I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Why the hell can’t I just leave and ignore him. Why? Is this a curse or something? What did I freakin do in my past life to deserve this. I can’t even freely do what my heart desires, this is too cruel and inhumane. I know it’s my fault. It’s all my fault for falling in love with my best friend, but I never meant any of this to happen. I hated him, I really did, I seriously hated everything about him, I hated how different the two of us are, how perfect he is at everyone’s eyes, how dashing and nice he is inside and how caring and lovely he can be at times, I hated them all but, in the end, I fell in love, which was really stupid and selfish, I mean loving him secretly like that. To be honest, I’ve thought of the solution a lot of times already, I knew it before then that the only way for me not to feel like this was to kill my feelings for him, to bury it deep down my heart where I’d never find or feel it ever again but I just didn’t want to let go of him, I didn’t want to let go of this sweet feelings, the feeling that makes me feel alive in this lonely world, but at the other hand I was also scared as hell for him to know about this secret of mine, and all my life I pretended that I was okay... that BEING FRIENDS IS ENOUGH for me…..but I guess It won't ever be enough..

--//

“Chanyeol-ah, you need to eat and fill your stomach so that you can drink your medicine.” I said with a soft voice, as I lightly shake his body under the covers. “Mmmm.” I heard him groan in disapproval as I grab the bowl of porridge to cool it down. After hearing him, I immediately placed the bowl down and grabbed the covers, revealing his curled-up body on the bed. “You do know that you don’t have a chance but to eat this right? Do you want me to break you further?” I said, threatening him a bit so that he would listen to me. A low and weak chuckle then came out from his lips, bringing a bit of color to his face. “You always say that. You haven’t change. I’m glad.” He said, smiling a bit as he slowly look at me. I didn’t know how to react to that statement but I just shrugged him off and smiled a bit before releasing a sigh. “Just eat okay? I’ll cool it for you.” I said, changing the topic as I seat on the edge of the bed before grabbing the bowl of porridge to cool it down for him to eat. “Ne.” He said, seating up slowly before leaning at the bed head board.

 I know you’re all confused as to how I ended up in this state so, I’m going to explain how all of this happened. Back at the library a while ago, I was really planning to just leave him there after giving him some medicine and my half-eaten sandwich but, after seeing him like that, I just can’t force myself to abandon him when he needed me the most. I didn’t really wanna get involved with him, I was trying to but, my inner self just won't let me so, I initiated to take him home.

“What’s wrong?” Chanyeol asked, staring at my zoned-out face. I then looked back at him, as I realize I was still holding the bowl of porridge. “Ah- Nothing… Here, it’s not that hot anymore you can eat it now.” I said, handing the bowl to him. After having him feed himself, I then stood up to grab the plate on the coffee table, along with the knife and melon that were on top of the plate. “Melons? You know me well huh?” Chanyeol said, smiling widely at me. “I know you’d eat them even if your eyes were closed so that’s why.” I said, as I continue to peel the melon beside him.

The two of us didn’t really know what to talk about, well for sure I won’t know what to say or talk about, but for Chanyeol to stay quiet when we’re together is seriously new. Well it would sure be very awkward to just talk to me like nothing happened back then. “I’m done.” He suddenly said, startling me a bit. I then stood up and retrieved the bowl from him, placing it back on the table. “Do you want to eat the melons before taking your medicine or do you want to take the medicine first?” I asked, not knowing what I should do. “Pffft. Why are you suddenly panicking? I’m fine with both.” He said, reading my face. “Uh. Yeah. I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee these days so that must be why I’m acting like this.” I said, finding an excuse so that he’d stop looking at me. After responding I then placed his medicine on the plate where the melons are placed, so that he could decide by himself. I handed the plate to him after setting everything, also handing him the bottle of water to rehydrate himself. “Thanks.” He said, reaching for the plate and bottled water with both of his hands. After handing it to him I then stood up to clean the melon peels on the table and throw it on the trash can next to the door. “I feel so happy right now.” Chanyeol said out of the blue, startling me again. I then turned my head at the side to look at him with a confused face. “Eh?” I said, looking at him blankly. “I said, I am happy.” He said, smiling at me with his gummy smile, which I haven’t seen for a while. “I am so happy I got so sick that I couldn’t even walk straight, I’m so happy that I looked so pitiful in front of you that you didn’t have the heart to refuse and ignore me. I’m so happy that you’re the one who found me and came to my rescue. I’m so happy that you’re still the same all those time and lastly, I’m so happy that you’re wasting your time to take care of me right now when you should be resting. To be honest, I could die right now from this happiness I am feeling.” He said, looking at me intently with those big and sincere eyes of him. A small chuckle then escaped from my lips, feeling happy and suffocated at the same time. I know it’s a small thing between two childhood friends, but is it so wrong for those words to make me feel happy and contented? To make my heart flutter, to make me believe that somehow there’s a chance for my love to be answered? Is that so wrong? I know it is. It’s wrong. It’s wrong to expect and believe in things that won’t ever happen. “I’m not worth dying for tho but if it’s you dying, it’ll be better if I die first.” I said, giving him a weak smile as I stay glued on my place. His eyes then widened at my statement not knowing what to say, his smile fading away as his eyes starts to close. “I forgot to tell you that the medicine will make you drowsy and sleepy. You should sleep okay?” I said, walking towards him with a smile on my face. “Mmm.” He said, as I tuck him on his bed smiling like a fool at his cute sleeping face. “I am happy too. Thank you.” I half whispered before leaving the room.

Any comments? Write it down below please! I love reading comments every time I update cus it inspires me a lot! So please? It doesn’t have to be a good one! Anything’s fine HAHAHHAA. Thank youuu I love you guys! X byeee