As an IT guy, he spends a lot of time staring at his computer’s screen with words, numbers and figures that start to look the same after a few hours. But as much as work is an escape, he often feels as though someone has a gun to his head. Because he spends a good amount of time explaining the same to the same people so it gets on his nerves but he holds it in.

The hours are long– longer now that he has no one to go back home to– and he’s no longer as optimistic as he once was about his job. Installing a new software is a process he hates and so is trying to fix whatever mistakes some person in their company s up. He sticks with it because of his expenses and the surprising calmness it brings despite the hours.

Gone are the days when he thought the world was bigger outside the four walls of his and Kyungsoo’s university dorm room and that they were ready to take it head on.

The world is a lot bigger and it’s filled with pain and Chanyeol can barely hold himself up much anymore.

Going home when he had Kyungsoo was always something he looked forward to because then he’d vent and let out all the frustrations from the second he stepped out of their house– having Kyungsoo in his life made his day at work easier, days a lot less depressing and a lot less boring because he had something to look forward to beyond work.

All he has now is his job and his share of bed warmers because life is funny like that when it comes to him.

“Park Chanyeol!”

He blinks rapidly at his too bright screen before looking in the direction his name is shouted from. He nods over to Minseok, who is in his own tiny cubicle and looking too merry for a job like this one.

“We’re going out later today,” Minseok starts gently and he sounds a little anxious– he has never really been a guy to yell and get attention but Chanyeol has known him for a while now so it’s not really unusual when he has these random outbursts. He also knows Minseok is slightly nervous because despite them sort of knowing each other a lot more than anyone else at work– Chanyeol stopped hanging out with them long before the separation with Kyungsoo happened.

He considers this for a second because sure, he’d gotten laid last night but he hasn’t really gone out with the intention of just living a little– he always has a hidden agenda to bring someone back home with him or go to their places– and it drives Baekhyun absolutely mad when he finds out.

“Alright,” He smiles faintly at how eager Minseok is before the older man disappears behind his cubicle when he sits down. Chanyeol looks back at his computer screen and his smile drops as he ignores the chatter around him from his co-workers.

He looks down at his fingers and feels stupid when he notices the wedding band around his finger. I need some more time is a stretch because he has had years to take the ring off. It’s about time he moves on because he knows Kyungsoo will never come back to him– and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to look at Kyungsoo without remembering the weightlessness of their daughter in his arms.

His stomach drops because he hasn’t thought of those terrifying moments in a long time. He breaks out of his trance and brings his coffee mug to his lips as he shifts his eyes over to his computer screen– ready to get back to work before he can leave and go out to calm his nerves.

()()()()

He flickers his eyes to his curtains and listens to the stillness of the morning; only interrupted by what he knows is the garbage truck coming down the street. He breathes slowly and throws a hand over his face before he rolls away; he stares at the light sipping through the curtains and spends the next few minutes being useless in bed.

He sits up, swings his legs off and shivers when his bare feet touch the cold floor. He failed to spend the night alone. Going out with Minseok and a few of their workmates was pleasant– but he let his eyes sweep through the bar and his eyes were trained of this short man who had been eyeing him since he walked in.

Chanyeol adjusts his pyjama pants before blindly his body begins to move on autopilot like it has been for the last year since the divorce was finalized. He makes his way through his bedroom, picking out his outfit for the day before stalking off to his bathroom. He’s out in a matter of minutes, smelling of his aftershave and feeling a little better.

He walks over to the kitchen, turning on the light switch and pays no attention to the television he and his lover left on last night as he turns on his coffee machine.

He tries not to feel bad for not remembering what the man he previously had underneath him looked like. The thought has him feeling a tad bit uncomfortable but he brushes it off because this is nothing new– he hardly remembers their faces and sound of their voices and most of their names are so vague he never bothers to recall them.

Because remembering doesn’t change the fact that he’s alone in a house he wasn’t meant to live in on his own. He’s alone in a house that he’s only worked for because of Kyungsoo– they both worked for it and split out the bills and various chores– because they’d planned to start a family and maybe get a dog or two after their first kid.

But things don’t always work out as planned, it’s the truth, but it has him grimacing. He’s trying not to think of the past– they’d both been young with stars in their eyes, ready to start a family right after university and things seemed to go well for a while.

Their excitement was short-lived when they found out about the first pregnancy– miscarried at four weeks and Kyungsoo had been hospitalized twice before that. Discourage but optimistic and not wanting to let it get to them– they tried a second and third time after it was deemed perfect by their doctors but all the pregnancies ended fairly quickly.

The fourth pregnancy was problematic from the get-go, the baby nursery they were working on left untouched because of the unease they both felt after the previous heartaches and Kyungsoo had to stop working because of the abdominal pain he was constantly feeling– this pregnancy was much worse than the previous ones but lasted longer and raised false hope.

Chanyeol remembers spending long days sitting on the hard plastic chairs at the hospital with his head in his hand. Sometimes pacing around hurriedly because the anxiety threatened to choke him as he waited for the news with dread filling his gut.

No matter how much he shouted I need to be with him, please, I need to be in there with him– he’d been held back outside and firmly asked to wait because we’re sorry, Sir, we need to have him stabilized first before we can allow you to come in.

He remembers the many questions Kyungsoo was asked once he was allowed into the room with him. Remembers the drawing of blood, writing on forms– reading different forms– and too many doctors and nurses and it drove him mad how they touched, probed and looked at Kyungsoo as he laid on the gurney, on the verge of passing out each time.

There’s only so much your heart can take when all you can do is stand there and watch your loved one suffer for so long. Chanyeol was hanging on a thin thread of emotions that were all too much to deal with.

His heart always unsettled and face contorted with grief. Especially when he would have to go home without Kyungsoo by his side. The house was empty, still is now but it had been so much worse then, and he couldn’t handle sleeping in his bed alone so their couch became his safe haven.

Work was hell and he barely focused– he got scolded, like a thoughtless youngster, a couple of times by the spawn of Satan he still calls his boss who never seemed to understand. He thought of quitting back then but with Kyungsoo away from his own job and the hospital being his second home– the finances fell on Chanyeol’s shoulders and he had to pull all the weight.

Those are the days, weeks and months he never wants to re-experience. Sometimes he wants to rewind because that was the time he had Kyungsoo.

Things fell apart seven months into the painful experience when the heartbeat disappeared. He could no longer feel the fluttering movements over Kyungsoo’s bump the following days after he’d been hospitalized a fifth time.

Their baby, due of the various complications and distress, wasn’t at all strong enough but this time it was different and there was a lot more blood pooling between Kyungsoo’s legs.

These things happen– they just happen, a doctor had informed them as Chanyeol held Kyungsoo’s hand in his own, soon after the ultrasound that determined their baby’s outcome.

Things fall completely apart after Kyungsoo’s C-section and their still warm daughter was pulled out. The hospital room was stuck in troubled silence, Kyungsoo never once looked over at him and it hurt then and still hurts now.

The nurses and doctors gave information on the next steps to take after Kyungsoo was moved into the recovery room that fall upon deaf ears– and all the while, Chanyeol was frozen as he looked down at the weightless and the now cold lifeless baby in his arms the nurses offered to him wrapped in a bundle after being cleaned up.

What a beauty she was, Chanyeol leaned forward and pressed his lips against her cold forehead and stayed that way. He ignored every sound around him as he tried to memorize her weight in his arms and the way her tiny face looked– he fought back the urge to cry. They’ve tried so hard for her– Kyungsoo ate right, was extra careful since the past failed pregnancies, followed all the doctor’s instructions and Chanyeol worked harder to pay for the most expensive treatments and specialists that was asked of them.

The weeks that followed were hell and heartrending and Chanyeol made the mistake of leaving Kyungsoo to his own devices. Because Kyungsoo has always been one to deal with him own emotions even before the pregnancy and Chanyeol had his own emotions to take care of.

He chose to be selfish at the wrong time and that’s what broke them. The separation only made Kyungsoo more distant, ordered by the court just after weeks of dealing with lawyers, and it had sent Chanyeol in a twirl of unwanted emotions.

The divorce had been a long time coming– as much as he tried to deny it then and still tries to rationalize it even now– they all saw it coming a mile away. Even the year of separation that is required before the official signing of divorce papers, a year later, was not enough to make Kyungsoo’s heart grow fonder.

He blinks out of his stupor when the coffee machine goes off. He looks at his wristwatch as he pours his coffee into his mug and groans– he’s already late and he’s positive his mother will have his head for it.

()()()()

 Happy Monday! ;D