As I look at you, a small grin form in my upper lip yet I know there’s streak of tears that flowed down from my eyes. I want to say that I can face all this with you by my side but what’s the purpose of taking all my time to get away from you if I will just let myself walks back towards your side. I can’t let that happen. I can’t take the responsibility of taking away the happiness I’m now seeing on your face.

I can see the full of colors radiating from you and surrounds you like they were there to stay and protect you from like me, who am having those fading colors you once said I possessed. They were beautiful around you and mine were weary and monotonous. You’re like a picture of perfection and I am one of those called once a memory.

We’re now in two different worlds and different lives. I have wanted this and now I got it. You’re happy, and that’s what’s important the most. I can’t let you be burden by the way I took. You deserve more than I gave you before. You deserve someone else. And I should say that it’s not me. I didn’t have you before and I will never have you now. I don’t deserve someone like you.

A once life full of colors doesn’t belong to me now. The darkness has started crawling up on me and I won’t stop it for the mere fact I deserve it. Sometimes, we have to face the consequences of our action even if it was the least we expected. You’re far away from me now and I like the smile on your face. You’re glowing and I love to see that. That is all I want.

We can be like before but I chose not to. I will just cause you hurt whenever you look at me. I very well knew the genuine care you have for me but I also knew myself that I won’t be contented with that. I will aim for more and like you have said, my eyes were so transparent that you were able to know what I feel. I know that was just a lie, you just knew me so well and you don’t have to look into my eyes because I show you everything I want you to see on me. You will be hurt and you will feel the guilt if you ever see my state. That’s how you know me. Just simply looking at me and you will understand me. But it will be an eternal question for me of why you didn’t even see how I felt for you? That I care for you, deeper than what you thought I could. That I see you beyond being as my sister and that you’re not only my best friend. Guess I could never find out about that.

One last look and I have to go on my way now. It’s hard. Seriously harder on what I imagined. My feet seem to sense my reluctance to go away, though my mind still nagging me to start moving. It’s hard. I am choosing my mind yet I can’t fight harder my heart. This is so suffocating. I have done what I think is the best yet I can’t stop the pain in my chest. It’s crushing the broken pieces of my heart. Every second I stay here gazing at your perfect smile was lifting the bandage I put on those wounds as I try to cure its brokenness. It’s hard. But I will continue to mask this pain. It will eventually go away like I do. It will vanish and I will live. But I also know that I will not be living by then. Alive but not living. It’s my choice and it’s not your fault. Please don’t ever think like that. You’re now happy, and like I’ve said, that’s what’s important the most.

You can live without me, oppose to what you told me before that you can’t. You can, I promise. And this is the start. You are smiling though I’m not there. See? You can.

This is the last straw, I promise to make you happy from now on. Not with me though. I will always remember that last smile on your face. I will etch it in my mind and heart like all the memories I have with you. You were chained there since the start anyway. Another one will not harm.

I love you Miyoung-ah. Please remember that, though I never told you, but I hope I have let you felt it. Continue to smile for me, please…

Like my fading colors, I saw your fading figure as I walk backwards to the awaiting car. This is the last time and I was just wanted to get enough. And when I saw that gorgeous eye-smile, I opened my car door and sat on the passenger seat. That was the last. Thank you for that last souvenir.

“Should we go now, Tae?”

“Yeah Oppa-!” I was stunned by the vibration of my phone in my pocket. Oppa didn’t start to drive yet and just watch me fished my phone and widened my eyes to see the caller’s picture on the screen.

“Why don’t you answer it?”

“I can’t.”

“You can. Give her at least something to understand your decision.”

“But Oppa, she will get hurt.”

“You are hurting her by not saying goodbye properly.”

“Okay. I got it.”

Then I blindly answered your call. I don’t want to hear your voice because I know that I won’t be able to calm mine but nonetheless I have to answer your call. Oppa is right, you need closure.

“Hello?”

“Make that car move or I will forget that you’re my best friend, Taetae.”

I want to tell you to do as you said but the confusion, sadness, and anger in your voice betray my tongue and just shut out itself leaving me to face your rant and rave. Just a small sigh managed to escape.

After a short pause, and a little time to compose back myself, I tried to say my piece. “Fan~”

“I’m serious Kim Taeyeon. You promised me that you’ll be there when I face this new phase of my life. But where were you? Where are you? You’ve been MIA for quite a while now. You’re not showing yourself to me. And you even have the guts to not tell me anything about this? Now I will see your car near where I am but you’re not going to approach me? What’s wrong Taetae? I am your best friend yet I feel like I am not. I know that you’re not busy but why this? Are you angry with me because you think that I will leave you?”

Your voice was turning into a sad tone. Yeah, Oppa’s right, I am hurting you. You’re hurting without you knowing the reason. I can’t tell you, can I? That will be too much for you. The pain you are feeling now is enough and I won’t give you anything anymore. I’ll let you go as easy as I can.

“Sorry Fany-ah. I have to do something far from here. I have to leave you now. I will break my promise. And I am not angry at you,” I’m angry at myself. “and I don’t think that you will leave me. I know that you will not leave me. But I have to leave you.”

“Can you explain it to me? And to tell you tell you the truth, I am not liking the sound of ‘you leaving me’. You are not leaving me, right? For a very long time, I mean.”

And now, I hear you stifling that sobbing. I’m hurting you and I made you cry. I’m so bad. I feel like the worst person now.

“That’s all there is. I have to leave you, for the good. I won’t be coming back.”

“No Kim Taeyeon! You can’t do this.”

“I’m sorry Fany-ah… the least that I can do now is to bid you my goodbye.”

“Please, Taetae… don’t leave me like this…”

Your sobbing makes me want to hit myself hard as if I’m hitting those punching bags that used to accompany me the first time I heard about your love story with him. What else I can do now? Nothing much, I guess.

“Fany-ah, neomu mianhe. Nareul saranghae, Miyoung-ah…” as I say that last phrase, I am sure she didn’t hear it. I made it sure that she didn’t. She couldn’t know it now. And I can’t take your crying anymore, what more to hear your words of pain. No, I won’t hear them.

That was the last words that I can leave to her. As I am pressing the “End Call”, I felt Jiwoong Oppa’s thumb brushing away the tear that I shed. I know I’m annoyingly repeating this, but seriously, it’s hard.

“Be okay Taeyeon-ah. You’re strong but remember that I’m here, we’re here for you.”

“Please drive Oppa, I don’t want her to see me.”

“Okay.”

As I hear the car’s engine, I also felt the nonstop vibration of my phone. I throw it on the back seat because it makes me feel worse that I can’t even look at it to see your smiling picture. And it worsens to know that I deny you the chance to talk to me.

“I’m the worst Oppa.”

“No Taeyeon-ah, you just want the best for her.”

“By leaving her in the dark? And leaving her without proper explaining my reason?”

“You said it yourself, you don’t want to hurt her more than you have hurt her. And you have said your goodbye. You will not leave her like a lost puppy. At least she knows that you will leave her not like you will just disappear from her life without a word.”

“But ignoring her call now is too much. I shouldn’t have answered her call so she didn’t have to hear my voice. Now I let her expect that I will still talk to her. She’s slowly moving on and accepting that I am slipping away from her life. But because of that call, I let her hope that we will be seeing again.” It hurts that my tears don’t stop falling. It hurts that the pain in my chest is like taking my breath away from me. It hurts so much.

“It will be alright again Taeyeon-ah.”

“It will never be okay again Oppa. You and I know that. Never again.”

“Stop it. We still believe that it will pass. You’re going to s-!”

“I have accepted it, Oppa. End of discussion, please. I’m tired.”

I heard him sighed and I know the meaning behind it. I made him feel worthless. I now that he cares for me. But I can’t let him expect more than what we know. Everything has their limits, and mine has come. We know that and we can’t do anything about that. That’s just how it is.

“Rest well. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

“Yes, I will do.”

And resting will be my life now. My dream of having you is like a fading color of a picture. It’s fading away, fast. Away from my life and resting is all I can do to still keep my heart. Resting from all the hurt I feel, from all the hurt I caused you. Resting from that truth, the truth that I’m gonna be away from you from now on.

Miyoung-ah, I’m sorry that I have to do this. It’s not only for you, but for us. Live without me, please. I will just be like a fading color you once saw and meet. I will now fade away.

Sorry... this is just the result of listening to Taeyeon's new songs Fine and Love in Color...

It's just me who got depressed listening to those songs.. they were great songs, but yeah, it made me feel so depress... :'(

Ugh... as much as I love to listen to it, I can't coz I can't also stop tearing up... huhuhu... 

I still hope you guys liked this randomness of a one shot...