[R] Little Red Riding Jihoon
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By: _Miss_Right_
Poster
-
Information
► Genre(s):
• Parody
► No. of Chapters:
• 1 Chapter
► Story Status:
• Completed
► Category:
• One-shot
► Total: 069 / 100
• Parody
► No. of Chapters:
• 1 Chapter
► Story Status:
• Completed
► Category:
• One-shot
► Total: 069 / 100
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The Review
• Title: 008 / 010
The title is simple and it is, of course, related to the description and the story. However, it isn't too spectacular and reader's might just predict the whole plotline just from the title itself since it came from the original reference 'Little Red Riding Hood'. That could be either a strong point and a weak point depending on how the reader sees it. But for me, since I'm a total er for fairytales, so it definitely is a strong point for me
• Description / Foreword: 015 / 020
I like how you inform the readers that this story is a retold story of a Grimm Brother's Tale. Many authors wouldn't mention the original author of the story that they took reference from and just state the title of the story. So, that's a defnite plus point.
The description wasn't bad. It was just two sentences, and it's actually pretty informative since you tell us what the story revolves around in one, and how 'wacky' you are in another. However, instead of chucking all the 'information' in one sentence and separating it with commas, it's best to seperate them into sentences because there are way too many information in that one sentence.
• For Example:
Original: The retold classic tale revolves around a smol child, an ill grandfather, an emo wolf, a piece of chicklen, and a stolen guitar that really really loves itself to get stolen.
Fixed: This is a retell of a classic tale that revolves around a smol child, an ill grandfather and an emo wolf. It is also revolves around a piece of chicken and a stolen guitar, that really really loves to get itself stolen.
I've separated the sentence into two and instead of putting italics on loves, I think it would be better to focus more on the second really. It would put more emphasis on how the guitar really likes to get itself stolen.
And I don't think there's a need to put the two words, 'Finale's out!' because I honestly didn't understand what it was suppose to tell the readers.
• Appearance: 003 / 005
The poster is too simple so it's not really eye catching to the readers.
• Plot: 014 / 020
The plot is there, I can see the flow of the story. However, there are a lot of plotholes.
For example, in paragraph 1, you wrote that his grandfather had given him a guitar, and you suddenly mentioned that it is a guitar that may have been stolen from Jisoos. You should tell the readers that his grandfather is willing to do anything just to give the smol boy gifts, and had even went as far as to steal a guitar.
Paragraph 5, why did Minghao needed to hide from Jisoos?
Paragraph 7, you mentioned 'those idiots', but who exactly are you referring to? The wolves? How exactly did 'those idiots' kept Jisoos' and Yoon's attention away from the smol boy? And what exactly did 'those idiots' steal from Jisoos?
Paragraph 9, what answer did he exactly come to know just by hearing the wolf's voice?
Paragraph 13, you mentioned in paragraph 6 that he had never actually seen the 10:10 wolf in real life before, so how does he know that this wolf is different from the 10:10 wolf?
The third last paragraph, it got me completely confused. From the start to the end, I had no idea who Jisoos was except for the fact the the original owner of the guitar was Jisoos. And is Jisoos a friend or a foe to memegyu? Because you made it seem like Jisoos was his friend when he talked to Mingyu on the phone, but after that, you made him seem like a foe because you made it seem like it was a good thing to actually steal from Jisoos.
So, those are the main plotholes I saw, you might want to do some editing in that.
• Characters: 014 / 020
This might sound harsh but I could see little to no character development in the story maybe because it's a one-shot story. So, I'm just going to talk and rate on how you portrayed the characters. You portrayed the character finely well to be honest.
The smol boy is actually proud to be called smol. And I could see that he's always full of himself. And Memegyu is a clumsy wolf that pretends to be oblivious and ignorant because he has an ulterior motive.
So, I see no problems in how you portray the characters. But you could maybe elaborate more on the action scenes and dialogues so that the readers would have a better understanding of the characters you are trying to portray.
• Grammar:: 005 / 010
However, you can try to improve your grammar, or ask for a beta-reader to help you with your grammar in the story. The tenses used were pretty much okay, there isn't much tenses problem in your story, except for some. Anyway, here are some sentences that I can fix for you.
Original: He would spoil the boy by giving him gifts
Fixed: He would spoil the boy with gifts
Original: which he maybe have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth, because it looked like Jisoos didn't notice it being stolen
Fixed: which he may have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth.
Original: people began to dub him "Smol Red Riding Hood"
Fixed: people began dubbing him as the "Smol Red Riding Hood"
Original: Ever since then, he wasn't seen without the riding hood.
Fixed: Since then, he wouldn't be seen without the red riding hood.
You can either get your story proofread or get get a beta-reader to fix the grammars for you.
• Writing Style: 006 / 010
I don't see much of a problem in your writing style. It's easy to understand. But it'll be so much better if you could actually write down more on how the character feels. Be more specific.
For example, "What are you waiting for? Go! I gotta hide from Jisoos!" He exclaimed, sounding a little panicked before exiting through the window.
This is one example, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying right? Hahahah.
And please prevent putting sentences in a bracket. Try to fit the sentence into the same sentence, because it doesn't fit so well with me. I don't really like sentences in a bracket.
Example: even a guitar (which he may have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth, because it looked like Jisoos didn't notice it being stolen)
Fix: even a guitar which he may have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth.
• Personal Satisfacton: 004 / 005
I like the idea of a remake of a little red riding hood It brings me back to my childhood days. But this story is too much of a cliche.
However I really did enjoy reading this story, there was slight humor in it. I really did not expect the part where the grandfather passed out from listening to lame jokes. That literally had me laughing. Hahahahha!
The title is simple and it is, of course, related to the description and the story. However, it isn't too spectacular and reader's might just predict the whole plotline just from the title itself since it came from the original reference 'Little Red Riding Hood'. That could be either a strong point and a weak point depending on how the reader sees it. But for me, since I'm a total er for fairytales, so it definitely is a strong point for me
• Description / Foreword: 015 / 020
I like how you inform the readers that this story is a retold story of a Grimm Brother's Tale. Many authors wouldn't mention the original author of the story that they took reference from and just state the title of the story. So, that's a defnite plus point.
The description wasn't bad. It was just two sentences, and it's actually pretty informative since you tell us what the story revolves around in one, and how 'wacky' you are in another. However, instead of chucking all the 'information' in one sentence and separating it with commas, it's best to seperate them into sentences because there are way too many information in that one sentence.
• For Example:
Original: The retold classic tale revolves around a smol child, an ill grandfather, an emo wolf, a piece of chicklen, and a stolen guitar that really really loves itself to get stolen.
Fixed: This is a retell of a classic tale that revolves around a smol child, an ill grandfather and an emo wolf. It is also revolves around a piece of chicken and a stolen guitar, that really really loves to get itself stolen.
I've separated the sentence into two and instead of putting italics on loves, I think it would be better to focus more on the second really. It would put more emphasis on how the guitar really likes to get itself stolen.
And I don't think there's a need to put the two words, 'Finale's out!' because I honestly didn't understand what it was suppose to tell the readers.
• Appearance: 003 / 005
The poster is too simple so it's not really eye catching to the readers.
• Plot: 014 / 020
The plot is there, I can see the flow of the story. However, there are a lot of plotholes.
For example, in paragraph 1, you wrote that his grandfather had given him a guitar, and you suddenly mentioned that it is a guitar that may have been stolen from Jisoos. You should tell the readers that his grandfather is willing to do anything just to give the smol boy gifts, and had even went as far as to steal a guitar.
Paragraph 5, why did Minghao needed to hide from Jisoos?
Paragraph 7, you mentioned 'those idiots', but who exactly are you referring to? The wolves? How exactly did 'those idiots' kept Jisoos' and Yoon's attention away from the smol boy? And what exactly did 'those idiots' steal from Jisoos?
Paragraph 9, what answer did he exactly come to know just by hearing the wolf's voice?
Paragraph 13, you mentioned in paragraph 6 that he had never actually seen the 10:10 wolf in real life before, so how does he know that this wolf is different from the 10:10 wolf?
The third last paragraph, it got me completely confused. From the start to the end, I had no idea who Jisoos was except for the fact the the original owner of the guitar was Jisoos. And is Jisoos a friend or a foe to memegyu? Because you made it seem like Jisoos was his friend when he talked to Mingyu on the phone, but after that, you made him seem like a foe because you made it seem like it was a good thing to actually steal from Jisoos.
So, those are the main plotholes I saw, you might want to do some editing in that.
• Characters: 014 / 020
This might sound harsh but I could see little to no character development in the story maybe because it's a one-shot story. So, I'm just going to talk and rate on how you portrayed the characters. You portrayed the character finely well to be honest.
The smol boy is actually proud to be called smol. And I could see that he's always full of himself. And Memegyu is a clumsy wolf that pretends to be oblivious and ignorant because he has an ulterior motive.
So, I see no problems in how you portray the characters. But you could maybe elaborate more on the action scenes and dialogues so that the readers would have a better understanding of the characters you are trying to portray.
• Grammar:: 005 / 010
However, you can try to improve your grammar, or ask for a beta-reader to help you with your grammar in the story. The tenses used were pretty much okay, there isn't much tenses problem in your story, except for some. Anyway, here are some sentences that I can fix for you.
Original: He would spoil the boy by giving him gifts
Fixed: He would spoil the boy with gifts
Original: which he maybe have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth, because it looked like Jisoos didn't notice it being stolen
Fixed: which he may have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth.
Original: people began to dub him "Smol Red Riding Hood"
Fixed: people began dubbing him as the "Smol Red Riding Hood"
Original: Ever since then, he wasn't seen without the riding hood.
Fixed: Since then, he wouldn't be seen without the red riding hood.
You can either get your story proofread or get get a beta-reader to fix the grammars for you.
• Writing Style: 006 / 010
I don't see much of a problem in your writing style. It's easy to understand. But it'll be so much better if you could actually write down more on how the character feels. Be more specific.
For example, "What are you waiting for? Go! I gotta hide from Jisoos!" He exclaimed, sounding a little panicked before exiting through the window.
This is one example, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying right? Hahahah.
And please prevent putting sentences in a bracket. Try to fit the sentence into the same sentence, because it doesn't fit so well with me. I don't really like sentences in a bracket.
Example: even a guitar (which he may have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth, because it looked like Jisoos didn't notice it being stolen)
Fix: even a guitar which he may have stolen from Jisoos with an unbelievable and impossible stealth.
• Personal Satisfacton: 004 / 005
I like the idea of a remake of a little red riding hood It brings me back to my childhood days. But this story is too much of a cliche.
However I really did enjoy reading this story, there was slight humor in it. I really did not expect the part where the grandfather passed out from listening to lame jokes. That literally had me laughing. Hahahahha!
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Reviewer's Notes / Advices
I see the effort you've put into the story. I was honestly impressed with the vocabulary you used since English isn't your first language. Hahahah! I love the humor you put inside the story. So, that was a plus point for me!
I recommend you to have a beta-reader to read through your story so there wouldn't be as much grammar mistakes and plotholes in the story.
I recommend you to have a beta-reader to read through your story so there wouldn't be as much grammar mistakes and plotholes in the story.
| trxsh | Modified By StoicBread |
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