Reviewed By: StoicBread
Date Requested: August 31, 2016
Date Finished: September 2, 2016

 

Information

► Genre(s):
     • Angst
     • Slice of Life
     • MentalDisorder!AU

► No. of Chapters:
     • 1 Chapter

► Story Status:
     • Completed

► Category:
     • Oneshot

► Total: 080 / 100

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

The Review

    • Title: 008 / 010

Upon reading the title You Don't Understand, it already brings that kind of Angst feel and a little bit of Romance feel. So it fulfills its purpose of being angsty. The title is somewhat eye-catching, as it doesn't fall in the category of the cliche ones. I can also say that it's kinda(?) unique, but not exactly fully. Like when I searched it on Google, it didn't show up like I expected it to be. There were similar and almost similar titles such as this, but they're not story titles but rather, chapter titles so it's safe to say that it's half unique.

I honestly have no problems with the title as it shows connection to the story especially when it was emphasized at the ending of the said story.

    • Description / Foreword: 015 / 020

The Description's satisfactory in my opinion if you are going to remove the following sentence: Here's a sneak peak of his life and how he thinks. Why? Well, because I find it repetitive. I mean, you already described Taehyung's life with the following sentences: His heart was filled with anger. There were little love and little happiness. No one undestands him except for his psychopathic friend, Jimin. The unfairness of his life.

For the readers, that's already the sneak peak of his life. And one thing I find problems with it is because the sentence Here's a sneak peak of his life and how he thinks is a form of Telling which is unpreferable to some readers (especially the in-depth readers) as it kills the purpose of Showing (which is 100x better than Telling) and the opportunity to show your skills in Descriptive Writing. Your first paragraph of the Description uses the technique of Showing whilst the second one uses the technique of Telling. If you are still confused, as I was when I read my review again and said to myself wtf did i just read am i high, just ask and I'll explain it more clearly. So yeah, those are my opinions.

Considering that I have ignored the second paragraph, the whole Description itself has a kind of Angsty feeling, since it shows how hopeless Taehyung is (He knows it very well, but what can he do?). And it also gives off some kind of anger in it, as supported by the sentence ...where people like you don't understand and that fact that you is emphasized. It's like telling us, the readers, that you don't understand (his situation, the unfairness of life, etc.) so you don't have the right o judge or something like that which enhances the intended Angst of the story. It doesn't reveal any important or not plot details which made it seemed more secretive; not that it's a bad thing. It's quite the opposite because it arouses the reader's curiousity and catches their attention, though not very strong for me.

The Foreword's okay, but it's slightly messy for me? Put on some headings for like, Author's Note, Author's Warning, etc. Maybe in the form like this:
 

---

Author's Notes / Notes / Whatever lol

Hello~ This story revolves around someone very close to my heart and I don't know... I really wanted to share it somewhere, somehow.....

Yes I used V cause he's my bias let it be :P

Warning

Swearing, lots of anger, mental disorder(?)

You have been warned.

---

I can read it just fine in mobile and computer.

    • Appearance: 003 / 005

Since the story doesn't have any poster or background, I'm just going to focus on the font. The font size and style used was the default ones, so it's simple, neat, and easy to read. You didn't seem to use any layout at all.

    • Plot: 018 / 020

The way you start the story and its story chain events were interesting as you effectively used such scenes to introduce the characters to the readers. In each scene, you managed to shed some light about the characters' personalities, feelings, and their traits. Like for example, in the very first pizza scene, you showed Taehyung's high competence. There were however, some scenes which I find unrealistic which I'm going to explain later.

Second, just by the first paragraph of your story, the story already showed Angst, fulfilling its purpose. The plot also fulfilled its purpose of being a sneak peak of Taehyung's life, as the scenes in the story were not really linked together chronologically.

Also I would like to mention about a scene which may or may not be intended to be interpreted that way. It's the scene where they talk about Jimin's dog. The said dog was chasing a butterfly which symbolizes hope and life, or more specifically, youth. In addition to that, Jimin also suspects that his dog has cancer.

I see what you did there ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Anyway, I also think that out of the scenes in the story, this has the most strongest Angst, evokes the feeling of Angst stronger than the other scenes, and the most meaningful one, as if it implies something. In my own interpretation, the dog chasing the butterfly symbolizes that don't ever, ever give up on life even if you're broken. Oh, if only Taehyung can see it... It's as if saying that have hope, because even a dog has hope that things will get better.

    • Characters: 015 / 020

Ah, here's where things get more serious for it tackles the serious topics of mental disorders which are ADHD and Psychopathy / Sociopathy. When writing a story about sensitive topics such as the ones mentioned above, it should be based on the real symptoms and not made-up ones. In this case, your story fulfills most of the symptoms.

Let's start with Jimin's character. A sociopath's traits are summarized here. Some of the typical sociopath traits are not possesed by Jimin (lying; I've never read anything that imples that, similar traits to a criminal). However, he possesed the traits such as stealing (he stole the spray cans), lack of remorse / guilt (when he outright told Taehyung face-to-face that he only cares about his dog), impulsivity (back to the stealing stuff), easily bored (I'm bored. And this school .) lack of empathy (towards people), and other similar traits. Since he doesn't posses any other severe traits of a sociopath, I think his psycopathy is mild. Therefore, his role as a sociopath is fulfilled well.

Now let's move onto Taehyung. At first, I thought that his ADHD is just the typical ones, but after researching for some bit, I found out that he also has an Anxiety Disorder that affects 50% of the ADHD people. There are some particular common traits of an ADHD person that Taehyung does not posses, such as Hyperactivity, Impulsivity, Poor Memory, Difficulty remembering things, has trouble staying organized (I honestly haven't seen this one scene), doesn't pay attention to details, and some others(?). Please know that I am not a professional psychiatrist, but I think the Hyperactivity is excused since he has an Anxiety Disorder.

Secondly, let's go to the traits that he posses. Easily distracted (the pigeon scene), high competency (the very first scene in the beginning), mild impulsivity (the Chinese woman scene)... and those are the only traits that I find about him. There are some flaws in his character, especially that you missed the certain common ones like excessive talking, hyperactivity, impulsivity that really define an ADHD person. For example in Impulsivity, ADHD people tend to say the wrong things at the wrong time, and you could have shown it in the Chinese woman scene. An ADHD person would not hesitate to argue the first time he sees the Chinese woman; they might even cause a scene because their competency is very high, meaning they won't back down from a challenge. Now without these traits, I feel like he just suffers from an Anxiety Disorder.

Third, I find his circumstantial memory unrealistic. The memory of an ADHD person is quite the opposite one on what you gave to Taehyung. It's called photographic memory that really doesn't exist or proven by science in real life. Sure, I would let it slide if he could just remember the things visually or audioty as real-life people have a form of recalling things whether what they say, act, or see. However, no such person could achieve such feat, where he could remember all his memories, visually and auditory. Okay, consideration; I would let it slide if Taehyung doesn't have ADHD. But the problem is, he has. In reality, ADHD people have problems recalling things, following instructions, paying atttention to details, easily distracted, and the like. So there's the fault in Taehyung's part. But on the bright side, you portrayed his character good :)

    • Grammar:: 008 / 010

(To be fair, I judged from the story before I proofread it). There are some minor grammatical errors such as misplaced words and misplaced conjunctions, but other than that, the grammar is good and isn't really that noticeable, albeit many.

    • Writing Style: 008 / 010

Sentence structuring is okay, as I find no problems with it. The sentences were mostly simple sentences, compund sentences, and occasionally complex ones, so they're easier to undersatnd and simply made.

The Descriptive Writing, albeit, not much used ith fancy words, is effective and good. I can imagine the scenes (like the pigeon and the elders scene) very clearly with such simple words. You also managed to evoke emotions with your writing style which I love! However, you could have used Descriptive Writing in scenes such as the bus scene, the family tradition scene, etc.

I also observed that you mainly focused more on the characters' surroundings rather than the characters' emotions. Like in this scene:

Taehyung was walking to the bus stop like any other day. He was third in line in the queue. The bus came thirty minutes later, already having a long line behind him. Taehyung walked up the stairs only to have a huge, fat middle age woman standing right in front of him.

The line behind him starting talking. They were annoyed. The woman was standing at the top of the staircase and was blocking everyone who wanted to move to the empty bus.

They were annoyed uses the technique of Telling rather than Showing. It could have been something like: Their faces contorted with anger evidenced by the deep scowls, comical fumes escaping their ears while firmly crossing their arms over their chest. By changing it to Showing, one can imagine it clearer. As you read the excerpt above, can you imagine the people scowling, eyebrows crossed, and smiles turned upside down? Do you see fumes escaping their ears like in cartoons when a character is angry?

Also, some dialogues are anonymous, because it's hard to tell who's really speaking the dialogue.

"I never back down from a challenge!" Taehyung laughed as he his hands cleaned, giving the messy haired boy a thumbs up. Jimin rolled his eyes and called his domestic helper to clean up the table. The bespectacled boy smiled and took out a stack of papers.

"I'm gonna go to the mental hospital, wanna come?"

"Errr."

"My GPA is 3.35 but I'm way smarter than that so I'm doing the IQ test so I can show to whatever university I want to get into that I'm smarter than whatever shows."

"I wanna know how smart I am too." Jimin took out his wallet and took out a few fifty dollar notes.

"You think this is enough to pay for the test or do I need more?"

"Rich bastard.... The full report thing is like eight hundred bucks." Taehyung adjusted his spectacles and looked grudgingly as Jimin took out, even more, fifty dollar notes.

So... who said:

"I wanna know how smart I am too."

"Errr."

"My GPA is 3.35 but I'm way smarter than that so I'm doing the IQ test so I can show to whatever university I want to get into that I'm smarter than whatever shows."

"You think this is enough to pay for the test or do I need more?"

I also see that you used some literary techniques such as:

Anaphora (repetition of words / phrases to evoke emphasis):

He would die when Jimin finally finishes his diploma after dropping out of high school two years ago. He would die when his parents are able to live in comfort even without his money. He would die when his younger siblings are self-sufficient. He would die when the world is no longer in need of him and he doesn't owe anyone anything.


    • Personal Satisfaction: 005 / 005

Such a sweet, good ol' angst story <3 I can definitely see this oneshot to become a possible multi-chaptered story! I enjoyed reading the story and I hope that it has a sequel :)
 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////