" I loved him.
I told him I loved him,
And he told me that he loved me back.

Therefore, I assumed that we both loved each other.

The days passed by blissfully when we were together.
We would spend hours together during the day,
And, sometimes, late at night,
He would sneak into my room,
Wake me from my slumber,
And talk to me until the early hours of the morning.

I liked living like this.
I liked having Kibum near me so often.
It was...reassuring...
It was...rejuvenating.

Yes, I loved having him near me.

Three months passed us by and we were still inseparable.
Another two months passed us by and we were still craving each others' presence and detesting each others' absence.
It was when we entered our sixth month of being...

Well... of being...

I honestly don't know how to describe what our relationship was.
We never said we were 'together' or anything...
We just...never thought it needed to be stated.
We just assumed that both of us knew.

And that night...
I wasn't entirely sure if Kibum knew...
And I wasn't sure what place I held in his heart.

That was the night he received a call from his step-mother.
He had not heard from his step mother since the day she called to remind him of his obligation to his medical studies...

But that night, just as he finished his final class of the night...she called him.
She told him that, soon, he would be visited by an unwanted guest:
By her son,
Choi Minho.

She told him that Minho needed a place to live temporarily while she was away.

Kibum asked where she was going, and she just answered 'abroad.'

Kibum asked where she got the money to go 'abroad', and she simply stated that she had saved it.

But Kibum knew where the money really came from:
Straight from his father's will.

The thought of his step-mother using his father...
Manipulating his instability and feelings of guilt...
Made him sick to his very core.

 

That was the night that Kibum first came home late.

He had always been home by eleven o'clock at night...
But that night, I stared at the clock anxiously as its hands continued to move...
Past eleven...
Past twelve...
On to one o'clock.

I was worried for him.

I tried calling his cell phone, but he didn't pick up.

I was scared for him.

I was afraid...that something terrible had happened...

But I was too scared to call the police.

I knew that Kibum was strong and that he could handle himself...

But I was just...so...worried.


He finally stumbled through the door at quarter to two.
He wreaked of alcohol and cigars.
He had been drinking -
Drinking heavily.


'Kibum! There you are!' I shouted as I ran closer to the dizzy boy standing in the doorway, 'I was worried sick!'

'J...Jong...hyun...' Kibum shakily whispered as he braced his body against the door.

The world must have been spinning around Kibum,
For as he tried to move away from the door,
He flailed his limbs about and tried to grasp on to the air for support.

He found support in my arms.

I helped him walk to his room,
All the while giving him the support he needed to keep sight of reality.

When we reached his room, I helped him sit upright on his bed.


'How much did you drink, Kibum?' I asked him as I placed the back of my hand to his forehead.

'Don't know,' he answered, grabbing the hand on his forehead and moving it to his chest.

'Do you even know how scared I was for you?' I asked a little too harshly as I tried to pull my hand away from his grasp.

'I'm sorry J..Jong...' he said as he tightened his grip on my hand, 'I...I didn't mean to...'

'Why, Kibum? Why...why did you do this?'

'Because...because he's...he's coming...'

'Who? Who's coming?'

'Minho. Minho's coming.'

'What...what do you mean?'


'She called me, Jonghyun!' Kibum exclaimed crazedly as he started squirming on the bed,
'Why did she have to call me? That called me...and she said...she said that Minho's coming...and he's staying here.
Why the does he have to stay here? I don't want...I don't want that...that...bastard in my house!'

And with that, Kibum abruptly jumped up from the bed,
Made his way to his dresser,
And pushed everything resting on top of it onto the floor.


'Kibum, what the hell was that for?'

'Shut up, Jonghyun! Just...shut up!' Kibum shouted as he tried to tip the dresser over.

'Stop it, Kibum!' I yelled as I rushed over to his side and pushed him away from the dresser.

Being the drunken mess he was, Kibum was unable to regain his balance,
And he fell hard on the floor.


'Kibum!' I screamed as I rushed to his side and helped him up, 'I...I didn't mean to...'

But before I could finish  my sentence, I was pushed onto the bed.

He quickly got on the bed,
Put his body on top of mine,
And pinned my wrists down to the mattress.


'K-K-Kibum...' I stuttered, terrified, 'What are you...what are you doing?'

'I love you, Jjong,' Kibum whispered as he roughly placed his lips on top of mine.

I had never kissed him like that before,
And I was absolutely afraid of the sensations I was feeling.

I hated kissing him like that,
And I never wanted to kiss him like that again.

Before I knew it, Kibum was...
Lifting up my shirt...
And reaching for my belt buckle...


'Kibum...what are you...?'

'Shhhhh...' Kibum hushed as he started fiddling with my belt, 'Jonghyun, relax...'

'I...I can't...' I answered helplessly as tears began to form in the corners of my eyes, 'I...I don't like this...'

'Please, Jonghyun,' Kibum begged lustfully as he yanked my belt out of the loops of my pants, 'Just once...'

'No, Kibum...' I detested quietly as he ped my zipper, 'No, Kibum...no...'


Kibum violently shoved his lips on top of mine once again.
He started moving his hands all over my chest
As he continued to dominate my mouth.

And...
Without realizing it...
I had started .

I was in pain...
And, worse -
I was in pleasure.

And then...
Suddenly...
He moved his hand down my chest
And rested it on top of my pants.


'No, Kibum...no...' I whined, trying my hardest to regain my strength and hide my tears.

'Why not, Jonghyun? Don't you love me?' he asked as he slid his other hand down my chest.

'I do love you, Kibum...' I replied in defeat.

I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to break his heart.

I didn't want to break his heart
In the same way he was breaking mine.


'Then...what's the problem?' he whispered in my ear in a dangerously smooth pitch.

In that moment...
I didn't love Kim Kibum.
In fact, I hated him.

I hated him.
 

I never thought that I would ever hate him...
But in that moment...
I did.

I hated him more than words could express.


'Kibum...get...get off of me!' I shouted suddenly, frantically.

I don't know where that burst of bravery came from...
But it came at just the right moment.


Everything happened so quickly...

Me pushing him;
Him losing his hold on my wrists;
Him falling off the edge of the bed;
Me trying to grab his wrists to stop his fall;
Him hitting his head on the floor;
Me regretting what I had just done.


'Kibum!' I exclaimed as I tried to pick him up off the floor.

He started thrashing and hitting me.


'Go away, Jonghyun! Do you hear me? Go away! I hate you!'

His words broke my heart.
Even though I knew that he probably had no idea what he was saying
And that he probably wouldn't remember what he had said after he woke up later on,
His words pierced my heart like a thousand daggers.
His harsh words penetrated my skin,
Jerked my tear ducts,
And broke my heart.

Sometimes, often times,
No matter what state you're in,
Once you have said something,
It can never be forgotten
By the person to whom you were speaking.

I'd like you to remember that.

Remember it well,
For it is very true.

I, to this day, have not forgotten the words Kibum said to me,
And I don't think I ever will.


'But...you...I...but...'

'God, would you just get out of here?' Kibum shrieked as he picked his pillow up off the bed and threw it in my face,
'I hate you! I ing hate you!'


The worst part about all of this was...
I felt...guilty -
Guilty for not letting him have his way with me.

I felt...
Like I had betrayed him.

I wanted to apologize for letting him down,
But...the tears were falling too fast...
And...my mind wasn't working properly...

I just couldn't form the words.

And so I left;
I left him alone in his room.

I went to my own room,
Where I layed down on my bed
And closed my eyes -
Alone.

And I just let the tears fall
As the feeling of guilt overcame my tired physique
And my eyelids became heavy with sleep.



I woke twelve hours later.
I left my room
Only to find him sitting at the kitchen table.

'Jonghyun? Are you alright? You look terrible,' he said concernedly as he stood up from his chair and walked closer to me.
He put his hand on my cheek.
I moved my face away
So that his hand just hung limply in mid air,
And I was away from his sinful touch.


'What's...what's wrong?' he asked me, confusion taking over his entire countenance.

Did he really forget everything he did?
How could he have forgotten?
I certainly didn't forget -
I couldn't forget -
And I never would forget.

I couldn't answer him.
I didn't know how to answer him.
He didn't seem like the same Kibum I once knew.
He seemed...different.
And I wasn't sure if I liked the new Kibum.


'Jonghyun, answer me...please...' he begged as he took a step closer to me,
'What...what's wrong?'

I looked into his eyes.
That's all I could do.
And in his eyes, I saw something...
Something that took my breath away and made me stagger backwards.

I saw concern -
Genuine concern.

I was confused by this.
How could he be concerned for me...
When he was the one to blame for putting me in such an unstable state?

As I stood and looked at him,
I couldn't help but think of how he was before:
Demanding...
Domineering...
Invasive.

He...he didn't care about me.
He just wanted...to use me.
 

I couldn't help but think...
That I was nothing to him -
That I was never anything to him.

I felt sorry
For wasting his time
And my own time
Pretending that we had something
That we never had to begin with.


'Jonghyun, please tell me what's wrong. Please. I...I'll do anything...to make it better...'

I wanted to believe him.
I wanted so desperately to believe him.
But he...he wasn't the same Kibum I knew before.

He was...different.
I couldn't...let myself...get hurt...again.
I knew I sounded selfish,
But I couldn't torture myself any longer.


'Was it...was it something I did? What did I do, Jonghyun?
What did I do?'

He really didn't remember.
I couldn't believe that he really didn't remember.

How could you be like that, Kibum?
How could you do that to me?


'It was me, wasn't it? Oh, Jonghyun! Whatever I did...whatever I said...I didn't mean it! I...I wasn't thinking clearly. You've got to believe me!
I...I love you, Jonghyun...'

That's what you said, Kibum.
That's what you said.
But how was I supposed to know if that was true?

I...I loved you, Kibum...
But...I couldn't take any more heartbreak.
I just couldn't.

I wasn't...
Strong enough.


'I...I believe you, Kibum.'

'Oh, Jonghyun! I thought you hated me! Please don't hate me, Jonghyun! Don't ever hate me. You're...you're the best thing I have...'

And with those words,
He trapped me in his embrace.

And...
I couldn't help but think...
Of how he trapped me...
Only a few hours before.


'You're...the best thing I have too, Kibum.'


Why couldn't I just forget about it?
Why couldn't I forget?
Why did I have to harbor those feelings,
That hatred for him?
How could I have loved and hated a person at the same time?


'Well, I should be going. I'll...miss you, Jonghyun,' he said as he tried to kiss my lips,
But I moved away before he could seize the opportunity.

I...wasn't ready to feel his lips then.
The way I saw it,
His lips were still...sinful...lustful...


'I'll miss you too, Kibum,' I said as I walked out of his embrace.

He stood in the middle of the kitchen for a few seconds
And just looked into my eyes.

I looked back into his,
And we just stood there for what seemed like years.

We let the silence around us
Consume all that we were
And all that we ever would be -
Together.

After the silence had had its fill,
He slowly turned around
And left the room.

He left me standing there -
Alone -
At the outstretched hands of the quiet,
And at the disposal of my delusions.

And the moment I heard the front door close,
I fell to the kitchen floor
And released the tears I had been holding back for so long.

I wanted to love Kibum.
I wasn't ready to let him go.

And so I lied to myself...
I told myself that everything would be alright if I just pretended...

But everything wasn't alright.
I just ended up hurting myself.

And in hurting myself...
I hurt him.

I hurt him in the worst way imaginable:
By taking his life. "