[R] ➻ Beach Romance ➻
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By: DarkJustice | Co-authored by: Silver_Light
Poster
-
Information
► Genre(s):
• Comedy
• Romance
• Fluff
► No. of Chapters:
• 1 Chapter
► Story Status:
• Completed
► Category:
• Oneshot
► Total: 084 / 100
• Comedy
• Romance
• Fluff
► No. of Chapters:
• 1 Chapter
► Story Status:
• Completed
► Category:
• Oneshot
► Total: 084 / 100
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The Review
• Title: 008 / 010
To me, the title's ordinary and straightforward. It doesn't hide any secrets or evoke any emotion. Kind of like when a reader sees it, they'll think Ah, this story's about romance in a beach, right? And it just bluntly tells you that Yes, this is a romance oneshot. Well, yes it does evoke Romance, but it isn't that strong. Though I understand that this is a part of a series, it doesn't quite catch my eye. If you still didn't get the above part, let me explain.
Let's take for example your other story, Dreaming In The Rain. I was surprised when I saw this and clicked it right away, only to find out it didn't have any chapters yetwhy did you let me down huhu. It clearly evokes the emotion of Angst strongly as I began to question these: Is it angst? What was the rain's connection to the story? What was the dream's connection to the story? Is it about romance? And the fact that it has some kind of poetic feel?
For a title simple as yours, I expect stories with the similar titles to appear but none did when I searched it on Google. So it's safe to say that the title is simple yet unique. Also the arrow stuff (➻) in the title didn't really ruin the title's image as I expected it would. On the contrary, I think the arrow stuff (➻) enhance the title's image in my opinion. Adding Office Romance Series in the title also doesn't seem to ruin it at all.
• Description / Foreword: 019 / 020
I find no problems with both the Description and the Foreword as it was all neat and things are just in their right places. The Description is fairly interesting and does reveal an important plot detail, but not much to reveal the whole plot, just bits of it that would make the reader question these things: Oh, is Baekhyun going to be mad at Taeyeon now that she caused trouble? Or just let it slide? What did the ' guys' do to Taeyeon? What happend? Why did Baekhyun left Taeyeon in the first place anyway? and the like.
However, I suggest to change the Description into this: "Kim Taeyeon, I left you for a minute and you managed to attract guys? Cons of having a gorgeous girlfriend."
Or:
"Kim Taeyeon! I left you for a minute and you managed to attract guys? Cons of having a gorgeous girlfriend."
Take your pick. Though I would recommend you the second one.
• Appearance: 004 / 005
The poster, I must say, is very well-made! The texts, the characters, the background, everything! It clearly has a connection with the plot. The bright and various colors of the poster and the background signifies well that it's fluff romance so it catches the atmosphere of the said genres. One thing that I didn't get at first about the poster is the hot air balloons. But I realized that hot air balloon events are held in summer so yeah.
Apart from the poster and backgorund, the fonts are appropriate and easy to read; not too small or not too big either. I can read the story just fine in the mobile version since you didn't use any chapter layouts.
• Plot: 016 / 020
What I can say about the plot is that it's just simple as it doesn't have much of twists and turns, except for Baekhyun's Deus ex Machina and his aggresiveness. The plot's also realistic as it kind of presents itself as a situation rather than a solid oneshot. Like, what would Baekhyun and Taeyeon do in this kind of situation? Of course, Romance ad Fluff would also be involved.
The concept of time also seemed to be lost in the story. What time is it when they arrived at the beach for their honeymoon? Is it morning? Afternoon? Evening? Considering these, it's hard to make assumptions for the following:
At the near end of the story where you implied that they um, made love, what time is it though? I mean, don't get me wrong (I don't have an experience about honeymoons bsh), but isn't making love commonly done during the night? Unless Baekhyun's hastylol or I'm missing something here...
With the concept of time lost, it's confusing... You could've added a scene where the sun sets, or them watching the stars just to remind the readers of the timeAnd to make it more romantic lol why am i so cheesy xD
• Characters: 018 / 020
One thing that I've noticed about your charcaterization technique is that you mainly focus on the characters' actions rather than their emotions / thoughts (not that it's a bad thing). Before that, let's explore the characters' personalities.
Taeyeon, at first glance at her whole character, seems to possess the trait of being innocent, as seen that she doesn't worry about erts seeing her in that swimsuit, her dialogues (I prepared our swim wears, silly), especially the childish ones (Pweaseee.. Taeyeonnie never asks Baekhyunnie for anything...), and the fact that she didn't immediately become aware of the situation with the guys.
Speaking of guys, I first thought that the Ren in the story is Busan man (yeah) Ren from NU'EST. I thought to myself, Wait, did Ren just become an... Australian? Then I realized he's not.
Back to the topic, Taeyeon's innocence proved to be consistent throughout the story especially at the near ending when she begged Baekhyun to stop while crying.
Next is Baekhyun. His character mirrors that of a typical and a bit Gary Stu-ish boyfriend / husband. Protective, aggresive if provoked (seeing how he beat the living sh!t out of that guy), caring towards Taeyeon a.k.a his wife, his England-ness (Bloody!)and has absyeap cant miss those chunky muscles lol. I also see that he can speak English fluently? It's just my assumptions, though, seeing that there aren't any clear implications that he can.
All in all, the characters are not OOC. Though I would advice you to add some characters' thoughts in the story.
• Grammar:: 007 / 010
Okay to be fair, I'm going to judge the story by its Grammar before I have proofread it.
There are some minor mistakes such as wrong spelling of words, missing commas, missing em dashes, missing capitalizations, unnecessary words, and others seem to disrupt the story's flow.
• Writing Style: 008 / 010
I must say, the word choice is simple and easy to understand. I can also clearly imagine the scenes with your way of describing, though there are some missing details, like when they were in the beach, you could've describe the hotness of the sun, the coolness of the water, etc. The repetition of words is moderate so it doesn't disrupt much of the story flow.
• Personal Satisfacton: 004 / 005
Overall, I enjoyed reading the story and the fluff it brought. I look forward to the next series :)
To me, the title's ordinary and straightforward. It doesn't hide any secrets or evoke any emotion. Kind of like when a reader sees it, they'll think Ah, this story's about romance in a beach, right? And it just bluntly tells you that Yes, this is a romance oneshot. Well, yes it does evoke Romance, but it isn't that strong. Though I understand that this is a part of a series, it doesn't quite catch my eye. If you still didn't get the above part, let me explain.
Let's take for example your other story, Dreaming In The Rain. I was surprised when I saw this and clicked it right away, only to find out it didn't have any chapters yet
For a title simple as yours, I expect stories with the similar titles to appear but none did when I searched it on Google. So it's safe to say that the title is simple yet unique. Also the arrow stuff (➻) in the title didn't really ruin the title's image as I expected it would. On the contrary, I think the arrow stuff (➻) enhance the title's image in my opinion. Adding Office Romance Series in the title also doesn't seem to ruin it at all.
• Description / Foreword: 019 / 020
I find no problems with both the Description and the Foreword as it was all neat and things are just in their right places. The Description is fairly interesting and does reveal an important plot detail, but not much to reveal the whole plot, just bits of it that would make the reader question these things: Oh, is Baekhyun going to be mad at Taeyeon now that she caused trouble? Or just let it slide? What did the ' guys' do to Taeyeon? What happend? Why did Baekhyun left Taeyeon in the first place anyway? and the like.
However, I suggest to change the Description into this: "Kim Taeyeon, I left you for a minute and you managed to attract guys? Cons of having a gorgeous girlfriend."
Or:
"Kim Taeyeon! I left you for a minute and you managed to attract guys? Cons of having a gorgeous girlfriend."
Take your pick. Though I would recommend you the second one.
• Appearance: 004 / 005
The poster, I must say, is very well-made! The texts, the characters, the background, everything! It clearly has a connection with the plot. The bright and various colors of the poster and the background signifies well that it's fluff romance so it catches the atmosphere of the said genres. One thing that I didn't get at first about the poster is the hot air balloons. But I realized that hot air balloon events are held in summer so yeah.
Apart from the poster and backgorund, the fonts are appropriate and easy to read; not too small or not too big either. I can read the story just fine in the mobile version since you didn't use any chapter layouts.
• Plot: 016 / 020
What I can say about the plot is that it's just simple as it doesn't have much of twists and turns, except for Baekhyun's Deus ex Machina and his aggresiveness. The plot's also realistic as it kind of presents itself as a situation rather than a solid oneshot. Like, what would Baekhyun and Taeyeon do in this kind of situation? Of course, Romance ad Fluff would also be involved.
The concept of time also seemed to be lost in the story. What time is it when they arrived at the beach for their honeymoon? Is it morning? Afternoon? Evening? Considering these, it's hard to make assumptions for the following:
At the near end of the story where you implied that they um, made love, what time is it though? I mean, don't get me wrong (I don't have an experience about honeymoons bsh), but isn't making love commonly done during the night? Unless Baekhyun's hasty
With the concept of time lost, it's confusing... You could've added a scene where the sun sets, or them watching the stars just to remind the readers of the time
• Characters: 018 / 020
One thing that I've noticed about your charcaterization technique is that you mainly focus on the characters' actions rather than their emotions / thoughts (not that it's a bad thing). Before that, let's explore the characters' personalities.
Taeyeon, at first glance at her whole character, seems to possess the trait of being innocent, as seen that she doesn't worry about erts seeing her in that swimsuit, her dialogues (I prepared our swim wears, silly), especially the childish ones (Pweaseee.. Taeyeonnie never asks Baekhyunnie for anything...), and the fact that she didn't immediately become aware of the situation with the guys.
Speaking of guys, I first thought that the Ren in the story is Busan man (yeah) Ren from NU'EST. I thought to myself, Wait, did Ren just become an... Australian? Then I realized he's not.
Back to the topic, Taeyeon's innocence proved to be consistent throughout the story especially at the near ending when she begged Baekhyun to stop while crying.
Next is Baekhyun. His character mirrors that of a typical and a bit Gary Stu-ish boyfriend / husband. Protective, aggresive if provoked (seeing how he beat the living sh!t out of that guy), caring towards Taeyeon a.k.a his wife, his England-ness (Bloody!)and has abs
All in all, the characters are not OOC. Though I would advice you to add some characters' thoughts in the story.
• Grammar:: 007 / 010
Okay to be fair, I'm going to judge the story by its Grammar before I have proofread it.
There are some minor mistakes such as wrong spelling of words, missing commas, missing em dashes, missing capitalizations, unnecessary words, and others seem to disrupt the story's flow.
• Writing Style: 008 / 010
I must say, the word choice is simple and easy to understand. I can also clearly imagine the scenes with your way of describing, though there are some missing details, like when they were in the beach, you could've describe the hotness of the sun, the coolness of the water, etc. The repetition of words is moderate so it doesn't disrupt much of the story flow.
• Personal Satisfacton: 004 / 005
Overall, I enjoyed reading the story and the fluff it brought. I look forward to the next series :)
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Reviewer's Notes / Advices
My advice for you is that you could've worked on the concept of time to avoid confusion and add a little bit more of the characters' thoughts. Also, feel free to leave criticisms about how I review! Thank you.
| trxsh | Modified By StoicBread |
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