely than they ever had before.

And it was only a few days after you left that I regretted hitting you more than I had ever regretted anything else before.
And I wanted to find you with all of my heart.


But...I could never...find you.
I was so insecure, Jonghyun.

Every time the thought would cross my mind to go search for you,
A voice inside my head would scream, 'No, you idiot! He doesn't want you!
Why would he want to come back to such a vile woman?
You hit him! He hates you.
You never told him you loved him! He hates you.
You never even kissed him goodnight. He definitely hates you.
He would never return to a broken household, to your wrath and your apathy!
He deserves better, and he knows he deserves better.
And you deserve this: the worst.
You deserve to live the rest of your life alone for your poor decisions
And inability to love anyone other than yourself.

He would never come back to you!
You are doomed to live a life of misery and loneliness.'


And that's what I came to believe.

So, eventually, I just...gave up the idea of searching for you.


I thought that...
I was doing you a favor...
By not going to look for you.
 

And soon...just as I had always wanted, had always hoped...
I had come to forget about you.

I forgot your face;
How your voice sounded;
Even what you smelled like.

And only then was I finally alone.


But I hated every minute that I was alone.
I hated it, and I was willing to do anything to feel less lonely.


But now, Jonghyun,
I am seeing your face again!
I am hearing the sound of your voice for the first time after so many years!
And oh, Jonghyun, you have grown up to be such a complicated young man.

I cannot help but blame myself for that; you must have followed in your mother's poor example.

And...you bear an uncanny likeness to your father even to this day.
But...that fact doesn't bother me anymore.

Just being able to see you now -
Being able to see my only son alive,
Being able to stay in the same room with him for more than five minutes -
I feel like I have traveled to another world and back again!


But, Jonghyun, I came here to tell you...
Tell you something more.

Something that...
I've never told you before...

Even though I should have;

Even though you deserved it."



"What is it, mother?
You have my full attention."



"Jonghyun...I want to tell you that...
I...
I love you."


After saying these words,
Tears stream from her eyes once more,
And all she can do is cover her eyes with her hands
And bow her head in shame of herself and of her immaturity.


In seeing her so sorrowful,
Tears stream from my eyes as well,
And I approach my mother slowly.
Once I am by her side,
I place my hand gently on her shoulder,
Letting her know that I am grateful for her words
And that I have forgiven her for everything.



"Mother...
Mommy...
I love you too."



And it is with these words
That we finally, after so many long and painful years,
Embrace each other in an honest hug,
And we just hold each other for what seems like years.

As I feel my mother's body heat
And she feels mine,
I feel that we have finally been reunited,
Connected and strengthened in love,
Just as we had always honestly hoped to be. 


And it is in this moment
That I have finally become her son.



"Thank you, mother," I say softly as I remain in her arms.

Neither of us want to break this hug,
Because both of us feel that if we let go,
We will lose each other
And the mutual love we have finally come to share.


"Oh, son! I am so sorry that the first time you heard me express my heart
Had to be on the day of your merciless death.


I...I tried to save you...


I called the police myself
And I told them,
'Dear officers, you are greatly mistaken!
That boy, Kim Jonghyun, he is not the one to blame!

I have had a dream in which the good Lord came to me
And told me that Jonghyun was not to blame.

He said that Jonghyun was merely pushed into a crime that could have been avoided
And that he does not deserve to die such a cruel death.

Please, officers, you must adhere to the word of God!

Investigate further, I beg of you!

For if God says he is not to blame,
Then it certainly must be true!'"



"Mother...
It...it was you?
You were the merciful woman that wished to save me?"



In this moment,
I cannot help but laugh a full, heart-felt laugh.

To think I thought it was Shin Se Kyung,
Caught up in her guilt and in her mourning,
Who told the sheriff to investigate my case further!

Never did I think...
Never would I have ever thought...
That it would be my mother who would watch out for my life.


I am so...moved by her sincerity...
So...touched by her kindness...
And now I know, I irrefutably know,
That she loves me just as much as I had always hoped she would.

And now,
The thought of dying will no longer bring me grief,
For now I know that I have someone below me who will love me even in my passing.

And that is the only thing I could have ever asked for.



"Oh, mother!
Thank you!
I love you more today
Than I have ever loved anything or anyone throughout my lifetime.
I thank you with all of my heart!"


But as we embrace each other,
Absorbed in a mutual feeling of comfort and euphoria,
My mother suddenly sobs, more and more tirelessly,
And she shouts up to the Lord above:


"Oh, God!
Oh, Jonghyun!
Oh, my heart, my soul, my life!
My life is going to be taken as well as yours!

I don't know when, and I don't know where or by whom,
But my life is now hanging by a thread and I will die at the hands of greed and misfortune!


Oh, Jonghyun!
I have lived a life of sin,
And no amount of penance could ever hope to save a sinner like me!


I got all of my booze from a supplier,
From a murderer and a thug well known for his ability to manipulate and steal.

I couldn't afford to buy it from the store and...
I just...needed it...so badly...

To forget about your father...to forget about you...

And he was the only way I could ever hope to get it.


So I made a deal with the devil,
And in exchange for the booze,
I...I...I would give him...myself...
For...ual favors.

And I am ashamed to say it, Jonghyun!
I am ashamed with myself for ever resorting to measures so low and so vile!
But it is the truth, and I'm tired of my own son not knowing the truth!


But he became tired of me...
And I no longer satisfied his desires...
So he...he demanded I pay him for every bottle he ever supplied me with...
And the amount he demanded I pay
Was far too high for me to ever hope to pay.

He told me I had a week to get the money and that if I didn't...I would be sorry.


One week passed yesterday, Jonghyun,
And I was unable to get the money.

God knows I tried!
I did everything I could...

But I...I couldn't...
And now...


Oh, God, Jonghyun!
He's going to kill me!
He's going to find me and he's going to kill me!"



As my mother sobs her tears of desperation,
I cannot help but cry along with her.


How could she have ever thought to do something so perilous?

Was my memory really that much of a nuisance to her
That she would think about making deals so dangerous
To rid herself of all traces of my face?


But then again, Jonghyun,
Your mother is no different from yourself.

You both went to desperate measures
To rid yourselves of the memories of the ones you loved,
And now, you both must face the consequences.


But now that my mother is...
Now that she will be...
Who is going to love me and miss me after my passing?
Who is going to carry my memory and wish for my well being in death?


I...I will be...alone.
I will be doomed...to be alone...forever.


Oh, God, no!
I don't want to be alone!
Please! I don't want to be alone!

Don't make me be alone - please!

I'll...I'll do anything you ask!
Just please...I don't want to be alone anymore!


I don't want to be alone!


And soon, without my realizing it,
I am sobbing with my head resting upon my mother's shoulders,
Whimpering softly, like a child in the middle of a terrible nightmare:

"I don't want to be alone; I don't want to be alone."


And all my mother can do is hold my head in her hand and whisper in my ear:
"I know, son, I know.
It'll all be okay."



And it is only after the warden comes into the room
And asks my mother to leave,

And she slides her shoulder out from under my head
And caresses my cheeks for the last time,

After she kisses my forehead
And apologizes to me once more,

After she assures me of how much she loves me
And begs me to remain strong in my final hours,
Just as she will be trying so desperately to do as well,

After she slowly leaves me, broken and alone
In the corner of the room with no door and no windows
To become one with my unconscious mind again...

That I come to realize something I have never realized before:



If I am so miserable...
More afraid of my memories of him than of my sentence to death...
Constantly being plagued by his memory,
Hearing his voice behind my ears
And feeling his hands wrap around my neck...

And now my mother is forced to suffer the same fate as I...
My mother, the only person left on this earth who truly cares for me...

Then...Kibum has done it.


Kibum has had his revenge.

And, oh, how powerful is his revenge!


To think that he could instill fear, create chaos, provoke insanity,
All with the power of the mind and not by force!


Kibum has come to understand something in death that you have not yet come to understand:
The mind truly holds more power than the body.


And now, Kibum has rid your mind of all the good thoughts you once held dear
And replaced them with only more nightmares.

And, in doing so,
Kibum has finally had his perfect revenge.


And all you can do now
Is wait -
Lying and suffering like a dying animal,
Begging that he, the stronger of the two chaoses, will release his hold on you
And give you just a few precious moments of sweet relief.


But you did not relieve him when you were at the top, Jonghyun,
And now, for your insensitivity and insolence,

You must suffer as he did ten times over.



The power of the mind
Is truly stronger
Than the power of the body.


And Kibum is going to kill you with this knowledge.


And, once and for all,
Kibum will finally have his revenge.