Solitary confinement
Really is
Solitary confinement.


There's nothing to look at...
I am all alone...

Just here with my thoughts...
I am all alone...

Why must I be here with my thoughts...?
I am finally alone.
 

Am I losing my mind...?
Or am I reaching a deeper level of awareness...?
One that I have not yet known;
One that those around me cannot know...


Solitary confinement
Really is
Solitary confinement.


Thoughts are domineering...
More so than cannons, guns, and grenades.

Thoughts are suffocating...
But they are my only companions
As I am all alone.

But worse than the thoughts
Are the memories.
 

Oh, why must the memories return to me?
I thought I left them behind in the court room...
Left them behind with my confession...
With my brutal honesty...

Yet they are here again...
They are always here.


I can run away from everything else...

I can run away from my home,
Just as I did when I was young...

I can run away from the people...
From the storms, from the chaos, from the catastrophe...

But I cannot run away from my unconscious mind.


Resistance is futile in its presence.
It is always here...
 

I'm really not alone.


And all that's left to do
Is to render myself victim to
The memories I have been trying so desperately to escape.


This is it.
This is my final surrender.


It's all over now.
Everything's over now.

 

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'Kibum will be home late again tonight,' I thought to myself manically.
'That leaves me plenty of time.'

I sit down at the kitchen table,
The table where we both sat so many times
Back in the days when we were in love -
Back when the only thing that existed in our world was that love
We longed for, hoped for, prayed to die for - 
And the only thing we needed was each other.


Those days are gone now,
And it's time I finally face reality.


"How should I proceed...?" I ask myself aloud, anxiously.
"It could be a sort of story book event...
Perhaps a drop of poison could get the job done,
Such as was the fate of Romeo and Juliet...
The star-crossed lovers.

Perhaps Kibum and I were star-crossed ourselves...
The son of Korea's most reputable doctor...
Falling in love with the son of the streets,
The outcasted child nobody cared for...?
Whoever heard of such nonsense?

And that's exactly what it is:
Nonsense.
Just a bunch of story book crap.

True love doesn't exist;
It never will exist.
Not while greed and lust reign supreme.
That much is certain. 


No, poison will not do.

Perhaps a more practical approach?
Strangling is relatively simplistic...
There is no bloodshed...
I could be done quickly...
I am much stronger than he is...
There would be virtually no resistance...
No trouble on my part...

Yes, strangling could work.

But if I take that approach,
There is still a chance that he could escape.

And what would he do if he got away?
He would run away with...with that girl...
Leave me forever...

No, strangling just won't do.
I can't give him the satisfaction of having his way.


Kim Kibum will not make a fool of me, dammit!
Never again will I allow him to make a fool of me!

I need to do the deed...quickly...accurately...with no chance of his survival.
Perhaps...

Yes -
Yes, of course!"


I stand up swiftly and dash to the first row of cabinets nearest to the entrance of the kitchen.

"First drawer under the first cabinet..." I say to myself excitedly, "Can't miss it..."


I frantically grab the drawer
And pull it out of its comfortable place
Locked within the supportive holding of the kitchen's countertop
With one forceful flick of the wrist.

The drawer falls to the kitchen floor; its contents splatter every which way with a strident smash.

I distressingly fling my body to the cold, hard floor
And rummage through the endless valley
Of jagged silver utensils and pointed provisions.

I can feel it calling out to me,
Beckoning for me with its enticing element of danger and immense power...

I deliriously search until I find it - the very implement I have seen time and time again in my dreams and in my nightmares.

And as I hold it ever so cautiously in my hands,
It smiles at me,
Welcoming me as its brother and counterpart.


I have never before seen anything so beautiful.
The way it reflects the dim light protruding from the lamp on the table...
The way it reflects my true intentions one by one in the unmistakable serrated edge of the blade...
The way it reflects my face - mad with rage and mad with anticipation - revealing to me my true self -
The self I have yet to encounter face to face but have always longed to see.


The authority of the knife
Astounds me,
Humbles me.

And in this moment,
The knife has become my god -
The only thing whose aura and authority I truly believe in.


"Oh, it's perfect," I whisper to myself in a frenzy of derangement,
"It's perfect for you, Kibum.
For the most noble of princes comes the most noble of deaths:
Death by the blade.

And you, Kibum, are most certainly a prince,
And I your simple jester...

Do I amuse you, Kibum?
Am I just a person you can play with,
A person you can torment without regret, without a second thought?

Tell me, Kibum,
Who is the noblest of all now?

For the one who holds the blade
Holds all power."


After I pay it my respects and share in a mutual understanding with the sovereign sword,
I continue to plan my most formidable revenge.


"When he comes home tonight, he'll be exhausted,
Just as he is every other night.

And when he comes home...
He'll close the door to his bedroom...
And I won't be able to get in...


I must wait for him, then, there in his room...

But if he sees me with the knife right away...he'll have time to escape...
And I can't have him running away...


I know what I'll do!
I'll hide the knife in a place he won't think to look.

I'll hide it...under his pillow.


Oh, I can just see it now:
Kibum will walk into the room
And barely make out the presence of a dark figure
Seated in a chair in the far right corner...

He'll stop dead in his tracks,
Terrified of the stranger that he lays his eyes upon...

And in his fear,
His body will freeze in its tracks
And he will just stand still -
Petrified; staring in my direction;
Unable to touch the bed that will sit mockingly before him...


And his weak voice will cry out my name.

'J...J...Jonghyun?" he'll ask as he shivers,
Hands clenching his legs
For support and reassurance.

And, oh, it'll be me alright.


'Yes, Kibum?' I'll reply sweetly;
Innocently;
Convincingly.

'Wha...what are you doing in here?' he'll question in a dazed, confused manner.

And, oh, how the lights from the corridor will
Silhouette the right side of his face ever so perfectly,
Clearly revealing his bewilderment and perplexity.
 
'I've been worried about you...' I'll say in a calming voice,
Carefully giving the illusion that I am concerned for his well-being
And not for his constant involvement with a woman with whom I have not yet been acquainted.

Oh, I'll make the act so convincing,
So masterful,
So irrefutable
That even Choi Minho would be taken aback!


'Please, Kibum, you must lie down and rest...' I'll coo softly in his ear. I'll gently take his shoulders in my hands and lie him down on the bed.

Oh, how vulnerable he will be at that moment!

I'll have him fooled,
Tricked,
Deceived...

And right as he closes his eyes for the first time -
Taking in the last breath of air that will ever fill his lungs -
I will lunge for the knife hidden by the safeguard of the pillow...


And then, just as he tries to force himself up from the sheets...

I will plunge it into his chest

And watch as his eyes grow wide and his breath falls short,

All the while ecstatic at the sight of the blood that once ran hot for my touch flowing from the open wound.


Oh, what a perfect moment it will be!

And once the embodiment of perfection,
The symbol of status and reputation,
The renowned Kim Kibum has been silenced once and for all...
Everything will be right with the world.


Once he has stopped his breathing,
He can no longer hurt me,
Manipulate me,
Deceive me.

For if I can't have Kim Kibum,
Nobody can.

Of that I will make certain.


There's no hope for you now, Kibum;
You've already sold your soul
And made a deal with fate.

And I, being fate's humble servant,
Will carry out the task at hand
Dutifully and without hesitation.


You've already sealed your fate, Kibum,
And there's nothing more I can do to save you.


In a few more hours
We will say our final goodbyes,
And in precious parting will I find relief.


May death come to you quickly, Kibum,
So the worse can be over for the both of us,
And the both of us can go to the places which we were destined to go -

You to a land of angels or, perchance, demons,
And I to a refuge away from all of my thoughts and memories.

That is how God wants it to be.

Yes, that is how God wants it to be."



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While I remember that night -
That night of desperation and desolation -
 

Solitary confinement
Remains
Solitary confinement.