"So...let me get this straight..." the lawyer begins as he starts to jot down notes on a pad of paper,
"You murdered your...your lover...Kim Kibum...because of this...this incident?"

"That...that's right, sir."

"Hmmm..." the lawyer mumbles as he places the tip of his ink pen on his tongue, "I suppose this could constitute a sufficient argument against the prosecution. Yes, I think I can work with this just fine.
Is there anything else you wish to tell me, son?"


Yes.
How about...
The truth?
You know,
The real reason why.


"No, sir. Nothing."

"Excellent. Alright, son, I'll be on my way.
Get plenty of rest, you hear?
Just leave everything to me.
I'll save your skin - don't you worry about that.
Just leave everything to me and you'll be alright;
You'll be safe."

And with these words, the lawyer picks his elderly body up off the floor, grabs his brief case, tucks his file under his arm, and makes his way to the door.

"Th...Thank you, sir," I say humbly as I bow to the lawyer.

"Don't mention it, son. Now, get some rest, alright?"

And with that, the lawyer opens the door, winks in my direction, and quietly exits the room, letting the door slam shut on its own behind him.


What are you doing, Jonghyun?
Why are you lying to him?
I thought you were going to tell the truth this time.
Why is it so difficult for you to tell the truth?

Is what you believe the truth to be even really the truth?
How do you know what the truth is, Jonghyun?
How could you possibly know?
Your mortal mind couldn't possibly be able to determine
What is truthful from what is untruthful.

How do you know you're not already telling the truth?

Because your heart says you aren't;
Your heart knows you're lying.
Your mind can play tricks on you all it wants, Jonghyun,
But your heart will never lie to you;
It will never lead you astray.
As long as your heart is still beating in your chest,
You will always walk down the path of righteousness;
You will always be able to battle uncertainty
And find truths hidden deep within the darkness of the world.
Of that you can be sure.

"Get some rest," he said. He told you to get some rest, Jonghyun.
But how on earth can you sleep?
How could you possibly sleep knowing that your future - your life itself - will be in the hands of someone else in less than forty eight hours?
This is no time for rest, Jonghyun.
You...you've got to think...

But psychos can't think, remember?
The police chief said that psychos can't think.
And you are a psycho...

Stop it, Jonghyun.
Just...just stop it!
This kind of talk will get you nowhere.
Please, for once,
Just cast away outside opinions.
They don't matter.
Don't you see?
They don't matter.

Now, think.
Remember.


I close my eyes,
Lean my head back against the wall,
And surrender all conscious thought to the
Harrowing grip of my unconscious mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 

When Kibum returns from school,
He finds me standing next to the large window overlooking the park.

Oh, how I despise that window.

It reminds me of the first night I stayed in the apartment;
It reminds me of how he stood next to me,
And I stood next to him -
How we stood next to each other -
And just stared out the window for what seemed like hours.
It reminds me of how...how happy I was standing next to him.

That feeling was there at the time -
That feeling of untouchable uncertainty and emancipating excitement that comes with...
Falling in love.
At the time, the feeling was there.
It was covering every crevice;
It was dancing on our fingertips
And wrapping itself around our bodies.

But now the feeling has disappeared;
It has gone some place far away.
And now, there is nothing but emptiness between us -
Just a barren wasteland of all feeling and emotion.

There is nothing between us.
Why must there be nothing between us?


"I'm home, Jonghyun," he whispers in my ear as he steps behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

His words -
Are so empty.

His touch -
Is so unsatisfying.

His presence -
Is so disheartening.

Everything we once had...
Everything we once shared...
Everything we once loved...
Has hidden itself away.

Oh, I would give anything to find it again!
I would give anything to return to all that we were before!
But I know I shouldn't waste my time trying.
Wishful thinking is only for the weak.


"How was your day?" I ask him with an empty heart.

"It was fine," he replies while leaning his head on top of my shoulders.


I wonder...
Can he feel the emptiness...
The bareness...
The nothingness between us?
Can he feel it?

Perhaps he feels it too
And is just trying to cast the feeling away.

Maybe he is lying to himself,
Pretending that the feeling still exists -
That it still lives on between us and that it will continue to live on for many years to come.

Maybe he is lying to himself
Just as I am right now.


We stand in silence for a long while.
The longer we stand -
His head on my shoulders,
His arms around my waist,
His breath tickling my neck -
The larger the abyss between us grows.

Can he feel it growing?
I can't help but wonder
If he too can feel it growing.


"I'm going to go take a shower, Jonghyun," he says, finally breaking the overbearing silence surrounding us.

"Alright," I mutter in return.


He slowly lifts his head from my shoulders
And allows his hands to fall from my waist.

Oh, how I miss the times when his touch
Stirred my spirit and excited my heart!
But now, I can't even tell that his hands have left my body,
For I never felt the sensation of skin against mine to begin with.

That feeling is long gone,
Hidden far away
Along with the true love we once shared.


I don't see him leave.
I don't hear him leave.
I am only aware of his absence when I hear his bedroom door close
And the sound of the shower head raining droplets of water in his bath tub.

 

What am I to do?

There's nothing more I can do.

The feeling has left.
It's gone forever, Jonghyun.
It's forever out of your reach,
And no matter how hard you try,
You'll never get it back.
Just accept the fact, Jonghyun:
It's already over.

It's over.


The feeling has left...
But the thoughts can't seem to follow suit.


I can't stop thinking about him.

How is it that I can't stop thinking about him
When I feel absolutely nothing for him?

I know the words sound harsh,
But they are true.
I feel...nothing.
And even though I feel nothing,
I can't stop myself from thinking about him.

It's like...he's taking over my thoughts.

Why must he tease me like this?

I want to love him;
I want to love him the same way I loved him before.

But...I just...can't.


He never goes.
He's always here -
Suffocating me.
He's under my skin,
And I can't run away.


Oh, Kibum...

I'd give my everything to you...
If you'd just let go of me.

But you never leave me.

You are always here - pursuing me.

And for now,
My best defense
Is running away from you.
 

But you won't leave me, stop chasing after me.

You are going to take everything from me, all you want from me.

And there is nothing I can do to stop you.

So go ahead, Kibum -
Take all you want from me.
I'm breaking slowly -
Ever too slowly.


Why can't I just forget you, Kibum?

My heart has already done just that.
So why, then, can't my mind mask your memory
In the same way my heart can?


I can't stand these conflicting thoughts any longer.
I hate thinking about you!
I hate that...I can't forget about you.

I wish I could say that I hate you, Kibum,
But I just can't make myself say it.
Why can't I make myself say it out loud?

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
But why can't I speak those words?
Why, Kibum?
What curse did you cast upon me?
 

Finally, I snap.
 

I can't keep sight of my sanity any longer.

I have to end these thoughts;
I have to forget.


But how should I do it?
How can I forget you?


I know!
I'll destroy your pictures...


And with this thought,
I run frantically around the apartment,
Toppling over every picture frame boasting his beautiful face.

I throw each frame to the floor
And begin stomping on them
Until the glass breaks
And the picture is left exposed on the marble floor.

I tear each picture into small pieces
And just leave them there on the floor.


What more can I do?
Your face...your words...
I can vividly recall each one of them in my memory.


I have to forget you.
What more can I do to forget you?


I...
I can't...
Do anything else.
I can't...


Dammit, Kibum!
You're driving me to madness!
Can you not see that?

I can't do anything else...
I just have to forget you...
I have to.


There's no other option.

The only way I can forget you...
Is to leave you...
Forever.

But if I run away...you will find me again.

And if you find me...everything will start over again.
 

I...I cannot let you find me...

I have to escape you...for good.

I walk into the kitchen
And open the third drawer to the right of the refrigerator.

I open it slowly,
Keeping my sight on one object and one object alone:
The large cutting knife.

It smiles its snide smile as I slowly slip my hand on top of it.

Gently, carefully, I pull it out of the drawer.


In the blade of the knife,
I can see my reflection.

Who is this person looking back at me?
I...I don't recognize his face.
He looks...distraught...
On edge...
Psychotic.


I put my lips to the blade.

I can taste the fear building up within my heart.

It tastes so bitter,
Yet oh so sweet all at the same time.
It's a taste I have never experienced before
And know that I will never experience again.


Now that I have the knife,
What should I do with it?
How shall I complete the deed?

Should I...stick it through my chest...?
Or is that too noble,
Too romanticized?

Should I...slit my wrists?
No, no...I want my ending to be abrupt,
Unstoppable.

Cutting myself would give me the ultimate disadvantage:
A chance to be saved.

Ah, I know!
I'll slit my throat!
That's the easiest way to go.
It's so fast and so simple...

Yes, it's perfect!
That's what I shall do.


I run my finger tip along the edge of the blade
And watch as blood begins to drip from my finger
And stain the white marble floor.


"Well, this is it," I say to myself calmly as I raise the blade,
"Take...take care of yourself, Kibum.
Forget me fast."



And with these words...


The sound of a scream is heard,


Followed by the falling of droplets of wine red blood


And the sound of the knife falling to the kitchen floor,


Shattering the once sacred silence,


And scarring the heart of the other boy,


Forever.