[Side Story I]

Cha Hakyeon

Cha Hakyeon.

7 Years old.

Human.

He was a child born from the love of his adoring mother and hard-working father. His parents loved him and he loved them a lot in return. He was born and raised in a small town called Pinewoods. The town used to be a small farmer’s village that ran upstream along a river, surrounded by mountains and greenery. The town carried a long history and was proud of it. Its people were very close to one another, from one generation to another. It was also the same for Hakyeon’s family.

Hakyeon’s grandparents lived in Pinewoods for a very long time. His father was also raised here. They opened a small bakery since the town was established in order to accommodate for the needs of its citizens. The bakery also used their local harvests in order to produce its sweet and savory products, which was loved both locally and by its neighboring towns. Although Hakyeon’s father was never able to inherit the secrets of the family bakery, his wife, on the other hand, was a natural at it.

When she married into the Cha family, she took over the bakery with care and love. Her skills were even more amazing than the previous generation of the Cha family. They were loved by the people of Pinewoods.

Hakyeon was also loved by the adults in town since his birth. He was showered with the love of his neighbors as well as his own parents. He grew up to be an energetic and kind child, whom all the adults loved. The moment he learned how to walk and run, he would go around town to help the adults carry through with their errands. Sometimes, he would even take care of the even younger children for their parents. Everyone called him the big brother of Pinewoods and even the leader of the local playgrounds. They laughed, played, and joked with Hakyeon. In return, Hakyeon would repay them with his deeds and his brightest smile.

But there was something that no one knew about Hakyeon. Not the people of the town, nor his family or friends.

He had everything anyone could have ever asked for but he wanted more. He craved for more.

Since his family ran a bakery for so many generations, Hakyeon was interested in inheriting the business and carry on the family traditions. He often went down to the store to help out both at the front desks and behind the scenes, down at the kitchens or supply room, which was his favorite place. Why?

Hakyeon would often hide in the supply room of the bakery whenever he could. He would excuse himself telling the adults that he wanted to find the ingredients they needed but in reality, he had other motives for being there. He was attracted to the mountains of flour sacks and barrels that towered before him. Each time he opened a new bag of flour, he couldn’t resist his temptations. He reached out his hands and dug inside. There, he took out a handful of flour.

And smeared it all over his face.

Then, he would walk over to the barrels of clear water and look inside. His own reflection.

I look better this way… if only I can remain this beautiful forever.

And he would look at his reflection until he was called up. He couldn’t help but stare at his beautiful skin and fair smile. His ‘ideal’ self.

*   *   *   *   *   *

However, the times he thought he was truly beautiful was only momentarily. Without the flour covering his skin, he hated his reflections the most. He avoided mirrors and glass windows whenever he could. He didn’t want to look at his own tanned skin and physical features that made him feel disgusted.

Why do I look this way? Why am I so different from everyone else? How come I resemble neither mom nor dad? Why… why… why…

Hakyeon would often have this empty feeling inside of him despite the endless love that he received. It wasn’t enough. It didn’t make him feel whole. He felt as if he was still missing a part of him and he hated that feeling the most.

He was empty.

He smiles at others and tried hard to please the adults because he knew, he knew that that’s what grownups like the most. Even if it’s pretentious, adults didn’t care. They liked good children, not ugly ones.

Because of that, expectations for him grew even more. His family was well perceived by the entire town of Pinewoods, and being the only son in the family, all eyes were on him. There were many times when he was tired of helping others, tired of smiling, and tired of everything. He wanted to run away and rebel against everything he’s earned and turn them upside down. The expectations became his pressure and stress that no one knew about. No one knew that their praises and expectations would lead to harming the child.

*   *   *   *   *   *

The Cha Hakyeon that the people of Pinewoods knew of, was merely a façade to satisfy others while covering up his internal wounds. A disguise to conceal his ‘uglier’ self.

He was his own nightmare.

He let others make fun of him because it pleased others and they enjoyed it without realizing the pain they caused each time they made a joke about his skin color. They thought that Hakyeon was strong but he was the easiest to break apart. Hakyeon didn’t know when it started but eventually, others’ remark about his physical appearance and the pain became his own pleasure. The wounds that he enjoyed.

Laugh at me, hate me, as much as I hate myself.

No one knew Hakyeon the way he knew about himself. He was well aware that the thoughts he had were destructive. Yet, he didn’t stop. No. He couldn’t. He was already at the point of no return.

His depression was his very own pleasure. Something about it was oddly satisfying that he didn’t even know how to explain it and his lies created ‘Cha Hakyeon.’

*   *   *   *   *   *

One day, Hakyeon’s mother asked him if he could help the local bookkeeper with some chores because the senior hurt his back and needed assistance. Hakyeon gladly agreed.

“Sure! Leave it up to me!” Hakyeon said as he ran off, seemingly happy.

It’s not like he knew how to say ‘no’ or reject any favor he’s been asked of. If someone asked for help, he would agree, despite how tired or reluctant he really was.

With his small body, he carried books after books to their rightful places. He carried the broom that was taller than himself and swept the floors. He climbed the ladders and wiped the shelves sparkly clean. He was tired but he couldn’t stop, not when the old bookkeeper was watching him. The old man smiled pleasingly at Hakyeon’s hard work and nodded at the boy’s kind gestures. He didn’t know that just by watching Hakyeon, it may it even harder for Hakyeon to stop or rest. Just a little more, Hakyeon kept telling himself.

“Thanks, Hakyeonie. You’re a great help as always. I’m so amazed at what you can do. I’m sure your family is very proud of you.” The man said and gave him a pat on the head. ‘Take a rest and have some of this hot cocoa.’ He offered.

Finally, Hakyeon was able to sit down to rest. His legs were throbbing with pain and his shoulders felt the weight of carrying all those books around despite his small feature. Indeed, adults liked hard working and good children. Who would like lazy ones? Or a depressing child like the real Hakyeon.

As Hakyeon was finally left alone to rest, he let his eyes wandered around the bookstore. He cleaned the place so much despite working alone. There was a moment of self-satisfaction. He was proud of his own work. Just then, something caught his eyes. A book that peeked out behind a shelf. Hakyeon must’ve missed it while he was cleaning up because the book was completely hidden in sight. It was out of place and Hakyeon couldn’t resist the urge to get up and put it back to where it belongs.

As soon as he picked up the book, his body froze by the cover illustration on it. It was as if the book was calling out for him. It had a picture of a boy standing in front of a door.

A boy that looked rather similar to Hakyeon himself. He was curious about the contents of the book and opened it up. He found a spot to sit down and began to read. As he read on, the protagonist of the story resembled Hakyeon even more. It wasn’t his physical appearance that resembled Hakyeon but his inner self. The protagonist hated himself. Hate everything from about how he looked, how he talks, and even how he thinks. Hakyeon because engrossed by the story and continued to read on.

The protagonist of the story came across a door that did not open, yet it was so mysterious that the boy’s curiosity kept bringing him back to the place where the door laid. Soon, the protagonist heard a sound from the other side. He became friends with the ‘voice’ behind the door.

The voice that the protagonist met was actually his other self, his even uglier ‘self.’ He befriended his other self and began talking with it. His friendship with the voice made the protagonist fall in love with who he was because his other self was mean and cruel. The protagonist was nothing like that. He may be negative but definitely not mean. Not to the point of destruction, yet. Seeing his other self, creating chaos and destruction, mischief and lies, the protagonist learned a very important lesson. To not do the things his uglier self did. The more he hated the voice that he befriended, the more the protagonist grew to accept who he was.

If only I could meet my other self… maybe I won’t have to feel this way anymore either.

Maybe, just maybe, Hakyeon’s ‘uglier’ half was somewhere else in this world, that he has yet to meet. He began to believe that he was the good half of who he was and that uglier half of Cha Hakyeon was somewhere else. If so, that could explain why he constantly feels so empty inside despite having so much to be complete.

I’m not the worst. You are. I’m not ugly. You are.

He tells himself every night while finally accepting to look at his ‘reflection’ in front of a mirror before he went to bed. His reflection wasn’t him, but his other self. That’s what he believed.

*   *   *   *   *   *

Hakyeon has always told himself that his uglier self existed somewhere in the world, that he has yet to find. Until one day, he decided to challenge himself to the kids of Pinewoods and accepted a dare. A dare to the eerie woods on the furthest end of town. As cowardly as he really is, others believed that he was brave and not all talks. He wanted to ‘prove’ something to the other kids, that he was indeed the big brother of Pinewoods. A role model, not a scaredy cat.

He wanted to boast about his trip to the woods after going through it and back. He wasn’t scared. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself. But everything scared him, even when he accidentally stepped on a branch, he would flinch and tremble. The trees were so tall that it felt like he was being swallowed whole the further he walked through. Soon, his fear made him stumble into a cave by accident. That was when he discovered the ‘door.’

He thought it was quite ridiculous at first that a door would exist in the middle of nowhere. And even stranger, it was a door that could not be opened because there was no handle. But he recalled the story he had read before.

He thought of something silly.

Maybe my other half is on the other side. Just like the boy in that story. A voice of my ugly self.

So, he took his bet.

One knock.

Two knocks.

*   *   *   *   *   *

Hakyeon knew that he was being persistent since day one that he met Taekwoon. He called the voice he heard from the other side of the door, his lifelong friend. But in reality, the voice was a way for Hakyeon to believe that he had a place to go, a place where he could forget about everything else except loving himself. After all, the voice belonged to his uglier self.

He never once believed that the voice who called himself, Jung Taekwoon, was real in the beginning. Hakyeon only thought of it as a fragmentation of his delusions. His desperation for self-loved created Taekwoon. The quiet and mysterious Taekwoon who never talked about himself and only listened quietly to Hakyeon’s stories from time to time. Hakyeon didn’t mind. It was a way for him to talk about how much he ‘loved’ who he was. Not how much he ‘hated’ himself in reality. He saw how Taekwoon was lonely and didn’t have much to talk about nor any friends besides Hakyeon or even his dog, Hyuk. At least, Hakyeon had friends. Unlike the lonely Jung Taekwoon.

But Hakyeon didn’t know exactly when it began, that he started to have slight hopes for his ‘imagination’ of Jung Taekwoon to be real. That Taekwoon’s existence wasn’t just a fantasy that he created.

However, when Taekwoon called him a fool and fought with him about his marriage with Soo-ah, Hakyeon wanted to deny the truth that came out from the other side. It was as if Taekwoon was able to read Hakyeon’s mind even though the two have never met. Hakyeon was angry at the truth being spilled out. He told Taekwoon that he wanted to sever their friendship forever and ran away.

However, Hakyeon was a coward. He had no place to go to but the secret place where Jung Taekwoon existed. He was afraid of losing Taekwoon. He broke off the only bond that he had with his delusion and lost the very place that was his sanctuary. He no longer had a place to go and was afraid to go back. Until that day…

“Hakyeon-ah.”

A tall, lean and pale boy called Hakyeon in a rather strange yet familiar way.

“It’s… Taekwoon. Jung Taekwoon.” He said.

He was real. He was not just a fantasy that was created from Hakyeon’s delusions.

The Jung Taekwoon that Hakyeon finally met was different from how he had envisioned him to be. The other was taller and paler yet he was gentle and sincere. He had eyes that looked as if he could pierce into your heart and read your mind. Hakyeon often found himself trying to avert Taekwoon’s eyes so that the latter could not see what he was really thinking. And whenever Taekwoon smiled or even sang, Hakyeon felt as if Taekwoon really came out from a fairy tale.

He became too perfect for Hakyeon to hold onto. Hakyeon was afraid that the more he loved his ‘other self,’ the more he would want to destroy it. Because Taekwoon was beautiful and Hakyeon was ugly. He’s always told himself that Taekwoon was his uglier self, a scapegoat to making himself feel better about who he was until he actually met his friend. His love for Taekwoon was too dangerous and he felt it. Hakyeon thought that Taekwoon was able to complete his missing half but he was wrong. He felt even emptier than before and he couldn’t handle it.

He knew that breaking up with Taekwoon caused the other to hate him and was very heartbroken. Hakyeon cried nights and nights, hating himself even more than he did for many years but it was the only thing that Hakyeon could do in order to not break Taekwoon apart. He had to let go before it was too late.

A/N

We are going to move onto the next arc of the story which is 5 years later after Taekwoon goes back to the Underworld with Soo-ah. From here on out, is a new beginning of this fanfiction so please don't give up and continue reading please. I promise it's going to be worth the adventure. 

I'm not THAT much of a sadist to leave you guys sad and hanging okay? Have faith in me :D

This chapter was a side story to Hakyeon's past before and during his meeting with Taekwoon. It is also suppose to help explain for Hakyeon's strange behaviors and decisions. Every smile has a story to it and this side story was about Hakyeon's.