Nineteen.
Angel In Disguise
Kibum went back to medical school.
He didn't tell me was going back,
But he did all the same.
When the news reached his step-mother,
He received a phone call full of praise and admiration -
Praise and admiration for her most 'special' son.
Minho was never in the picture,
Yet he filled up the entire frame.
He didn't tell me was going back,
But he did all the same.
When the news reached his step-mother,
He received a phone call full of praise and admiration -
Praise and admiration for her most 'special' son.
Minho was never in the picture,
Yet he filled up the entire frame.
Kibum stopped looking at me.
He stopped making physical contact with me.
Any time I would come close to him,
He would get up and move farther away from me,
Or he would push himself gently out of my hold and retire to his bedroom in silence.
Soon I forgot what his lips tasted like;
What his skin felt like against my finger tips;
How brightly his eyes sparkled under the light of the moon.
I forgot what his voice sounded like;
What the color of his hair was;
Even his name started to sound foreign to my ears.
What the color of his hair was;
Even his name started to sound foreign to my ears.
Kibum was becoming a stranger to me,
Yet his memory refused to leave me be.
Every night he would invade my dreams,
And every day he was away from the apartment,
I would be teased with visions of his elegance protruding from the walls,
Confusing me as to if I was asleep or awake,
Dead or alive.
And the more I dreamed about him,
The more I allowed myself to reminisce on the days of our passion and desire.
The more I realized I was deeply in love with him.
I was deeply in love
With a figment of my imagination.
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"Kim Jonghyun? Kim Jonghyun? Please answer me..." the judge practically pleads as he watches me helplessly fight the hands of fate.
This poor fool.
If only he knew what it was like to live in fear,
To live in regret,
To live in solitude,
Until everything around you turns into nothingness,
And soon you can't even tell
If you're living in the real world
Or just some erratic fantasy
Created spontaneously by your subconscious mind,
Desperately trying to hide your true feelings,
Desperately trying to keep you from holding your breath
Just to stop your heartbeat.
If only he knew.
"Your Honor, I killed him.
Do you not understand what I'm telling you?
I killed him.
I stabbed him myself,
And I laughed as I did it.
And the moment I was finished,
I was so proud of myself
That I mockingly tasted his blood,
And it burned the roof of my mouth,
But I didn't care because what I had done was great -
What I had done made all the thoughts stop.
But the thoughts are back, Your Honor.
They've all come back,
And now...
I just...
I don't know what to do anymore..."
"It's alright, son, just let me handle this..." my lawyer says quickly, placing his hand on my shoulder, expelling weak attempts to console me by whatever means necessary.
"Kim Jonghyun, you're failing to answer the most crucial question we have asked," the Kim family's lawyer, Mr. Shim, states, slamming his fists down on the long wooden table in an attempt to stop the babbling prospectors that surround us.
"Why did you kill him?
Why did you do it?"
Just as the words spoken are processed in my mind,
I see her at the corner of my eye.
I see her staring concernedly in my direction,
A single tear drop rolling down her cheek,
Mascara slightly running,
Eyes ablaze with guilt and confusion.
I slowly turn my body to face her,
And once her eyes are locked with mine,
I lift my finger and say:
"Her. It's her. She's the reason I did it.
That girl right there...she's the cause of all this!"
But right after I say these words,
I remember her accomplice in this twisted tragedy:
The mastermind,
The devil's advocate,
Fate's faithful instrument.
"And it's him!" I shout as I point my finger at the man sitting in the prosecution section -
The man with the satisfied scowl so carefully sketched upon his face -
The one who feigned the feeling of sadness -
The one who ruined everything we had -
"It's him! It's Choi Minho! He's to blame!
He's to blame for everything!"
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Kibum came home later and later night after night.
At first he came home at eleven o'clock sharp,
But time soon sped up for him
And almost ceased to exist for me.
He would come home exhausted:
Hair messy,
Body lifeless and drained,
Shoes untied, shirt untucked,
Dark circles forming under his eyes,
And voice silenced from his ever-apparent fatigue.
And night after night,
I would wonder why he came home in this state.
Night after night,
I would watch him crawl off to his bedroom,
Practically collapsing on the floor before reaching the doorknob.
Night after night,
I would wish I was with him.
But it was then that I thought that if I fell asleep,
I could be with him.
I could be with him again
And we could go back to living
Just as we had before.
And so as he lost sleep,
I gained it.
I spent the majority of my days sleeping
Only to awake in the early morning to await his return,
And once he had slumped his way into his bedroom,
I would fall back asleep
And enjoy the dreams one by one as if they were the embodiments of reality itself.
I did this
Until the day I saw it -
The day I saw the message.
Kibum had left his phone at home.
He had forgotten about it due to his lack of sleep;
He had just left it there, sitting on the kitchen counter.
Just as I was going to go down for my ritual resting,
I heard the phone vibrate on the counter,
And, despite my better judgment,
I decided to check the phone myself.
It was a text message.
The screen of the phone flashed the words 'one new message.'
I took the liberty to open that message.
I opened the message, and what I found were the words:
'Hey baby, see you tonight?'
And at the bottom of the screen was that name -
Her name:
Shin Se Kyung.
And it was then that I knew -
Kibum didn't talk to me anymore,
Didn't touch me anymore,
Didn't look at me anymore...
Because he loved someone else.
He replaced me with someone else -
With someone better.
'Of course he would do this', I thought to myself,
'How could you even think he would stay with someone like you?
How could you have let yourself think that maybe, just maybe,
Someone like him could...could love someone...someone like you.
You're so stupid, Jonghyun!
You're just so goddamn stupid!'
And soon...
My thoughts got the better of me...
And I could no longer control myself...
I could no longer...tell if what I was seeing before me
Was really there or if it was just an illusion,
A trick of the mind.
'It was all out of pity, Jonghyun.
He only kissed you, only touched you, only said he loved you
Because he felt sorry for you.
He felt sorry for the poor, uneducated orphan boy,
And only pretended to love him so as not to break his heart.
Well, Kibum, I don't need your pity.
I've never needed your pity.
How could it be...
Everything we were...
Everything we said we would ever be...
It was all a lie.
Everything was a lie.
The warmth of your touch;
The sweetness of your lips;
The beating of your heart...
The warmth of your touch;
The sweetness of your lips;
The beating of your heart...
All of it was an act.
Oh, you're good, Kibum.
You really had me going, you know.
You've played me a fool for long enough, Kibum!
I...I won't let you get away with this.
I'm going to make you pay.
Do you hear that, Kibum?
You can't hurt me anymore,
And I'm going to make you pay for all the pain you've caused.'
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"Don't do this, son," my lawyer asserts firmly while attempting to sit me back down in my seat. "You're ruining your chances of winning this case."
"I don't care about winning anymore!" I yell back into his face - eyes wild with anger, body trembling in exhaustion and disgust, veins popping out of my neck in intense passion.
"I only care about the truth! I'm here to tell the truth and to get it over with so I can finally be at peace!
I'm tired of the lies.
I'm tired of pretending to be alright when, in reality, I'm slipping farther and farther down a dark hole of confusion and insanity.
I'm tired of the insomnia, and I'm tired of the reminiscences.
I just want to be at peace!
It's about time I do something for myself, because my whole life has been nothing but trying to please others and wallowing in great self-discontentment if I decided that I had failed to do so.
Now it's time for me to have my day in the sun.
It's time for me to finally experience the internal peace of which everyone so carelessly takes advantage.
So don't try to stop me from telling the truth, Mr. Kim.
I'm tired of your bull and I'm ready to get what I want for once."
And with these words,
Mr. Kim sits back down in his chair, silenced and slumped over in defeat.
And with that,
I turn to face the judge, who is wearing an expression of utter disbelief, practically shaking in his seat either out of anger or out of fear.
It is difficult for me to distinguish between the two at this point in my life.
Before anyone else can cut me off and ruin my chances of speaking the words that must be heard,
I close my eyes so as to rid off any runaway mental projections that are patiently waiting to cloud my vision; clench my fists tightly; and hoarsely yell to the members of the jury:
"It was his fault! It was all Choi Minho's fault!
Don't you see? If he hadn't have come into the picture...
If he had just left us alone...
Kibum would have never had those thoughts...
He would have never wanted to be something different!
He was happy being himself. He was always happy being himself. And he could always be himself around me.
But as soon as Minho came into the picture,
Calling him a and threatening to tell his of a mother about the true identity of her peerless god of a step-son,
Kibum changed.
He changed himself unwillingly and unhappily because he knew that if he didn't,
His life would become a living hell, constantly monitored and controlled by the two dastardly demons who only live to make sure that their lives will be prosperous, even if it means having to see others' lives in ruins.
Yes, it was Choi Minho who made the Kibum I once knew, once loved,
Turn away from me completely, as if I was some sort of biblical plague or fatal epidemic.
He didn't talk to me...
He didn't look at me...
It almost seemed as if he forgot I existed.
And we lived our lives like that for months - him ignoring me, and me hoping that, some day soon, he'd turn and look at me and remember what we had and run into my arms and beg for my forgiveness...
And for us to live our lives like we had since that fateful day we met on the streets.
But that never happened.
Instead, I discovered that Kibum had been...with someone else.
All that time...all that time I was hoping, wishing, waiting for his return, he was...fooling around with someone else...loving someone else.
And that was her!
That was that damned Shin Se Kyung!
Her, right there!
The traitor.
The tramp.
Kibum went to her out of fear,
Out of an unhealthy obsession to please his family so as not to face any undesirable consequences.
Kibum went to her, and completely forgot about me.
He completely disregarded me as nothing but a household appliance or some sort of decoration that was given to him by his great grandmother and that looked so dusty and decrepit that it should be either thrown into the garbage can or sent away to some museum where it would be seen by others, but never seen by him again.
That is what became of me.
That is what became of Kibum and I.
And I just...I couldn't let him go that easily.
I just couldn't let him get away with...breaking my heart and leaving me alone.
It was my blind rage...
My unstable mind...
That drove me to the point of madness
And inspired me to do what I have done.
And none of these feelings would have even existed in the first place
If it hadn't have been for Choi Minho.
He's as much to blame for everything as I am,
And that is the truth."
After I finish my long account, re-open my eyes, and unclench my fists,
Everyone in the court room is looking at me intently, mouths agape, eyes wide and faces pale -
Everyone except one person:
Choi Minho.
He is wearing an expression of obvious hatred, eyes murderously alight with anger and frustration.
All this time he has been seen as an ethereal being, a perfect suitor and gentleman,
But now he knows that people will no longer look at him in that way, but rather as he really is:
A cold hearted monster,
Much like myself.
His mask has finally been torn from his face,
And he is now standing exposed to the real world and its harsh judgments.
"Choi Minho," the judge asks as he turns in his direction,
"Is there anything you have to say to the court?"
And I swear that just before Minho starts to speak,
He flashes a smile in my direction.
How can this...
How can he...
How dare he smile at me! How dare he!
One thing's for sure...
Minho is right back up to his old games.
I guess it's true what they say then:
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
"Your Honor, I don't see why I have any part in this case.
You see, sir, it was not I who made the irrational choice to murder my step-brother.
And, in my defense, Your Honor, Kim Jonghyun is blowing my actions far out of proportion.
You see, I simply was looking out for my brother's best interest.
You and I know very well that the life of a homoual in Seoul is one of constant rejection and turmoil.
I just didn't want to see my brother get hurt by others.
He was always a fragile soul, and I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing his heart break so easily..."
"Liar!" I scream from my post, interrupting him before he can tell another one of his masterfully crafted lies.
"You broke his heart by taking me away from him! Don't you understand that?
He cried to me...he told me...how much he hated you for making him feel that way...
Confused...outcasted..."
"Jonghyun, if I may," Minho interjects politely, sweetly, causing bile to build up in my throat and my face to turn red in frustration,
"I never took him away from you; it was his own decision to leave you behind.
Kibum understood that if he continued to live as he had before, he would never be treated as fairly and respectfully as he deserved to be treated.
I never told him to leave you. I never told him..."
"You're lying! You're lying again!
You told him that if he didn't leave me and get himself a girlfriend, you would tell the one person he feared above all else: your mother.
You said that if he stayed with me, you'd tell her and everyone would frown upon the choice he made and lose all respect for him!
And you and I both know that Kibum hated knowing that he was letting other people down, even if it meant that he had to rid himself of his own happiness along the way.
You knew that very well, Minho, and you took advantage of that knowledge to get your brother to do exactly what it was you, and your mother, wanted."
"Jonghyun...why are you like this?" Minho asks in surprise, swiftly moving his hand to cover his mouth in disbelief as artfully as a world-renowned actor would standing atop a theater stage.
"Why are you trying to frame me, Jonghyun?
I...I was only looking out for my brother...
I just...didn't want him to get hurt...
Why are you trying to put all the blame on me...?"
And after he says these words,
Minho starts to cry.
Minho starts to cry rehearsed tears of woe and agony.
And all the people in the court room fall for his beautifully constructed act.
Oh, that bastard!
He has them all eating out of the palm of his hand.
"Stop this right now, Minho!
Stop the act! Nobody is going to believe..."
"Jonghyun...why...?
Why would you try to get me into trouble just to save yourself?
I...I didn't think you were like that..."
After he says this,
The members of the jury gasp and talk among themselves.
'It all makes sense now! That Kim Jonghyun really is heartless...'
'How could anyone blame innocent Choi Minho? He would never do such a thing...'
'That Kim boy really is something else! He deserves to be punished...'
'How could anyone blame innocent Choi Minho? He would never do such a thing...'
'That Kim boy really is something else! He deserves to be punished...'
After hearing the words of the jury, I come to know the truth:
The case is finally over.
The case is over and Minho has won;
The case is over and I have lost.
So, without saying a word,
I slam my fist down on the table,
Flash one last glare to the great pretender, Choi Minho,
And swiftly stride to the large mahogany door to make my leave once and for all.
And no sooner do I reach the doorknob,
I am stopped by the police officers and forcefully thrown against the wall,
Where I am wrapped in a straight jacket and prepared to live the remainder of my days in isolation.
And while the restrictions on the jacket are being tightened,
The police chief comes to my side, pulls out his gun, and points it in my direction,
Just as he had done before the day he first interrogated me.
He quietly yet clearly says to me:
"I knew it was you from the start, kid.
I knew you were nothing but a monster."
As I am shoved out the door like a worthless rag doll,
I unmistakably discern the sound of prideful laughter above all the ruckus and loud voices inside the court room.
I recognize that laughter instantly.
It is Choi Minho.
He is laughing because he is proud of his great accomplishment
And because he knows that he is finally going to be rid of me and my annoying outbreaks once and for all.
Well dammit, Choi Minho.
You win.
Are you happy now?
You win.
And if this is what living in the real world is truly like,
I'm glad that I'll be leaving soon.
Hell is always made out to be a place of unrest and holistic horror,
But even that sounds more pleasant to me than life on this earth - life amongst people who only care for themselves and only live to see those less fortunate than themselves continue to fail and beg beneath their feet.
Damn if I'm not glad I lost this case!
I'm ready to get myself out of this place once and for all.
So what are you waiting for, God?
Just take me now!
Just as I took him without his concent,
Take me away,
So I can live the rest of my life in precious peace and punishment.
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