Long after the police chief and his men left me,
The silence of my prison chamber harbored many memories.
All of these memories seemed like dreams,
For each one brought with them an air of light-heartedness
That I had not known since the day it happened:
The day he betrayed me;
The day I betrayed him. 

And as I slowly surrendered myself to the silence,
The memories became more frequent and more intense
Until soon, I could no longer distinguish fantasy from reality,
And the entire world seemed to disappear around me.
 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I am alone.
He has left for school.

Today is the day he begins his medical classes -
The classes his step-mother insisted he take.
 

"I don't want to go, Jonghyun," he says before he leaves.

"I understand, Kibum."

That's all I can say.
I can't lie to him and say that it will be alright if he just stays here.
I can't do that to him.
Even though I want him to stay,
I know it is best if he goes.

"Come with me," he insists.

"You know I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I haven't enrolled, Kibum. Don't be foolish."

"But...I don't want to go alone, Jonghyun."

"I know, Kibum, I know. But I can't go with you. You have to do this on your own."

"Why? Why do I have to do this on my own?"

"Because this doesn't involve me - it involves you and your step-mother. The way I see it you have two options: you can either comply with your step-mother's demands and never be happy, or you can tell her that you are in control of your own life and that you will no longer put up with her selfish orders."

"...It's...it's not that easy, Jonghyun."

"Why not?"

"Because...because she's...
She's the only family I've got.
She's the only one who'll take care of me."

"That's not true, Kibum," I say as I put my hands on top of his shoulders, "I...I'll take care of you."

"Don't be foolish, Jonghyun. You have no money. You...you can't take care of me."

"I may not have money, Kibum, but I care about making you happy and helping you to live your life independently - away from your step-mother's control.
That's got to count for something."

"It counts, Jonghyun," he says as he pulls my hands off of his shoulders,
"Unfortunately, it doesn't count as much.
I hope you understand, Jonghyun."

"I do, Kibum. I do.
I'm just sorry you feel that way."
 

After I say these words, he turns away from me.
He grabs his overcoat,
Slips on his boots,
And opens the door of the apartment slowly.

"I'll be back at five, Jonghyun," he says to the hallway.
And all I can say in reply is:

"Alright."

"Don't...don't make a mess," he says as he starts to close the door.
And as I refrain from running to him and pulling him back into the apartment, the only thing I can say to him is:

"I won't."
 

After he hears these words, he shuts the door completely, leaving me standing alone in the middle of his gigantic living area.

 

What should I do now?
What should I do?

I have been alone many times -
I've been alone for the vast majority of my lifetime -
And every time I am alone, I sit and think about life -
About how it works,
And about how it can break down in an instant.

I think about my past,
About my mother with the bottle,
About my father and his mistakes.

I think about myself.
But these thoughts only last a few seconds,
For I do not like thinking about myself.
I find it utterly dismal
And utterly useless
To think about myself.

But as I sit alone in the gargantuan apartment,
I begin to think about something I have never thought about before:
I think about him.
I think about Kibum
And how I long for him to be happy,
Truly happy.

As the silence begins to surround me,
Begins to suffocate me,
My thoughts become more and more irrational.

'I know how you can do it - how you can make him happy. Why don't you whisk him away and take him to a place far, far away from his step-mother? She will never know where he is. She'll never be able to find him. You two could live the rest of your lives together, far away, with only each others company to wake up to.'


I don't care what it takes,
I want to make him happy.
And that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to make him happy.
 

As this thought echoes throughout my entire body,
I take the list of phone numbers attached to the refrigerator in the kitchen,
Circle his step mother's name and phone number on the paper,
And make my way to the phone resting peacefully on the kitchen table.
I pick up the phone,
Awakening it from its peaceful slumber,
And dial the numbers circled in red pen hastily.

Whatever it takes.
I'll do whatever it takes
To make him happy.

 

"Hello?" asks a feminine voice on the other side of the phone.

"Yes, is this the step-mother of Kim Kibum?" I ask calmly, assertively.

"Yes, it is. Who is asking?"

"This is Jonghyun. Kim Jonghyun."

"Kim Jonghyun? Hmmm...your name doesn't ring a bell..."

"My name is of no importance. I am calling to inform you that Kibum will be dropping his medical courses - all of them - and he will be taking courses that interest him."

"Pardon? What...what did you just say?"

"I said that he will be dropping all of his medical courses."

"He will be doing no such thing. His courses have already been paid for."

"The money will not be an issue, Ms. Choi. You will be reimbursed..."

"No, no, no. Kibum will not withdraw from his medical classes. Do you understand me?"

"Unfortunately, Ms. Choi, he has already done just that. So, let's make this painless, shall we?"

"I don't know who you think you are, but you cannot order me around! I am Kibum's legal gaurdian, and I have the final say over everything he does. He will not drop his medical courses and that is final! You make sure he knows that."

"As I said before, Ms. Choi, he already has dropped his classes. Once they have been dropped, they have been dropped. It's final."

"Well, then, you tell him that if he wishes to be defiant, he will not be receiving any financial assistance from me. Tell him that if he wants to waste his life on some whimsical career, he can pursue his endeavors without the aid of his guardian."

"Oh, I'll tell him, Ms. Choi. And I can assure you that your words will not shake him in the least."

"You know, you're really something, Kim Jonghyun. How exactly do you know my son?"

"He's not your son, Ms. Choi, he is your step-son. Please do not be so careless when speaking. How do I know Kibum, you ask? Why, I'm his...his..."

"His what?"

"His...
Well, it was a pleasure speaking with you, Ms. Choi."

"Now you hold on just a minute there..."

But before she can finish her sentence, I hang up the phone.

 

What am I to Kibum?
What am I?
I'm certainly his friend...right?
I mean...we get along well...very well...
And I feel so comfortable...so...secure around him...

We have to be friends.
I can't only be a sob story.
I have to be more than that...
I just have to be...
 

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.
I make a mental note to resume questioning my standing in Kibum's life later as I walk to the door.
Without thinking, I unlock the deadbolt and open the door
Only to find a bleeding Kibum standing in the hallway.


"Kibum! What...what happened to you...?"

"Forgot my key," he answers with venom in his voice as he shoves past me and enters his apartment.

He throws his boots savagely on the ground,
Throws his overcoat on the ground,
And proceeds to step on it violently.

"Kibum...what...?"

"I'm not going back, Jonghyun! I'm not going back! You can't make me!
She can't make me..."

"Kibum...please...tell me what happened..."

"Nothing. Nothing happened."
 

"Don't tell me that. You're bleeding, Kibum.
Your eye is blackening...
Let me get you some ice."

"I don't need any," he replies even more harshly than before.

 

"Kibum...why are you like this?"

"Shut up, Jonghyun! You don't know anything."
 

And with these words, he huffs over to the big red couch and throws his bleeding and bruised body down.
And, despite himself, tears begin to roll down his cheeks.

I instinctively walk over to the couch, my eyes only looking into his.
He looks away from me and begins to curl his body into a ball.
 

"Please, Kibum...please..."

"You want to know, Jonghyun?" he screams as he suddenly sprawls all over the couch.

I want to sit down next to him,
Really, I do,
But he is scaring me.

I have never seen him upset before,
Angry before,
And I don't know what to do.
 

"Yes, Kibum...I want...to know..." I answer as I kneel down next to the couch, my hand blindly searching for his.
 

"I was harassed, Jonghyun.
I was beat up.

I was just...just walking...walking to my first class...minding my business...when they saw me.
They came up to me and...they started...whistling...

'Oh, look at this, guys!' one of them said, 'Look at this pretty little !'
'Wow, isn't he pretty?' they said...

And they started...touching me...
Touching my face...and my hair...and my arms...

'I'm not a !' I told them, but they igorned me...

'Look at this pretty little ,' they kept on saying...

And I was so...so mad that...
I...I couldn't help...myself...

I punched one of them.
I hit him in the nose.
And before I knew it...they had me against a wall...

They were hitting me...
Hitting me so hard...
And all the time they were hitting me...
They were saying:

'Take this, ! Take it!'

And after they were finished with me...they kissed my cheek...and just left me there.

I...I didn't know what else to do...

So I came back.

I...I..."
 

"Kibum," I say softly as I his cheek with my hand, "It's alright. You're safe now."

"Oh, Jonghyun! It was terrible!"

"I know, Kibum. I know."
 

"No, you don't know! You don't know! Why am I this way, Jonghyun?" he gasps as he begins to sob.
 

"What do you mean, Kibum?
 

"Why am I gay? Why am I a ? Why...?

My life would be so much easier if...if I wasn't..."

"That's ridiculous, Kibum..."

"No, it's not. I'm not right! I'm a societal abomination! Men aren't supposed to like other men...it's not right. It's...it's just not right."

"Who says...?"

"Everyone! Do you not understand? How can you be so oblivious?"

"I guess...I just..."

"You just what? You don't know anything, Jonghyun! If you just looked outside your fantasy world for two seconds then you'd see...!"

He's right.
I don't know anything.
I've been hiding inside my mind for so long...
I don't remember what the outside world is like.

"Kibum...I..."

"Don't say my name. Don't say it! I hate my name. I don't want to be Kim Kibum anymore. Never again!"

"But...but..."

"Kim Kibum has no family. Kim Kibum is forced to do everything he doesn't want to do. Kim Kibum is wrong! He's all wrong!"

"I don't think Kim Kibum is wrong. I think he's...he's perfect."

"No, he isn't..."

"Yes, he is. He's perfect...to me.
I know that doesn't mean much coming from my mouth...
Who am I to say anything...?

I'm just...a street rat.
An outcast.
A sob story."
 

"No, Jonghyun...no...
Listen.
I'm sorry...about what I said...
It's just...
I don't know what to do anymore."

I continue his cheek long after he finishes speaking.
I carefully wipe away the tears rolling down his bruised face and neck.
I pull his body closer to mine,
And just hold him for what seems like hours.

"Kibum...I...I spoke to your...step-mother..."

"...What?"
 

"I called her."

"You...did?
You...you...called her?"

"Yes, I did."

"...Why?"

"I told her that...you wouldn't be...attending the classes she signed you up for."

"Oh, did you now? Great. That's just great! What...what did she say?"

"She said...if you do that...she won't...she won't give you any financial assistance."

"Oh, great! Great. That's just...the perfect ending to my day. Thanks, Jonghyun," he says as he pushes me away from him.

He stands up abruptly and begins to leave,
But I grab his forearm before he can move any farther.

"Kibum, listen. You shouldn't be doing anything you don't want to be doing. It just...it just makes me sick to see you so unhappy."
 

I stand up and move closer to his bloodied body.

"Well, it's really none of your concern, Jonghyun."

"Your happiness is a major concern of mine, Kibum."

"You barely know me. Why do you care?"

"I just do, alright? Why can't you...why can't you just accept that maybe...just maybe...there's someone in this world...someone who isn't related to you...who loves you?"

 

He is silent now.
I try to look into his eyes,
But he avoids eye contact altogether.

"But...if I don't do what she wants..."

"Don't worry about the money, Kibum. I'll...I'll get a job. I'll help you pay for this place. I'll help you pay for an education in an area of study that truly interests you."

After I say this, we both remain silent.
He needs time to think,
And I want to respect him
And give him all the time he needs.

Soon, I feel his warm hands pressed against my own,
And his fingers intertwining themselves meaningfully in mine.

"Do you...do you really mean that, Jonghyun?"

"I'd do anything to make you happy, Kibum."

He moves his body closer
And rests his forehead against mine.

"Do you think...we can do this, Jonghyun?"

"I think so, Kibum. I'll...I'll die trying."

And with that, he takes his hands away from mine
And places them on either side of my neck.

He leans his face closer
Until I can feel his lips on top of mine.

And with each second his lips are resting on mine,
Time stops,
The world begins to stand still,
And all my thoughts begin to cease.

Everything feels so...perfect...
So right...

But in this moment, I can't help but ask myself...

What am I...?
What am I to him?

"Kibum," I ask quietly as I break the kiss, "What...what am I to you?"

"What do you mean, Jonghyun?"

"What...what do you see me as?"

"I...I see you as...as...
I can't explain it.

It's like...it's like you're...
A part of my imagination.

You're so...perfect, Jonghyun.
Too perfect to be real.

And I...I can't be as perfect as you..."

"What are you saying? You're already perfect the way you are, Kibum.
And I'm not perfect.
I'm the farthest thing from that..."

"No, you aren't. You're...caring...and comforting...and...beautiful..."

A tear rolls down his cheek,
But this time, I do not wipe it away -
I cannot move my hands.
 

"You're all that and more, Jonghyun. And what am I? I'm a kid with no family, no friends, and no free will...with nowhere else to go...
I'm a joke, Jonghyun. I'm a joke to society. I'm...I'm a gross, disgusting, immoral..."

I can't stand to hear him say these words.

I forcefully pull him into my embrace
And hush him before he can say anything more.

 

I want to stay like this forever -
With him in my arms
And the whole world melting away around us
As we stand in the middle of his apartment.

Together,
Free of judgment.
 

"Don't let their words get to you, Kibum. They don't understand...
They don't understand that a person's uality doesn't completely define who they are.
They're shallow. They're ignorant.
Don't let their words hurt you.
You don't have to see them ever again.
I wouldn't change you for the world, Kibum. You're...you're..."

 

I want to tell him how I feel about him.
I want to tell him that he makes my heart beat uncontrollably -
That he makes me feel like I'm worth something;

That he keeps me from having nightmares,
Because his mere presence is equal to a thousand pleasant dreams;

That he keeps painful memories from returning,
Because those memories seem so insignificant
Compared to the thought of his existence.

I want to tell him...
That I love him.

Yes, I love him.

 

"Jonghyun...?"

"Kibum," I start, tilting his chin so that his eyes are looking straight into mine, "I...I love you.
I love you, Kibum.
Do you hear me?

I love you."

 

With these words, he puts his hands on my shoulders,
Moves my body closer to his
And kisses me once more.

He kisses me with feeling and with passion.

I can feel his good intentions,
And I hope that he can feel mine as well.
 

"Jonghyun...I love you too."

 

And with that,
The world finally stops -
 

Time is finally frozen,
And the only thing that exists
Is his body next to mine.

We are the only two people left in the world,
And we are happy knowing that.

And no one can take this happiness away from us -

No one.