Reviewed By: noticemesenpai2000
Date Requested: 
Date Finished: Auguest 13, 2016

 

 

Information

► Genre(s):
     • Angst
     • Drama
     • Tragedy
     • Romance

► No. of Chapters:
     • 7

► Story Status:
     • Completed

► Category:
     • Multi-Chaptered

► Total: 067 / 100

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The Review

    • Title: 009 / 010

This is actually a very good title! It's unique, it's catchy and it's creative. I don't think I've seen any stories with a similar title before. It also draws in the reader's curiousity and makes them think, "Oh, what's this about?" I give you major props for thinking it up. I'm not really sure how it relates to the story though.

    • Description / Foreword: 012 / 020

There are a few things I want to point out about your description. First of all, the first two sentences of the first paragraph show absolute certainty, especially with the "in a heartbeat", but then the "Maybe" at the end kinda contradicts that. That may have been your intention in the first place, to portray a sense of confusion, but it just deosn't sit very well with the first two sentences. It might be better if you write it like this:

"If she had the chance to be with him again—even if it was just for a day—maybe she would take it.
Just to see his face again, and be by his side, maybe she'd take him back.
Maybe..."

Secondly, you started the first sentence with "And", which makes it feel like it's a continuation of something. That would have been somewhat alright had you not started the second sentence and the second paragraph with "And" too, making it sound a little too redudant. You could start the first sentence with a "But" instead of an "And". I think that'd work a little better.

Thirdly, the first and third paragraphs are in third person, but the second paragraph is in first person, which can be a little confusing for the reader. It might have been better if you made the second paragraph a dialogue and in italics instead.

 

Lastly, the three paragraphs seemed sort of... detatched. They just don't flow well together. If I were to give you a suggestion, it would be to write a little about the two characters and their relationship with each other, then writing the line, "Little did they know, both of them were going through the Partial Eclipse of Heart." You could then write the "I think the first sign you will notice when you begin to have feelings for someone is just how easily jealous you get when they give others the attention you crave," in the Foreword instead, with quotes and italics, followed by your author's note and credits. But that's just my suggestion.

 

 

   • Appearance: 004 / 005

I absolutely love the poster of this story! It really suits the whole flashback-heavy, kinda sparse and washed out mood of the whole story. The font of choice and font size is decent. Overall the story appearance is pretty good, nothing too mind-blowing but it's neat, clean and easy to read. What more is there to ask for?

    • Plot: 013 / 020

The plot is a little bit overused and cliche. The whole idea of someone adbruptly breaking up with their lover because they have some fatal disease and they think it'll hurt them less if they leave is not particultarly new. There aren't any actual plotholes as far as I can see. The only real twist is the fact that Baekhyun had brain cancer, but it isn't really all that surprising because the reader could kinda predict it.

I think you did an okay job capturing the intended mood of the story. But if I said I wasn't a little annoyed by the very frequent and not far between abrupt cuts to flashbacks in the story, I'd be lying. It kinda ruins the flow of the story, making it feel rather fragmented and all over the place rather than in one streamline motion. Don't get me wrong, that is also a writing style and it might have been your intention in the first place, but it's just not one that I particularly appreciated in this case.

The story itself didn't evoke many emotions in me. Everything just seemed to happen so fast, abruptly cutting off into a flashback before I even had the chance to feel anything. I wouldn't say it was confusing but I will say it was a little cluttered. I never really found myself at the edge of my seat.

As for the ending, well it's your typical happy ending, and it's pretty appropriate for the story. You didn't really clarify on whether or not Baekhyun had the tumor removed though, so it would be nice if you did.

    • Characters: 012 / 020

Well like I said before, the story feels kinda fragmented. The reader doesn't really get the chance to actually get to know the characters and sympathize with them. We get little chunks on how Baekhyun and Taeyeon met and started to like each other and became a couple, but I didn't really find myself taking an actual liking to any of the characters because there just... isn't enough about them. Most of the time I actually found Taeyeon to be kinda annoying and overly-emotional, which is not something you want your readers to think about the protagonist.

It might sound terrible but I don't think it would have affected me that much if Baekhyun had actually died in the end. And that's because the character development wasn't done very well. I didn't really feel that overwhelming love between them either.


    • Grammar:: 009 / 010

The grammar was actually quite good, sans a very few typogrophical errors and inconsistent tenses. But nothing really too major to the point of being annoying to a reader. I'll point some out for you:

(Chapter five)

Original: "...their lips moved in a synchronization motion."

Fixed: "...their lips moved in a synchronized motion."

(Chapter One)

Original: "My friend for five years."

Fixed: "My friend of five years."

    • Writing Style: 006 / 010

Your writing style is alright, if not for being a little vague. You mainly rely on dialogues to convey the emotions but they are not properly described so as to actually make the reader feel something. It's not very descriptive and there aren't many details. There isn't much use of vocabulary either, but that's understandable since you aren't a native english speaker.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that it would be better if you write the dialogues of different characters in separate paragraphs. It's less confusing to know who's talking that way.

That being said you really had some awesome, relatable sentences up your sleeve. Some of the lines I really liked were:

"I realised that thoughts are shadows of our own feelings— always darker, emptier and simpler."

"And I think the first sign you will notice when you begin to have feelings for someone, is just how easily jealous you get, when they give others the attention you crave."

"Do you ever feel and think that you're special to someone but later you see this person being the same with everyone else? It hurts, doesn’t it?"

The last one actually hit me hard and I felt like I could really relate to it. It's always good to make your readers relate because it really helps pull them into your story.

    • Personal Satisfacton: 002 / 005

Overall it was a good effort but I personally didn't enjoy this fanfic that much. I like romance but I also like reading new, original ideas. This idea wasn't very original and it wasn't delivered that well. With a few tweaks here and there it could have definitely been much better. 

 

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