PART 12- Goodbye

It is late at night. Jessica have been driving around town for hours non-stop. Her body is already tired but her mind is still filled with so many thoughts of frustrations. She cannot help but constantly remembering Taeyeon’s expression back at the apartment earlier; so full of pain and suffering. How can she do this to her? After all those times she spent trying to earned her trust, it all went down the hole because she couldn’t control her emotions. But, is Jessica to be fully blamed for what had happened? She felt desperate to save Taeyeon. She didn’t want to see the women she loves to be taken away from her. No, not again, she cannot afford to lose someone precious in her life.

Jessica stops at the side of the road. She leans on the car seat before tears suddenly coursed down her cheeks. The emotions inside her burst out. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Jessica cried, as loud as she can as she her hands started violently hitting the steering of her car.

“You’re my big sister! I trust you with all my life.” Krystal said with a bright smile.

That feeling of soft lips caressing Jessica’s as arms wrapped around her neck. The warm, sweet smile on Taeyeon’s face while staring at her as she leaned for another kiss.

Jessica holds her chest so tightly. The feelings filling inside her as each second’s pass by makes her suffocated. Her eyes are blurry from the welled-up tears. Her hands are trembling. Her skin feels cold. Her voice is already hoarse from all the crying and screaming. The idea crosses her mind for her to just kill herself and die alone inside the car. It would have been better for everyone. It is all her fault after all, she thought.

If only she answers the call much earlier, she would have been able to save Krystal. If only she could have been a better older sister, her sister would not have died from suicide and her parents wouldn’t have to suffer from losing their precious daughter. If only she is able to help Taeyeon, they would not have fought in the first place and she would have never broken Taeyeon’s trust.

“Useless. ing useless!” Jessica said under breath as she lowered her head- continuing to cry her heart out.

Hours passes, Jessica could not even remember how long she had cried. All she knows, her body feels really tired from the burst of emotions that night. Her puffy eyes sting in pain after a long time she spent crying earlier. She feels stuffy inside the car. She opens up the compartment box and searches for any cigarettes she may have left inside in which she found one. She opens the car’s door and steps outside- slightly shaken by the sudden cold breeze hitting her.

Jessica looks around. She found herself to be at the bridge. She could not even remember the places she had went since she was just mindlessly driving. Once she leans her back on the car’s door, Jessica lit up the cigarette in between her fingers. The scent of tobacco lingers around as Jessica continues to smoke silently. Just letting the nicotine to enter her body. The long, white colored cigarette soon becomes shorter and shorter, almost reaching the end of it. A sigh escapes the woman’s lips. “This is not enough.” She told herself.

“Yeah, it’s not.” Jessica flinches upon hearing a familiar voice replying to her. She turns around to see none other than Tiffany walking towards her. “Took me hours to finally track you down.” She casually stood next to Jessica before opening her purse to pull out a box of cigarette to offer to the other woman.

“W-what are you doing here?” Jessica asked in which Tiffany replies. “Why? I can’t look for you? Are you supposed to disappear or something?” She genuinely smiles before taking a cigarette out. The woman lit it up and takes an inhale of the nicotinic smoke. Jessica stays silent; remembering what she did earlier at the apartment was unforgiveable especially for Tiffany whom trusted her to treat Taeyeon’s condition. She wants to run away and just leave her car behind. But her feet feel heavy. Perhaps she did not want to run away. She wanted Tiffany to say something, anything about what happened.

“It’s been a while since I smoke.” Tiffany broke the silent. “I stopped for years only to—be back this thing.” She gazed down on the cigarette on her fingers and chuckled.

Jessica bit her lower lip hard. She cannot take it anymore. The atmosphere suffocates her as guilt begins pilling up inside of her. “I…” She could not finish her words when Tiffany lightly knocks her on the head.

“If you’re worried or feeling bad about earlier, don’t bother. I’m not angry at you.” The woman softly spoke. Jessica is taken aback by Tiffany’s respond. She expected her to slap her or at least scream at her for being like that. Seeing the disbelief on Jessica’s face, Tiffany sighs and takes a few steps away from the car’s door. “Turn off your engines and lock the doors. Let’s take a stroll.” She spoke. Jessica is hesitant at first, but by the looks of it, Tiffany just wants to have a talk with her. She gulps nervously as she locks the car after turning off the engines. She turns to Tiffany who smiles at her. “Shall we?” Both of them start walking side by side.

Tiffany did not particularly say anything. Instead, she just keeps quiet while enjoying the cold breeze of the night. Meanwhile, Jessica is continuously fidgeting her fingers due to anxiousness. She tries her best to keep up with a straight, expressionless face but her emotions refused to not resurface. After walking for quite a while, they see themselves near an empty park next to the river.

“I’m tired. Let’s go sit down over there.” Tiffany goes to the nearby bench. Jessica silently follows her from behind and both of them sit down with a gap between each other. The sounds of crickets and ambience filled their ears. No one utter a word. Well, until Tiffany decides it’s time to speak up.

“I bet you must feel anxious and very much confuse being around me.” Tiffany said.

Jessica lowers her head, her eyes gazing down her laps. “I—I can’t help it. I feel—guilty. I—just—I can’t face all of you after what happened.”

“Didn’t I tell you I am not angry-.” Tiffany could not even finish her words when Jessica suddenly burst out. “It’s more than that!” She tries holding back the tears welling up in her eyes. Oh, she is about to cry again, she thought. She grips onto the cement seat. Her hands started to turn white because she is gripping it too hard. She bites her lower lip in attempt to suppress her tears. It feels like it’s about to bleed soon.

Tiffany only stares at her silently. She is waiting for the person next to her to confess everything. To be honest with her. To say her pain out loud. She is willing to listen to every single one of it. Jessica’s head goes lower that the top almost reaches her thighs. Her hair covering her whole face. She did not want Tiffany to see how vulnerable she looks right now. She shouldn’t be the one to cry and get frustrated when she is the one who caused all of this in the first place.

Taeyeon. Tiffany. Yoona. Yuri. She let them all down. They must be disappointed. There’s no doubt about it. The trust they have for her is no longer there, she thought.

“I—I’m angry at myself. I hate that I can’t do anything to save them both. They trusted me; they see me as someone that will always come to be by their sides. But I am not that person. I’m nothing. Useless. I—don’t deserve to be living and breathing after what happened. Krystal. Taeyeon. I cannot save them both!” Jessica cried. She could no longer held back the tears. Her heart aches so much. It feels like she is stab on the chest multiple times with a sharp knife. It makes her losing her breath.

I ruined everything. That’s the only thing she could think of.

“Hara told us everything.” Jessica slowly turns to look at Tiffany. The woman is no longer smiling nor does she have an expressionless face. In fact, her eyes look sad. Filled with sympathy and pain. Jessica could not understand why her eyes looked like that. “Your past. About what had happened to your sister.”

“I— I don’t want to talk about it.” Jessica quickly replied as her eyes looked away to avoid Tiffany’s gaze.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, then that’s fine.” Tiffany softly spoke, reassuring Jessica she does not have any intention to force her to tell her traumas. “But I do know that not being able to accept our mistakes and forgiving ourselves is not okay.”

Jessica keeps quiet. Tiffany did not utter a word as well. It was complete silence. “Not being to accept your mistakes and forgiving yourself.” How can she forgive herself? Krystal died because she cannot save her. It all started because of her negligence. If she did the right thing, Krystal would have been alive today. She feels like she wants to dug her nails in her skin to bleed herself. The pain from the past does not fade no matter how many years have passed. She might as well die along with pent up guilt inside.

“Did you blame yourself?” Tiffany asked out of the blue. Jessica is still avoiding her gaze. “You know what, maybe it is your fault.” The words trigger Jessica’s swirling emotions and she grabs Tiffany by the collar of her shirt with tears running down her cheeks. Tiffany, however, is not even scared upon seeing Jessica’s fiery, hurtful eyes.

“What? Are you mad? Cause I’ve told you the truth?” She plainly said.

Jessica did not even realize her breathing becomes heavy as her grip tightens around the shirt’s collar. “I know it’s my fault… You, you don’t need to ing shoved it in my face! I remember well of my mistakes and I know how guilty I am for causing all of this!” She shouted with a crack voice. Her mind is clouded with so much thoughts and feelings.

“Then why the are you running away?” Tiffany raised her tone. “Wake yourself up. You kept telling me you accepted your mistakes but deep down, you know how bull it sounded. You never accept it; you keep running away! You refused to acknowledge that your sister is no longer here because you ed up and you made this whole damn excuse about wanting to save her life!”

“Shut up!!” Jessica raised her fist.

“Come on, punch me then! Go ahead. Do it.” Tiffany provoked her. “It’s the only way for you to shut me off, isn’t it? You don’t want to say it out loud because it’s hurting you!”

“I said shut up!” Jessica’s whole-body trembles. Her voice is cracking. feels dry and her eyes sting in pain.

“Admit it, you cannot accept the fact that you were not able to save your sister! That’s why you kept saying you wanted to save her because the moment you could have done that, you ed up! You know damn well you can no longer manipulate yourself to think that simply ‘hoping’ and ‘wanting’ would make yourself feel better. It would give you a reason to be a good sister because you refused to accept that you are a bad sister! You refused to see your mistakes and to give in to the past! Guess what? It is your fault!”

“Yes! It’s my fault! Everything is my fault! Are you happy now?” Jessica inhaled deeply as she cried. Her chest feels suffocated. “She went home late that night. I would usually be looking for her but that day, I didn’t. I neglected my responsibilities as her older sister. I left my phone and I didn’t check it for hours. I told myself I should put my phone beside me just in case my sister would suddenly call me. But I was a ing idiot. I simply believed Krystal would be completely fine on her own!” The grip on Tiffany’s shirt collar loosens. “I checked my phone afterwards only to see a bunch of voicemails left by Krystal. I panicked. I searched everywhere for her. When I finally found her, she was all alone—in a damn, cold, dirty alley with all her clothes torn off. Blood dripping from her private part and her—her arms, legs, face filled with bruises. Her eyes—it was empty. Her ‘soul’ died that day.”

Tiffany stays silent. Letting Jessica to just cry in agony.

“Every day, I tried to do everything. I tried cheering her up. But nothing could bring her back. She was already death inside. I can no longer see her bright smile—or hear her laugh. Every single day, it would only be filled with painful memories. I thought—I thought I can at least save her. Bring her old self back. B-but.”

“Krystal? Wake up! W-wake up! I said wake up!”

“She was gone for good. I- It is all my fault. I am—the worse sister and daughter in the family.” Jessica’s hands finally let go of Tiffany’s shirt. Her head is hanging low as her body is trembling hard from all the mix emotions she is currently feeling. A pair of arms suddenly envelops Jessica’s weak body into a hug. Tiffany holds her tightly.

“To be able to give into the past—is the first step.” She said in such a slow, soft voice. Jessica could no longer hold back and let all the years’ worth of pent-up emotions, guilts to burst out. The whole park is filled with the sound of her cries. Jessica do not care. She just wanted to let the past to sink in and give her the ability to finally let it go.

Goodbye, Krystal. I’m sorry for everything.

**

It was already 4 in the morning when Jessica and Tiffany finally arrived at the apartment. Yoona and Hara are sitting at the living room, waiting for them. Yuri already went home since she cannot stay long there. They walk inside only to be greeted by a quiet, awkward atmosphere. Well, mainly because Jessica and Yoona are staring at each other with sharp gazes. Like another fist fight might occur again. “I’m glad you’re back.” Hara said to calm the tension between them. Jessica gives a nod, “I’m doing okay now.”

“I hope you do.” Hara stands up and pats her friend’s shoulder gently with a genuine smile.

“I’m sorry—for everything. I can’t—I don’t know what exactly I can do to show I’m apologetic about all of this.” Jessica said honestly. Her friend leans forward to give a hug. Jessica got surprise at first but soon return the hug. Although they are best friends since they were in school, they rarely hug each other. When they do, it’s a sign both of them needed it.

“I’m your friend. I just want to see you finally be able to let it go.” Hara said with sadness in her eyes. Jessica did not utter a work and only gives a nod to reassure her best friend she is indeed doing fine now.

“Where’s Taeyeon?” Tiffany asked. Jessica’s whole body froze upon hearing that name. The thought of having to face her new-lover who have been hurt by her words earlier on is nerve-wrecking. She cannot imagine the scenario of what will happen.

“She is still in the room. She has been locking herself up for hours now. She refuses to go out.” Hara explained.

“I don’t know what is going on inside. It’s quiet. I couldn’t hear a thing.” Yoona said with a serious tone. “But I do know someone needs to take a responsibility for what happened.” She stood up from her seat and stepped closer towards Jessica. Both of them look at one another with strong, intimidating gazes. Tiffany quickly interferes. “Yoona, please.” She begged her softly to not cause a fight.

Yoona did not care. She continues to glare at Jessica until she finally turns herself around towards the door. “Yoona-.” Tiffany was about to ask her to stop when Yoona halts her next step.

She turns her head to look at Jessica. “Honestly, I don’t care nor do I give a damn about how traumatizing your past is.” She spoke. Jessica just stands there while clenching her fists. Not that she is angry at Yoona’s words. It’s because she understood why she said that. If someone did what she does to Taeyeon, she would have acted the same. “We all have bad memories we want to run away from. I know it well. But I also understand that we are bound to make mistakes and sometimes we can’t accept the ed-up things we do.” Yoona shifted her gaze to the front. “Whatever you do now, will change how things will go afterwards.” Those were her last words before she walks out of the door.

Tiffany ended up smiling. Yoona might sound like she is about to fight with Jessica but she is actually trying to comfort her. She turns to Jessica. “We’ll wait outside.” She, too went out of the apartment followed by Hara who gave Jessica a pat on the back before leaving her behind in the living room alone.

For a short while, Jessica only stands there. Her legs feel heavy to step forward and walk to the door of the bedroom. So many scenarios go through her clouded mind. She doesn’t know what to expect. Taeyeon is scarred by her words. There would be no doubt the woman would not trust her anymore. She knows well. Her fist clenched, as she exhales heavily. No, she has to talk to Taeyeon. She has to try. If she doesn’t, then things won’t change. She would never be able to get the next chance again. This is the last one.

It was now or never.

Jessica walks to the door of the bedroom. Complete silence. But her guts tell her Taeyeon is still in there, wide awake. With anxiousness, she raises her hand to knock on the door. A small thud can be heard. Taeyeon must have been shock. Her lips feel dry. Her heart is beating rapidly. Her hands feel cold and her legs is about to go numb. But she ignores all of those effects and knocks once more. “T-Taeyeon, it’s me. Jessica.” No responds. The woman gulps, trying to calm her nerves. “It’s alright if you don’t want to talk to me. I know what I did hurts you deeply. I- I can’t really tell you to forgive me after all the cruel things I’ve said to you. I’m—guilty of what happened between us.” She slowly spoke. She wonders if Taeyeon is even listening or she went to lock herself in the bathroom instead. The words she intended to say to Taeyeon disappears now that she is standing here. It made her even more scared and nervous.

“To be able to give into the past—is the first step.”

Jessica sigh softly. She turns around and takes a seat on the floor. She leans her back onto the door. She stays like that for a short few minutes before she starts talking again. “For years, I can’t accept the fact my sister passed away because of me. I kept saying I do but deep down, I know I was lying to myself. I still refused to acknowledged I did such a mistake to someone I really cherished and love. I cannot see myself being that bad of a person. I was being such an idiot.” She chuckled bitterly. “I was running away from reality. I told people around me, ‘if only I could have saved her, I would.’ But the thing is, I ed up despite getting the chance to do so.” Tears began welling up in her eyes, but she quickly wipes it away. She has no time to cry right now. “I did have the chance to save her but I didn’t take it. It was too late. All the excuses of me ‘wanting’ and ‘hoping’ I can save her; it was all just bunch of lies I told myself so I won’t accept the harsh truth that I indeed made such a huge mistake. I was too damn late and I knew it.”

Silence filled the atmosphere. Jessica is not even sure Taeyeon is even there, listening to her words. Even if she didn’t, Jessica needed to say it. She has too. Or else she won’t break free.

“Both of us—are running from our mistakes. We cannot acknowledge the fact we were part of the cause of their deaths. That’s why we’re like this, in pain and agony. The guilt is building inside of us each day passes by. Yet, we refused to see the truth and pretended to be ‘blind.’ I—I don’t want to run away anymore. I no longer want to make excuses. I have to realizes that the truth is—I did cause my sister’s death and I’m at fault. I’m a bad person.” Jessica closes her eyes for a brief moment and let out a sigh. “I hope that—being the first one to admit this, I can help you to do the same. I want you to know it’s okay to say you’re at fault. You are the one who did it. At least—we both can be in pain. The two of us can finally—go through this together and move on peacefully. I won’t hate you nor leave you. I would be here to stay beside you despite the consequences I’ll face later on. I will definitely know it will always be worth it.” Jessica gives her last words. She did not wait for response and proceeds to stand up.

A thud. Follow by a creaking sound.

Jessica stumbles back when a hand reaches for her arm and pulls her to sit down on the floor again. She looks at the familiar face in front of her. Taeyeon is looking at her, with tears coursing down her cheeks. Her short hair is messy and her eyes puffing from all the crying. Even her lips are now pale and dry.

“Taeyeon, you look awful-.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

Jessica’s eyes widen. Did she hear it right? Or did she become delusional? She might have been in an accident when she was driving like a maniac earlier. She could might as well be in coma right now. No. She realizes it is real. She can feel Taeyeon’s hand holding her arm. She can feel her heavy breathing through the touch.

She definitely heard her voice earlier.

“I—I’m sorry—for everything. I—I’m really—sorry.” Taeyeon spoke as she cried.

These stars stop me, you helped me,

You're my sky~

Jessica did not want to do anything else but to hug her. Finally, Taeyeon did it. After years, she has done it.

Like this, forever, no end,

I can't forget our memories, they are like a gift to me,

Jessica spread her arms and wrap it around Taeyeon’s body. She pulls her close. She wants to feel her warmth. She wants Taeyeon to feel hers’.

I want to meet you even though I can't

Wherever you go, please be grateful of me, I'll remember you.

“Welcome back, Taeyeon.” Jessica said with such a gentle, sincere voice. Her arms pulling her closer in her arms.

“I’m home…” Taeyeon replied and rest her head on Jessica’s shoulder, letting herself to just release every agony, pain and traumas in her warm embrace.

Finally, they are free. From the past that seemed to be unmoving. They can finally take the next step forward to a new beginning.

Goodbye. I’ll remember you.

To be continued.

**

Hello, this is ReowesomeShikshin. It’s been such a long time, isn’t it? Almost three years? First of all, I want to sincerely apologized for leaving this fiction behind and not saying anything to the readers after I left. For the past few years of my life, it has been hard. I went through tough times. I recently decided to come back after getting better. I was planning to leave this fanfic on hiatus but seeing how each year, new comments kept coming from both old and new readers. It makes me sad and guilty to see how some are still waiting for me to update. Hence, I want to express my gratitude by finishing what I started.

Although this chapter is short, not the typically long ones I usually updated, I hope you guys still enjoy reading it! Updates maybe a bit slow and shorter than before since I’m already 24, I have back problems (lol). Anyways, enjoy the latest chapter!

The lyrics of the song is GFRIEND’s Bye. 😊