Reviewed By: noticemesenpai2000
Date Requested: 
Date Finished: August 6, 2016

 

Information

► Genre(s):
     • Mystery
     • Tragedy

► No. of Chapters:
     • 1

► Story Status:
     • Completed

► Category:
     • One-shot

► Total: 071 / 100

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The Review

    • Title: 009 / 010

I think your title is pretty good, as far as relevance to the plot and originality goes. I don't think I've seen a story with a similar title before, so kudos to you for being creative! It catches the reader's eye to some extent, and it doesn't give away too much of the plot. 

If I had one negative thing to say, it would be that it isn't particularly interesting, or rather it wasn't to me. I wouldn't see myself clicking on your story if I randomly came across it.

    • Description / Foreword: 012 / 020

Both the description and the foreword are clean and neat. It can be read just fine by mobile users. I  think it would have been more preferable if you put the author's note in the Foreword rather than in the description.

As for the description itself, it's a little redudant. It feels more like an elaboration of the title, which would have been fine if it wasn't unneccessarily long. It just seems to kind of drag on and make the reader lose interest. I get that you're trying to build suspense but one can already somewhat take a guess from the cover and the title. The description doesn't reveal much and it isn't very eye-catching or interesting. You might want to switch to something short and snappy that really grabs the reader's attention instead, rather than a detailed, dragged on elaboration of something the reader can already guess.

    • Appearance: 005 / 005

As far as appearance goes, you did a pretty good job! The poster is absolutely stunning and everything looks neat and clean. The font you used is appropriate and while the font size is rather small, it's okay since the reader can make it larger.

    • Plot: 015 / 020

The plot of this story was definitely interesting. I like the way you slowly brought it about and we gradually  got to know more and more about the protagonist. Is it cliche? A little bit. There are stories that have somewhat similar plotlines but I like that you gave it a twist and made it your own anyway. For example, the swingset idea is definitely new and something I haven't seen before. 

The story does makes sense. Hyuna has multiple personaility disorder. She has two separate personalities, the "dark" Hyuna and the "good" Hyuna, two sides of the same coin. The "dark" Hyuna is the one that murdered her abusive foster parents and beat up those girls who were bullying her. The "good" Hyuna is the more vulnerable, emotional one. I really liked the way you portrayed the two of them, and how you made it seem like they were two separate people until the end. I personally thought maybe they were twins or the "dark" Hyuna was a ghost or something; I didn't guess that she could have DID. You did a great job capturing the intended atmosphere and making the reader curious until the very end.

There aren't any major gaping plot-holes as far as I can see, but the story is missing some details. For example, after she killed her foster parents as a child, what happened to her? How did she live after it? What about her real parents? How did she end up getting adopted? How did she meet her boyfriend? There's a lot of things the reader doesn't know about the protagonist, and that makes it kinda hard for them to sympathise with her. It would be nice if you gave her a little more backstory, maybe some more details of how her parents used to abuse her, and some moments she shared with her boyfriend.

 
The story ended on a rather appropriate note. I get the feeling that now they won't be two separate personalities any more,  but rather the "dark" side and the "good" side of her have merged together into one. It's a little bit of an open ending, but I like to think that the accident gave her chance to live a somewhat normal life now. Or at least that's what I got out of it.

    • Characters: 012 / 020

The only character that gets any actual development is Hyuna. I think overall you did well with uncovering more and more about her gradually, but like I said before, some details are missing. We know she had abusive foster parents, used to be bullied, has a loving boyfriend and a puppy, and some other basic info. But what else? You also didn't elaborate much on how she would cut herself, or why she did it. There was literally only one sentence about it in the entire story.
 

Not to mention, all other characters get essentially no character development at all. The reader knows nothing about her foster parents and her boyfriend. Why were her parents abusive? Was it pure sadism? Or was there a reason for it? Were they drunks? And what about her boyfriend? We don't even know his name, only the fact that he loves her despite her condition and that he's a few years older than her. Remember that if the reader knows nothing about your characters, it's hard to make them feel any emotions from your story. I understand this is just a one-shot but there is still plenty of room for adding details.

    • Grammar:: 009 / 010

I didn't see many problems with your grammar throughtout the story. It's clear you had it proofread. I have only come across very few spelling and punctuation errors and your tenses are mostly consistent. For example, you spelled "despair" as "despaire." Your story is mostly in past tense but there was one sentence where you said "A chill ran down her spine as she comes face to face with the girl." You probably should have used "came" in place of "comes." But it's nothing really major. I suggest you proofread your story again and have spell-check on to correct the very few spelling errors.

    • Writing Style: 006 / 010

Overall your writing style is alright. It's understandable, it's neither too descriptive to the point of being boring nor is it too vague. It's fairly easy for the reader to picture what is going on. There isn't a word or a phrase that really stuck out to me as repetitive. You definitely have a lot of potential as a writer and in many instances throughout this story I could see signs of extensive vocabulary. However, your sentence structure could use some improvement. The way you construct your sentences plays a big role in how you impact your reader and how you make them feel emotions. But don't worry, this is just one of those things that gradually improve over time if you keep reading and writing.

 
For example:

"She stared right through Hyuna with those ghostly eyes as the dish she was holding slipped from her hands and crashed onto the floor with a splintering thump."

In no way is the sound of a dish falling to the floor associated with a "thump", so it was a little off to use that word here. But I can see you didn't want to use "crash" so as to not sound redundant since you used it earlier in the sentence. I suggest you write it like this instead:

"She stared right through Hyuna with those ghostly eyes as the dish she was holding slipped from her hands and fell to the floor with a splintering crash."

Another sentence that sounded a little off to me was "She went black." It doesn't really make much sense when you say it that way. I think it'd be better if you said "Everything  went black," or, "She out," instead.

I'll give you a few more instances on where you can improve your sentences:

Original: "Slowly the memories of the abuse creeped back to her."

Fixed: "Slowly, the memories of the abuse creeped back into her mind."

Original: "The dark circles under the girl's eyes created a hollow effect on her high cheekbones and gave a sharper look to her smooth jawline"

Fixed: "The dark circles under the girl's eyes made her cheeks look hollower and her smooth jawline look sharper."

 

    • Personal Satisfacton: 003 / 005

I actually enjoyed your story, even though this isn't really my favorite genre. It was a nice change of pace for me. It had a nice plot, overall concept and ending. The problem was, it didn't evoke enough feelings in me as a reader, and you have the poor character development and lack of detail and backstory to blame for that. Your sentence structure also needs a little polishing but it doesn't mean it isn't understandable. There is room for improvement, but you definitely have potential.

 

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