"Where is he?" I hear a voice ask from behind the door.

"Right behind this door," replies a different voice, a familiar voice.
I recognize it right away.

It is him -
The man who came in to question me.

How I despise that man for breaking the sacred silence that once filled this room!
Thanks to him, the voices have become louder than they once were -
Deafening me with each passing second, minute, hour.

Just before I can mumble blasphemous curses beneath my breath, the man speaks again:

"Just...just be careful in there. He's not quite...not quite...stable right now."
 

No,
No I'm not stable.
And here's some news for you:
I've never been stable.
Never.
 

"Don't worry about it. Let's just say...I know what makes him ticked."

As the voice behind the door echos about the empty room, I try to match a face with its distinct sound.
 

The voice...
Sounds so...
Familiar.
But why can't I put a face to it?
Why can't I remember...?
Dammit, Jonghyun!
Remember!

Why are you so useless?
Remember, I say!
Please.
 

As I attempt to mentally construct the face of the unidentified speaker, the doorknob turns.

And before I can take a breath, the door swings open.

And standing there, in the middle of the door frame, is the last person I ever expected to see -
The last person I want to see.
 

"Jonghyun," the intruder begins calmly, "Long time no see."
 

I look at my feet.
I don't want to look him in the eyes.
His eyes are evil -
They can drain the happiness out of anyone.

His gaze is harrowing.
His stance is stoic and severe.
And his words,
His marvelous ability to weave words that could make even the most faithful of Brothers
turn against their own beliefs and take their own lives...

Everything about him is wicked.
Everything about him is inhuman.
 

"Jonghyun?" he asks as he begins to approach me slowly. As he gets closer, I close my eyes to keep myself from looking at his beautiful yet heinous face.

"Jonghyun? Why are you ignoring me? I came all this way just to talk to you, and you don't even have the courtesy to look at me? I must say, I am very disappointed in you, Jonghyun. Very disappointed indeed."
 

I don't want him here!
I don't want him near me!
He's playing with my mind,
And soon, he'll start playing with my heart strings,
Playing with my sanity -
Well, with what's left of my sanity.
 

"What do you want?" I spit.

I feel my blood begin to boil and my heart begin to race.

It's happening again -
I'm becoming angry -
I'm becoming irrational -
I'm becoming a monster.
 

"Now now, Jonghyun, that's not very nice..."
I cut him off before he can finish speaking.

I want him gone
And I want him gone now.
 

"What do you want...Minho?"

But before he can answer, it hits me.

The flashback.

It just comes to me.

And it plays itself out clearly in my mind.

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"I...I think...I think I remember you..."

"You do?" the boy asks carefully as he tugs at the sleeves of his overcoat.

"Yes, but...I'm probably mistaken. You just...you just remind me of someone I met years ago."

"Well, if I am who you are thinking I am...where did you meet me?"

"I met you in a car. In your mother's car.

She found me on the street, you see, and she sat me in the back seat. Next to you.

And you sat in the back seat with me while your mother brought me to the orphanage.

And after she dropped me off... I never saw you again.

Not you or your mother."

The boy just looks at me, confusion apparent on every corner of his face.

"I...I guess I was mistaken. My apologies. I could have sworn..."
 

"No, no, wait..." the boy begins, "I...I think I remember you now.
Yes, I do.
You were covered in dirt then.
The dirt was covering your nose, I remember.

I remember that because I wanted to reach over and wipe your nose so badly, but I restrained myself from doing so because I thought it would be disrespectful.
I remember your nose. Yes, you have the same nose he did.

And I remember you because of your eyes.
I remember looking into your eyes, and you looking back into mine, and then thinking 'this boy must think about many things - his eyes do not stay still for long - he must be thinking of something very important, something very interesting.'

Your eyes have not changed.
You still look like you are thinking about many things.

Are you? Are you thinking about many things?
What are you thinking about?
Please tell me what you're thinking about."
 

I cannot help but smile at his question.
It amazes me to hear how much he remembers about me.
It makes me feel...makes me feel...happy,
Truly happy -
Happy to know that there is at least one person in the world on whom I have had an impact,
So much so that he remembers the features of my face after meeting me so many years ago.

I am touched.
Truly.
 

"I was just thinking that it's amazing that you remember so much about me after meeting me only once."
 

"Well, I have a good memory. I remember a lot of things. But there is one thing I don't seem to be able to remember..."

"And what would that be?"

He looks into my eyes,
And it is the first time I notice the strength of his stare.

It is a stare that makes me want to reveal all of my darkest secrets and deepest desires.
It is a stare that makes me feel so comfortable and in such good care that the cruelness of the world seems to dwindle away into nothingness - and the only thing that is visible is the sun shining in the sky and the whiteness of the snow against my skin.

And in watching his gaze, I feel safe.
Yes, I feel safe.
 

"I don't seem to remember your name."
 

I take a step closer to the boy, extend my hand, and say:

"My name is Jonghyun. Kim Jonghyun.
And what might your name be?"
 

The boy takes a step closer to me, takes my outstretched hand in his, shakes it lightly, and says:

"The name is Kibum. Kim Kibum.
It's nice to meet you again, Jonghyun."
 

"Yeah, it sure is, Kibum.
It sure is."

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Don't be like that Jonghyun," Minho's voice coos, cutting off the only pleasant memory I have had for days.
 

"Be like what, Minho? What do you want from me? Do you want me to pretend that I don't hate you? Because I can't do that. I do hate you."
 

I start to twist uncontrollably in the chains.
 

I want to strangle him!
It's his fault he's gone!
It's his fault he's dead!
He's to blame!
He's the only one to blame.

"Don't embarrass yourself, Jonghyun," Minho says as he sits down on the floor about two feet away from me.

He is teasing me.
He wants me to struggle.
He wants me to go insane.
He wants to watch me go insane.
 

"It's all your fault, Minho!" I scream at him heartlessly,
"It's all your fault he's dead!"
 

"Don't even try to convince yourself that's true, Jonghyun.
You and I both know that's absolutely false.
It was not I who lost control of my anger.
It was not I who stuck the knife through his chest.
It was not I, was it, Jonghyun?

Well,
Was it?"
 

I hate him.
I hate him and I want him dead.
He deserves to be dead.
He killed him.
He killed him!

No, Jonghyun, no.
He didn't kill him -
You did.

In the end, it was you who killed him,
And you cannot blame anyone but yourself for his death.

It's all your fault, Jonghyun.
Don't try to deny it!
Don't try to run from your guilt,
For it will always find you -
And it will always wait for you in the shadows of your mind.

It's your fault, Jonghyun,
And you have no one to blame but yourself.
 

As I come to this realization, I willingly let the chains restrict my movements.
I slide down the white prison wall and let my tired body sink to the floor.
I bow my head in defeat and let the maniacal laughter escaping Minho's lips tease my ears.
 

He and I both know that the struggle has ended.
I lost the battle,
And he won the war.
And all I can do is accept defeat
And let my aching muscles rest for a while.

"Yes, Jonghyun, that's what I thought. I'm glad to see you've come to your senses."
 

"Minho..." I start,
"Why are you here?
Why have you come here?
Are you here just to watch me in my misery?
What do you want with me, Minho?
Why are you here?"

Minho chuckles to himself and rises from the floor.
He walks even closer to me, until he and I are mere inches apart.
He kneels on his knees, puts his hand against my cheek, and says almost in a whisper:
 

"They came last night, Jonghyun.
They came to my door.
And they wanted to arrest me, Jonghyun.
But they can't arrest me,
For, you see, I wasn't the one who killed him.
That was you, wasn't it?
We both know that it was you.

But they insisted that I was a part of it and they wanted to imprison me.
But that's not fair, you see, because I did not kill him.
I did not kill him.
You killed him.
We both know you killed him,
And you have to be the one to tell them that.
You have to be the one to look them in the eyes and explain how you took his life.

I did not have hold of the knife.
I did not lose my temper and let my jealousy get the better of me.

That was you, Jonghyun.
Wasn't it?"
 

I can't believe what I'm hearing.
How can he be so...so selfish?
Does he even have an ounce of guilt?
Does he understand what he has done?
I may have been the one to pull the trigger,
But he was the one who loaded the bullets.

It was both our faults!

I cannot believe that he cares more about himself
Than about admitting his own mistake!
 

I want to kill him.
And this time, I mean it.
I have never wished to see a person be tortured before my eyes before -
Not until now.

I want Minho to die.
I want him to die a painful death.

And I want to dance on his grave
And laugh at his misfortune.
 

"Minho...get out. Get out, now, before I..."
"Before you what, Jonghyun? You can't do a damn thing. You're chained, my friend. You're stuck here. You can't touch me."
 

"Minho, I never want to see you again. You're disgusting! Do you even have a heart? Have you no shame? No guilt?"
"I have nothing of the sort because I had no part in the murder of Kim Kibum."
 

"That's where you're wrong, Minho. You did. You did have a part in the murder of Kim Kibum. A very significant part at that.
You sewed the seeds of death yourself and yet you refuse to admit that you are guilty?
Tell me, Minho, how is it possible for a person to live without a heart?"
 

I can't help it.
I start to cry.
I just can't help it.

It hurts to watch someone who deserves the same fate as I do
Completely cast away his conscience for the sake of his own skin.

It hurts to listen to him laugh at my sincerity,
And it hurts even more to realize that every word he says is true.

It hurts like hell.
 

"I'll leave you now, Jonghyun. But listen to me carefully:
The police will be coming very soon,
And when they get here, you better tell them who killed Kibum -
Who really killed Kibum.

You can run from the police,
And you can even run from me,
But you can't run from your heart, Jonghyun.
You can't run away from yourself.

Remember that, will you?
Remember it well."
 

And before he turns around to leave,
He kneels once again,
And kisses my cheek.

And that is when I begin to lash at the chains again.

How dare he defile me like this!
How dare he come here and play me for a fool!
I have never seen a creature more heartless
Than the one standing before me now.
 

"Good day, Jonghyun.
Sleep pleasantly."

And with these words, he leaves me.

He leaves me crying.
He leaves me nauseated.
He leaves me craving blood -
His blood -
Running down my hands
And falling heavily to the earth.
 

Why am I this way?
When did I become this way?
When did I become a monster?

Damn you, Choi Minho! Damn you to hell!
For every word you spoke is true.

I am a murderer.
I am a demon and a disgrace to human kind.
And I killed him -
I killed Kim Kibum.

Are you happy now, Minho?
I killed Kim Kibum!



"I KILLED KIM KIBUM! " I cry at the top of my lungs,
"I killed him,
I killed him,
I killed him.

I killed Kim Kibum!"
 

And with that, the memories flood my demented mind once again.