I awake early the next morning.

The snow is falling down in perfect time to the songs of the morning outside my window.

The air is cold even inside his apartment.

I take the blanket lying on top of the comforter and wrap it around my shoulders.
I then exit the bedroom, wondering what I will do while I wait for Kibum to wake up.
 

Much to my surprise, he is already awake.
He is standing in front of the window that overlooks the large park -
The same window we looked out of last night,
Side by side.
Together.
 

"Good morning, Kibum," I say softly as I move closer to him.
He does not make a sound.
He does not stir.
He just remains still -
Completely and utterly still.
 

"Good morning, Kibum," I repeat.
He still does not make a sound.
He still does not stir.
He just continues to remain still.

"Is everything alright, Kibum?" I ask.
Still he does not stir.
He seems frozen -
Frozen in reminiscence,
Frozen in time.
 

I don't want to disturb his thoughts.
I don't want to touch him.
I'm afraid that if I make any sudden movements,
He will be awakend from his unconscious slumber.

So I try speaking to him once more:
 

"Are you alright, Kibum? ...Kibum?...Can you hear me?"

I watch him -
I watch him with immense concentration.

His body still does not move.

I can hear him breathing,
But the stillness of his body makes me believe that I am merely hearing things.
 

Finally, he makes a move.

He closes his eyes,
Lowers his head,
And parts his lips.

After a moment of maintaining this position,
He opens his mouth to speak.

"She...she called me this morning, Jonghyun."

"Who, Kibum?"

"My step-mother. She called. This morning."

"I see."

"She...she wanted to make sure...make sure that I selected appropriate courses - appropriate courses so I can get into...into medical school."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"And you...you don't want to go to medical school?"

He sighs and places his hand on the window sill.
He then turns his head and looks me right in the eyes
With that stare,
With that gaze that makes me feel like he understands...
Like he knows...
Everything.
 

"I think...I think I need to tell you..."

"Tell me what, Kibum?" I ask while moving even closer to him.

And without awareness of my actions, I place my hand on his shoulder,
And he just puts his hand on top of mine and sighs once more.

"I need to tell you...about...myself."

All this time he has been standing so still and so stark,
But suddenly he falls forward.

I catch him quickly, unknowingly placing the back of my hand on his forehead.
 

"You need to sit down, Kibum."

"Yes, yes, I do."

He starts walking to the couch on his own.

He doesn't bother to motion to me or to tell me that he wants me to follow him,
But somehow I know that he wants me to come with him.
And so I do just that.

And once we are both seated on the couch, he resumes:

"I need to tell you about myself, Jonghyun.
 ...It's going to take a while for me to explain things to you.

Things are complicated, Jonghyun. Things are twisted.
So I'll talk and you'll listen, okay?"

"Of course."

And so I learn the story of Kim Kibum.

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His father had connected with a beautiful woman at the age of nineteen and swept her away to a small city, a place far, far away from their parents or anyone else. The woman, his mother, Kibum told me, had eyes of fire, an air of excellence, and a heart of gold. His father had met her on a ferry. He had been returning home from a year of studying abroad when he laid eyes upon the most enticing woman he thought to be in existence.

The two began their relationship quickly, ignoring the suggestions of their parents and allowing the clutches of lust and passion to overtake their judgment. After a few months of dating, the couple learned that the woman had become pregnant. The news was a shock to the two of them, but not as much so as it was to their parents. Outraged by their children's insolence, their parents cast them away and damned them to a life of misery and shame.

Kibum's father, angered by the spitefulness of his own parents, swore that he would always support and encourage his soon to be born child in whatever it was he wished to do. His mother, touched and inspired by the vow of her partner, promised that she too would encourage their son to pursue his dreams and wishes without judgment.

Just before the birth of their son, his father announced that he wanted to go to medical school. He told the woman that he had had a reoccurring dream in which God summoned him to be a doctor, a servant of the sick children in the desolate regions of Africa. The woman only nodded, assuring her partner that this path was indeed the path he was destined to travel and that she would be awaiting his return.

And this she did.

She gave birth to her child alone. She raised him from infancy into early childhood alone. She dried his tears and partook in his laughter alone.

And this was the life Kibum knew; this was the life Kibum remembered and cherished.

This was the life to which he longed to return.

Shortly before Kibum's tenth birthday, his mother fell ill. She tried her hardest to brush the sickness away, but soon it had become too difficult to ignore and her bed chamber became her only friend. She was bedridden for days and days, weeks and weeks - and poor Kibum had no choice but to take care of his mother. But Kibum didn't mind taking care of his mother, for his mother was the only family he had ever known, and he wanted desperately to keep her from leaving his side.

He had heard stories about his father. Wonderful, wonderful stories. And his mother had read him letters from his father. But other than his mother's accounts and the scribble on lined paper that was supposed to be a letter, Kibum never knew his father. Not even a little bit.

It was on the day of his tenth birthday that there came a knock at the door.
Kibum's mother had asked him to get the door, for she felt too weak to get out of bed herself to answer it. Kibum, always an obedient boy in the face of his mother, did as he was asked. And much to his surprise, the person at the door claimed to be his father.

Kibum asked the stranger to wait on the steps, went back into his mother's bedroom, and asked her if she could identify the stranger.
He returned to the stranger, took him by the hand, and brought him to his mother's bedroom.
The moment the stranger set foot in his mother's room, the woman exclaimed, "Oh, that's him, Kibum! That's your father! He has returned after studying for so many years! He's come back, son. Your father is back."

Kibum didn't know what to do at that moment. His mind told him that he should hug the stranger, but his heart wished differently.

All he could do was stare at the stranger,  and all the stranger did in return was stare at him. He wondered if the stranger had thought about hugging him as well, but he figured that he was probably expecting too much from the stranger and dropped the idea before it sprouted further.
 

In the days that followed, the stranger, who Kibum now started to call 'Father,' had announced that he was going to marry Kibum's mother. He was going to marry her that weekend and they would start their lives anew as a family - all three of them.

And Kibum, despite only knowing the stranger for a few days, was happy knowing this. And he was happy with the thought that soon he would have a real family...just like the other kids at his school had.

But, unfortunately, sometimes destiny has another plan for us - for all of us -
And destiny was especially cruel to Kim Kibum.

His mother and father were never wed;
His mother passed away the day before the wedding was to take place.

Instead of celebrating the most joyous of occasions that Sunday morning, Kibum and his father celebrated a feast of passing.
They arranged for a small funeral for the woman,
And when the time came for the casket to enter the earth, Kibum cried. Kibum cried harder than he ever, to this fateful day of revealing the story of his past to me, remembered crying before.

And much to his surprise, the stranger was crying too.

Yes, the stranger was crying too.

The two remained in the graveyard until the sun set and the crickets began playing a symphony of sadness.

 Before leaving, the stranger turned to Kibum and said:
"I'm sorry I was not here for you, son. But I promise you, son, that starting now, I will be here for you. Do you understand me? I will always be here for you."

He took Kibum in his arms and held him for what seemed like an eternity,
And all Kibum could do was listen to the sounds of nature around him and force himself to accept the thought that a stranger, a person he had only known for a few days, would now be in charge of his safekeeping.

And that thought scared Kibum; it scared him a lot.

But Kibum grew to love the stranger. The stranger always smiled at Kibum and complimented him when he did the littlest things. "This picture is beautiful, son! You could be a world famous artist, you know? Like Michelangelo. Would you like me to tell you about Michelangelo?" "Good throw, son! You could be a great athlete, you know? Like Babe Ruth. Would you like me to tell you about Babe Ruth, son?" "An A on your science test? You could be a doctor like Daddy, son! Would you like to be a doctor like Daddy?"

But Kibum never called his father 'Daddy' - he just never felt close enough to him to do it. So he always called him 'Father'. And his father soon became accustomed to that, even though it broke his heart to know that he had missed out on the opportunity to have his only son call him the same name he had always called his own father.
 

Yes, Kibum became very friendly with the stranger. When Kibum was twelve years old, however, he started to disregard the stranger. That is because the stranger had begun dating another woman.

Kibum resented his father for dating another woman.

'How could he just forget about my mother?' he would think to himself.

'I thought he loved her. How could he do this to her if he really loved her?'

But Kibum never said any of this to his father. The two shared such a fragile relationship, and he didn't want to upset it any more than it already was upset.

And so the stranger continued to date the woman. And, two years later, three days after Kibum's fourteenth birthday, the stranger married the woman. And when the woman entered the home, so did her son,

Choi Minho.
 

It was about three months after the two had settled into the home that the woman said to the stranger:

"You have your degree, darling. You have done all that you need to do and now you can finally pursue your dream. You can go to Africa and begin your quest, darling. Why don't you go to Africa, darling? Why don't you?"

"I can't just leave him," the stranger told the woman, "I can't just leave my son. I have already abandoned him once, and I don't intend to do that again."

But the woman, being the sly and conniving creature she was, persuaded the stranger to go by saying:

"Don't you understand, darling? If you want Kibum to have a good life, a nice life, a comfortable life, you must go to Africa. It is what he would want, and it is what his mother would want - his real mother."

As much as the words burned her tongue, she knew they had to be said. For if they were not said, he would have never given the notion a second thought.

This he did and, in the end, he agreed to board a flight to Africa and leave the woman alone with the two boys.

In the years following his father's absence, Kibum was insulted and ignored many times by the woman. She only had eyes for her biological son and, in turn, her biological son insulted and ignored Kibum twice over.

Kibum found himself spending many nights feeling abandoned and alone despite the fact that his step-mother and step-brother were right across the hall.

Yes, Kibum felt alone.

Soon, the stranger's face was on the cover of every newspaper around. He had become famous for his work with the people in Africa. People from all around the country would converse about him and compliment him on his achievements - and the woman would always be there to soak up the compliments and congratulatory wishes from the people.

She loved being the wife of the most successful doctor to ever live in South Korea. She loved it so much.

But all too soon, the family discovered that the stranger had fallen ill while treating patients in Uganda. He was to be flown back to South Korea after receiving treatment in a hospital in India.

When his father was safely situated in the home once again, Kibum went to see him. But before he could enter his father's bedroom, his step-mother asked him if she could have some time to speak with his father in confidence. Kibum reluctantly agreed, but rather than returning to his own room, he remained standing in the hallway and listened to the words the two exchanged:
 

"I don't have much time to live. I have contracted a deadly disease that has no known cure. But I do have a wish for you, my darling. Please, when I go, please watch over Kibum. Please encourage him in everything he does. Please help him live his dreams to the fullest and support his deepest desires. Please do that for me, darling. Please."

"Of course, dear, of course."

The next night, Kibum silently made his way to the stranger's bedroom.

The stranger was sleeping peacefully, so Kibum decided that he should not disturb him. But before he could exit the room, his father called him over to his side. And Kibum - being the obedient boy that he was since the days his mother, his true mother, began raising him - did as he was asked.

His father said to him:

"Kibum, Daddy is ill. Daddy is very ill. And Daddy...Daddy is going to die, son. He's going to die."

Tears fell from his father's eyes for the remainder of the time he spoke.

"Daddy's going to die, son, but before he does, he wants you to know how much he loves you. Daddy loves you, Kibum. And Daddy wants you to be happy. He wants you to be happy always."

Kibum couldn't say anything to the stranger; he was so touched by his father's sincerity and so ashamed of himself for disregarding it in the first place.

Kibum just put his hand on top of his father's for a few moments, and once he heard his father's breathing begin to slow, he took his hand away, turned off the lights, and left his father to a peaceful slumber.

That morning Kibum awoke to the sound of silence.

He rose from his bed and stopped at his father's room.

He found the bed completely empty and thought, 'Something is not right.'

He went down the stairs and found that neither his step-mother nor his step-brother were home. 'Something is definitely not right,' he thought to himself again.

And sure enough, he was right.

He discovered later that night that his father had passed away.
His father had died in his sleep the previous night, and his step-mother and step-brother had arranged for a quick funeral in his honor.

But Kibum's step-mother failed to tell him about this funeral.
And so she and her son, her real son, left to attend the funeral without Kibum by their side.
 

Kibum was in shock.

He hated his step-mother.

He hated her more than words could express.

But he could never tell her that, for she was now the only family he had left.

So instead of expressing his hatred for her, he made his way quietly up the stairs and back into his bedroom where he spent the night and following two days in solitude.
And the whole time he was alone in his room, he said aloud:

"I'm sorry you were never here, father.

I'm sorry I was never here either, father.

You came back, but I ignored you.

You were here, but I ignored you.

You were here this whole time, but I pushed you away.

I'm so sorry, father! I didn't mean to hurt you."

And every night, before he closed his eyes, he would shed a tear and say under his breath:

"Is it too late, father?

Is it too late...to start calling you Daddy?"

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With the death of his father came the start of his step-mother's nagging.

She had become so accustomed to life in the spotlight that she couldn't bear the thought of not having a prodigy in the household.

She knew that her real son did not have the intelligence to be the great doctor her late husband was; so, she decided to force the weight of the family reputation onto the shoulders of her step-son, Kibum.

And this she did.

From the one week anniversary of his father's death forward, Kibum was ordered to study hard and to follow in his father's footsteps.

"But...but father said...said I could be anything...anything I wanted to be," Kibum would plead in resistance.

"Oh no, son. That's not it at all..."

And the wicked step-mother thought of just what to say, for she had heard Kibum talking to himself alone in his room, and she knew exactly what to say to make him conform to her expectations.

"Your father told me that he wanted you to be like him.

You see, Kibum, all he ever wanted was to be close to you. That's all he ever wanted.

And it broke his heart that you never accepted him, that you never tried to accept him - that you even refused to call him 'Daddy.'

Oh, Kibum, don't you understand? If you follow in your father's footsteps, it's like you are becoming closer to him! He can see you from above, son, and he will see you in your journey to greatness and smile with every step you take. Do it for your father, son.

Do it for him.

For 'Daddy.'"

And Kibum did as his step-mother commanded, for he knew, deep in his heart, that she was right.

And no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise, he knew that she was right and that he could not escape her rightness.

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Once he finishes telling me his story, he cries.
He just coveres his face with his hands and sobs.

And all I can do is put my arm around his shoulders,
Pull him closer to me,
And let him sob
Until all his sobs are gone
And he falls down on the couch,

Tired and defeated.