[R] The Commitment
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By: kwon88im
Poster
Extremely sorry for the long wait- thank you so much for your patience! ^_^
Information
► Genre(s):
• Angst
• Drama
• Romance
• Yuri
► No. of Chapters:
• 10 Chapters
► Story Status:
• Completed
► Category:
• Multi-Chaptered
► Total: 073 / 000
• Angst
• Drama
• Romance
• Yuri
► No. of Chapters:
• 10 Chapters
► Story Status:
• Completed
► Category:
• Multi-Chaptered
► Total: 073 / 000
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The Review
• Title: 007/ 010
'The Commitment' isn't really an eyecandy for a title. If I were to search for a story and see it, I would normally scroll down. It doesn't really have that 'alluring factor'. It's just not a title that I can remember easily.
However, 'The Commitment' is pretty much relevant to your story, as it is the reason why the story started and had ended. It has a nice meaning into it and I like how your characters brought it to life.
• Description / Foreword: 016 / 020
The description is good and is written well. It didn't gave out too much but did not give less- it gave enough for us readers to consume yet remain curious. The only problem I had with it is the grammatical errors, but we'll get on with that on the grammarization section.
Now, the foreword. I pretty much don't like forewords that tells of the characters role (though I do it myself as a writer, but as a reader I don't like it that much). I rather let my imagination spark the best of me and find out what their jobs are as I read the story. On the positive note, your foreword is neatly arranged. The credits are there and the links are not scattered in places, and there were excerpts of reviews, which looks pretty much professional.
• Appearance: 003 / 005
I like how you kept your background simple as I've noticed you have different posters with excerpts or quotes in every chapter. I also like how you did it, it gives us the vibes that we should feel and it makes me smile. The poster is simply well done but I'm no graphic artist to judge that.
I like how you kept the font and size simple. I just had problems with the colors. Instead of changing the font color when you're going to paste an excerpt, why not try italicizing it instead? It'll look more pleasant that way. Also, line breakers are more appreaciated.
• Plot: 015 / 020
The plot somehow goes to a mature side and that's quite fine with me since I need a break from all those highschoolaus. However, the plot is not that refreshing in my opinion. I had read a few stories with similar plots as yours, but that doesn't make your story as common. I would like to say that it's somewhere in between. This might just be me but I think the arrangement of the events are too sloppy.
Your plot isn't really that flexible to all twists so pulling off a plot twist is a risky move and I appreciate the twists that pulled me off the ledge.
• Characters: 015 / 020
Characters is a very important element of your story. Without them, the story cannot move on its own. Thus, this leads me to elaborate and break down your characters.
Let's focus on your main protagonist, Kwon Yuri. Yuri is a hardworking woman who is quite ambitious and in love with Yoona. I could tell that she is smart and she handles her work finely. She is pretty much reckless with her actions and does actions more than thinking at first glance. This girl actually have a horrible past that taunts her. So what am I saying? I basically know nothing than that about Yuri. I need more information. So her parents left her in an early age? How did she go to school? Did she got a part-time job? How did she and Yoona met? What is in Yoona that she love? Is it because she's pretty? Is it because of her personality? Is Yuri more on the boyish or girlish side? I need information. What does Yuri felt when Yoona left aside from killing herself? I need her own thoughts, I need to know what she felt. I just felt like you told me, that's it.
Let's get on with your other protagonist, Yoona. Yoona came from a richer background. She is a ballet teacher. She's the one that wanted the commitment with Yuri. Out of the two girls, I got to hear more about Yoona's thoughts despite of the story focusing more on Yuri. Maybe it's the reason that Yoona is more on making her feelings more felt than Yuri. Whatever it is, I like her character.
Out of your characters, my favorite is Sooyoung. She sounded like a realistic friend, not someone perfect. Albeit of her role, I am quite curious of what happened with her love life. Did she and Jessica got back together? I hope you can answer this question.
• Grammar:: 006 / 010
There were lots of grammatical errors, but I'm sure a proofread will do. I like how it is still understandable, but I can't help but notice your tenses. Words that are suppose to be in past tense are in present tense and vice versa. It would be nice if you can use parallelism. There are also typographical errors present in your story. Then again, like I said earlier, you can just correct that by the use of proofreading. I would suggest this app for proofreading.
• Writing Style: 007 / 010
Your writing style is interesting, but it's missing depth. I felt like you could have pushed that feelings more, like instead of describing the scene clearly, why not try explaining it through the character's actions? That helps. Overall, it's not really that bad and is actually good. I bet it'll even get better in the future.
• Personal Satisfacton: 003 / 005
I am a yuri reader and most of the stories I read is about SNSD, so you can say I anticipated a lot for your story. I like how you went fr the mature style with delicate twists, and I like how the characters seems to communicate in more things than one. We can learn a thing or two about Yuri- that changes are alright. The story's approach is plenty but it all goes to one direction. I'm sure a proofread and a more interesting narration would make this story even better. Personally, I ought that this story shines in its own way.
'The Commitment' isn't really an eyecandy for a title. If I were to search for a story and see it, I would normally scroll down. It doesn't really have that 'alluring factor'. It's just not a title that I can remember easily.
However, 'The Commitment' is pretty much relevant to your story, as it is the reason why the story started and had ended. It has a nice meaning into it and I like how your characters brought it to life.
• Description / Foreword: 016 / 020
The description is good and is written well. It didn't gave out too much but did not give less- it gave enough for us readers to consume yet remain curious. The only problem I had with it is the grammatical errors, but we'll get on with that on the grammarization section.
Now, the foreword. I pretty much don't like forewords that tells of the characters role (though I do it myself as a writer, but as a reader I don't like it that much). I rather let my imagination spark the best of me and find out what their jobs are as I read the story. On the positive note, your foreword is neatly arranged. The credits are there and the links are not scattered in places, and there were excerpts of reviews, which looks pretty much professional.
• Appearance: 003 / 005
I like how you kept your background simple as I've noticed you have different posters with excerpts or quotes in every chapter. I also like how you did it, it gives us the vibes that we should feel and it makes me smile. The poster is simply well done but I'm no graphic artist to judge that.
I like how you kept the font and size simple. I just had problems with the colors. Instead of changing the font color when you're going to paste an excerpt, why not try italicizing it instead? It'll look more pleasant that way. Also, line breakers are more appreaciated.
• Plot: 015 / 020
The plot somehow goes to a mature side and that's quite fine with me since I need a break from all those highschoolaus. However, the plot is not that refreshing in my opinion. I had read a few stories with similar plots as yours, but that doesn't make your story as common. I would like to say that it's somewhere in between. This might just be me but I think the arrangement of the events are too sloppy.
Your plot isn't really that flexible to all twists so pulling off a plot twist is a risky move and I appreciate the twists that pulled me off the ledge.
• Characters: 015 / 020
Characters is a very important element of your story. Without them, the story cannot move on its own. Thus, this leads me to elaborate and break down your characters.
Let's focus on your main protagonist, Kwon Yuri. Yuri is a hardworking woman who is quite ambitious and in love with Yoona. I could tell that she is smart and she handles her work finely. She is pretty much reckless with her actions and does actions more than thinking at first glance. This girl actually have a horrible past that taunts her. So what am I saying? I basically know nothing than that about Yuri. I need more information. So her parents left her in an early age? How did she go to school? Did she got a part-time job? How did she and Yoona met? What is in Yoona that she love? Is it because she's pretty? Is it because of her personality? Is Yuri more on the boyish or girlish side? I need information. What does Yuri felt when Yoona left aside from killing herself? I need her own thoughts, I need to know what she felt. I just felt like you told me, that's it.
Let's get on with your other protagonist, Yoona. Yoona came from a richer background. She is a ballet teacher. She's the one that wanted the commitment with Yuri. Out of the two girls, I got to hear more about Yoona's thoughts despite of the story focusing more on Yuri. Maybe it's the reason that Yoona is more on making her feelings more felt than Yuri. Whatever it is, I like her character.
Out of your characters, my favorite is Sooyoung. She sounded like a realistic friend, not someone perfect. Albeit of her role, I am quite curious of what happened with her love life. Did she and Jessica got back together? I hope you can answer this question.
• Grammar:: 006 / 010
There were lots of grammatical errors, but I'm sure a proofread will do. I like how it is still understandable, but I can't help but notice your tenses. Words that are suppose to be in past tense are in present tense and vice versa. It would be nice if you can use parallelism. There are also typographical errors present in your story. Then again, like I said earlier, you can just correct that by the use of proofreading. I would suggest this app for proofreading.
• Writing Style: 007 / 010
Your writing style is interesting, but it's missing depth. I felt like you could have pushed that feelings more, like instead of describing the scene clearly, why not try explaining it through the character's actions? That helps. Overall, it's not really that bad and is actually good. I bet it'll even get better in the future.
• Personal Satisfacton: 003 / 005
I am a yuri reader and most of the stories I read is about SNSD, so you can say I anticipated a lot for your story. I like how you went fr the mature style with delicate twists, and I like how the characters seems to communicate in more things than one. We can learn a thing or two about Yuri- that changes are alright. The story's approach is plenty but it all goes to one direction. I'm sure a proofread and a more interesting narration would make this story even better. Personally, I ought that this story shines in its own way.
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Reviewer's Notes / Advices
Instead of narrating what's happening directly, try to make some actions make sense to the readers so they'll know what's happening in their own way. I suggest you proofread the chapters as the grammatical errors are an eyesore, and if you have a hard time in doing so, you can just hire a beta-reader. What I look for a story is a simple plot with delicate twists- and your story happened to be just that. Just pushed that feelings more and make your words come to life- and your story will eventually get better and better.
| trxsh | Modified By StoicBread |
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